.::JieYim is SAD::.

I dint know she can affect me this much. i never expect myself to miss her so much, to think of her so much.

this all feels very weird, very wrong. i need company. if only she dint go away. if only those days dont end. if only nothing bad happen at that point of time.

there is no point asking who is right and who is wrong, because she is gone.

here goes.

i visited her on a Thursday with my sister, with my very very drunk daddy. on the way home, i 'scolded' my dad for skipping his job and going to visit ah ma everyday. i told him, 'i see her, i think she is ok and trust me, in less than one week, no one will come and visit her le'.

that sound harsh then. but i still said that.

the next day, i come home and my dad told me, 'really no one go and see her today'

i went to see her again on a Saturday. was happily telling her that the others are playing mahjong somewhere. she kept saying she want to cook and want to cook dinner for one of my uncle and herself.

then monday or tuesday, i heard she having fever le.

Thurday afternoon, a shock came. she is not ok le. i remember sitting there staring into space, not knowing what to do.

when i asked for permission to leave, tears well up without me knowing why.

it all feel so wrong, to have someone leaving me.

then i went to the hospital. ya, she really is not ok.

we were still joking around and then from morning 11am to 10pm, she struggled and then she is gone after meeting everyone that she want to meet.

i believe she felt indebt to her thats why she was the one that she was waiting for.

i dint see that moment when her heartbeat rate drop, i sent the ah yi po down.

anyway, i came back with people crying and alot of people walking out.

i stood there. watching and waiting. and we got to see her for the last moment.

i went down to get an aunt with my cousin and that look on my aunt face. shock? pale? no one knows how to react ba.

and thats the night end.

one of the days, someone came and i think alot of us were surprised and shocked. someone who used to take care of her came. she kneel down and she is in tears, so much that none of us can handle.

the next few days, all the rushing around and all my cabbing around and everything, everything became different on Tuesday night.

it just daunt on me and made me realise that my grandma realli realli realli passed away. the fooling aroudn the past few days is over, she is really gone.

all the walks, all the praying, i really dont know what to say, how to react. i dont even know how to cry.

she is gone.