.::m i realli happy?::.

~*i will be happy if i choose to*~
~*i know that*~
~*cox i said tat*~
~*i will try*~



i don't even know why i fall for him in the first place...someone who i thought i will never fall for...but the feeling just come...he is so near yet so far...i don't know what he is thinking... and i don't dare to hope much because of my tarots... they are telling me not to hope too much...anyway... i also don;t have much time to think that much... don't let me be alone and i won;t start thinking...



will i be able to see him tomorrow?+++i don't know


will he call when i am having exams?+++i don't know


why he contact me and not the others?+++i don't know


what is he thinking?+++i don't know


am i thinking too far and too fast?+++i don't know


he is asleep but i am not+++he don't reply+++maybe he will call back+++i don't know+++but when he does,i still don't know what he is thinking



so what do i do next? i am waiting again... maybe i will admit soon...but what will happen after that? i seriously don't know...



will i see him tomorrow?+++i don't know+++i don't think so---



happi'LY'...haha...LY is the surname for 'Happy'



went mediacorp today...saw tay ping hui...and ann kok... and vincent Ng... dunno his eng name la...wong qing hai... he talked to mr low...hee... they do know each other... he veri shuai...hee... fri still got...hehe... can see more stars...and... i shall not add... friday tired le...sat ndp den sunday nkf... hee.. starting item...hee...



~*we did talked*~
~*but not much*~
~*my mind is filled with 'I don't know'*~

.::why did i fall for him?::.

~*why did i fall for him?*~

~*i dunno*~

~*i no longer tink...*~

~*i feel*~

why did i fall for him? i don't know... and i choose not to tink...i choose to feel my way thru tings now...i m happi now... so be it...

yup... he is not the best guy ard... but i dunno why...i still dunno why...so i choose to let tings go the way my heart want...

i consulted my tarot... although dey told mi nuting will work out... i still choose to not believe my tarot dis time round... i dun care le... but... m i rite or not? i dunnoo...

the oli ting tat i noe now is the fact tat i m happi... and i know i choose dispath myself... so i will be happi... no matter wad the outcome will be... or should i say... at least i m happi now...

life is liddat... u can oli be happi when u choose to be happi... u will never be happy when u oways choose to look at the bad tings... look at the nice and sweet tings and life will be better... believe mi...

i used to be depressed... cos i choose the wrong route...i looked at the bad tings... i tink too much... i tink it is now time for mi to look at the good tings in my life... in this case... i didnt choose to cry over wad happened previously... instead i lived on... and i m happy now tat i haf him in my heart... although i seriously tink tat i will be sad in the end but i dun care cox sumhow i know i will be happy if i chose to... abit no link... haha...

but the main idea is to be happy... choose to be happy... and not be sad all the time...

it is oli a crush for now maybe... but i m happy... and i will remain happy...

busy wif nkf and ndp recently... watch NKFs ah... dis sunday DI gt perform and next week nanhua syf dance item... i gt take part in dis sunday one... tml going studio or should i say later? hee... friday oso going... den sat gt ndp training... den sun gt nkf actual... yeh....hee... tired but kind of fun... like i say... it is the company tat matters...

went pa today and saw a stray kitten... should be oli 2 weeks old nia... poor ting... cant stand it when it cry... i admit i omost cry... cox it makes mi tink of my kitten tat had past away... i fail to take good care of it... just when i tout it wun die... it will survive, it die... hannbin was sort of entertaining the cat lah... haha.... christine went wif mi to the float...trying to find back the kitten mother.. although i know the mother no longerwill want it le... as it haf human smell... but i still want to try...we cant find aniting... yongxuan was like scare of the kitten liddat lor... aiyo...big guy still scare little kitten...

<>

9.30 finali arrived...den move the drum den went off... we took the drum sticks home...except for yx lah...den walked out wif da jie and yx... den went to eat wif yx den take 985 wif yx home... suck lah... the ride suck lor... darn long... sia... sian... finalli reach home lor... haha...

going to see him soon... hehe... lame lah... i dunno why... i just feel now n i dun tink why i like him... cox seriously... i cant find ani reason....

~*life moves on ah*~

~*feeling my way thru and not tink*~

.::wad am i tinking?::.

~*nvm...i dun care wad i m tinking le*~

~*;et my heart guide mi*~

~*toking crap*~

~*haas*~

ok...iz like ... finali i can use my com... aniway... thankyou koonhui for ur effort to compile everyting...but hor... haix realli cant make it... and thankyou yongxuan for clearing up koonhui's mess... haha... **guilty me**

com down lah... having exams... nkf and ndp...can die... hahas... but funafter all... haf to chiong studies...

erm...to her...dun tink she will read but koonhui, ask her to come and read la... go and tink through all the tings tat i haf being telling u and stop doing wadever u r doing... haha... it is never possible... hee...

thankyou koonhui huh... wad terrible taste... hee... aniway just shut up and never tok abt tat again k? thx ... haha.... :P

~*life is still the same*~

~*but will be better if the2 are together*~

~*heez... :p *~

.::you never know::.

~*you never know what roles you play in others life*~

people come and leave in your life... did you ever go and ponder how important they are to you? i never... i regretted it... i think i should... cause you never know whether you will wake up tomorrow or will this meeting be the last meeting for you and your friends...

you never know what roles you played in others lifes... cause no one goes around telling others you are part of my life... those few words are just so sacred that it is hardly heard... if everyone goes around telling everyone that they are important then it defeat the purpose...

from the moment i know what is going on in this world... i know what are important to me vaguely... i know my family and friends are important... but i fail to go and grade them... i even fail to go and treasure them...

for both family and friends... i lose the most basic thing... trust... i fail to gain trust... bot that someone is out to stab me or anything but for the simple fact that i fail to earn trust throughout my life... i do not have a single idea why all these are happeneing until i realise that i fail to treasure... as i fail to realise how importan they are to me...

be it entertainment or companion or any other role that you are playing... you still matters to that particular person... you may bot have leave an impact... but when times come, people will learn to treasure...

time is precious... never let others wait... waiting is just a bad feeling... a terrible feeling... you never know what is ahead of you when you wait... i will start to think of the negative extreme end when you make me wait... i will prepare myself for the bad things... it is such a bad feeling...

you never know what role you play in others life... you played a part in my life... i fail to see that until problems arise... sad but there is no longer anymore things that i can do... i can sense that we sort of changed you... maybe your attitude towards us only... but not your attitude towards life... but whatever it is... i feel that we got our ultimate aim if you changed your attitude towards life...

whatever it is... life still have to move on... :]

~*learn to treasure*~

.::m i doing the right thing?::.

~*the world moves round*~

~*where should my heart settle?*~

i kept on telling her he is a great guy... he IS a great guy... they deserve to be together... i kept trying to push them together... but m i doing the right thing? I dunno wad will be the consequences...

~*let time tell me the answer*~

.::com down... i m not::.

~*my life moves on*~

he cum and left... didnt matter much... cox i was preparing myself for the worst when he went missing... i trust my tarots too... dey are telling mi the worst oso..

sho much tings happened dese days.... new terror 4... blur blur... aka roy...

to demon... i dunno when u will see dis entrry... but i realli dunno wad to say to u now...

to all out dere... love can be strong but it can oso b veri weak... love... be it friendship or ani other tings... dey can cum and go anitime dey want... but tat does not mean tat u haf a choice to put an end to it anitime u want...

my whole life... i oli put an end to friendship once wif 2 ppl by saying tat i wanna end friendship... tat is first time i said it... the 2nd time is to the demon... but tat was oli after he said sumting similar... i did it out of spite wif the other terror... knowing in mind that tings will still be orite soon...

i dun undstd why demon treat friendship so lightly... mayb he dun mean it... but... haix... hu know wad he is tinking...

~*life will move on*~

~*be it the demon is there or not..*~

~*but demon plz tink... *~

~*how will life be wifout the terror?*~

did we ever tell u tat we tried to control?we did... the frequency is lower now... did u even realise tat?

.::until sunday::.

~*who the hell know what is going on?*~

~*even i dunno a single tiny little ting*~

how i wish i know wat is going on... but the sad thing is i dunno... so wad else can i do except wait on?

why did u even cum into my life?maybe wifout u, i wun be sho troubled now...i will still be leading my peaceful life...

~*i woke up every morning...*~

~*onli to be surprised that i actualli managed to slp thru the night...*~

according to yiting... he didnt contact anione means he izzen out to end everyting... but that was not wad my tarots are telling mi.... true tat i lent my tarot to alot of ppl before... maybe it no longer belong to mi... should try to forge the bond btw mi and my tarot...

if he izzen out to end tings... den tat is worse... sumting happened...i dunno lah... so let it be... wait and see... since i was the one who suggested waiting till sunday... so let it be... stupid mi... let mi drown myself in liquor dis weekend... mayb mayb not... see how first... i must remain as a guai gia... haix...

up to dis point... how i wish he was never in my life

.::wad else can i do except wait?::.

~*i try to be ok*~
~*i will be ok*~
~*or m i lying to myself?*~

i dunno wad to tink and i dunno how to tink animore... i go to the extreme... i can only wait now... wait and hope that everything is ok on his side... wad else can i do?

sori roy i choose not to go in the end... cos i realli not in the mood when i realised that i have to wait again... i wait for one year... and for that past week and those few days i thought that i can be happy again... but i sort of realise i was wrong... terribly wrong... sumhow he might have things planned out... or we strated out but he think that sumting is not right... or mayb things are just not right on his side...

i dunno wad to tink and how to tink... i dun wan to lie to myself to tell myself to tink on the better side... i dun wan to put in hope cox i dun wan to have disappointment in the end... so i choose to numb myself and maybe drown myself in liquor... i dunno wad i will do... i will never do it again on my own... should the sunday cum and he didn't appear, but he appear sumwhere else, i will not be the one doing the job... it shall be my friends... i haf done enuff... in fact i think i do too much... i felt myself like a pest... so i choose to let go and dun tink about things now... enjoy my week till the sunday cum...

i dunno wad to tink... hope to find him but scare to face wad terrible truth there might be... but still hope to find him to know that he is orite...

haha... and dear readers... iz ok not to understand a single ting... or mayb undstd sumthings... cox sumtings are just meant to be like that... to be a mystery till the mastermind choose to reveal everything....

i tout i can be happy... but i was wrong... i just want to know he is ok... i can not care that much now... he is just another stupid guy... mayb i will have to wait again? mayb i should not even had said yes? i dunno... i oli know tat i m sad and worry and every other ting bad...

.::terror3::.

~*Life still moves on for the terrors*~

~*what about you?*~

i met up with the 2 terrors that day and guess where we terrorised this time round? haha... sakae sushi at the borders... so the 3 terrors hang around at borders and then sakae then we took train home... haha... then chang er kept looking at the butterfly jie jie... haha... and keep threatening to give me and liying wundercat tatoo... ahaha...

next we went to cck... and went to 7-eleven... then walked to somewhere near sounthview primary school... the workout area... that was where the first batch of terror 4 was first named... that stupid chang er kicked the work out machine and had a bad cut on his toe.. and that liying girl huh was laughing like mad... hah... sadist... omg...

then i HAVE to go home... then i went home...

was actualli tinkning that i can mit him after dance... but... haix... i tink his card no money or sumting... i didnt even get a reply from him... hax... frm last nite till now... haix... dunno wads going on... i kiptinking whether he gt receive my smss not... stupid... all i can do now i wait...

now i m feeling sick... having slight fever... must recover... might be going sentosa dis fri and overnite at west coast on this sat... haha... wed still gt dance... going to run like siao...

life moves on for the terror... running away wun help... i know u will still be reading this entry sumhow... just like what liying said... to stay or leave, everything is ur choice... before you make any decision you haf to tink twice... cox u haf a lot to face... to stay.,.. you have to change... to leave, will you be able to live aloone? yes.,.. you can learn but how long will that take? you can cum back... everything is your choice...

we are pissed tat u actualli let ur parents know abt it... shouting to the fone in the living rm is obviously sumting big.,.. ur mama surely know one... you wanted to get solution but IZ YOUR LIFE... u haf to search for your own solution...w ecan oli tell u wads wrong... u have been living for the past 16 years and the mentaliy proof to be wrong... but u r still unwilling to change? wad are u afriad of? tings can never get ani worse... after u changed, either tings get better or remainn stagnent... it difinitely wun get worse...

but still i hafto thank you for bringing wonderful people into my life... without you, they will never be with me....

~*decide and let us know ur answer*~

~*but be prepared for wadever decision you make*~

.::love and like::.

~*wads the diff?*~

~*i tell you*~

go and ask around... the 3 words, 'I LOVE YOU' just come out straight from the mouth of many couple... but please go and look around... how many couple who claim that they love each other last?

no offence... but from my point of view, the word LOVE is serious... it meant alot of things to me... and my good friend too... go and ask jeremy too... he will tell you what he think about the different between LOVE and LIKE.

to me, LOVE has so much commiment... to me, LOVE is forever... but LIKE is not... i never say i LOVE someone... except for my parents bah... even when i waited 1 year for HIM, i also never mention that i LOVE him...

somehow i just think that we are still far too young to understand what LOVE means... but around me, there are still so many people who like to mention LOVE... the word is worthless now... so what can i say?

glad that at least i found a friend who agree with me... LOVE is a precious word... we will never use it unnecessary... hee...

~*LOVE is so different from LIKE*~

~*I m scare i m oli a substitute*~

.::I dunno why::.

~*i realise i m lying to myself all the while*~

~*so how?*~

haix... all along i tout tat i played or shd i say i bullied him for the sake of training him... but today, i seem to realise tat tat does not seem to be the truth... or shd i say we managed to change him but turn out we dun like the new him...

no one can deny the fact tat he is getting more and more hot tempered recently... iz true lor... go ahead and ask ard... i m not the oli one hu feel that way... iz commonly known even in his family... god knows wad happened sia... haix...

all i can say... version2 seems inachieveable... cox all of us are sick of his reaction and stupid attitude... he is just turning into sumone hu cant accept jokes... we dun like dis kind of ppl wif us...if we can accept dis kind of ppl into our group, den we can accept sum other ppl le lah...

for goodness sake... u r the one hu bind the 4 of us as terror 4... u were wif us... u were once part of terror 4... but u intro li into the group...u make ur own choice... u choose to be the demon... even if u didnt say sumting like tat...u gave others tat message: 'i dun mind being the demon for the terror 4'

and i can tell u... u failed to rise... u didnt rise on ur own after each attack... if we didnt gif in, will u risse? go n tink...

version2 seems so impossible now... to tink tat we actualli started out happily today, tinking how to celebrate ur bday... we were just wondering whether iz time to stop targeting u... but so how now?

version2 is unattainable oso becox of the fact tat u know tat u can never be able to bring good influences into the group...so why the hell in the world did u even go and think of version2? more and more frequent quarrels and arguement... maybe iz no longer ur gang... sumone just told mi he dunwan his *** near his gang... so wad can i say? iz no longer ur gang...

no one bother to go and tink abt wads wrong wif u animore... is ur tolerance level realli tat low? tat wasnt the case in the past... if u realli tink tat wif us, there is oli fear, den dun bother... bye bye are the oli 2 words i can gif u... we can live life well in a demonless world...

'why r u pissing off? i shd be the one!'... fancy asking mi why... u can get angry and say bad tings and walk away... since u haf the rites, why cant i haf mine? still tink stupid mi go and be nice to u... ask urself... was my tone bad rite from the start? i sounded nice i remember...i realli wanted to pass the tings back to u... so how the hell in the world would u feel if i scolded vulgarity to u when u were nice to mi?

yeh... maybe dis call for celebration... u did learn sumting from mi... throw away all ur belongings... but cum to tink abt it... hu r u? dis ting dun work for all... u r diff frm mi... ppl may cum aft mi if i do the same ting... even if dey dun, i will still turn back... but wad did u do?

u throw away everyting and u didnt realise tat it dun work for u... and u didnt realise tat whenever i do tat, i will either be asked to go back or i will go back on my own...

u cant put down ur pride... we r back to the same topic... can u put down ur pride? haix... frm wad i see, i realise tat i shd not comment again... haix... just accept it bah... u know wad i m trying to drive at... haix... is dis suppose to be sad?

know sumting? i suggested sending the same message to u to end the friendship... haix but the sad ting is... no one even care... i tried to be nice... i sounded nice at first... but how was i treated?

just like wad er say... sad lah!!! terror 4 is together... and u will oli be demon and nuting else.... accept all four or accept none... we stick together...

~*ya... mayb u tink we suck*~

~*but tink thru why we choose u and not sumone else?*~

~*take it or leave it*~

~*we dun like a demon wif attitude*~

.::My Choice::.

~*Good or bad*~

~*Change or not*~

~*Everything lies with me*~

~*It's my choice*~

To most, maybe your think that I am super duper bad girl or just some other stupid people with some other stupid character... Even my parents think that I am very bad... How can I get the idea into their mind that I know what I am doing and I can keep control of this kind of things? I can tell you.... Even if I smoke or drink or do some other stupid things, I will still be able to stop... As long as I am not addicted... And I know why I am doing certain things for, so I will not get addicted.

anyway... Believe me or not... It's also still your choice... I can tell you that I can be a super duper good girl who goes home right after school and don't even go out or talk on the phone... But I can tell you, u will not like me that way... Because when that time comes, u will have realize that you are so used to the old me that you find it weird facing the new me...

~*Change or not*~

~*good or bad*~

~*everything is still my choice*~

~*I will try*~

see koonhui, I changed.. But I can tell you it is short term only... I only wanted to prove to you that I can change

.::today::.

~*how is my life today?*~

~*lol... i dun realli know*~

ok... basicalli... today, wich is refering to 31st may 2005, was quite an ok day lah... lol... quite happy... lol... madagascar is a nice show... haha... but... i realli had a hard time tring to get the time to mit and hu to go out wif rite...

aniway, another happy ting is the fact tat my sis is going away to pulau ubin for camp tml!!! lol... i m super duper happy... haha... peace at home finally... cox i hardly quarrel wif my younger sis... shall pack my room and start studying tml...

lol... i kept tat book away to not let sumone see sumting inside... in the end i dun even know where the hell i left it... haha... sori li... lol.. no goodnite msg... haha... nvm... i shall go and try to find back the book...

sori er and ly, kept asking ur to go out... lol... but we realli haf to tok abt tings one day... how to 'CELEBRATE' koonhui bday!!! lol.. looking forward to tat day... go out and taunt... haha... cool...

sori kh, kip asking u out too... i realli wanted to go out badly sia.. lol... bbut i realli dunno where to go... haha... and hor... just accept the fact tat u will always be bullied... and thanks a million for today... hehe... wanted to mit but in the end say cannot... one day shd ask ur bro out and treat him nicely too... haha... u know wad i mean... and for goodness sake lah... stop asking mi to try and change my style of typing...lol... i wun change one lor... haha...buai song den dun read... haha... but i know u will still read one... but hu knows? maybe one day i will change? everyting is still my choice... haha...

hope tat west coast tingy faster cum... lol... i wan to go out and play... tml must study... so not going back nhss for dance... mayb the day after tml bah... tats 2nd june...

tats abt all... and now iz super duper late... haha... but i still cant slp... lol... i shd go play gunbound... fun sia...

~*That's All Folks*~