.::NDP end::dont talk to me about my blog face-to-face::.

~*things are over*~
~*when will we meet again?*~

suffering from post ndp saddness... everything end le...

i was alright that night... i was still consoling a girl from guides cause she was so sad that things had ended...she miss the food the rehearsals the place the people the marshals the other guides and the wonderful experience...

i think i don not feel that sad because i know i will have a chance to see those dancers again... as long as i go back to pa i will get to see them...

but i have to admit... i do feel abit sad... those few people who helped us and let our things run smoothly, they are the ones who 'feed' us...oop... the ones who brought us food and guide us around... thanks to (especially)CK and ZhiXiang... i think i didnt remember wrongly... that should be their name... we were kind of crapping away when art 1 started... didnt really do that a few practice ago... thanks

they are really the ones whom we dont know when will meet again...and even if meet... will we still rememeber each other... they really helped us alot...

i am feeling worse day by day... things end le... should i go for practice this sunday? i still thinking... haix... cut cut cut...everything have to end...

i want to take part in ndp again next year!!! i dont care!!! haha...

thanks to all the people who have helped us in one way or another... without anyone...things would not be that good... and lucks to all of them... that zhixiang going japan to study lor... attachment... glad to have know these people... wonderful people they are...

come the serious part...

please dont come and talk to me about my blog and what i had blogged... cause i seriously dont think talking to me about what i had blog is necessary...

at the point of time when i am blogging, i am feeling sad and down... i woke up early morning feeling happy and was hypering feeling super happy all the way... until... dont come and remind me what i have blogged... dont blame me for being hostile cause when your tried to talk about what had happened on my blog... it may not make me feel sad but it will definitely make me feel bad... bad as in bad mood...

get the facts right... why bother to come and talk to me when what is written on my blog is what i am thinking? this is MY blog.. i have the rights to type anything... sad or pessimistic or fake... why bother to come and tell me those things? you have the choice to not read MY blog right? click on the cross up there and everything will settle and i will feel happier...

but i dont mind people commenting on my blog on my tag... i just down want to let my blog have the chance to spoil my day... whenever i read my blog... i am preparing to feel bad...cause usually would not be too happy after blogging...

whatever it is...whether or not you are feelingafter reading this entry, i dont really care...i dont want to be hostle face to face thats why i didnt really say anything even though i was not very happy then...i dont really know why...but i know you kind of spoil my day...and i believe that will never again... am i right?

sorry for being quite straight...

and to all...any comments,besides regarding blogskin or layout,others please keep it to tag or email me...

~*things seems straight*~
~*but i can say*~
~*it is not the straightest way*~
~*EVERYTHING had ended*~
~*temporary...i know*~

.::selfish me huh?::.

~*why?*~

i am having a hard time to concentrate on my studies now...i am tempted to go back... i really am...but i know i cant... i told myself i cant...

i want to know what is going on in NHDS... i want to know how everyone is doing there... i want to know all the latest things... i want to know that everyone is ok...

i want to know all those...but just somehow recently i got selfish...

i want to have better grades for MYSELF so i choose to cut off ties with NHDS... temporary...
i have this another selfish thought... ever since i stop going back for ALL the practice during the june holidays... or even sometime before that... i sensed drifting... i kind of feel like someone extra trying to dig out some info that people actually dont realli wish to tell me...

things like who and who stead... things like what is actually really going on underneathe... what they are thinking and stuff... i am never updated... i am updated but not by them personally sometimes... i just have this feeling... dont know why... i hate that feeling...

i know i am selfish to have that thought...

how to just get in touch with them when i dont even go back? i just skip a few lesson during the june holidays and i feel lost when i am with them... cause i dont know what is really going on... no one seems willing to tell me until i really begged... selfish i am

another selfish thought... why must it always be me helping them... when will they turn around and help me? how many people out there that i am trying to help actually come and read my blog? if they really treasure me... they will try ways and means to know what is going on to me... they approached daryl... if daryl cant answer them, they should have come to my blog... and they will know everything... dont tell me they dont know my blog... even someone from cresent know my blog... if they dont, then i really dont know how to react

i am selfish now... i have a dozen of reasons to keep me from going back...

i want to spend more time on my studies... i dont want to be retained...

i dont want to go back and face all those politics... i am tired

i dont want to face the risk of being stabbed... i m scare

i dont want to hear anymore accusation from other batches... i am sick of that... although i appear like i dont care at all

i dont want to go back and hear all those things that other seniors are talking about... what they are saying just make me feel that dance is getting more and more complicated...

i dont want to go back and see people changing from who they are now to someone whom i dont even know... someone had changed... i sensed that change... i no longer respect that person like before le...

i dont want to go back and help the kids... how to help them when they are not helping themselves... i dont have time for that

i dont want to help them cause it is always one-way... i am tired and being selfish here...

i dont want to go back and be used by them again... tell my name to a teacher without letting me know before hand... what is this? come to me only when you need me... it is darn obvious what those few are really thinking... i just dont want to spell everything out...

but now i really dont care consequences le... let me be selfish cause i am really tired...

i feel like an idiot... i hate that feeling of going after people for updates when they dont seem willing to tell me... so am i suppose to do that? how to continue when everything is just one-way

it has being so long... they have grow... is it my fault that i choose not to go back during the june holidays... the drift is caused by me... but is it really just my fault? there are just things that they choose to keep to themselves... they choose to not tell me... not i choose not to listen in the first place...

how many people out there really know what i am thinking? so few... i want to be happy... but i cant...

maybe it should just be a senior-junior relationship between me and everyone since the start...

there will be someone out there cursing this stupid girl again and someone out there telling me that what i feel is not the truth... but that is just what i sensed and what i feel... i choose to believe my heart...

kill me... i am so so so tired of everything...

maybe these 2 months i will get use to life without NHDS and never go back after that... who knows what will happen after these 2 months right? everything in life is unexpected... just like i didnt expect this bond to make me cry so many times in these few years...

i am numbed by everything...should i be even more selfish and not even care about them at all?
i feel guilty... sorry koonhui... i didnt mean to flare up today... i didnt mean to cut the line... i am just so not in the good mood today...

i feel guilty that i have such a good friend like koonhui but i am not always there for him... the old me even sort of quarrelled with him because of them... i am such a GREAT friend too...

maybe everything should just end that day when i graduated...

please dont expect me to be always be there for your when your are not there for me most of the time... or should i say NEVER?got some exception... i dont really remember... there is about 20 of you there and just one me here... how to be there for most of you all the time?

we are in different phrase of life... different commitment...your are not the only ones in MY LIFE...

i dont want to be the mother again... i hate being one... i am so tired and scare... cause i dont know what may happen in the future... and i hate putting on a mask when i am facing some of them...i am tired!!!

i dont want anymore responsibilities... i am stressed

i haVE dozens of reasons to stop me from going back... so i would not go back...

my dog is cuter than them... at least things are simpler and much more beautiful...

~*maybe it is all crap to some of you*~
~*maybe your dont even care*~
~*maybe i am just a passer by*~
~*maybe your are just passer by*~

~*What did i lose?*~
~*what did i gain?*~

i don't know... things were ok when i made the decision... i decide to stop dancing for the time being until after my promos... i was ok then... but as the time draws near for my decision to be in place, i feel lost... sad and uncertain...

mabe someone out there is thinking that...: jieyim, this girl here is just like some other people who used to be from NHDS... come back and help... simply for the sake of POWER... now she is getting tired of the POWER, she is moving on and never coming back to NHDS anymore...

who understands? i am feeling lost now... maybe you think it is only for show... lost because of the uncertainty... cause i know drifting will occur if i choose to let go temporary... god knows what will happen after this period of time? will things still be the same? will friendship still be the same? i don't think so... i don't have faith in myself... not the people out there...

i want to be there for them now that new things are in place... i am worried... but sometimes i just think that they have to learn... so i should not go back... that is one of the reason bah...

i know it is my choice to stop temporary... people telling me that it is ok one lah... sometimes you juat have to let go for a while... i know that... i know that all along... my brain accepted that but my heart dont... so what can i do? what people are telling me now are things that i expected from them...

maybe i should just be like jeremy... stupid a little bit... dun think so much, dont play mind games and when people console you, you will feel happy... cause they are telling you happier things that you never hear or thought of before... but that is not what i am going through now... i gave things thoughts and i expected what people around me might tel me... so everyhing is just pointless when it comes out from their mouth...

please dont come and ask me to go back to NHDS... i am tired of telling people that i wouldnt go back until after my promos with those kind of serious attitude... cause i know in my heart... it hurts to say those words... it hurts to say NO... i want to go back... i can find reasons to NOT go back but i cant find reasons to go back ...

you dont need a reason to go back... but you need a dozen of reasons to keep you from going back...

dont try to make me cry...

you will never know that feeling until you went through so much with people there... not people from your batch... not just 4 years there but alot more... a few months more is more than enough to let you feel sad...

ok...someone out there may think i am saying all these for show again... think whatever your want... i dont care cause i know this is my blog and i say what i want and what i feel... this is realli how i am feeling now...i juts hope for understanding from people around me who knows me well...

~*there is always somethings you had to let go*~
~*let go for something else*~~*now it is STUDIES over DANCE*~
~*accept it silly HEART*~

++telling myself things will be same after everything...
++telling myself to not go back
++telling myself i am not doing everything for myself only++telling myself to be happy
++telling myself you are doing the right thing
++telling myself to be happy
++my brain says i am doing the right thing but myheart says iam not
++what is this?


NDP rocks... i will miss it... cause i got alot new friends... hor? octopus? haha...
when i visited octopus blog... kind of shocked to see the blog title as octopus... never expect that... cause it was for fun when we started mentioning octopus... maybe she is not refering to me... but i am still glad that we had fun!!!

and to chuyun huh... haha... i will always remember what you say one... eekie words... nope... it is eekie way of saying... haha... memories... i call them memories...

~*thanks for all the laughter*~
~*thanks for cheering me up when i was down*~
~*thanks for the birthday wishes*~
~*thanks for eating the pratas...*~
~*thanks for eating the KFC...*~
~*thanks for eating the ice cream...*~
~*thanks for eating the nasi lemak...*~
~*thanks for eating the dry burgers...*~
~*thanks for eating the CHICKEN PIE...*~
~*thanks for eating the curry puffs...*~
~*thanks for eating the chicken rice...*~
~*thanks for drinking the NEWater...*~
~*thanks for drinking the H2O...*~
~*thanks for drinking the paopao guo dong...*~
~*TOGETHER*~
~*thanks for being there...*~
~*your were there when i was down*~

c=

i will be ok!!!

.::an end for now::.

~*as the day draw near*~
~*i start to feel the pain*~
NDP is coming to an end soon... that means my decision must set in place soon... as in... i have to stop dancing... till after promos in october... ok...saddening

so be it bah... going to study outside...hehe...and now have to try and wake her up... study time!!!
~*why things have to come to and end?*~
~*i knowis not forever*~
~*but i am sad and scare*~

.::what can i do?i am always left without a choice::.

~*there is just nothing for me to type*~

i think i am getting too sensitive sometimes...or should i say over sensitive... thinking too much into things making me feel bad... not really bad...just keep thinking about it... and stoning away

darn cold today... and the whole class is just so dead la...

i hardly sleep during tutorial... but the room was so cold that i cant bring myself to do anyting...so i just doze of...=p

anyway... sometimes i just think that my sister is just not senstive enough... but what can i say?

i stayed up late to accompany her...just now she asked mi help her iron her uniform... easy job... so i said ok... then veri late le... i scare my mother come out scold cause i haven switch off the tv... so i asked sis whether can help mi switch off the tv cause to me she seems to be on her way out...

she just said no... and i started thinking why... i asked her why she dont want to help me... her reply was... 'i helped you last night le'... abit shocked...

i waited for her for countless nights... i help her iron her uniform... ok... i may not be there for her to ask question all the time... but i will do things for her if i can...

so...am i suppose to blame myself for not holding myself properly as a elder sis or should i blame her bad temper...

this was not the first time... our relationship just revolve around her mood... she happy... everything ok... if not then very hard to say..

i know she changed for the better alot le... but cant she see that i changed too? no more f words directed to her or said at home...

i say she selfish... then she started saying i bimbo... ok... your sis here is bimbo...

i go out in SUPER MINI SKIRTS ALL THE TIME...
i go out in SUPER BIMBOIC CLOTHES ALL THE TIME...
i walk AND LET MY BUTT GUIDES THE WAY ALL THE TIME...
i speak in those SUPER ACT CUTE VOICE ALL THE TIME...
i put SUPER MANY COLOURFUL HAIR CLIPS ALL THE TIME...
i tie my hair in SUPER BIMBOIC STYLE ALL THE TIME...

can she like just go and find out what a bimbo really is?...before she start insulting me and disgracing herself?

maybe sometimes i am when i say words like 'WHATEVER' but that was solely for fun... 'WHATEVER' with the 'WHATEVER'action is darn bimbo... i know that... so i never do that again ever since jeff said it was bimboic...

what is this... what kind of sister she want... if she really want to comment me... then i rather she say i LIAN... cause i admit i like to ACT LIAN... happy???

~*i am not the guai little girl all the time*~ ~*step on my tails and you die... *~

my patience is limited... so far she is the only one whom i am treating nicely even when i am maligned by her for so many things for so many times...

~*she stepped on my tail le*~

but i cant bring myself to treat her badly... but does anyone knows how bad it feels when she malign you...you treat her nicely... and the next moment she is shouting at you again...

what is this?

~*my keyboard is wet again*~
~*because of her again*~

.::bored::.

~*bored me*~
~*don't know what to blog*~

haha... life is like that... how you wish you can do something... but you realised that you don't know how to do it...

no link... i dont know how to continue wit this topic... so i shall go on to another...

aniway...

i realised i was kind of too dependent on my horoscope le... izzit good orbad? i dont know... hehe...

no link again... and i dont know how to continue le... haix... so be it again

jiayou nanhua people... sec4... jiayou for prelims... others... next week ct le ah... choing ah...

haha... mi aft ndp stop bahs... test coming after ndp... die...

~*jia you*~
~*jia you*~
~*jia you*~

.::maybe it is crap, but it matters::.

~*why are things changing again?*~
~*what am i thinking?*~
~*should it be the last?*~

life is fun... real fun during NDp...but come to think of it, there is no more practice until the actual day le... i will miss it...

didnt know why i joined ndp in the first place... i think i joined for fun... but all i can say i totally enjoy the experience... and the company... maybe not the food... but definitely all those nice friends not just people around me now but also those from other dance groups... haha... we actually stood there and comment on a lady with extremely short skirt... so short the we can see what is under those skirt... mind you ... that lady is FAT... haha...

nice to know new friends... ahaha... they are cool people...

anyway... thanks to that army guy, CK... haha... i think without him we will die... haha... he is the one in charge of centre stage dancers... he brought us food and stuff lah... haha...

that guy acting as stamford raffles stood next to me on preview that day lah... lol.. darn funny... changed so many partner since the first day... keep changing position somemore...

haha...

haix... should i get involved? i know it is time to stop... but it is just so tempting... to work with professionals, in a total new place... that is damn cool... but i know i would not be able to cope... cause the trainings just let me reach home very late... the next day i will die...

haix... see how things goes...


]]hope

]]is something that someone gives you

]]the greater the hope

]]the greater the disappointment

]]so you tell yourself

]]dont accept the hope given to you

]]you appeared like you didnt accept

]]but deep down

]]you know you did

]]how bad does that feels?

]]you never know

]]until one day you felt the disappointment

]]then you realise that...

]]ever since the day he talk to you

]]ever since the day he is good to you

]]ever since the day he is nice to you

]]ever since the day he gives you hope

]]you have accepted everything

]]everything that comes along with him

]]his entry into your life

]]you know everything makes a difference

]]you know he make a difference

]]you thought everythings will be different

]]you choose to hold on

]]he continues

]]giving hope without realising that he is

]]you continue

]]accepting without appearing that you are

]]maybe without realising you are

]]you are disappointed again

]]disappointed not just due to lost of hope

]]but also disappointed with your failure

]]failure to control yourself

]]your mind

]]your thinking

]]your actions

]]your words

]]your heart

]]but even when that day comes

]]you continue

]]until one day

]]when he realise he is giving hope

]]and he stop

]]then you will stop

]]the hope that he gave me

]]now or future

]]i dont know how long

]]one thing for sure

]]i will only keep accepting and hoping

]]until one day he stop

]]i yearn for that day to come

]]not because i yearn for disappointment

]]but because i yearn for what comes after that

]]a better life

]]a new life


#what is this?

#just some thoughts

#thoughts that played around with hope

#resulting in disappointment

#those 2 words are part of life

#just like how important water is

#cause it is just part of life

#just like waiting

#everyone is born to wait

#whole life

#for the ultimate thing

#death

#departure to eternity