.::my life::.

~*i led a few happy days*~
~*those happy days excluded PW time*~
~*but now, i am sad again*~

everything seems to have come to an end... no more good night messages that i can send...maybe it is just about time to end things.. anyway, that is just what he want... he said that a lot of times...always the nice way but i never accept that... in the end i am the one sad...hmm...maybe it is just not worth it...

haix...but who cares, i expected this day to come anyway... still holding onto hopes at first but later then i realise everything is just nothing...

i was swing back to reality when i know i am just nothing...

then i came to remember those words...it is better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him... sometimes these things are just hard to settle on...cause the one you love may not be the one who love you...

all those stupid C= and youu... maybe it is time to dump everything off...but just as what i had always said, it is always easier said than done...

it is real nice if my world is filled with little babies... babies that cant talk yet...they are just so cute and easy to hang out with.. there is never a need to hide yourself and be fake in front of them...cause they are true to you as you are true to them...

i never intend to turn this into a depressing blog...i never intend to...but what are just those small things that can make me happy? youu know... i bet... but that will never be the case... so it is time to turn to other things to make me happy...babies... C=

i wanna leave town... to any where... anywhere that can let me not think of things that are unhappy...

are youu reading this? i was shocked when i know youu read my blog... but i will be even more shocked if youu are still reading it now... cause i thought youu no longer care...

i always have that feeling... it is harsh and bad to say that out...but i somehow think that i dont really care... we are just making use of each other... dont youu agree?

haix...life is like that... i am evil... hear my evil laughter? i never turn everything to the extreme end even if i hate that person to the core... cause it is pointless... who knows when i will need his or her help again?

but it is different here... youu will never understand...

can i leave town yet?

~*hmm...if youu are reading this entry*~
~*as i had said, i would be shocked*~
~*but youu know who youu are*~
~* C= *~

.::happy me?::.

~*it is easier to not care about anything*~
~*but someday everything will just come crushing down again*~

ok...i am promoted... i should be happy about that... yeah...but it mean nothing to me...it only meant more work next year... have to control le...

haix... why am i always feeling so sad? i am tired of finding reasons to why i am sad le... it is somehow always the same few things... the same old stupid useless issues... only if your know what i am talking about...

i hate people coming into my life and leaving my life... that is the reason why i do not have close friends now bah...no extremely close ones like those that i had when i was in secondary one...

those that you always hang out with and never with others... but... now no more...

even watching a drama series coming to an end... i also few kind of sad... will kind of miss those characters...although i know right from the start it is only A SHOW... but still... haix... useless me
someone once told me that...when you miss those characters in a drama series after watching it...it means you are in love... in love with someone...that is why you put in so much effort into appreciating the drama... so does that mean that i have someone in my heart now?

it is a sad thing to admit... but yes... sadly...yes... it is never a happy thing to fall in love... cause i never get what i want... and i am used to it... and i shall be happy with what i have... C=

the smile means something to me... i dont know why... C=

i will try to be happy... i looked happy when i am with you guys... i supposed so... but i hate times like this... sad and alone... hmm... i am waiting for some replies or something...but i never get any...

things are no longer the same... when your are bored...your can sms me... i will reply if i am free... C=

like i say...no matter what youu do... there is always a reason... so far most of them are like that... what can i say? i cant do anything... that is your choice... not mine... i can only take it or leave it...

i used my tarot cards.. i trust them...but it is always the same thing...all the bad things are accurate but never the good ones... they are always not accurate... or maybe i am just waiting for the day that these good things to happen to come... a long wait...

i believe in dreamcatcher... i hardly have bad dreams... it somehow make m happy to realise that dreamcatcher keeps my bad dreams away... maybe by making one and giving it, will make one happy...

~*the earth is rotating*~
~*but it never seems to be for me*~
~*how i wish that things were the way they are weeks ago*~
~*since the earth is not rotating for me...*~
~*it will never stop for me*~
~*so be it*~
~*i accept it*~

[please believe me... i tried to be happy... i am happy most of the time.... but that feeling is just not good when everything just come down together...be happy is my goal for life.... so i tried to be happy...]
~*i will be happy for tomorrow after this entry*~

.::tired::.

~*haix...i am tired*~
~*hanging out with family friends just seems better*~

i just feel that you come to me only when you need my help most of the times.... i am so so tired of that... so please stop... i dont need that...

you never care...or should i say you did but not enough? haix... stop all these... i am sick and tired of them and did i say before i hate this kind of people? but how to bring myself to hate everyone, including you?

sometimes maybe i should be happy that i am getting calls or messages from you but what for? most of the time you needed my help...

maybe i should not have thought too much right from the start.. hmm... things will then be happier that way... anyway... i am trying to look from another point and look at the brighter side... i am trying.,.. i really am... and i think i can say that i am feeling better...

hanging out with family friends seems better... so straight forward to each other... never have to hide any thing... just say everything... cool... hee... C=

a C= smile is... hmm... i should not say...

~*maybe you think i am not talking about you*~
~*but actually i am*~
~*you know what you had done*~

.::sorry is all that i can say::.

~*sorry*~
~*thats all i can say*~
~*somehow it just seems like the same mistake*~
~*someone out there*~
~*kill me please*~

i am so tired of everything... so sorry about everything... i dont know what she is thinking or what he is thinking... sorry is all i know now...

but somehow no one just seems to care... no matter how many apologies i give, i know it will change nothing...

why must this have to happen? maybe i should have just stayed at home and study and be a good girl...

the same old mistake... i did something wrong... i conveyed the message without thinking about consequences...

i am tired of crying... i cried the whole night... something just triggers off everything... and i cried the whole night...

what is this? someone tell me how to solve this problem? i created a mess out of everything...

i dont know how to face them all... how? i didnt mean it... i didnt think... i am starting to feel stupid... i am very stupid right from the start... there is just so many things that i feel but i cant say it out...

so many that i am tired of keeping them inside me...

so many that i dont know who to turn to cause i dont think they will believe me...

i waited but there was no reply... no reply... no one bother to reply or no one knows what to reply...

someone please settle this...

i shall not be the one in between anymore... i am scared... very scare... scare that i will make a blunder out of everything and make things worse...

he is always there for you... so much that he had done for you... for one sentence, you overlook all the past that your had together... it is unfair to him...

everyone knows how tiring it is to wait for someone... there will be times that you may just say that you want to give up but i know that things are not that easy... it is only something that comes out from your mouth and not your heart...

it is just something from his mouth and not from his heart...

i am feeling very guilty... how am i suppose to sit for my exams when i realised i do not even have the basic common sense?

seems like everything just started out with me...

i am starting to feel so stupid... what have i done to deserve all these?

i kept saying sorry but i know they dont help... but what else can i say?

sorry... there are just so many things that i know one word is not enough to do any help... sorry...

maybe it is time to reconsider my use on this planet Earth... before i contribute to further depletion of the resources... maybe it is time i do some contribution... to be part of the fertiliser for the earth...

when will that day come? i dont know... maybe it will come fast cause i cant find any meaning in me, such a useless person's use on Earth...

forgiveness maybe something nice and happy but i know it is something hard to achieve...

things are not the end between your two... i sort of contributed the start... i will not allow me to be the one who lead an end to it...

this thing is not destinated to end yet... not yet... not now... not when i caused everything.. not when everything is because of something that i said...

i am tired... i hope i can choose not to help buti realise that the trouble is because of me... i have no choice but to continue....

both of your deserve to be happy... please be happy... your know how to make each other happy... just whether you choose to do things that way or not...

~*forgive me*~
~*dont let things end this way*~

.::peace please::.

~*indecisive*~
~*me too*~

the same things are just happening again... the way things are repeating... to me, i felt just like

a friend that you turn to when you need company... never the one always there... can i be the one

always there?

sometimes i am thinking... maybe i should be contented with what i have now... but the more i get.

the more i yearn for... the more i hope for, the greater the disappointment... why am i like that or

all people and human on earth are like that...

quote what my mother said... the chinese character for the word ren is so easy to write... just two

strokes... but in real life, how hard it is to be one...

the world is just so full of mystic...

things are always going in circles... even love...

things are coming to an end soon... very soon i hope...

he is leaving my life soon... if things dont get resolved... leaving will be the only way out...

please leave peacefully and give me peace... not trouble...

as for the other one, the more he give, the more i hope for and as i said, the greater the

disappointment...

i am getting sick and tired of everything... everything that is happening...

maybe one day if they dont leave me, i shall leave them and leave the world... that will be the most

extreme case...

i hope that is only something that i said when i am depressed... hope i wouldnt do anthing...

i give up on telling people around me to stop smoking for good le...

since young... that has always been revolving around me... he is always smoking... whenever i tell

him to stop, his answer will always be a NO...

i came to realise that people who smoke actually know that it is not good for them... but they still

choose to do the same thing... so to stop or not to sop will never be determine by me...s o to stop

smoking or not will never be my business unless i smoke...

i am never the best daughter that he ever has... she is always the best... even though she is no

longer calling him 'dad' when he come home... even though she is always throwing temper at him for

his unreasonable acts...

i am always the one who greets him when he come home... even though no one else in the house is

already doing the same thing... i am always the one who try to put up with his unreasonable acts and

try to curb my temper before him... but whatever i do, he never understand... he never appreciate...

the three of us... why cant he just wake up? no one bothers about him anymore... they claimed that

they will never provide for him in future... but still i am trying to do my best to persuade them to

take care of him when he is old... i will take care of him when he is old... but what i get? i am

still not the best daughter he ever has...

not like i die must be the best... but can he at least treat me better or treat the family better

and stop letting his warm face stick to that cold butt of my sister...

he never trust me... once... my cousin claimed that she saw me at JP... when i was still a secondary

one nerdy kid... i never step my foot into JP without my relatives before at that time... but he

just believe what he heard and dont trust me...

he is always saying the same nasty things whenever he see me going out... he want me to behave

myself outside...

dont go out and luan gao... dont let me see you with some guys outside... hello... that is what he

always say... never will it be 'watch out for cars when you cross the road'

to him, i am just one of those potentially flirty girls that he meet outside... someday i may end up

home, PREGNANT... that is what he think... cause girls that he met are all like that...

he never know what a kid want... he never know what HIS kids want...

we never want him home DRUNK... home all BLODDY after a fight with someone... or home with some

trouble or problem with ANOTHER girl...

but that is just what he is always bringing home...

he used to bring home supper or bring me out to shop for groceries...

never... it has been ages since he brought home supper... he never shop for groceries with us

anymore...

what i want is just a simple dad who, the minimum, can provide for the family... his bad temper is

never the problem... i dont mind having a father who whack me up when i do something wrong...

but can he at least pay some respect for me?! i am not like those girls that he meet outside...

she is getting tired... me too... when all my friends are enjoying their childhood... when all my

friends are getting amazed by what their mother getting pregnent really means, i am crying away with

my mother over him having another girl outside...

sometimes i am just thinking...what have i done to deserve all these?

i got a father who never really dotes on his daughter
i got a father who never really care for the family
i got a father who never really trust me
i got a father who never really knows how to treasure what he has

all these are just so bad... so bad that i dont know how to handle except for him leaving my life...

ya... she may be lonely for the rest of her lfe... but i rather her be lonely then having someone

who will make her sad for the rest of her life...

the only thing i can do now is to support her in whatever she do...

she had cried a lot... although i once thought that tears is no longer an option...

sometimes i just hate this home... i dont know how to face him... dont know what more nasty things

he will say or nasty things that he will do...

stop scaring the dog!!!

since i was young, i know that this marriage will never last... cause there is no reason for it to

last...

since i was young, i know that i had a foolish father who will never be faithful... cause there is

no way he will be faithful...

i know i cant hate him... should not hate him... but things are getting out of hand... i can no

longer control...

~*leave my life*~
~*dont give me hope*~
~*give me the real things*~
~*or just simply peace*~

~*why am i feeling down again?*
~*is it because of the same thing?*~
~*i suppose it is*~
~*why?*~
~*i dont know how to pen them down here*~

hmm...things were quite alright i suppose... but i have some idea why i am here adding sorrows to my blog again... but i just dont know how to put them all in word...

they had a quarrel... i was not at home then... but it was shocking to let all things come to light... saddening...

why do i feel like i am being used by him? just felt that there is a purpose or motive behind everything he do... can someone tell him to stop that or do something else that wont gave me the wrong imprsseion? things are just coming and going the way they want... not the way i want...

maybe she should leave her... she said that she is tired... so many years... so many times... so many forgiving and so many quarrels... so much that even we are getting tired...

maybe i should have encourage her to get things over and done with... i dont need someone like him... someone who bears no responsibility in any way...

since when am i waiting again? i am forever waiting for the same old things... ok... so what if i am waiting... one of the sole purpose in life the moment you are born is to wait for death to arrive...

i had a weird dream... a dream that seems more like a drama... a drama that i am glad will never happen... because for me, dream are just the opposite of reality...

how i wish i can dream of me waiting for the same old things tonight... to get me the opposite...

anyone can be reading this entry now... anyone under the sun... if you get what i mean ten you get it... if you dont, then you dont...

can they leave, how i wish they never came into my life... but if they dont, where will i be? i am brought back to the same old situation that happen before... the same feeling, the same problem... the problem that never seems to be able to have a solution except for time to wash away everything... peace in my heart seems impossible...

maybe when i am alone... peace is attainable... maybe when i am alone, i am able to give myself hope telling myself that things are ok... but the greater the hope, the greater the fall.. i never had peace in trying to give myself hope...

for once i thought that things will be ok.. but i am wrong to think that way because things are never ok... when will they be ok? when they leave? when they learn? when they realise that everything good is just right before them? when will that day come? i dont know...

maybe no one ever have peace in their heart before... there is always something there... something that make you sad... some sad memories... what are the things that really matters? who knows? how you define peace? who knows?

when will they learn? i dont know... i bet even they also have no idea...

i am approaching the stagnent frame... something that leave me with no choice but to let time wash away the sorrows...

i once said that they were alike.. ok... i said for more than once... but will they ever remember? ok i said it to only one of them... they never realise they are alike because they always fail to see the true them that we see...
*if you remember me saying you are like someone else that i know... then maybe you are the ones that i am talking about here... any doubt can come and ask me... but again... i have the choice to say or not say...*

but i doubt they will be reading my blog...

ok... i bet i am getting everyone confused... for this entry and the previous one, any doubt can come and ask me...althoug i said before dont approach me regarding my entries... this is exception... i think most likely i will tell your what is going on... because i just think that everything is just so complicated... hmmm... or should i say i am making things complicated...

~*please leave my life*~
~*before everything becomes stagnent*~
~*leaving me with no choice but for time to wash away everything*~
~*me?him?her?us?i?you?he?she?we?mine?they?his?her's?their?
~*nothing matters*~
~*peace*~