Maybe it is a curse

Maybe it is a curse. For I realise that relationship will take a turn for the worse when it comes to times like month-niversary, or anniversary. I mean, thats usually the case. All these years. Even those times when I am with QJD.

But then again, maybe it just so happened that it is always the time of the month. Or somewhere near that time, for me to get so irritable and just gets into a fit because of something.

Things seems to be falling into somewhat like a routine, with me part of it. Blended into it, in someone's words. So well blended in that I can go unnotice.

Was reading the first few posts that I had when I first had this blog. Maybe assurance is the thing that is needed here and not other's confidence. Or maybe, it just get tiring trying to assure someone anymore.

Days can be great, with happy work, happy achievements but at the end of the day, those that I achieve doesnt seems to thrill anyone but only me. And that is tiring day after day.

Days can also be great, with great weather, things going smoothly and at the end of the day, some wrong comment made in a slip of the mouth and thats it, everything blows up and things make a turn for the worse.

Nothing seems to go smoothly these days, even the best few days, small hidcups spoils things here and there. Or maybe, it just spoils my mood only, and not anyone else.

Sometimes, I start to wonder, is it because of hallucination or is it me with hearing problems that makes me miss out on things that were 'said'.

I realise I dont remember. Didnt remember enough. Compared to the past. I was asking myself in the shower. It is because of a different workload.

I know it is because of a different workload.

Other than not remembering as much, I guess one of the most important thing that didnt change is, life hardly revolves around my own self.

It is the same, I am going into other people's picture and their bubble of social circles. At the same time, yearning to bring them into mine. But how to even do that. When I am always the free-er one, and the important friends dont seem to be the kind of friend circle that people will understand.

Feel like crying now. Maybe when the blood starts flowing tomorrow or something, I will feel better.

Is it wrong to plan your time in accordance to someone elses, knowing that you are the free-er one and all that you ever want to do is to spend time with that person? So this makes me revolves my life around others and at the end of the day, realise that the one maybe dont need you afterall.

Or maybe it is all those silly comments about other people being better that matters but I am used to them. Or is it that the passion has die down so much that even the minimal that I am asking for couldnt be match and each day, hoping for those nitty-gritty things seems so ridiculous after so long.

Sometimes, when things are being voiced out and they are not being intensified, it just seems to mean that maybe it is not that important afterall. Sometimes even to say it out feels so bad, because it just seems so redundant on other's part that they didnt even realise that there is a need.

I used to be the world, not yet, or maybe not now anymore. One thing is for sure, it is difficult to feel that kind of joy when you know that things are nicely done when neither one takes part in what the other had achieved. Or maybe, the achievements are beyond my ability to comprehend anymore to realise how great they are.

A frog in a well will be the comment, and to learn more will be what is need to be done. How to plan my time when I cant forgo more time in other people's life, knowing that I am not having enough.

Or someone teach me how to make sure time spent are of good quality and not quantity wise?

Is there a inspector when it comes to how time is being spent?

Maybe I am not talking to God enough for him to tell me what to do. To get him to guide me into his heart maybe would not work after all. There might be a need for the other way round too. Let me get drunk. I didnt drink enough.