.::disappointment?::.

~*so do you define that as disappointment?*~
~*i think so*~
~*but i am just numb to all of it*~

ok.. for how long? excluding those years that i just have no idea what i was doing when i was young, i bet it is just about 10 years le.. hmmm

for all the while, i can only remember her being pampered by my father... and no matter how much i do, he will always the pearl in his hand.. he got her present and everything.. ya.. thats what she is getting when she is young..

then now? she just dont give a damn to what he is doing, not greeting him or dont appear willing to talk to him.. so that is what he get in return for doting on her all these years..

and no matter what i do, when the whole family is not giving him a damn, i am.. and that just dont register into his mind, maybe until recently..

why i feel like tearing again? it is not worth it..

ok.. say the bad things about me.. i used to take her things to use without asking, i used to not spend enough time at home to help her with her work, i used to shout at her and all those stupid things that elder sisters always do to theirs silblings.. but that is all in the past, but i think those are just more than enoughto let her vent her anger on me as and when she like..

never in her mind that she thnk she is wrong.. never.. maybe that is why 三毛 the writer said that '家中的老儿都是问题儿童' ok...

hmm.. thats quite bad of me to say.. but i am not the only feeling that way.. my youngest sister, she too felt that way

when she bring her friends home, either we do not disturb them or welcome them.. so it is either positive or neutral actions.. but when we bring our friends home, all we get are mostly negative actions.. and remarks.. sometimes neutral though, but never positive..

so who am i suppose to blame? myself? cause i didnt spend enough time with her in the past?

my friends used to comment that my sister is rude and what i did? i argued back.. i sided her.. that never come to her.. to her, she is the most important one...

she used to blame me.. blame me for being committed to dance and things like that, not spending enough time home. and the good thing that happened recently is that she is now sec 4 and she is leaving her cca and now she know how that committment felt like.. and the reasons why i was so committed then...

ok.. then what else? recently, i took up the advice and start to treat her nicely.. i treat both of them nicely.. other than at times when i am not in the best of my mood.. but that is rare.. anyway.. i tried to treat her nice, but occasionally i just get random shoutings from her.. like just now.. nevermind, no point repeating...

then now what, sending me those stares.. ok.. that is just so whatever... asshole...

to her, it is always me not wanting to help.. ya true.. sometimes i just dont feel like helping.. and yet she just thinks that, it is not i cant help her.. just i dont want to help her with her work ALL the time.. ok.. thats great right?

she never think she is wrong...

only treating me nice when she needs a favour... i hate that.. from who ever.. that is one of the thing that i hate the most.. ya.. but she is doing that.. so great.. ok.. whatever...

then what now? bear with it or kill her? no choice right?

treat her nice and she will realise sometime? i am tired of it.. all the while i have been doing it.. but i simply have no choice...

whatever..

random ranting...

heavy head.. why? cause my temperature is high.. ok.. not high... just 37.0 now.. hmm.. but thats away from my 36.5 normal temperature..

so because of HER, no game for me tonight cause her ass hole just would not open to tell me what time she needs the computer until...

`sorry.. vulgar, but that seems to be the only way to vent my anger.. when was the last time you see 'assholes' on my entries?

~*smiles*~
~*i will still SMILE to HER*~
~*haix*~
`yaps.. feel like tearing.. seems like that is all that i can ever do? never have the ability to solve problems.. only know how to cry
`hmm.. ok.. trying to control.. i held back my tears today.. C;