.::I realise::.

Feeling tired physically. maybe thats why now at this hour, i am feeling slightly down... -.-



Had a great day, going around and going east coast park. And i realise things at the end of the day..



Just had a talk with my mother and i realise how strong she was and how strong she is now to be able to go through so much. How she was able to put up with the bad temper, the big family, the drunk husband everyday, the tiring work life, the naughty kids till now, the worrying kids that she have.



But maybe i never inherit those from her to be the strong woman in someone else's life yet.



I realise all those needs a lot of effort and courage to get through. Maybe all that matters was courage...



I always believe that sucidal people are people who are plain idiots. They had the courage to jump off a building but not the courage to face their problems.... They are just a bunch of selfish people who threw whatever burden they have to friends and family members by simply leaving this world and getting free.



And i realise, the amount of strength and courage that she have to put into her past life, was so much so that it might justify for killing herself and yet she didnt. The amount of betrayal, the amount of beating and arguing sometimes make me wonder why are they even together. And that makes me determined to not let that happen in my own life.



The past few days, there were great msg from her...



How she tell me to appreciate fate and destiny for bringing 2 people together, how things are plan and to look on the bright side of things, and like what she told me just now, smiling at things might just make matters better in someways and end up with happy moments. I know, ultimately, she just doesnt hope her daughter took the path that she took and have to go through great pain to worry about things and yet live an unhappy life...



That msg almost make me tear, even now to think of it...



Can i be unhappy tonight?



And i wonder about another thing... At times, when the fact is right infront of you, why will someone choose to not accept it? I saw the typical thing today and i wonder if anyone understand how bad he felt.



I dont know how can someone stand that. it is extremely unbelieveable how bad people can get. how they can totally ignore the main objective of the day and still scold the one...



then i ask myself, does he not see that or choose to not see that. and i wonder how to help him if he never let himself realise all that or just simply choose to run away from all that?



Alright. and for today, i had a good day. a really great day except for some small hipups here and there. but generally, a well spent day. C=



Went to work and drove the guys to work.



TOTALLY LOVE THE CZC! that small, convertible, manual and only devil in singapore! It is so nice to drive that car. the handling and the gear and the power of the car! I LOVE THAT CAR. ok -.- it feels great to drive a car that can 'move' hahahahah



oh then after that dear drove the van out and we went to pick the guys back from work and then we went forlunch before settling stuff and went home to wash up.



We went on to collect food for the bbq and that stupid road construction at wan lee area. crap. darn crap. all the stupid contractors... poor management!



and then was to the bbq and my slipper broke. ALRIGHT i need to get a new pair next month le... -.- not now. this month jieyim had spent quite alot on shopping though i dont really remember what i bought. =p

And how did i spend the night without my slippers? i was deciding between whether i should let dear carry me or should i wear his slipper then he go without slipper for the night. =p haha. alright, that was a stupid joke. in the end, my dear went without his slippers and i know that hurts!

on the medical side, it will give u a chance to transfer all the negative ions to the ground and make urself healthier. =p



i did bought a pair of purple pants that i think look like a shirt but i kind of regreted on the colour. but seems like it is still ok. Wait till the stock from uniqlo are out and i will got get the tank tops. =D



I need more tank tops!



I got a dress as well, spent on things here and there and this remind me. it is about time to list out my wishing list... =p birthday coming! and my fragrance is finishing and it is killing me to see it go down so fast. maybe will get some help with buying cheaper fragrance soon...

tata~! got to go blog surf and read my book! oh crap. photos not up yet. and i look ugly in those photos!

lala~

Haha... So this is how u feel when u r blogging from a blackberry.

that is to love

Thank you for sending me and the naughty one to SPCA.

Thank you for picking me and my mother up.

Thank you for that great meal.

Feeling guilty. for the things that were said. knowing that those are things that i wish to put across but also knowing that he did alot.

I LOVE YOU!

.::A better day::.

Tonight was a good night. the time alone, was the best that i can ever ask for. The smile and laughter and stupid jokes, were things that lighten everything up and made me forget how to cry.

Thats love. Love was with me all the while. But sometimes other things were put before it and it never weigh as much.

Not making sense. but one thing here sounds right. I love him.

.::What happen when...::.

*EDITED*
What happen when things that you thought of are deemed as always wrong?
can you dont always think that way?

What happen when there isnt much or anything else to talk about?
admit it, you are just worried that you will say the wrong thing thats why you stop talking

What happen when things that upset you are just every little things in life or every little conversation made?
to laugh or smile it off is the best way out, because nothing commented matters anymore

What happen when you realise you are never there, never enough and yet you can never want the things that badly enough to show people that you are trying hard enough. so what is enough?
mama said the expectation is always there and i am expected to be there

What happen when you realise you are no longer the one who made the one laugh or be happy?
how to let people understand that i can never be the happy one alone

What happen when you know that you are realising more and more things that you have to change when the old you was someone who was so resistant to changing anything in your life?
i know all these will bring me further and longer on, but maybe it is all too much or maybe i just skip too much parts in my life that i only have myself to blame

What happen when you realise there is no longer anywhere else that you can vent or tell people what you are going through except to write them all down and maybe one day people will understand?
or maybe mama can do the job, but how to let her know all these when i know that nothing she say can help anymore.

What happen when you realise that you can no longer ask for more when you were told that you already have alot and should be contented?
what about asking for more. somethings are just so deep inside that i dont even know what i really want so how do i even ask for it. or maybe something to begin with, i need someone to just ask me about a scratch that i had.

What happen when you realise that you can no longer be that weak one who cry all the time?
staring into space and going through all the bad things help because as times goes by, nothing feel that bad anymore like now

What happen when you realise you are always deem as being negative?
i am negative to begin with. believe in horoscope and you will know that the negative cancer is super negative or maybe people will just think that it is me

What happen when you realise no one is talking to you online le?
you didnt talk to anyone to begin with

What happen when you realise that all these unhappiness will only bring more anger and yet you still choose to say them here?
hoping that one day what i get will not be frustration or anger in return

What happen when you know that all the while what others want is understanding and that is also what you want?
i know i dont know what i need someone to understand but i do know that the amount of things that others goes through is deem to be more worse off then what i went through[which i agree (in fact, people think that there is nothing in my life that is bad at the moment and therefore nothing needs to be taken into consideration for being understanding.) ] mine is really nothing but does being understanding means putting up with all frustration and irritation? or really it is only me to be blame?

What happen when a new day begins tomorrow?
nothing much will change or maybe i should hope for the days before the terms begin, and i will still be the one who will smile at things.

Nothing much matters anymore because when you realise people around you are jumping at you, you can only convince your own self that you have only yourself to blame. Things that you say are always wrong, things that you commented will send irritated looks flying your way from even OTHER people, you have only yourself to blame.

You are not there yet. Not up to expectation yet.

But one thing is for sure. I am like that because of LOVE

Personality test

My personality test: http://www.ipersonic.com/test.html

My Type: Dreamy Idealists

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

AT WORK
As a Dreamy Idealist you are one of the introverted personality types. Therefore you prefer a quiet work environment where you can intensively deal with your responsibilities and are not disturbed by too many people and repeated distractions. You need a lot of time to dwell on your thoughts, to put them into words, and let your ideas take shape.You are grateful for a certain measure of order and structure because they secure the time to achieve this so you can deal with one task after the other and not have to juggle a number of responsibilities at once - you don’t like that because it is important to you to deal with things thoroughly. Your capability to concentrate is unusually great and very often you become engrossed in something and forget everything around you - even to eat and drink.Nevertheless, because you are very adaptable, congenial and interested in harmony and cooperation, you enjoy working together with others. A neighborhood that requires the ability to assert yourself and where direct confrontations are the order of the day is not your optimal environment. In order to permit you to fully develop your ability you need an environment that is as stress free as possible. If you can’t get that you soon suffer, because you take critique and negative feedback very personally.

AT LOVE
Fantasies, dreams, and ideals, play an important role in your life. In your heart, you carry visions of a better world where the wolf plays with the lamb, and the creeks carry milk and honey. Naturally, this also applies to the subject of love. You are absolutely convinced that your perfect other half with whom you can merge into the perfect oneness, exists somewhere in this world. You are obviously aware that this extraordinary gift won’t just land in your lap, but you are willing to wait for a long time and sacrifice a lot, if necessary, to reach this vital goal. “Per aspera ad astra,” or “Through the night to the light,” is your motto. As all Idealists, you tend to raise your chosen partner up on a sky-high pedestal - especially at the beginning of a relationship. Essentially, you have excellent insight into human nature but when you are in love, you obviously throw all of that out the window. That can be the only explanation why you aren’t able to see even the smallest blemish on this person. “Idealizing” does not even begin to describe this process, „idolizing“ is probably closer to the truth. All the way up there on that pedestal, your partner is probably already getting dizzy and asking him/herself what he/she has done to deserve this unconditional adoration in the first place. But then, who would not like to see him-/herself mirrored as the perfect person in the eyes of a loving other? On the other hand, it is a real challenge to meet your ideal of love and romance in everyday life. Sooner or later, you are going to be disappointed to find out that you haven’t gotten a hold of an angel nor a superman, but just a normal person with all the inherent strengths and weaknesses. Now the question is, can you love your partner as he/she is and not as you would like for him/her to be?

The love of my life

Love picked me up and took me out. just like how he always do and how he did about 10 months ago.

letting me know that i deserve better and that he can show me the world.

but to me, the silly one, only to realise that he is there only after he picked me up.

and when i am down, shutting down all forms of connection with him, yet at the end of the day, i always know that he is there.

that is the reason why my world revolve around him. and why it is him and why he is the one.

i know he is there, and Love will be there.

and you know who you are. I LOVE YOU!

hmm. korea photos... coming coming. =D

how it feel to be abandoned

i think the feeling is right at this moment.

there are so many things that i have to learn, in fact everything that was with me for the past few years doesnt seem right. i have to relearn them.

and that includes learning how to not plan your time in according to one person and in the end realise that you are alone to spend the time that you planned.

the first time since a while ago.

take the chance to clear your mind and hope.

.small things in life.

to be able to convey something across nicely. and not end up with something bad.

avoid getting on people's nerves and avoid making people angry making me dont know what to talk about.

didnt acknowledge doesnt mean didnt notice or realise.

or maybe i am just so dumb but i did realise

.the trip for me.

okies... finally, i am back from Korea and it was a really cold trip. very very glad that i borrowed the purple jacket from aunty... if not, i think i will die there. haha..

and now, i was suppose to be sorting out the photos now but then again, i realise that the SD card is too high class and too high tech for my computer to read. so now i have difficulty even reading the photos. so i suppose i have to post the photos only some other time. but before that, it will be a draft of what we went through... :)

We departed from Singapore on the 22nd April but we were suppose to check in on the 21st April. and the worse thing that happened to me during the trip is me having my menses just after i checked in.. -.- sianed...

but anyway, we flew to Shanghai and reached Shanghai at about 5am. the next flight to Jeju is 5 hours away. and so we went to check in to one of the hotel near the airport and slept for 2 hours? haha. i think so.

and then we went on to the flight to jeju and upon touching down, we see our tour guide standing there waiting for us... Xiao Yan. haha. and we were brought to have our lunch. super hungry. -.-

we had some local korea food before crossing the street to go and view the YongDuam Rock... had a difficult time trying to differentiat which is the head and body of the so call dragon. at least for me. -.-

had a taste of how cold it can be and we climb around all the rock form from the vocalno eruption lava in slippers for me and dear. haha.

next was up the bus and to the Mysterioud Road of Jeju which really left us puzzle. it ming ming look up slope but water are all flowing down! so in the end, we decided to just go back and read up more about that road from the internet and stop trying to decide whether it is an optical illusion or what.

and next was to an undergroud shopping arcade in Jeju which there isnt anything much that we can really see

but after the shopping trip, we made use of the last few minutes that we have and ran into this gong dian near the shopping arcade, just the 3 girls and took photos. :D

next was to the hotel. something simple but comfortable. we went out to explore and walked around with the aunties who are in the tour group with us... and dint manage to get much. in the end, we went to this beer house run by a couple and had a drink and some bbq meat that dear dear loved. haha

the next day was some very nice breakfast that is actually buffet like but not international buffet. then was a sightseeing at the Sungsan Sunrise Peak, had an experience of how cold it can really get again and got a nice view of the place. went to get the Jeju chocolate as well. dear got some really nice keychains.

next was the Seop Jikoji where All In was shooting was done i think, if i dint get the names wrong. and then after some bbq lunch which i really had a difficult time eating, we went for the ATV ride and i wasnt really something amazing but a good try and it will be better if we had a try of the go-cart.

then was to the Jeju fold village and take alook at where da chang jin shooting was done. took photos and didnt really explore much but dear dear went to kiss the stone structure. :D will post up the photos. :D

and then was to Jusang JeolLi where we get to look at how amazing the work of nature can be... how smooth the side of the stones are and how the other different lines are formed.

then was to the amazing place that i alwats awanted to go! The Teddy Museum. i think i missed the pooh bear teddy but it is ok, all the other teddys are all so cute. including the one that i am hugging to sleep everynight. dear bought one bear for me. :D the price is crazy. -.- and we took photos with this really big big bear and then tried to look like we are in this old car with a crazy bear.

then was out for dinner and back to the hotel. we decide to not go out but in the end decide to went out for coffee. glad that we made the trip. we manage to get the korea dolls that my mama asked for and got seaweed and also magnets that dear want. oh, he got bear magnet from the teddy museum as well! :D and we got to a great shopping street.

next was to have donut and then to back to the hotel to have games of asshole dadi.

then was a transfer flight to busan. first we went to Donghwa Temple, which is freaking cold. really. no joke. then after all the photos. nothing much amazing, we went to Herbland and manage to take cute photos and bought the herb bags that aunty want and got one for my mama which i totally forget about untill now.

then we went on to the Spa valley and had a taste of what it is like to have the traditional body scrup and soaking naked. omg. but the scrup was nice. :D and we tried the doctor fish again. maybe to me it is really nothing. tried it in kl for 3 times?

then was check in to another hotel which was alright and we end up having games and sparkling juice till late hours.

then the next day was a long rideand we end up at the wine museum and their traditional craftworks museum. bought wine and next was to the maisan after lunch and had experience of how cold it really get. but we maaneg to get up and down without freezing to death.

dear had a race with bin bin and injured himself again.

after that, we went to Muju resort hotel. great hotel! it has a king size bed and a nice balcony which dear and i were lucky to get. but it was a rather warm night. went to explore around and got into this hello kitty shop and did some shopping. saw snow! really. just some small snow flakes and went to have a drink at the bar in the hotel. then was to the room for some games after i have help dear massage his leg. and to bed, feeling very very warm.

then the next day was to Everland. will talk more about that. Lappy dying. haha. :P