I am going to leave something that my life once revolved around behind in another week's time.
Something that for the past 3 years of my life, I have been living with everyday. Spent most of my time on it for the whole 3 years, giving up on gatherings and other hobbies for it. I am finally going to leave it behind.
Did it affect me and made me upset? Yes, tears were involved in this decision making, a lot.
However thoughts always cross my mind to remind me that, this is a painful decision but it is correct.
Painful because I am leaving all the friends behind, friends who were there when I am happy, sad, angry or lost.
Painful because I love what I was doing. I love all the things that I do, the people that I made, the ability to pass information to people, the ability to teach and share knowledge with my friends and colleagues.
Yet, again, I was always, constantly reminded that there is just a limit to how much I can go here.
I know, no matter how much I do, it is never enough. I will never get agreement from other people, I will always be the one who is not good enough, simply because, blame it on myself for not knowing how to impress people.
New people are always, forever better than me. I am never in the same catergory as other Singaporean Chinese. I am always not there.
And I have to accept that things arent that bad for me, monetary wise. Yet again, comparatively, there are people who are getting better. I have no idea how to convince myself totally most of the time. There are things that arent that bad actually.
Yet, most importantly, feedback and reacting to feedback. Life and work is difficult enough, and to make matter worse, people's temperant are affected by whether there is cash or not. And this make people's life difficult. Feedback is always encourage, but ego and pride is the killer to all these feedback because what that managed to improve is just a small part of what was reflected.
It has been a difficult 3 years, and I am glad that I survived with little teaching from my own superiors. It is sad when he is willing to teach others and never you. It is very sad and yet no one knows how bad that felt on my part.
And this decision is difficult as well, sad for me, appearing ok might not mean that much after all. :)
I am not that ok, but not that sad at the moment.
Farewell on Saturday!
