.::I HATE THIS!!!::.

~*ya*~
~*things do seem different*~

i think they are really different... i dont know what make me the person i am today... not a single one of you out there but maybe the fact that i was taught how to feel in whatever things that i am doing... it makes sense...

thank you for helping me to find the answer.. it is dance that made me so senstitive... at least i think it is...other then my horoscope... a cancer... a sensitive creature... but still i am here... i am going to lead my life with all these senses and emotions... i have no choice... so even if i dont like i also have to do it...

there are just tiny little things that people do that make me so sure that it means something even more important...

i also dont know what i am thinking... i should just not do anything anymore... what will come will come... i no longer trust my tarots...

please... i dont even trust myself... i dont even know what i am doing.. i am doing things that is atually against what my heart wants.. but whatelse can i do? i mean.. there is really nothing that i can do...

ever since that day when i made that decision i know that there are just certain things that have to be done a certain way.. there are just things that can only go straight...never left or right..it is not within my choice.. so sad... but that is the truth.. so do you pity me?

that is not what i want.. i want to be able to make choices for myself.. but so sad i cant... there are just things thta are not within my control...

the most saddening thing is the fact that the people entering and leaving your life is never within your control but people never have the ability to accept the fact...

i am used to certain things.. maybe you are out of the game but i am not... so am i the poor thing here? the one who dont deserve anything cause i am the one who choose to stay in the game?

i dont know what i am trying to say here.. i am not making any sense... will i be irritating or annoying to someone? i am always thinking of that... that is the thing that forever restricts me... but i get myself out of it...

do you really think that things are really that peaceful and smooth sailing for life? at least for me it is not... i only want something simple.. but i am not even getting something that belong only to me...

i am trying to be contented with what i have... but i realise there is nothing to satisfy the thirst... not even a thing lingers in my hand for my palm to grab... i just need something..

something small till you cannot see with the naked eye... something so small that only angels, me and you know its existance.. i only need abit of that... i need that in my palm to let me learn the word contented... i swear i would not be greedy for anymore thing...

i dont need it to be visible to all.. i only need me to know... for me to hold on to...

did i say that promises are meant to be broken? yes.. i did...

where is the promise? i dont need it all the time...but not a single time.. sorry..yes.. sometimes.. but the basic things that should be satisfy are not there...

i never have an entry like this... neither do i feel this wrong before.. how i wish.. i wish.. ya.. i wish.. it will be a wish forever...

maybe it is time to move out of the game...maybe i should not be doing this kind of things all the time.. i am tired of being a kind soul cause i am not..

yes.. fluctuations.. i got shocks after shocks recently... i know then i dont know.. i dont know, it existed, i know it is gone...

i choose to not know a single thing.. maybe i will be much much happier that way... so much more happier...

i dont know a single thing in my life.. yes.. i know what is the next thing.. i also know what is holding me back..

yes... study.. nothing is sure in this world... i know... i knew that since the day i was born.. it is part of life...nothing is sure... maybe tonight i will just die sleeping in bed? you never know.. so what else can i say??

but yet.. that does not mean that certain things have to be done.. cause i know i would not...

making no sense... really no sense as i continue.. so maybe i should just stop.. cause i think i have vent enough anger here...

~*DOUBLED*~
~*Fluctuations*~
~*YES*~
~*That's me!*~
~*i hate it when people leave without a word*~
~*please inform me if you are leaving my life*~
`i cant smile`bt i noe i hv2`i dun haf a choice`i hope2spread e smile2u`do u tink i can?

.::nothing much::.

~*oh no*~
~*same title*~

haha...anyway... life recently is the same.. still depressed still happy...so many things out there that affects my mood... sobs... it is not something good.. but still i know i no longer have the choice to be sad le... i have to take on another role...

maybe it is my fault for being too clever...now that there are more things with me, there are more things that i have to be careful with...haha...still i welcome praises...

someone lost a dog about a week ago... it is less than 2 weeks and they are having new plans le.. hais.. i feel sad for that dog that is currently still missing...

yes..it is her fault for running out...maybe she is leading a better life now...but how can her owner just forget about her like that?

hais...maybe it is a substitute? you never know what people are thinking...

i think i am glad that i have Baby...sometimes we tease Baby saying that she is too introvert...but come to think of it...that is the way to keep her with us...she would not dare to go out on her own...

i cannot imagine my life without her.. my relationship with her is weird...i am like her stead... you know you will be there for each other although you dont spend much time together..i can just ignore her one whole day, dont talk to her, dont play with her... but whenever i am down... you know that she will be there for you... C=

she taught me and my sisters to spell the word c-o-n-t-e-n-t-e-d. happy that she came into our life...happy to have her there... haha...everything is so simple just like any other relationship... C=

i really cant imagine life without her...haha... she came crying to me just now...cause my sister went out without bringing her alone and here i am facing the computer... now she is being an introvert outside...

haha...i called her in and now she is on my bed and she is gone again...oh my...running around...i bet she is also happy to be here...

she knows the temper of everyone in the family..she know when to come shaking her tail when to hide... she will hide whenever my dad roar...but when my mama roar at us, she will go shaking her tail... she is trying to make her top... C;

yea..its like that when it happen to my sister... when my sister shout, she will hide..but when it is me, she will come and try to cool me down... i bet she know what comes after my shoutings..hhaha...tears...

i am going to drown myself in chemistry though i hate that subject and i hate that teacher... and someone please teach me how to write faster... i think i am going to flunk my skill A for both sciences if i continue to write at the speed that i am writing at now... d=

~*smile*~
~*it makes life easier*~
~*learn to spell the word*~
~*c-o-n-t-e-n-t-e-d*~

.::Heavenly YESTERDAY::.

~*yea*~
~*HEAVENLY YESTERDAY*~
~*minus off some parts*~
~* d= *~

okok...start from dance... the not so happy things might be the fact that i still dont know what is wrong with my leg... arh... anyway... dont care... guilty...slacking away... d=

the happy things... thanks to zixiang, we havedozen of nice things to eat... muahahaha....yesterday is another guilty day... omg...fat...

he went mei shan... broughtback mei... lol... yes... plums... so happy... especially the milk plum...okok...super sweet...so sweet and nice that tempted me to go bugis and buy... now i have a bag infront of me!!!

and the tai yang bing...omg heavenly... suppose to share one between the three of us, erm...mi, maurine and jialing... in the end??lol... we shared three... argh... guilty...cause we scare fat... lol

anyway.. i missed out on the mochi... the ones that he bought from taiwan also...

okok...enough about dance... after that we went bugis...cause the one and only hannbin sister, HANNQIAN birthday!!! went MOS... had a rice burger MEAL... omg...sinful food... then after that ah hong had milk shake...tempted...but i know i did the wrong thing by drinking coke, which is something that i should not be drinking... so i decide to not touch milk shake...

next stop... the EAST OCEAN at bugis basement... milk plums!!! lol... we bought milk plums... then we went on to the next stop, Beard Papa's Cream Puff!!!

heavenly cream puffs... the cream just fill your whole mouth when you take a bite into it...2bucks for one...abit expensive... by the way...the milk plum and cream puff are all sinful food... mos burger meal also!!!

lets move on...we went to take 197 to esplanade...we walked there...and we went to have ice cream... wait...hold on...not normal ice cream... but... Hagen Daz!!! omg...all thanks to MAURINE... woah...buai tahan...keep typing her name... d=

we went to sit somewhere near the Makansutra Gluttons' Bay...omg... here come another sinfulfood... fried oyster with egg~~!

yea..i gave the pitiful 70cents that i am left with and daryl and keelui contribute the rest... dey bought it and we eat AGAIN... okok...sinful...

after that we went home... i took 857 with MAURINE and i took 985 home AGAIN...

anyway...come the not sinful part...

not sinful cause i am just too sad to feel sinful... i waited till 12midnight for my turn to use the computer... i went online... and i decide that i should drink since no one in my house can stand the bitterness of that red wine, and since i have the urge and feel to drink...so i went to drink...

ok...bad me..i finish the remaining wie in the bottle which i think is about half filled... blurt out alot of things to weihong... but still those are things that i know i should say... others secrets are still hidden in my heart... i am not those who will blurt out your secret when i am drunk k??lol

anyway... told him alot of things while i keep drinking... i think i had 2.5 cups of wine... each cup is about the volume of a drink can... those aluminium cans... slightly more... so imagine how much i drink... when i was having the third cup, i give up... milk plum come into the picture!!! but still.. in the end... i puke everything out...yea...EVERYTHING

i went to sleep cause i could not take it... spinning...

ya... i am not a good girl...i am not as guai guai as i try to act as... but still who is not double faced?

anyway...that dont sound like a joke...nothing changed... i dont know whether i will regret after i typed these but still i shall continue... that is so so double faced... after that talking to me as if nothing happened...okok... so IT IS a joke?? so funny... WHATEVER~! dont assume... i was not upset about anything initially...~!

maybe it is time for some changes in my character...hmm...why must remind me that they are alike?? arh... should not have mention his name... omg... anyway...i know he would not blurt everything out...lol...

see...perfect emotional control here? laughing and being sad at the same time...

sometimes i hope that i can get angry more often instead of sad... cause you get over something when it is anger rather than when it is unhappiness...

maybe sometimes i should not sense so much so i will not know andwill not care what others are feeling or thinking then i would not be sad... cause i will not be disturb by the negative things that they have for me...

maybe sometimes i should be like my dad...never bother to sense why and what people around him are thinking about... he is always throwing his temper whenever he sees things that he dont like.. he never bother to understand why things are the way they are...

angry leave faster than sad... you will get over it with more ease...

anyway... i think i will be happier tomorrow... maybe i should stop going PA??

~*haas*~
~*silly me!*~

.::the World::.

~*POLITICS*~
~*thats the BIG word*~

yea...the whole of Singapore is so into politics recently...my family too...

okok...i dont understand why is it Steve Chia... is he really that GOOD??? after what happened after that election last year??

anyway... i just dont believe that everyone in Choa Chu Kang forgot about that matter...

people can turn up for those mass rally...but the next moment they can be putting the cross in another box... you never know...

anyway.. i am still quite pro PAP... they are leading Singapore since dont know when lor.. i mean.. we developed and out living standards raise... whatelse do people want???

who is that guy? he is just someone who took photo with someone... and caused an uproar... then what else??

oh...maybe he visited each household at least twice...whats the big deal?? he mentioned that he feel stupid doing things over and over again but no one appreciate...what is this??

"we say what we mean, we do what we say"- Teo Chee Hean , PAP's 2AG

thats a cool quote...

anyway... i just dont understand why she is running away from it lor... talk talk and talk...after that jiu dont listen to what i have to say...argh... idiot...

~*PAP rocks!!!*~

.::i dont like this::.

~*i am starting to not like this*~
~*turning off all senses*~

something is just wrong... something is not right somewhere... maybe i think too much... but i keep trying to find reasons why things are like that... but i dont seem to find one... so now i am not the only one who observed that...

it has been quite sometime le... everytime i think, i can never find a reason... hmm... that make me feel stupid... maybe it is true???

but that just seem so impossible can? anyway... it is still to early to draw conclusion...

i feel like shouting [GET LOST] at someone huh... irritating PIG... buai tahan...

also dont know what the hell that fellow is thinking huh... you think you so great??

anyway... i think i learnt my lesson le.. things that are not meant to be will never be...

whatever...

i hope i learn my lesson...

today went nan hua... i also dont know what i am thinking the whole day la... osbserving and observing... hmmm... i dont think it i that bad... talked to one... going to psycho another one to have more confident in himself.. he can work ah...

~*you=you=you*~
~*sorry*~
~*even i am confused*~
`is e diff2big`iz ok`oversensitive

.::i am going to try::.

~*whatever*~
~*i am going to try*~

okok...i am going to try... dont care whatever that will happen... i am just going to try...

haha... the swell is suppose to be down tonight...haas... we shall see... ooh...

site meter rocks!!!

~*smilex*~
~*tomorrow is not a good day*~
~*no ice cream*~
~*still*~
~* c= *~
`i still believe wad i believe in`i noe derez a reason`i believe

.::i lose again::.

~*i lose again!!!*~
~*i should have just done it when i thought of it*~

okok...again... i feel stupid again.. i should have done it when i thought of it...what is holding me back??

i dont know...

it is time to learn spelling AGAIN

muscle tear... so.. hmm... support.. hmm...how??

haix..

oh...i forget what i want to type le...

oh ya... i feel clever recently...super clever... especially that day... i didnt know i so clever and so senstitive and accurate one..haha... please praise me... C=

tomorrow i shall have ice cream for breakfast again@!!! haha...

i dont know it is coincidental or what...but things are just happening at the same time.. when i start thinking, and about to do it, things end... when i pluck up the courage to start it...that split second, everything stops...

oh my...it is so qiao3 can?i really cant believe that.. not once, twice but thrice...

oh my...

~*happy days*~
~*i hope they last*~
~* C= *~
`u nv noe`e truth

.::tired::.

~*congrats*~
~*i changed the layout*~
~*it is an old one that i used before*~
~*i still think it rocks*~

today is suppose to be a nice day... cause i ha ice cream for breakfast.. but so sad... hmm... when i reached the bus stop, i saw this notice about a lost dog... ok... be specific.. my friend's dog is missing... how sad..

then come eight below... i went ALONE... that is a nice try... it is a sad show...or rather a touching show... had a great cry.. you will understand more if you have a dog.. cause when i reach home and i see my baby, woah...the feeling is ... hmm... dont know how to explain.. it somehow teach me how to treasure...

it is good to know that people around me are happier recently.. i dont know whether they are true to themselves or not...but still they are leading their lives well infront of others...

okok...every week once..thats not a nice feeling.. i dont know what will happen if... hmm... dont touch on this topic le...

still i think my senses are darn accurate la.. please praise me... my prediction skills too.. they rocks... believe it or not... what i sensed happened... and i sensed something that i dont know a single bit about.. aiyo... confused... ultimately is my senses works!!!

maybe that is not a good thing too.. hmm... i sense abit too many things recently le... not alot but just some.. which i dont know whether it is accurate or not.. but still.. like that lor... we shall wait and see.. more than once le huh...

okok.. something stupid happened in class today... argh... i feel like biting someone up... argh... eecks

turning them off... i mean my senses... haha...

ok..so today is not a bad day afterall... i manage to change my blog skin although i left something out.. iwill go edit later... and no more secrets this blog skin... d=

it happened once a week... i wonder what will happen if i try that on YOU... anyway.. i bet you dont even care!!!... ya right...so why should i? why should i give it a damn?

what feeling is that? angry or sad? i dont know... but i think it better be anger... so i will be able to find happy after that with ease...

oopx... i am suppose to work on my GRAMMAR... okok.. i fail my General Paper also cause my english just sucks... hmm...so... maybe i should be putting nice nice essay formed entry up here le??

haha...

~*EightBelow*~
~*Alone*~
~*i need a sinseh for my poor bus number 11 now*~
~* C= *~
`will it happen again?`mayb`u nv noe

.::what an entry::.

~*i was quite sad*~
~*until i start to think*~
~*hmm... i think i need a cry*~

i think it is time for a cry... i shall go and see eight below on my own... asap~~!!! not to have a cry but i am just interested in the movie... and i want to know how it feels to go watch a movie ALONE... C=

oh ya..my ankle.. sunday... laoshi see le... i told him got abit swell.. hmmm...he said...this call abit ah? oopx... haha... then he said the swell got no where to off...hmm... dont know how to phrase... so.. he press and he say...the swell go off le...but later will come back and sure enough... hmmm...

that night can run.. i run across the street... today... cannot!!!! what is wrong... someone teach me how to run 2.4...haha... worse, shuttle run... hmm... it is still swollen...

anyway... i manage to spot something... please praise me... C=

sorry that i am abit lazy..cause i dont really read every single souls' blog... so be glad that i spot this on tracy's blog... d= here goes::

List down seven qualities of my perfect lover[list the gender too]and tag another seven bloggers to do this

Gender: Male

[i]someone who will be willing to explain and listen to my explanations should something happen between us
`explanation is important... i mean.. i think i am understanding... do things got 交代 (jiao1 dai4) and everything will be fine with me... C=`
[ii]someone who is willing to call me on the phone even if there is no reason
`communication is important!!! d=`
[iii]someone who knows what i am thinking about even before i open my mouth
`so he can dig out all those hidden message that i am trying to tell him but have no courage to`
[iv]someone who can stand my nagging
`ok...not nagging, bu concern ok? if i am not concern, i would not even nag... d=`
[v]someone who will always try to reply every single one of my messages
`i hate it when people dont reply my message although i sometimes do that too... it dont feel good to be waiting for something...d=`
[vi]someone who is caring
`it is nice to know that someone cares about you... C=`
[vii]someone who will be there for me
`just someone who can be there, dont need always.. but most of the time, for all the good or bad things that i am going through... i mean that is what most of us want... company... someone who just understands... C=`
[viii]sense of humour
`so there wont be awkward silence`

the lucky SEVENS~!!!
[1] Cassandra
[2] Christine
[3] Jeslyn
[4] WahTuck
[5] HannBin
[6] WeiHong
[7] Rachel

i bet alot of people would not notice this... ahah... so please inform them!!! haha... force them to write... i bet all of your are curious also... dont lie...haha... d=

okok... thats the end of the qualities thing...

hmm... come back to the topic.. i realise i am lying to myself... i dont whether there are reasons or simply because it is time for me to move on? but still... i am trying to learn to be contented with what i have...

~*great*~
~*you did it again*~
~*that day*~
~*that day you left without a word*~

```hmm...whats wrong with blogger? i lost connection just now...will it be down soon? like some stupid diary that just crush and everyone loses every single entry? oh... no... i dun wan that... all my 180s over entries!!! argh...

~*learn to spell the word*~
~*c-o-n-t-e-n-t-e-d*~`
sori i lied`i haven move on

.::HAPPY DAY!!!::.

~*HAPPY DAY!!!*~
~*ok... i feel stupid*~

haha... i feel stupid... cause i rewrite my biology skill A SPA for the third time le!!! argh... haha

anyway... got to continue writing...haha...

~*thats all*~
~*PA TML!!!*~
`iz actuali bcox i m waitin again2nite

.::make use of me?ya right::.

~*should i be angry that someone make use of me?*~
~*or should i be happy that i am of use to you?*~

ok...this stupid person...someone that i never really talk to.. suddenly talk to me... and clever me predict that he has a favour to ask from me...

oh... did i say that i dont really like this kind of people although i know that most people are like that... i mean... you cant be good to every single soul on earth...

ok... i cant deny the fact that i am that kind of person too... but i still dont like it~~!

anyway... if he didnt have a favour to ask from me, i bet we will never talk again...

whatever la...

or should i really be happy that i am of use? but anyway.. i just dont like that idea...

make use of people... or am i thinking too much?

i dont know... and i dont wish to know more le...

~*get lost*~
~* d= *~
~*ok.. i am not that angry now*~
~*look at the bright side right?*~
~*i am still of some use to YOU!*~
~* `argh~~! *~
~*i will still smile*~
~* C= *~
`thx4askin`u let mi noe tt u noticed`u let mi noe tt u cared`bt i noe i m nt top on e list

.::hows life for everyone?::.

~*hows life for all of your recently?*~
~*i miss your!*~
~*thanks for the photos*~

i really cannot go back... i am so tired that i no longer have time to have mood swing or think about stupid things... but i hope that i end the week wonderfully?

nothing much happened actually.. maybe that is the fact why i am not really happy...

ya... i do need a life with ups and downs to let me know that being happy is something really nice...

i thought of something... promises...

i will never want promises from anyone ever again in my life... and i will try to give any promise... cause i just conclude that promises are meant to be broken...

life is just like that...

i realise that i promised that i will take care of the new camera... but i lose it that very day...

i promised that i will get good result but up till now i get nothing...

i promised that i will use one year to earn back the camera... but i know it is impossible...

so what are promises for? for breaking... so sad... so no more promises... or rather.. i would not make empty promises... i try...

and i will never ask for promises from my loved ones ever again... ok.. i try not to ask for promises... d=

i hope everyone is ok... afew more months and we are all FREE!!! haha...

i really miss alot of people... haix... but anyway...

i hope you all miss me

i hope you all are happy

i hope you all take care

i hope you all cope well with studies

i miss you all

anyway... please dont let me think that something not good and not right is happening... got anything must update me!!! C=

~*i really hope what i hope*~
~*i mean it*~
`especiali2u

.::lies::. .::love?::.

~*i am ok today!!!*~
~*i am ok today!!!*~
~*again*~
~*but she is not*~

i think people have this bad habit... lying to themselves to make themselves
happier... although most of the time they know that the lies that they said to
themselves will never last...

you need more and more lies to tell yourself that you are happy... but are you
really happy? i bet only you know the truth...

i dont really understands what she hope for in the end... i dont really know what
she is really feeling now... but i know... her feelings were real...

something that no one will ever know... is what are the lies that she is telling
herself...

sometimes people dont need any reason to hold on to their feelings... but they
usually need thousands of reasons to just let go...

i hope she will be happy...everyone in this world deserve to be happy...
my left eye is twitching... but i know nothing good that i hope for will ever
happen... i only hope for little things...

i bet she, too, only needs little things to make her happy... but seems like there
are just somethings that you have to act as though you dont know or nothing have
happened... i hope you are happy...

i really hope you are happy... or rather... i hope you are really happy... the real
side of you... not the one that is full of lies... cause i know how bad that
feels...

there are so many burning questions.. i am doubting whatever that are happening... i
dont know whether they are true... but still, what else can i do except believe?
that is just what happened...

people are greedy too... i admit i am... i think everyone is... i bet she, too, is
greedy... no offence... who would not ask for more when they got what they want?
especially when it comes to things like `love and `like...

but still... my left eye stop twitching and it just means nothing... although
nothing good happened to me yet, i hope something good will happen real soon

maybe this is something that i understand... i understand what she is going
through...finally i understand... but i know i cant help... cause i cant even help
myself when it comes to things like this...

maybe i should wait and see how things go.. maybe that is just what she should do
also... cause that is the only thing that she can do now...

i believe in my tarot cards... and i believe that she will be happy...

~*smiles*~
~*they belongs on your face*~
~*i believe*~
`sori`ocnam il`yes`u`c my nick

.::random entry::.

~*i know it is late*~
~*but still i am here*~

maybe i should not really think too much...haha... nevermind... today is a happy day...

but someone or rather some people spoilt the night... not blaming my neighbour for having his sink choke up or something.. but blame the contractor who is so so clever... go and poke the pipe... poke so deep that it broke my house de pipe...

argh... thats all...

anyway... eek... think of it...so dirty...argh...

~*sorry i lied*~
~*sorry i tried to lie to myself*~
~*i loss again*~
~*i should have alighted first*~
~*but still*~
~*I AM HAPPY TODAY*~
`sori i lie`bt i did try2move on`i tried`bt i failed`no1noes

.::today is a happy day::.

~*today is a happy day*~
~*i wish i know why*~

i think i need to apologise for my mood swing... i bet it irritated some people... 'ok this girl is having some silly problem and trying to get attention le...' haha... whatever.. i bet some people think that way...

sorry

well...anyway... today is a much better day... haas... got a few reasons.. hmm...

haha...

i bought chocolates... that makes me happy cause i very long didnt buy chocolate le!!!

i went to a clever polyclinic in hope to get a MC but the polyclnic too clever so i didnt get any...so fine...whatever... haha... good mood... so i simply enjoyed my trip to and fro...

i didnt think about sad thing today... so i am happy...

i skip the study programme... dont need to stay until 6 today... so i am quite happy for that... but who knows what will happen to me tomorrow... oopx...haha

the ultimate thing... i walked in the rain today!!! yes... i did that yesterday but i simply love the rain today!!! haha...

the raindrops are so fine, though not as fine as those that i saw on sunday night, but still it is fine.. haha... much much better than yesterday...

i think i feel happy also because i feel proud of myself... i can actually multi task..haha.. praise me... ok... i claim that i can multi task... ok? anyone not happy? haha... oopx...

did chemistry practical skill A during chemistry lecture...and i manage to get everything... and i am quite happy that i am getting more homework... that means i got more things to do and less time to think!! haha... C=

sadist huh.. sorry... haha...

see the multiple face of me? i am like that... this is one true side of me... the happy me.. i can get happy over so many silly things...

yes...and there is the sad me... i bet that is just what everyone has..

and please remember that for whatever face that i am putting, i am still a sensitive freak, a sensitive censor!!! haha... sometimes it can be a good thing.. but most of the time it is not!!

ok... what should i do next? please wish me luck... i am having chemistry test tomorrow...haha...

hmmm...well the next thing to do is not to study but to hide chocolate!!! hhaa... i got monsters at home!!!

oh ya.. did i mention that the MOUSE is a LAME one?

oopx.. haha... please be glad and you should be honoured that i mention you in my blog AGAIN!!!

jiayou!!! in a few months and we are all FREE!!!

HERE I COME!!!

~*happy*~
~*look at the brighter side*~
~*please remember your sunglasses*~
~*please laugh*~
~* C= *~
`r tings stil e same?`wad make u hapi?`i tink tt make mi sad`i m gng2smile2let u tink tt i m ok

.::ya...silly me::.

~*asking for something that i dont deserve*~
~*i walked and ran in the rain*~

i ran in the rain with my friends to catch a bus... i boarded 142 and transferred to 985 since it is raining... i boarded a cold bus... freeze till my nails turn purple as usual... i alight and walked in the rain to the market to get something for mother...

i dont think i care anymore... i am back to the same situation that i am in back months ago... there are just no reason for me to hold on... but i just need a dozens of reasons to let go... that is just the typical CANCER i suppose... so is it something good?

i know it will be over soon... it will be over one day... but how long do i have to wait? i dont know... maybe if end of year arrive earlier, i will be much much happier...

i consulted the tarots on tonnes of things... should i deem it as coincidental that i got same final card? it is the same card... even i dont believe it... but again... who am i to comment on my tarot cards? cause i dont even know what will happen in the end...

my life is filled with lies... i kept thinking about it whenever i am free...maybe that is the reason why i am so down in the mood these few days... i dont know how long it will last...cause i know things will never be settled that easily...

i dont deserve what i want cause i am not appreciative of what i have... i am not giving it a damn, who am i to ask for more? so just dont care please...

contradiction... i dont know what i want... sometimes i just wish that i have not come so far... maybe just like the others... dont care... but i know i cant let go just like that... i cant control...

i know i am always blogging the same old things in all my entries... and i do ought to be happier... but... there is always a 'but' in my life... hmmm...so... what else can i say?

ok...the rain do make my mood lighter... feel better...

~*i think you will see a smile on my face*~
~*i have to smile*~
~* C= *~
`i cant show my troubles`cox ppl wil juz tink i m as usual paranoid away

.::stop lying to myself::. .::i am not that happy afterall::.

~*maybe i really should not lie*~
~*i am not that happy afterall*~
~*i know people are careless at times*~
~*but i know i am not*~

i know people are careless at times... but when you are careless enough to miss someone out, it simply means that that person just dont mean anything... maybe not dont mean anything...but just not that important...

my right eye twitched like siao before this... hmm... so i suppose this is just the thing that it is refering to...

poeple come and go in your life without saying anything... that seems sad.. .i never want that to happen.. i think that is the reason why i always want replies and want things to be accounted for?

sorry...mouse... abit fierce... maybe you think i am abit stupid.. but it just seems not right... not once but twice huh... leave without saying anything hauha......haha... thank you for remembering and informing me that you are leaving NOWADAYS... haha...

i also dont know how to put this across... but i think most of you all understand...

i hope i understand... i hope i know... i hope i learn from lessons... but so sad i dont... so many things that are just going up and down and yet they are not within my control... how i wish that things can be within MY control... but so sad... there are just so many things that i never know how to let it go the right way...

one of which is emotions... happy or sad, it is never me... it is always something that someone do... or something that happen or maybe someone...

i think most people are just like that... yes... we move in and out of people's life.. it is really time for me to move on... i know... but maybe before i do that, i really should stop lying... stop lying to myself that i am happy...

there is this stupid question in my mind... that i dont have a single idea how to ask... maybe that is the question that i will have for long... time will be the answer... i mean.. that is what i have been doing all the while...

should i believe in my tarot cards... it is always never true when it comes to good things? it only seems to be true when it comes to bad things.. i am not sure.. but seems like things now are just what my tarots are saying... maybe it is time to ask again..

i have my fear... fear... what if this time round it is something not good?i dont know... that is why i choose not to do anything... choose not to touch my tarot cards... maybe it is really time to ask again... and maybe it is really time to move on...

i dont know... lets hope it rain tomorrow... maybe i will then have the chance to walk in the rain... when you walk in the rain when you are sad, it just give you the chance to cry... cry in the reality... no point crying at home... cause you are in your world... not in reality...

maybe walking in the rain will makes you think that you cried... cause you dont knwo which are tears and which are rain drops... so ... i will be happier after i have 'cried'

ok.. i typed a whole lot... but i lost them... managed to recover only this bit... but still i will continue...

i think i hate my brain... or i hate my heart.. or i hate both.. cause they never discuss... my heart is always doing whatever it wants... ok... i hate my heart... it always left my poor brain to think about what to do next... and she just simply doing and getting whatever that she want...

stupid...

no one can really control most of the time... not even me... idont know how to... cause it is always something that someone do, something that happened or someone that control or rather affects it...

maybe it is really time to stop lying... and sorry if you dont understand what i am trying to say...


cause that is just what i intended to do... no one will understand what i blogged...

i blogged because i dont know how to tell someone or somepeople how i feel.. so through blogging... hoping that heaven will decide whether they will get to see this entry... so... maybe i am referring to something that you have done all these while?

haha... i think i should end here... cause ultimately.. i can change whatever that is happeneing...

i can only conclude that i dont mean as much as i thought i meant...

i thought i meant more.. but sadly i dont... so.. hmm... careless or whatever.. or i concluded too much... or i over senstive or i paranoid... anything... i dont care...... ok... i hope i dont care...

so maybe if you thought i am refering to you or you and your friends in any entry, you can just ask me... the answer will be YES or NO, but dont trying asking for anyother things else.. cause i know i would not say...

so if it is YOU, or YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS, and you ask, i will just tell you...

hmm... naggy and crappy...

i just have to smile... cause i kknow i dont have enough reason to cry...

maybe i will walk in the rain tomorrow...

~*smile*~
~*rain*~
~*cry*~
~*i will be happier*~
`u wil nv ask`dun even noe if u read NOW`even if u do`i jux noe wad i wil say

.::late nights::.

~*late nights are still as happy as before*~
~*cause i only have happy thoughts*~
~*so it is happy day all day long*~

i am not quite used to the fact that i am no longer thinking that much at night... i mean... think alot better.. like that life will have more ups and downs... hmm...but sometimes think too much do make one real sad...

i also dont know how to say... when i am happy and everything is going on fine, i will try to dig out something that is sad in my mind and start thinking about it...over and over again... what i get in the end? sad... not depression...

but still.. i think it is these unhappiness and sad stuff that makes me treasure my happy moments... but i do not want to have happy moments for long...cause they usually dont last... so... instead of living in my own complecent world with only happy things for a long period of time, i choose to be sad when i think i have enough happy things...

late nights are giving me out breaks... argh... i am just suddenly so sensitive to it... thanks to what my auntie have got for me... things got better...but late nights... eeks.. anyway... haha

i was watching da chang jin since my whole family is like crazy over it... it makes sense... loneliness... caused alot of problem... greed too...
maybe in the case of us and our society, people fear loneliness and do certain things to hurt other people... people around them... their fear for loneliness, or greed for something makes them do evil things.. not knowing that, actually with power and wealth and maybe popularity, you end up being more lonely and the greed that you can never fulfil... that is just so life... i mean it is life...

people moving in and out of our life... no one have the chance to give their 100% to their every friend or everyone around them... maybe only when people leave then you will understand how much they actually mean to you.. ya... that is also part of life... life is made up of so many things... so many that you cant list them out one by one...

there are also just things in life that some people never choose to admit to... maybe not just somethings, but a whole lot of things... again...that is life... there are just so many things that maybe hiding them up will make your life better or others life better...

and i cant deny... it is always a pleasure to not know so much... maybe sometimes people shoul stpo being curious.. but who on earth is not curious? i mean... not a single soul is.. so... hmm... maybe that is just part of life again...

maybe life should not be all about waiting... or am i the only one who think that life is all about waiting? haha.. i mean... life is really just about waiting... waiting for your goal to be reached... waiting for that day to come when you leave this world... waiting for whatever that you are waiting for... but cant deny.. from the day you are born, you need to wait for death to come... you never know when it will come... maybe tomorrow, i will be dead? who knows... but still.. whatever that is important is still to live life to the fullest...

that is just what everyone claims right? live life to the fullest... but do you really think that that is just what everyone is doing? the world is just full of restriction... so much that sometimes there are just no goals in life that belongs to you... they are just goals set by the society or in most case, by your parents...

there are so many unknowns in life that needs to be answer... maybe that is another goal in life... but whatever unknowns that one have to answer may not be determined by that individual... it could be the society again...

i dont know... the society is changing... all my 18 years of life... there are different things.. i mean... most of your saw the difference... but can you accept those changes?

maybe i should not mention something that is just so far from the reality that we are living in... maybe not very far but still, it is something out of our consideration...

maybe i should first learn how to cope with changes? i never want to get myself committed to anything... cause i know that everything have to end one day... but there are still many things on my hand... friends and family... you never know when they will end... i only know i would not be able to take it... who will be the one who can be there for me when i need someone to just to be willing to listen?

i think i am quite an extremist too... so extreme that i find myself abit scary... i mean... dont know since when, i stop watching every episodes in series... i mean... all i need to know is the story... so most of the time, i will just give certain episodes a miss...and it works ultimately... i dont feel the lost when that show end... ever tried missing all the characters in the series? i have been trying that all my life..

i am just an extremist who cannot take changes... i hate them..

ok.. i hate alot of things.. hate being wronged... hate people who keeps a whole lot of stuffs from me... and i hate changes... sometimes i just wonder why cant we just stayin one school or college in our entire education life... i know i mentioned that a tonnes lots of time.. haha... but stilll, that is still what i am thinking about...

there are just so many things in my life that i hope would not change... or maybe go back to what they used to be... life will be happier that way... alot happier.. and maybe less trouble...

there are also alot of things that i still dont dare to admit.. they are there all the while... i never choose to dig them out at times... but still they will surface one day... hmmm... actually i cant really name one now.. but still i know something is there... holding on... not knowing what or where that thing has gone wrong... but still... haix..

haha... ok.. i am not depressed... i just felt like typing a whole lot of stuff today... god knows how many people read this...and for the you, whoever you are, thanks for reading until so far hhuh... haha.. but are you sure you read everything? haha...

i think either no one reads my blog or my entries just leave people speechless and so no one tags on my tagboard.. haha...

oh ya... by the way.. i have to thank the kind soul who is always clicking on the *hugz* counter... giving me *hugz* ... but sad to say... i dont know who you/ your are... haha...

life is like that...so many things... there is just no one in this world who is totally happy... or totally perfect.. no one...

everyone need someone or something to make them complete... and maybe that is the reason why opposite things attracts, like the fact that guys like girls and girls like guys (most of the time la)... haha...

that is also just like love... love is something that is important in life too... maybe without love, that person dont deserve to be alive... and there is always something in love that makes it last... friends to like to love... the whole process is just so long... that you never know where it may just break... it is also the long process that makes alot of people treasure love and appreciate love..

treasure...hmm...that leads back to how much you treasure a person... you really never know until that person leave you...

oppostite attracts... it is like that in love... both parties willing to give and take... that is the thing that forge the bond... the bond between 2 people.. i assume that is something difficult too... cause whatever that has got to do with life and love is difficult and never that easy to understand...

that is the end of the crapping... i also dont know why i crap so much... i should be asleep long ago.. i told myself to sleep early.. ya.. it is earlyin the morning now..haha.. 3.15am... please praise me.. god knows how bad the out break will get tomorrow... haha

~*it is really easier to smile than frown*~
~*eveyone knows that*~
~*but not everyone can do that*~
~*so? spread the diesease*~
~*the smile*~
~*it is contagious*~
~*so beware*~
~*haha*~
~* C= *~
~*the smiley face*~
~*the one that do mean something*~
`how2admit`in life`i din move on`i tried

.::happy entry::.

~*life is like that*~
~*ups and downs*~

life is like that... i can be crying in the night but the next morning i am happy like siao...

ok...high suger intake makes you happy... but i get abit guilty huh... haha...

life is just like that... so into horoscope, tarot cards and so many things lately... of course when i am free.. i am starting to wonder why... why bother to find so much about the future? why try to know what will happen tomorrow? i mean... there are just somethings that you decide for yourself... but still i choose to know more...

i want to know more... i want to be more certain about the future... i scare getting lost... i scare not knowing what will happen next... who is not afraid of this kind of things one? not knowing what will happen the next minute... not knowing when will bad things come...

anyway... life is just like that... people are always out looking for things to confirm certain other things... i am also like that... i am always out soughting for confirmation...

anyway... this is suppose to be one of the few rare happy entries... so...hmmm...

happy day today... my son birthday... haha.. ok... my auntie's grandson... ok...not my auntie... but my nanny...

haha

cute little boy... so much more cuter than dallan... i think that is why he always feel like slapping the boy whenever i show him the photo...haha

haha... i realise... crying do help... it is better to cry things out.. .just something to make me cry... and i will let everything out... haha...

so next time when i am sad... maybe someone should make me cry... haha... cause i will definitely feel much better after that...

life is like that... ups and downs...

maybe it is time to confirm what i really want before i continue to sought for confirmation from the outer world...

anyway... i just realise that my knee hurts... hmm... my left... whatever... haha

oh ya... i got a BAND 3 for pw... the whole school is getting that kind of grade, with only EIGHT INDIVIDUALS getting band 1... oh my... thats is like hell... i should not persist who is at fault... someone will get it back for us...

hello... the stupid bloody problem here now is... a low number of band 1 and oli less than 10 in each class getting band 2..

and hello... my class only a mere 3 people getting band 2... what is this? the number of people getting band 1 in our college is way lower than the PERCENTAGE of people getting band 1 in other college... arh... what is the world coming to?

dont say it i because our college stricter... who have thinner PW file than us? get the point? where are all the researches? hmmm... in the working file... -_-

what is this?

but still sorry... the whole thing here is... it is never our choice to leave it with us and not hand in in the final file... NOT US!!! definitely not the whole college... but that is just what the whole college did...

i think i should pray to her... argh..

anyway... let the good things continue lor... definitely not her... her reign is OVER!!!

GET RID OF HER!!! argh

she ROCKS the whole of SAJC... thats the solely only thing that i can say now...

disclaimer.. all of the above informations are just personal views and i should not be held responsible for whatever that may happen as a result of reading this entry. it is just an entry written without any objective to offend someone or to defame someone.

the disclaimer abit lame... i know that... but you never know... haha...

happy things... happy things...haha

today feel so saturday-ish...haha.. that was too random though...

haha

~*let everything continues*~
~*the good things*~
`sori`i m selfish`let mi do wadeva tt i want`10Q

.::i am happy today... but i am tired::.

~*i am hyper today*~
~* argh *~
~*tired*~

i dont know why i so tired today... felt like i am going to fall sick anytime...but anyway.. i am still alive... tomorrow is such a stupi long day can...but anyway.. haha.. is the last day of the week so i dont care... haha...

i know i am just too tired to think.. i think like that also better la... so tired that the moment i board the bus, i sleep... haha...

no time to think... tonight... i think i have like tonnes to do... so... thats all that i am going to write here before i disappear...

see the happy me on SUNDAY!!! haha...

sunday seems like the best day of the week although i have to see some people that i dont really wish t see...but it is still a happy day...all the stupid things that we can do there...haha...

the most important thing is i can sleep in till a later time!!! PIG... haha...whatever...

i didnt sleep during math and biology lecture today!!! ok... i dozed off for about one minute during biology but i didnt miss anything...

at the end of the lectures, i praise myself k? cause if i sleep during biology lecture i would have missed a hell lot of things... all empty...the lecturer say she loses one side of her contact lens so she didnt realise that her notes are so empty and so different from her slides... some serious copying...haha... going to reorganise the notes later...

maths lecture... the lecturer so super slow... we have 2 lecturer alternating... lucky today isthe male teacher... argh... dont know why he sound so happy when it comes to math...and dont know why the other lecturer, who is also my subject teacher, sound so sad when she talks about math... she seems to be singing a lullaby when she is lecturing... oops... haha

should i go for easter celebration this saturday... i think i should be a good girl and stay at home... =p please praise me for being a good girl...

haha

miss nanhua...cause i didnt go back today...sorry...really too tired... guilty... like pang seh keelui like that... next time bah...

thanks to those who tried to talk me out of that sad mood of mine yesterday... haha... thank you for the song!!! C=

~*smile*~
~*it is not that bad afterall*~
~* C= *~
`i noe e same ting is bgining`sori`i m tryin2control