.::PARANOID::.

~*slap this paranoid girl here*~
~*but she is ok now*~
~*you know there is something in this world called MOOD SWING?*~

hmm...firstly... conclusion after back from Marina Bay... i am super careless... why did i even take the camera out in the first place? i saw the cam that morning and start to think... and i just took it... i never lost aniting before... not my wallet or even handphone... why i lose a 3 months old new camera that cost over 600 plus?

omg...it is like... sad... i am given one year to earn it back...

thanks a million to the one/s giving me all the hugs... you all rock or you rock... make si sun jealous... it did cheer me up... thank you... i am ok now le... to whoever you are... please reveal yourself... C=

everything still means so much to me...everything from youu...but youu never know...i never want to do anymore things that has got to do with youu...cause i don't to hurt myself and b a bad person...

~*cheerios*~
~* C= *~
~*it is still the same, youu*~

.::I AM OK LE::.

~*i know how over paranoid i am at times*~

haha... after playing maple... i think i xiang tong le... haha... congrats me please...

C=

but still youu are still dere...

.::ok...tomorrow will be a better day!!!::.

~*ok...decided...*~
~*tomorrow will be a better day*~
~* C= *~

hmm...what a day... i realise a sad truth... maybe he didnt mind... maybe he didnt realise... aiya... let it be... nothing to say i will not say anything le... just let nature take its course...

have fun...continue to have fun and let them say whatever they want... ya... i dont need to know anything... and i know things will be alright until they do the same stupid things again...

it is the thing that you realise when you force yourself out of the picture... letting yourself get away from your source of trouble... then things will be alright... alright as in you will not think so much... cause there is nothing much to do anymore... there is nothing much you have to do with him... so be it...

~*enjoy your day tomorrow!!!*~

.::maybe it is good to not have friends?::.

~*i seriously need a slap*~
~*someone please*~
~*but still today is a better day than yesterday*~

hmm...sometimes not thinking is really better... sometimes i am just thinking...maybe one will do better off without friends?or rather without close friends... you will then not to spend much time in trying to handle the friendship...for fear that any bad thing can happen or for fear that one day that friend might leave you...

there are just some things that are not within control... legs and brains and mouth and every other small little things are on your friend, not on you...so you cant control... so no point brooding over the same thing again and again... but still... i cant control... so do you think i deseve a slap?

things are just easier said than done...

to me... i know i demand alot from friends... so much that i think i am a monster or something.. maybe i am related to RAR RAR RAT... do your know he can turn into a MONSTER MOUSE when he hock up?

that is the reason why the very first friendship in nan hua end...so long... i find it so sad to end it... but still i am a leo... i cant accept being lead around then...

no trust...3 is a crowd...it is hard to maintain a friendship that involve 3 people... cause it is just so hard to make sure that no one is left out... it is saddening to see 2 whispering and you not knowing anything...

things are just so expected... never expect him to give it a damn anyway... he never... or should i say hardly? he is not that bad afterall...

i feel as though i am using my horoscope as an excuse for behaving the way i am... do i have the rights to that? i am already getting confused...

i want to be recognised... scary ah me...? till now i am just thinking that i did things for nothing... he never seem to care... to him...things are just nothing... nothing BIG...

i never liked being wronged... i never like being kept in the dark... i think these are the only 2 things that i cant stand... but he never know... maybe he did... but he never see it as something BIG...

how many actually know?of those who know, how many actually believe me? i am stuck to this f*cking thing ever since the day i happen and don't know which clever idiots think i was the one...got mouth like don't have like that... no one involve knew who did it... i cant say... i can never say it...

stop saying i never ask... feel like slapping your face... aiya... i kapo la...

try pressing you rwarm face to someone's cold butt... does it feel nice? i hate that feeling... and i will hardly give myself a chance to feel that feeling...

i am really a monster... i cant remember anything that he had done fo me before... i am stuck in my own world... world where i am the best...i know that... slap me to wake me please...

everyone changes... i cant stop that... my fault for being away for long... maybe...

let things be over soon... i never like talking to them anymore... dont like the feeling...

ARGH!!! get out... i feel like screaming at people's face now... please...someone...

to youu: i am starting to wonder whether what youu are doing are worth it... things just seem so endless and unpredictable...

to you: you didnt get anything... you just continued with the way you do your own things... somethings that you didnt realised hit the start button and i start the whole process again...thinking about the same lame thing again... knowing the outcome even before it start but i cant control... like i say, it is never anything BIG to you... you are just concern with you,yourself,yours and still you... the topic and the listener... let things end soon please...

]]doubt the you will be reading this anyway...as if he will notice the blog... as if he will notice the change in nickname... as if he care... as ifhe think it is something BIG...[[

school starting and so many thousand million things undone... omg...i think i cant make it... have to jiayou... C=

~*let things end soon*~
~*stop saying the same thing you*~
~*enjoy life youu*~
~*stop thinking JIEYIM!!!*~

.::what a day::.

~*thank you Si Aun*~
~*thank you Daryl*~
~*...for listening...*~

what a day...laughter... and jokes... i know i promised myself a much happier entry today... but...hmm... i cant seem to that now... sorry... it is the time that i blog and the things that i thought about before i blog...

what a day... i thought i should not have thought about those things again... but still i did... the whole day... behind those smiles and laughter today... still...

anyway... peixuan and hannqian... the previous entry was not directed at your... cool... C=thanks for being nice nice juniors...

the others also...by the way...

thank you si aun for being a good listener... a good 'son'...

thank you daryl for being a good listener too... you know how i feel... C=

the smile is so bitter... it is not from the heart... not that i am not thankful but just that it is not enough to make m smile... maybe when school re open i will be better... better cause i do not need to handle all these things again and cause i know that by school re open, i will be the most outdated one AGAIN...

the same thing... the message did not reach the one i intented... i should have been used to things being one-way...

JIE YIM... IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT... RATHER ONE-WAYED... INSTEAD FOR A FEW... WAKE UP... DON'T DROWN YOURSELF IN YOUR WONDERFUL DREAM AGAIN...

I Should have expected things to be like that... then why did i still bother so much? i don't know... silly me huh...

it is nice to act as though there is something going on... let the one wonder who it is... revenge... but i wonder... does anyone catch that message?

ok...maybe the tone for this entry will get lighter and lighter... cause i am currently mapling...

i feel like crying... i don't know how to continue actually...

seriously if that person was someone else i would not have cared... seems to be considering for me but did you ever think how i will feel? you would not like that feeling too... did you realise that? no you did not...

so like i say... one-way-ed

say i feelso bad... feel as though i very KAPO... don't say...keep thinking... it would not help... i rather choose to say... i have been thinking from day 1... i thought i make myself clear once but what i get in the end?

everything is just so long and draggy... what long story it turnt out to be... what long story it can be...how long the story can be? how long will the gist be? what matters has always been the heart...

things never get any better... like expected?

AIYO...PLEASE SLAP MI HARD... i feel so silly... knew that it was expected still sad... ARGH!!!

i like time alone when i am sad...someone just half to come up and ask and that will touch my heart... thank you peixuan... you were the one... you asked... something short... and not knowing... but you did touch my heart... i was not feeling good then... C=

but walking through changi airport alone seems nice... suggestion...run away from home can run there... ok...that shall be what i will do if i runaway from home...

terrible night... it is time to get myself a dream catcher.. i need one... cry myself to sleep... terrible dreams... never once good... make one myself... my old one without feathers le...

anyway...no longer feel like typing names of people... maybe not giving it a damn right from the very start will not make me like that now... easy...just don't associate...i think i can do that... but my heart...

just ended the call with wahtuck...somethings are just difficult to let go that easily...i am trying...all along i am trying to... but sometimes the heart just lead the way...

thank you wah tuck for helping me to cry...crying make me feel better... thanks for listening... i feel silly...

to SiAun,Daryl,WahTuck: 'thank you... i know your will keep what i said a secret... C='

still i must thank you for all the jokes all these years...
making me laugh when i am being unreasonable...
unreasonable and getting angry over nothing...
you made me laugh...
although i told you more than once that i laugh do not means i am no longer sad or angry...
i am just a failure at controlling my laughter...
but all these years i am immuned...
and things have changed...
you are no longer the one i know...
so be it... it is always your choice...
so much similarities between your...
not for my case...
so much difference...
i thought i know you but then i realise i don't...
sad case ah? what a failure i have been...
don't tell me that things lies with me...
don't tell me i didn't ask...
cause i cant...
the ratio is wrong...
i am already biased...
i thought things were ok all along...
but...
there is always a 'but'...
i was wrong..
all along wrong...
so what can i say?...
maybe everything should not be this way right from the start...
but still i must thank you...
until everything is over, i don't think i will associate myself with you...
until everything is over...
soon i suppose...
but yet i doubt you will realise me moving far away...
i know you...
C=

don't ask me who the message is for... cause i know i die die will not say one... keep SECRET... C= purposely or not i don't know...maybe half half... but anyway... there are still things that i need to learn and there are things that i cant imagine yet... i don't wish to think till the day come...

cheerios people... life rocks when you don't think so much and just have fun... hmm... easier said than done but at least you will try will you not?

it is always btte rto be happy than sad... please tag... thank you a million for reading so far... all the stupid sad things about me...

C=
what the smile >>>C= means still means the same thing... just that youu never know... yes... youu...

~*let time solve it*~
~*youu never know*~
~*you never know*~
~*it is just different*~

.::about me::.

~*i searched for somethings about my zodiac sign online*~

You should be leo!Leo is the fifth Sign of the Zodiac. These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. Leos are an ambitious lot, and their strength of purpose allows them to accomplish a great deal. The fact that these folks are also creative makes their endeavors fun for them and everyone else. It's quite common to see a Leo on stage or in Hollywood, since these folks never shy away from the limelight. They are also supremely talented and have a flair for the dramatic. Warmth and enthusiasm seems to seep from every Leo pore, making these folks a pleasure to be around. They do love pleasure!


and


The sign Leo is symbolized by the Lion.Your sign's element is Fire. Leo is ruled by the Sun.You are highly dramatic and like to be center stage. Leo is poised and confident, loyal, sincere, and makes a good organizer.
Leo is proud and dignified, enthusiastic, and ambitious. Leo likes luxury and pleasure and is willing to pay the price for it. Leo is colorful, self assured, outgoing, impulsive and expansive. Leo is authoritative and affectionate. You expect praise and you give praise.
Possible negative aspects of the sign Leo: You can be jealous, arrogant, vain, self centered, and a show-off demanding attention. You are flashy, domineering, and
snobbish, and have feelings of superiority over others.


~*ok...thAt is just so me*~

i Never forget i Am A leo...Neither Am i letting it leAD my wAy...i Am just like thAt...

whAt Are you thiNkiNg now, jieyim?...the truth is... i Am thiNkiNg About A lot of thiNgs... so mANy thAt i eveN thiNk thAt i Am scAry...

i seem to be DemANDiNg too much... but come to thiNk of it... mAybe i Am just kApo?... but seriousLy i doN't thiNk i Am...

i was ok...until you said those words... maybe not directed at me... but i was like... 'hey...you do feel that way too?'... i decided to be a listener...that means whatever that come in will just stay there... no thinking or much processing will be done... cause i think it will not be necessary to process...

so how will i be troubled when i just listen?

i am always the last few to know... you just said i never asked... hmm... i never have the time to ask every single one of them...

maybe it will be ok... ok if we were never so close as friends before... you will then be just like the others... i wouldn't be thinking so much now...

always saying the same thing over and over again... i never like the feeling of not knowing something... it is ok to keep things away from me... but provided that i never hear anything about it... why let me hear abit and yet not tell me?

it feel just worst when the people you are going out with knows about it... most of them know about it... except me... what group do i fall into then? to me i fall into the group of untrusted ones... not close friends ones...

what a christmas this year...

what a holiday this year...

thats me... and shut the crap and stuff... stop whispering in front of me... don't expect me to tell you anything... let you have a taste how bad that feel... secrets huh... what secret it is when you know something is going on?

a fool or idiot i am... trying to probe and i got words telling me to shut up...

~*ENOUGH*~
~*I MIND*~

`as if the message will reach the person i am directing it at`

'what a christmas'

.::grow up le::.

~*its now my time to learn to grow up*~

three years passed just like that... those time that we spent after dance on all those Saturdays, talking to them, repeating the same things week after week... never expect them to grow up... always thought that they wouldn't...hmmm... but please look at them now... haha...

come to think of this christmas, it seems like one rather sad one... think how will things be like next year... NHDS will no longer have the whole gang of sec3 boys there... hmm...it will just seem so not right to me...

yea... si aun... i am trying to move on... i think i am... hmm... you will see lesser of me next year if my time table sucks...cause if seems to take me at least half hour to get me from my school back to nan hua... and...hmm...whats for next year? A level? oopx...

hmm...please be guai wild cave kids...haha... don't ask me how you get that nams... sec3 boys... daryl gave your that name... haha...

thank you for all the nice memories...

~*i though they will never be able to grow up*~
~*but i was wrong*~
~*look at them now*~
~* C= *~

--to youu : did you realise that things are still the same?my thinkings,feelings,everything--

.::so far::.

~*so many things to say*~
~*so many things not done*~
~*so many regrets*~
~*so many sorries*~
~*so many whys*~
~*so many confusion that i have no idea what all these is about*~

even before i start, i should apologise...haha... blog dead for so long...

anyway... so many things happened... so many and yet i only remeber the bad ones... hmm...why?... i don't know... but i still do remember that i picked up a sabretooth and someone gave me a silver snowboard... thanks a million...

anyway... ya... so many things that needs to be done... and so many things that are done by me... and some others and i am feeling guilty that i actually did that... regret for what so ever that had happened... if your know what i am talking about... i failed to consider and think for everyone again...who am i to deserve what they are saying? i am not that great afterall...

hmm... maybe what i heard was just what a certain someone had said... as in maybe that person is just making up things that do not exist... but since no one seems willing to tell me what happen, i can only choose to accept what i heard... for after so long, i finally know the reason why he choose to leave in the first place... never thought about that at all...

so many problems caused due to all those acts of mine... at least a lesson learnt though... learnt no to do anything... and i am trying to control...

never know that all these could have happen... refering to all of them... only when the thing is starting to stir then i realise what a fool i have been... i am always feeling that i am a fool...

but somehow i have learnt to take things as they come... because happy or not... you still have to smile... you still have to laugh... i know if i cry, i will be the one at fault... i tried to control... i tried...

i miss them... i miss every single one of them...

sometimes i just wish that i do not know anything bad... at least things will still be the same...

all those meetings and things that i have said... how i hope that they never come out of my mouth...

sorries to those who understand what i am talking about... i contributed to things... maybe i am starting to miss myself... miss those days when everything is just so so peacefull...

maple kept me company these few nights... i will be so tired that the moment i off my computer i will just fall asleep... i am not thinking that much...

today... what have i done all along to deserve this kind of treatment? all the problems that i know... i wanted to solve them... i am trying my best...but she no longer needs me... why are there changes? i never like changes... i rathe rlife be the same... let the people around me be how they used to be... she is no longer the one whom i know what she is thinking... someow sheis different... arrogant?proud?or just trying to be strong? i don't know... but one thing for sure... she just falls in the group that i can never comprehen... never able to guess what they are thinking about...

sometimes it is just not good to be able to guess people's minds... cause when you obviously know that you are right and yet when you asked them they said otherwise, you will just feel hurt... hurt that they are not telling you the truth... although you knwo that they have their reasons... but it just hurts...i dont know why... i never like secrets

if you dont want to let me know anything, then dont even let me know of it's existance... once i know, you will have to tell me...

i never like to see people depressed and not know what is going on...

i start to realised that those whom i once treated as matured in thinkings, are not that matured afterall...maybe they changed or maybe i was wrong right from the start...

he changed you... i dare not say that i am putting in my most effort for this thing but i can just admit that we are different in our piorities... there some things that i think they are more important than any other thing...

i dont know how to continue... because...thinking back, everything was cause by my own doings...

there are just some memories that i choose to remove them from my handphone... because there are just things that i do not see the point in placing them at places that i will easily catch a glimpse of... it is sometimes better to keep things at the hidden corners of my heart...

only those who are concerned will know what i am really thinking about... for they will be the ones willing to ask...

i dont know what more changes will happen day after day.. let my holidays pass peacefully...

i am trying to let it be peaceful... it is just good to treat her as a stranger... not that i wanted to... but i just dont know how to settle it... i will only end up with heartaches... not me, not her but someone else...

haas... if you ever have the chance to see my swollen eyes, you should be feeling glad for me... cause i manage to let things out... i cant even cry now...

~*i hate changes*~
~*what will things be like half a year later?*~
~*what can i do to solve and settle everything?*~
~*missing you, youu, them*~
~* C= *~