The Irreplaceable One

Do you believe that there is always this irreplaceable one in your life, with an attachment that is irreplaceable?

I was once told that, and I once believed in that. The inability to imagine life without someone might be the reason that made me believe in it then.

But over the days, I realised that this kind of bond or attachment might have the chance of being replaced.

I remembered those days when everything seems right and now, desperately trying to find out what is wrong and putting everything back into place, hoping that I will have enough time for all of that to happen.

I remembered how it felt to be afraid of someone, frightened by the fact that I am going out with that person. How the moment we meet up, the moment we start to talk, I am like giving all sorts of information, like 交待-ing. It was so pretty obvious to the one listening but not to me, only at the end of the whole conversation did I realise what I have been doing and it felt like a total embarrassment.

I remembered how I will make sure that I have something in my hand or I tucked my hand somewhere that couldn’t be reached. How I stand far on the other side of the lift on the way up. How I always hope that I will not meet any red light that I have to stop or any long red light.

But then some things are just meant to be. On a day that was so important to someone, I probably made it the worst day ever. Compared to whatever fear I felt with another person, the idea of living with someone else who I cannot comprehend was so much worse. It was once comfortable but when it is not, and I start to compare when we are not alone but with other people, I decided that this wasn’t what I want. Not the kind of event I will like to turn up in, not the kind of people that I can imagine myself hanging out with, not the kind of situation I will like to put myself into, not the kind of feeling that I wanted myself to be in. I don’t want to be with a group of people, older than me but not in thinking wise. It makes feel that I am moving back instead of forward.

There was no love then I suppose. The painful truth there and then was that. There might be once feelings of thrill and crush that teenagers have but not love, for either one, at that moment.

It might be just something for my lonely soul then. But things didn’t go well when things start to drain energy away. Maybe going back to something familiar then was the better alternative. Like the saying goes, it is always better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him.

Something just made me realised the fact that then, whatever choice I made was just the best of the two alternatives. And yes, with time, love can blossom. But by then, everything seems too late.