.::selfish me huh?::.

~*why?*~

i am having a hard time to concentrate on my studies now...i am tempted to go back... i really am...but i know i cant... i told myself i cant...

i want to know what is going on in NHDS... i want to know how everyone is doing there... i want to know all the latest things... i want to know that everyone is ok...

i want to know all those...but just somehow recently i got selfish...

i want to have better grades for MYSELF so i choose to cut off ties with NHDS... temporary...
i have this another selfish thought... ever since i stop going back for ALL the practice during the june holidays... or even sometime before that... i sensed drifting... i kind of feel like someone extra trying to dig out some info that people actually dont realli wish to tell me...

things like who and who stead... things like what is actually really going on underneathe... what they are thinking and stuff... i am never updated... i am updated but not by them personally sometimes... i just have this feeling... dont know why... i hate that feeling...

i know i am selfish to have that thought...

how to just get in touch with them when i dont even go back? i just skip a few lesson during the june holidays and i feel lost when i am with them... cause i dont know what is really going on... no one seems willing to tell me until i really begged... selfish i am

another selfish thought... why must it always be me helping them... when will they turn around and help me? how many people out there that i am trying to help actually come and read my blog? if they really treasure me... they will try ways and means to know what is going on to me... they approached daryl... if daryl cant answer them, they should have come to my blog... and they will know everything... dont tell me they dont know my blog... even someone from cresent know my blog... if they dont, then i really dont know how to react

i am selfish now... i have a dozen of reasons to keep me from going back...

i want to spend more time on my studies... i dont want to be retained...

i dont want to go back and face all those politics... i am tired

i dont want to face the risk of being stabbed... i m scare

i dont want to hear anymore accusation from other batches... i am sick of that... although i appear like i dont care at all

i dont want to go back and hear all those things that other seniors are talking about... what they are saying just make me feel that dance is getting more and more complicated...

i dont want to go back and see people changing from who they are now to someone whom i dont even know... someone had changed... i sensed that change... i no longer respect that person like before le...

i dont want to go back and help the kids... how to help them when they are not helping themselves... i dont have time for that

i dont want to help them cause it is always one-way... i am tired and being selfish here...

i dont want to go back and be used by them again... tell my name to a teacher without letting me know before hand... what is this? come to me only when you need me... it is darn obvious what those few are really thinking... i just dont want to spell everything out...

but now i really dont care consequences le... let me be selfish cause i am really tired...

i feel like an idiot... i hate that feeling of going after people for updates when they dont seem willing to tell me... so am i suppose to do that? how to continue when everything is just one-way

it has being so long... they have grow... is it my fault that i choose not to go back during the june holidays... the drift is caused by me... but is it really just my fault? there are just things that they choose to keep to themselves... they choose to not tell me... not i choose not to listen in the first place...

how many people out there really know what i am thinking? so few... i want to be happy... but i cant...

maybe it should just be a senior-junior relationship between me and everyone since the start...

there will be someone out there cursing this stupid girl again and someone out there telling me that what i feel is not the truth... but that is just what i sensed and what i feel... i choose to believe my heart...

kill me... i am so so so tired of everything...

maybe these 2 months i will get use to life without NHDS and never go back after that... who knows what will happen after these 2 months right? everything in life is unexpected... just like i didnt expect this bond to make me cry so many times in these few years...

i am numbed by everything...should i be even more selfish and not even care about them at all?
i feel guilty... sorry koonhui... i didnt mean to flare up today... i didnt mean to cut the line... i am just so not in the good mood today...

i feel guilty that i have such a good friend like koonhui but i am not always there for him... the old me even sort of quarrelled with him because of them... i am such a GREAT friend too...

maybe everything should just end that day when i graduated...

please dont expect me to be always be there for your when your are not there for me most of the time... or should i say NEVER?got some exception... i dont really remember... there is about 20 of you there and just one me here... how to be there for most of you all the time?

we are in different phrase of life... different commitment...your are not the only ones in MY LIFE...

i dont want to be the mother again... i hate being one... i am so tired and scare... cause i dont know what may happen in the future... and i hate putting on a mask when i am facing some of them...i am tired!!!

i dont want anymore responsibilities... i am stressed

i haVE dozens of reasons to stop me from going back... so i would not go back...

my dog is cuter than them... at least things are simpler and much more beautiful...

~*maybe it is all crap to some of you*~
~*maybe your dont even care*~
~*maybe i am just a passer by*~
~*maybe your are just passer by*~