.::why like that? he SUCK!!!::.

~*i dont know if it is true*~
~*i let my instinct guide my way*~
~*i assume it is*~

ok...i know that was a wrong thing to do but i didnt do it alone... i did it with her...

things like that happened in the past before... maybe i was young then, i dont understand what is love, what is commitment and what is everything really about... but now, i think i do...

the same thing seems to have happen again... i have kept a secret for years... i didnt know how to tell her... that had never occurr to her... to her, he had only made the mistake three times... but to me, 4... including this, 5... it is alot...

i dont know why am i so disturb by this... we were looking through things and things just come to light late in the night... like around 2.30am, which is like just now? haix... i wonder how is she going to sleep tonight...

he once hinted... what will happen if i am with your friend? then we found 2 things that we should not have seen... 1-a 4D with the last 4 number of her phone number... 2-a piece of paper from both hers workplace, but surely was given by that third party...

all these are more than enough to convince me that he is with her... but i just cant believe it... how can things be like that? both are with families and attached...

yes...we suspected that another party was present all along... the whole family does... maybe i should not be writing this things here now... but i really cant help it...

my sis was so strongly against it... i talked her out of it... i get her to treat him with more respect... but still things are still like that...

tears no longer seems to be on her face... crying no longer seems to be an option for her... her only options now is to leave or stay... we are for leaving... but how will he handle it? what will he demand? i really dont know... and i dont wish to know... what will he do? i dont know...

he came home drunk today... should i be glad that this actually gave us a chance to check things out or blame him for giving us the chance... i rather be living in teh world filled with unknown so that i will never come to realise that the her in his life now is a close friend of the rightful and lawful her...

i feel like crying... it is not affecting me directly and i am already feelign so bad... how will she be able to sleep?

my instinct tells me that it is her... we got it right... but WHY ARE THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE NOW?

so lets assume that it is her... dont they even feel GUILTY?!

sometimes i hope that half of me should not be in this world... she should not have met him... she deserved someone better... someone much much better... she should not be suffering now because of him and for us...

i know i said i only hate one person in my whole life but i am starting to hate him too... he shall be the 2nd and maybe the her will be the 3rd...

this will be so tiring... hating someone is so difficult... difficult because i have to think for her... i dont want her to be sad... i can only put on an act...

like i say... it is normal to act in life... everyone is acting sometimes, somewhere, somehow...
he disturb everyone around him... i start to wonder whether every man on earth is like him... why cant guys LIKE HIM just be contented with what they have in life?!

~*can he get out of my life?*~
~*but i can i bear to see that happen?*~

.::JIEYIM rocks!!!::.

~*GP tml!!!*~

i am having my GENERAL PAPER tomorrow... hmm... can anyone tell me what i am doing here? haha... seriously i dont know lah...

i have not yet touched anything on GP... and i am tired of doing the chemistry study so i decide to stop and fold some paper crane...

hmmm...

and i tried to build up my bond with my tarot cards...

hint hint... my birthday next year i want tarot cards!!! save money!!! i owe alot of people money... oopx... sori...

haha...

last year i hint and i say i want big big huggy bear or some soft toy... sobs... but i got nothing this year... haha... hinting AGAIN huh... lol

haha

ok lah... admit it... i still have mood swings... but controlling myself le lah... haha... at least i dont think that much le lor... like... look at the brighter side of life...

haha.. congrats to ME!!! what am i doing? crapping...

haha

PROMOS!!! what if i fail? what if i fail my Project Work? what if i retain? hmmm... i dont know!!! chiong ah!!! study hard...

haha... isolate myself...

hmm...

haha...sianx...

and for one thing... thank you chuyun ==also know as dallan== for the chocolate!!! i am shocked when you gave it to me... haha... but thank a million... hmm... u rocks... muack... haha...

next...

hmm...
i shall stop teasing dallan and chuyun... haha... i try... the cresent girls started everything... haha...

chuyun or also known as dallan might be reading this now...

haha

ok...sunday... dance was fun lah... haha... but i realised my ji ben gong sucks like hell...

folding cloth and cloth during packing up... after that went t dozen of placs trying to find place to sit down and eat...

thank you people... in the end went to KFC... i had 2 KFC that day la... go home my mama had some chicken wings... practically had chicken and chicken and more chicken that day...

anyway... i shall stop here and maybe go study... my sis going use com...

haha

~*what is so funny?*~
~*i know!!!*~
~*JIE YIM ROCKS!!!*~
~* C= *~

.::hmm...what is life?::.

~*what is life?*~

hmm...haha.. life just seems better recently... i dont know why lah... mood swing.. but this time it swung me to a greater mood... i am feeling better... haha...

why like that huh? i dont know leh... the only thing i know is... things are just piling up!!!! promos coming!!!

continue jia you people!!!

~*JIE YIM YOU ROCK YOUR OWN WORLD!*~

haha... thick skin... haha... whatever la... i am like that... haha...

~*I ROCK!*~

.::mood swing::.

~*i promised i wouldnt be sad because of you*~
~*but i realised i cant*~
~*i know you wouldnt be reading this*~

maybe just like what someone said... why is it you? i dont know... i feel like an idiot when you started talking to me again... because you make me feel like one... i cant control my emotion...

then i did promised i wouldnt be sad but then i realise sometimes i just fail to do that when i know what is really in your heart...

i think it is impossible but i dont know how to tell you... you are just so keen on getting things back to the way they used to be... but the other party somehow just give me the idea that it is impossible... so i can only see you continue doing things to try to get things back...

will you be hurt again... i dont know... but what can i do? i can only help...

why things are not going my way... why i cant tell the people involved what exactly is going on...

how to tell her the truth? i have been hiding it for years... how will she feel? will she be sad? i dont want her to be sad... she cant be sad... she is the best... why even let me have a chance to know these kind of things? i dont even want to know at all... i dont know how to handle...

mood swing... someone please teach me how to curb... simply smiling would not help... no... it wouldnt help at all... cause i find no reason to smile... i only know how to cry... and even when i cry... i dont even know why...

sometimes it is good to avoid touching on sensitive topic that may make me sad but it would not help much because i will still think of them when i am alone...

school time... who know what i am actually doing or thinking? seems like i am only trying to be happy... acting to be happy...

i dont feel like contacting you... i dont know why... maybe you dont even care... maybe i just dont want to be sad... but i seriously find no link... but yet i still dont know why... i know i always left you not knowing how to answer me... sorry...

i want a happy family... i want a happy blog... but that will never seem to happen... i never blog when i am happy... all my entries are just so darn depressing... i dont know why...

i know people outthere are already tired of telling me to cheer up and trying to find out why... to them i am just a kid throwing some tantrum... i know all that... sorry people... but dont care so much ah... because it is pointless to care so much... care so much for what?

~*cant he be someone who is better?*~
~*i know he is better than some other cases that i have come across*~
~*but cant he just be sensible?*~
~*sensible and not make her suffer?*~
~*i know she is great but i am not doing things the right way to repay her*~
~*who is indebt to who?*~
~*i dont know...*~
~*maybe he should just leave our lives*~

.::changed me::.

~*what is going on?*~

nothing seems right... again... why cant i just control my mood?

mood swing... why? i dont know... is it because that exams are coming and i am getting more and more busy? is it because i am stuck in trying to end dance? is it because i am having the same problem again? wishing that i never know them...

them... whoever your think they are... cause there are just too many 'them's in my life...coming into my life and leaving as and when they like...just like no one's business... i dont like that feeling...ya... i overlooked those who are always with me... ya... i just dont know how to treasure them...

ever since after holidays... i am super slack... i am not doing anything right... everyone knows that... i am not doing my work like the way i did before the holiday... i am just having those stupid mood swing that i just cant control....

my brain is doing what my heart want...but what can i do?

i am not eating the proper meals... that is bad... i know that... like dozens of people telling me that... but... i just find no appetite how? i dont even know why... life is like super complicated at this moment...

when am i always hit with such a time? such a time at this crucial period?

PW... promos... and every other things pressing down... i am starting to not know which to handle first... i want the lecturers to stop teaching... stop throwing new things at me... i can no longer juggle well...

i just hope to stop school and start revision...i swear i will but do i have a choice?

although i act as though i dont care but deep down i do... why are things already like that when they are being thrown to me? should i be happy? at least thingsare somehow going my way? but then i come to realise that that day will never come...

i start to hate them... hate them for giving me hope and then crashing evrythin down on me... i am not someone who is not sensitive...i am super sensitive...

i hate night time...i hate having to spend tim alone and decide what to do... i hate making decision... can someone out there change me back to what i used to be? someone with lesser masks and someone with a more cheerful character... this is just so wrong... i am starting to doubt whether this is what i want of myself...i am starting to boubt whether i will be happier which way...

i have a whole lot of things to write... to say... but i have no where to do it... no one appropriate to talk to...i am used to bing the listener... you talk i listen...

people called and talk to me... i have no idea how to handle... i feel like a failure...a goner...
i tried to pull them out of their slumps... in the end i got myself in... not knowing how to pull myself out... i think the way to get out is just like what i told them... wait and let time tell the answer...

i trust my tarots, my palm, my eyelids, my horoscope too much... i trust them to tell me what i will expect next...whether it is good or bad... although things are not always accurate... but most of the time they are... and now should i continue to trust them?

~*someone out there please change me*~
~*change me back to the one whom i use to know*~
~*the one typing things here is no longer jieyim*~
~*should i cry?*~

.::to someone::.

~*to a friend*~
~*something i realised and learnt*~

i never believe in friends forever... people around me... especially people from my current class were so shocked when they heard that because i think i am the first among their friends who dare to say that...

i didnt really know the consequences... but i know people may start doubting whether i am true to them...

at times i thought... maybe time will change my thinking because it may be possible for you to keep contact with a friend until you die... but as i was waiting for that day to come to prove my belief wrong, i realised something... the weak bond between people...

i ended alot of friendships ever since the day i know what is going on around me... people come into my life and leave me... i dont know whether i should be sad that they leave or should i be happy that they taught me something...

i saw many couples ending their relationship... even the love between them is that weak to keep things going on forever... yes... that may not be the case for all couple... but how many percentage of married couples had only one love in their entire life?

there is nothing that bond people together except that urge to find companion and the need for interactions to add colour to our life... the possible bond could be family ties, friendship, love, brotherhood, etc.

but how many of the above last except family ties? even family ties can come to an end sometimes...

people, usually friends, are suppose to enter and exit your life... that is what friends are meant to be... if you have the same one old friend for your entire life, wouldnt it be the same as you living your life alone? because there is no changes at all when you faced that only friend of yours... you know what the other party is thinking after being together for long...

it is normal to have friends leaving you... they wouldnt stay forever... but that doesnt mean you should lock yourself up and protect yourself from all the possible heartache when a friend leave you...

running away is not the best way to know how to face it... only when you faced it, you will know how to handle it...

as i am typing all these, i dont even know whether i will still be alive tomorrow... life it like that... why fear about the future when you know noting about it? why dont you just accept the present and stay happy... even if your friends were to leave you one day you have no regret... at least your were happy once... at least your played a part in each others life...

who should we blame for the weak bond between people? how long is long enough to stabilise a friendship? who can set a regulation to that? who can tell you that 1 year is too short a time to have a stable friendship? even if we were only friends for just 3 days, what matters most is still what we went through together... so that apply to 1 year... (not to say we went through much to gether... not so much but enough for be to not bear to let go)

maybe you are just thinking that now is a better time to let go than the future because you are not that sad now... you can still control... how are you suppose to handle when you end your friendship like 1 year down the road? but this friendship started because of wo people... why are you deciding for your friend to put an end to things? why in the end you are the one deciding the fate of the friendship?

i dont know who to blame for the weak bond betwen people... but for all i know... i treasure what i have now... because i know there are no friends forever... because i know that someday somehow your will leave me... so why bother about the future when i know nothing about the future? and why trouble myself with things in the future when i have no say over the future?

will you give me and us the chance to treasure our friendship? i dont know what i can do but i want the usual us back... knowing that at least i tried to keep my friends with me will let me know that at least i am not bond to my belief... at least i tried... we all may not have the time... but before we have the time, please dont put an end to things so fast on your side...

please think things through because i treasure the friendship... i hope the few of your can accompany me down the jorney of my life for a longer time instead of just 1 year...
somethings cannot be forgotten just like that...

.::hello... i m ALIVE::.

~*why do things come at the same time?*~

not alot... but enough to make me feel lost... i want back the other three... can i not make a choice between the three?

i want to help but all the things just make me feel lost... i dont know how to help... how to help others when u cant even help yourself?

i dun undstd why things are liddat... how to help when i dun undstd?

ytd i thought i can blog happily again.. but i m crying here again...

i feel stupid... can i choose to be selfish again to not care about anything?

can someone replace me with somemachines that can produce excellent academic result? a machine whose job is to produce result... caus i think that is what she want...

cry myself to death... one thing and everything just fill me in... like everything is just linked up but part of me know that it is not...

~*change me...*~

.::no choice::.

~*sorry i brought your together*~

~*but i didnt utter a single thing*~

~*i just want back the usual us*~

i so long never blog le...but i still dont know what to blog... sorry... i know my blog is getting quieter and quieter...

went out today... sorry liying... sorry to everyone who are there... i got your together but in the end i didnt say anything...

i really thought i can change everything but i realised i cant until everyone was there... i just want everyone of us to be back to normal...i know that day will never come again...

i am just so wrong about what is going on...mood swing and depression and everything... different time of time, i got different feeling and different mood... sorry to people around me...i am making life difficult for your...

i realise it is at time good to go back and have some fun... some how i feel that things are better now that election and everything is back to normal...

i am working hard at work so sorry to those whom i didnt check your blog... guilty...

thank you to those who brought me laughter... your were great... especially juniors ah... thanks fo those small little things that make me feel wanted and important =p ... and thanks to those little actions or little things that make me laugh... haha...

life is dull without NHDS...

erm... saw the sec1 batch... erm... what should i say? your all those seniors know lah... know what to do... haha... ifeel evil... but it is for thier own good...

mugging... i m turning into a mug!!! bei zi...haha... common joke of my class.. but i am not the bei zi of my class...

anyway...met up with the supposingly TERROR 4...and realise that TERROR 4 will never be the same again...

it can only be the 3 of us... be it on either side...

just hope everyone stay happy...

will try to update frequently...

~*i know things can never be the same again*~

~*i have no choice*~