The days ahead and the days that past

当爱情旧了，当他已成为你的世界，他的存在已成为一种习惯。是好的习惯，但是当习惯成自然，那就不好了。
太自然的以为他会永远都在而忘了去守护，太自然的认为不会有失去的一天，太自然的想要要求更多。
爱情让人贪心， 说出来相信吗？肯去承认吗？
虽然有时他所做得未必是如你所愿而感到有些懊恼，但是必须知道又是争吵是要走更长的路。
当你站在你的世界上，随着他旋转时，慢慢的就遗忘了他其实一直在周围，默默地为你做许多事。
去握紧你的世界。

Dont really make sense but this year end is really different for me! Pack with activities and learning a whole lot of new things. And for now, I didnt bring my notes up from the car, because I was planning to wrap Christmas gift. Yet only to realise that I dont have my gifts with me after I finish showering. -.-

I am hungry! I am craving for Fish n Co! I want their Fish and Chips! With cheese!

this is just another of that moment...

...that hurts

Suddenly

Suddenly I miss my dear a lot a lot. How I wish I am by his side now. :(

I spent my last weekend and the first 3 days of the week with dear. 24 hours straight. :( miss him so much now. Shall sleep and see him tomorrow!

My Past One Week

Ok, another confession to make. I officially ended my probhation in driving on the 18th November 2009 with FIVE incident. I broke the rear windscreen of the trajet on the monday early morning.

So sad. I forgot that I cant park the car there....

but anyway, manage to change it. And for the past weeks, I have been dining alone most of the time. It feels kind of great but weird. Great because I can go off as and when I like but weird, because it is just so weird to be alone.

I realise how much trouble it is to be even eating alone. When I have absolutely no idea of where to go and have my dinner to satisfy my craving. And I have this bad phobia in going into carparks. ARGH.

but nonetheless, i survived the week without The Boyfriend and he is coming back soon! Flying in another 15 hours?

Boyfriend went for the Global Student Entreprenuer Awards competition in Kansas City in USA. And he got THIRD globally and The Edge Award. Shall find out what is that when he is back.

Of course, he came back with lots and lots of gifts. :p

Alrights. Time to orhorh. SO that the time that he comes back comes faster.

Staying in office

Can I stay in the office? So that even if I were to wake up at 8.30am in the morning, I will not be late for work.

How to wake up early. I always wake up but end up snoozing my alarm clock, telling myself that I can sleep a little bit more.

And end result, I am late.

Maybe it is a curse

Maybe it is a curse. For I realise that relationship will take a turn for the worse when it comes to times like month-niversary, or anniversary. I mean, thats usually the case. All these years. Even those times when I am with QJD.

But then again, maybe it just so happened that it is always the time of the month. Or somewhere near that time, for me to get so irritable and just gets into a fit because of something.

Things seems to be falling into somewhat like a routine, with me part of it. Blended into it, in someone's words. So well blended in that I can go unnotice.

Was reading the first few posts that I had when I first had this blog. Maybe assurance is the thing that is needed here and not other's confidence. Or maybe, it just get tiring trying to assure someone anymore.

Days can be great, with happy work, happy achievements but at the end of the day, those that I achieve doesnt seems to thrill anyone but only me. And that is tiring day after day.

Days can also be great, with great weather, things going smoothly and at the end of the day, some wrong comment made in a slip of the mouth and thats it, everything blows up and things make a turn for the worse.

Nothing seems to go smoothly these days, even the best few days, small hidcups spoils things here and there. Or maybe, it just spoils my mood only, and not anyone else.

Sometimes, I start to wonder, is it because of hallucination or is it me with hearing problems that makes me miss out on things that were 'said'.

I realise I dont remember. Didnt remember enough. Compared to the past. I was asking myself in the shower. It is because of a different workload.

I know it is because of a different workload.

Other than not remembering as much, I guess one of the most important thing that didnt change is, life hardly revolves around my own self.

It is the same, I am going into other people's picture and their bubble of social circles. At the same time, yearning to bring them into mine. But how to even do that. When I am always the free-er one, and the important friends dont seem to be the kind of friend circle that people will understand.

Feel like crying now. Maybe when the blood starts flowing tomorrow or something, I will feel better.

Is it wrong to plan your time in accordance to someone elses, knowing that you are the free-er one and all that you ever want to do is to spend time with that person? So this makes me revolves my life around others and at the end of the day, realise that the one maybe dont need you afterall.

Or maybe it is all those silly comments about other people being better that matters but I am used to them. Or is it that the passion has die down so much that even the minimal that I am asking for couldnt be match and each day, hoping for those nitty-gritty things seems so ridiculous after so long.

Sometimes, when things are being voiced out and they are not being intensified, it just seems to mean that maybe it is not that important afterall. Sometimes even to say it out feels so bad, because it just seems so redundant on other's part that they didnt even realise that there is a need.

I used to be the world, not yet, or maybe not now anymore. One thing is for sure, it is difficult to feel that kind of joy when you know that things are nicely done when neither one takes part in what the other had achieved. Or maybe, the achievements are beyond my ability to comprehend anymore to realise how great they are.

A frog in a well will be the comment, and to learn more will be what is need to be done. How to plan my time when I cant forgo more time in other people's life, knowing that I am not having enough.

Or someone teach me how to make sure time spent are of good quality and not quantity wise?

Is there a inspector when it comes to how time is being spent?

Maybe I am not talking to God enough for him to tell me what to do. To get him to guide me into his heart maybe would not work after all. There might be a need for the other way round too. Let me get drunk. I didnt drink enough.

A Great Day!

Maybe other than the part that I have to wake up very early tomorrow. Not very early, but the normal timing -.-

I am still feeling very tired. Yawn. Shall go watch video! had a great day!

Too Pro Active or Not Pro Active Enough

Where is everything? Colours.

Tired

Tired. I want to fall back to my books. Reading at other people's life without having to comment.

I should stop buying books. I think a Kindle make more sense. But seems like it also doesnt make sense as according to Lawrence.

Shall see how. it just seems like a new toy, a good toy to have.

I dont want to talk to people. I want to sleep and not wake up. But still I want someone to talk to me. I feel like drinking once again.

Shall sleep and dream of Ice Cream. I want Long John, before I cant eat again after Tuesday.

All of a sudden

Suddenly, I feel so lonely. After a not-so-lonely Friday night.

Had dinner with Yat, Khairi and his real girlfriend yesterday at Lot 1. Long john again, on a Friday night.

After that was shopping around. Saw things that I like but I couldnt bring myself to buy for myself. Counting the amount that I am left with now, how to afford Christmas Present? Got something for my sisters already though. Something useful and cheap. Cute too!

I have this crazy urge to shop, to sleep and to finish reading the book, Mao's Last Dancer. His life is so colourful! So much dance, so much pain and so much decision to make. So much determination that he have, something that I will never have.

It makes me love Ballet, makes me want to get back to dancing, for more ballet. Shall drop by PA the weekend when Lawrence isnt in Singpapore.

There are places, many places that I want to go. Finding the ____________ to go. Not time, dont know what is missing. Feel like meeting friends but I dont want to lose out in something from his life, though it would not make a big different. I dont know how to plan my time for more myself in it.

Im purely PMS-ing. It is totally true, and I totally acknowledge that and I know I just needed attention that I dont think that I deserve, yet at the same time, dying to let it be heard, yet not knowing how. Messing everything up will be the end result.

I want Mc Pancake without waking up early. I want to sleep in. I want replies fast. I want to go Keppel Bay. I want to eat Red Date Pudding. I want to eat Mac. I want to eat more Long John. I want to go Marina Barrage. I want to go Tampines One, though there is nothing to shop there. I wanna go shopping, though I know that in the end, I cant bring myself to buy anything. I want more Winnie the Pooh. I want the Kindle reader so that I can read Ebooks on that thing but it is a freaking 4oo sing at least? I want to have a big big puzzle to put together but I dont know where I can put it together. I want to settle the braces fast. I am in no appetite for food. I think after Tuesday, it will be even worse. I want to treat myself better with more tonic, but I dont know what to get. I want to watch Coco Before Chanel. I want to buy toys for Baby and Carrot, so that Carrot wouldnt bite her legs at times when she get bores with what she have. I want to eat cheesy things. I wanna eat soft cheesy things. I want cheese! I want to read more books but I think I should just save for the Kindle. It makes more sense, easier to store. I wanna play mahjong. I want people to talk to me. Someone, other than work. I hate silence. That is the truth.

We know why the music is being turned up in the car, because the silence seems unbearable. I thought seeing each other everyday is the problem, but not seeing makes things worse. Because I no longer knows what is happening.

Sometimes, I am tired of all the assumption made.

Senario 1:
A: I am always scolding C for wasting those papers
B: Do you think he will even care?
A: I will just keep scolding him again the next time I see him do that. It doesnt help when I am here saving paper and him wasting paper.
B: (Agitated) So does it means you are not going to save paper also?!
A: I dint mean it that way!

How weird can that be. I dont think A ever has the intention to waste paper just like how C does just because C is doing it. I thought A just wanted credit for saving paper!

I just feel very lonely out of a sudden. I think I should sleep. I am sleepy in the day but I cant sleep at night. I need someone to talk to me.

joker

Oh ya, did i mentioned that there was this joke of the day yesterday from a joker? totally. it teased the whole company!

The worst day in my life then

Alright, this post came a bit late. The worst day wasnt today. In fact, today is a good day!

I am typing this post now, only after confessing to the Boyfriend what happened yesterday.

Yes, Jie Yim here had a minor accident again. For the 4th time in the year. to be exact, her first year

Ok, the first time was in Bukit Batok MSCP, i scratched the bumper of the blue van, after it is out for less than 24 hours. Congrats, thats the first, I forgot what was the car plate then.

The second one was when I wasnt paying enough attention careless when I was turning out from office, in the same blue van, but with another car plate then. I overturn and it went on the kerb and i turn it down. Thats it, it tear the tyre and had to be changed. Wasted a hundred plus, close to 2 hundred out from the Boyfriend pocket. *poking finger*

The third time was just sometime ago, I over estimate my abilities. I tried to drove out from an awkward position when I was picking the van back from servicing. Argh! There is a lorry parked in front of me, with a bit of its front covering part of my headlight, and me stuck between 2 lorries. I thought it will be easy, and when I thought I am out, thats it, i did it again, I scratch the back, on the driver side. a long big one, but luckily, when I got back, i realise that it can be removed. So it isnt my paint that came off.

And yesterday! the initial plan was to get someone to send me there, knowing that it is crazy to park in the area that i am going to. But then, something happened, a flat tyre and no one can drive me there. So i tell myself, i can drive there, just look in the street directory for carparks before I go. So i did. And after going in circles, and not being able to find a lot in the open air carpark where it is alot easier to park, i decide to just park in the last choice, knowing that it is actually quite a squeezy place.

So I took the big big car, the Hyundai Trajet into the carpark of that old old hotel. Going in was easy, the slope going down seems difficult, but I went through that in a breeze. When i tour around B1 trying to get a lot, there was no trouble at all too. It is easy to drive through B1. And to my dismay, i realise there isnt any lot in B1. Thinking that maybe i have to waste the money spend on entering the carpark, my eyes lit when I realise the existance of a B2! so down I go, and when i was trying to even make my way to the slope to get down, i had to reverse twice to get properly onto the slope. I manage to do that in the end, manage to get down and parked the big car between 2 walls, which is also the only lot available. Was so proud of myself then man! But that lot is so cramp that even when I let my passenger side mirror go close to the wall, I still have trouble getting down. But still i manage to.

And after everything is done, I went back to the car. Telling myself to not trouble my own self to squeese through the door, I will board from the rear passenger seat and maneuver myself to the front seat by crawling to the front. The trajet is big enough for me to do that.

And then, I tell myself, now, be careful, going up is a lot more difficult since the slope to go up is running parallel to the slope coming down. (Seperate slope but same orientation, side by side).

So without fastening my seat belt, i went off. And just as i guess, after a small bend, i reach the slope. The bend cant even 'fit' my car la. it cant even allow me to leave my car in a position where it is perpendicular to the slope. Ok, it isnt that bad. but it is bad enough. Because, the moment i exited from that bend, i know i cant make it onto the slop without making any adjustment or reversing. So i took extra caution to reverse and be right that nothing hit. Since i scratch my back once, thats the area to look out for. But then, at that conjunction after reversing and moving forward for a set of 3 times, I was more concern in getting the front bumper save. And by letting go of the brake, the car doesnt move forward, i got no choice but to step on the accelarator. ARGH. thats it again. I heard that deadly sound. turning to the side mirror, shit, knew it. And i carefully reverse and after another 2 or 3 times of adjusting, i managed to go up scarred

i dont understand how cars can come into that car park and go out safely. Maybe small cars like a old toyota corolla, old old hondas or old old nissan can get in and out safely. But definitely not a trajet. Ok, the driver's skill play a part too. I think if it is the Boyfriend driving, then it will be a different story le. And not to mention driving a Jaguar in, Not even a Baby Jaguar... i dont think it can come out well. Shall warn the boyfriend never to drive a jag in.

The place was so bad that there is this point of time, where i turn at the time when i usually turn in MSCP, the side mirror on my driver side can almost hit the wall la. So so bad. and even with the side mirror almost hitting the wall, i know my front bumper is still not safe to go up.

Hais. thats about it. so much ranting. but nothing can be done anymore. it is a deep scratch. paint came off and the letter on it, abit too. haix. but the length is so much shorter than the 'scratches' that the blue van had before.

So that is the 4 faithful incident in the first year of my driving. And my probhation is still not up yet! I think it is to 18 november or soemthing. Shall go check that checklist that i got from the tester when i passed my driving exam.

what a great day yesterday -.-

Busy day

That is a brief outline of what my days has been like.

People out there must be wondering what are we busy with... We are busy with a lot a lot of things. Heh Heh Heh.

It is good. Feel so accomplished today, and for the fact that I manage to churn out the reports before I leave office just about 2 hours ago, that is a very big acheivement. At least now I know, nothing much else is due, other than those that I purposely choose to sit on.

Had something unpleasant happened today though. In fact 2 unpleasant issue. One shall not be shared as there isnt a need to. Another one in the morning. I heard an irritating expression from someone. What an irritating tone!

Being good and right and because of service issue, I didnt choose to reply. Politically correct that will most probably mean. But one thing is noted. The tone is different when it comes to them asking for a favour from you and when they are paying you to get something done. EXCUSE ME! Silly.

Thats about it. Names shall not be mentioned. Not like anyone know anyway, but most probably it is clear enough. Alright, shall not go around bitching much about work as that isnt right.

Haha. Enjoying Life! Enjoying Work with Great Colleague! Enjoying Love! Though darling is flying to USA soon! All the bestest though!

Silence

Sometimes silence seems to be the best thing.

You never know when the next statement will be mis-interpreted.

Clearing the mis-interpretation is more troublesome than to even not make the statement in the first place.

So be silent, silent is gold.

How a person can turn out to be like him

Back from Malaysia yesterday night. Had a good time over there though it was a rather tiring trip towards the end of it when it comes to the actual thing. Had a long drive back which gave me the chance to sleep.

Anyway, when I am back at home at night, like usual, blog surf around as what I always do and I got to that blog again. And reading her blog, I decide to go facebook.

Hmm and just as what I expected, someone new is in his life again. On his birthday, she was still wishing him happy birthday, tagging on his blog and in about 16 days, someone else tag on her facebook some happenings that she had with him.

This just means that he got himself a new girlfriend in so little days.

I wonder, doesnt all these means anything to him? He always manage to get a new girlfriend in less than 3 months after his last relationship ends and the intervals just get shorter and shorter.

First it was after me and that took him 3 months and he got a new one. After with her for almost a year, God knows when they broke up, and now with someone new. All these dont make sense. What is love to him.

Sometimes I wonder, is it because of me leaving him so suddenly that make him turn out like that. But I dont think I have the ability to affect him that much.

I remember what other people around him said at that time.
"If you think any one else will be interested in her, go ahead and let her be. Someone with achievement will never be interested in her, will not even want her."

So in the end, he was proven wrong. I remember calling him in December, when I realise I dont know who else to turn to. But I cannot imagine him being different.

He never have the ability to keep girls around him though he have the ability to attract them. He hurts them, just like how he hurt me. Maybe I am not even in the position to comment about what he did for I did something similar before.

How he says to never keep your hopes high, because the higher the hopes, the greater the disappointment.
How he always say that promises are made because they are meant to be broken.
How he always like to say what he want, what he want but he never manage to get them out.
How he always have to wake up early in the morning though he isnt really getting anything out of it.

But one thing about him is different now. Or maybe because that is a new relationship, thats why he is doing what he is doing.

He gave the new girl a pressie for her birthday, and I do know where he got that idea from. That was what I did for him then.
He can be a nice person, a nice friend, a nice boyfriend at times.

I guess I dint really affected him that much, because i dont think i have the ability to do that. How much effort he put in then, how tiring it could be to keep the relationship going then, I can still remember. I guess he needed a younger girl all the while. I am too strong for him then. But then again, that doesnt give any reasons for him to get into relationship one after another.

Just some random ramblings, hoping that things will be better for the ones hurting now. Those dont go away so easily.

A happy deepavali

Did i get that spelling right? oh well... not that i really care. i think i only cared that it gave me a holiday...

anyway, went dragonfly last night. i am firm about something. I LOVE TO DRINK. i love to get drunk. and to be able to keep yourself in control is IMPORTANT! i like that though. i concluded that you need to drink alot to get high to be able to dance mroe happily. haha. so i shall drink more the next time. hehe. :p

hmm. anyway, i drank afew glasses of blacklabel with coke. and 2 glasses of vodka lime. crazy. i think it was the vodka that made me high. -.-

and woke up at 11 this morning, went over to dear's house and went for the malay wedding. then went to his house, wanted to watch Pride and Prejudice but i think that show, you need to be really interested to be able to sit thru it. it is slow and dry and nice. :)

anyway, was feeling asleep and went to The Linear to view an apartment. not the best that you can get around. maybe it is the weather that made me not like that place. or just that i am sleepy and also not to mention that the blood is flowing and making me all uncomfortable. -.-

went back to office, took something, and asked something, and got a reply that made me feel stupid. -.- ya, maybe it is just ME that people always dont feel like talking to. but seriously, i dont even know the head and the tail and i assumed that she knew and saw the invoice already. and it just makes me feel that she dint want to entertain me, like dont undstd wad i am talking about. or rather, dont feel like bothering herself to understand what i am talking about. -.- irritating when you know that you cant offend her.

anyway, went to pass someone something and i asked where we are going and i got a reply that make me so stupid again. of course i know you need to go queensway but how do i know that if you have other plans? or i shouldnt even ask. or should i assume? or maybe i am really dumb to not see something so OBVIOUS.

and then was dinner and the stupid mosquito thing. YOU DO GET IMMUNED TO MOSQUITO BITES. not all people though.



"Some people become so desensitized that they become "immune" to the itchy bites"

thats what the webbie said and my bio teacher told me.

Apparently, when you introduce yourself to a new environment, and obviously, a new breed or group of mosquitoes, you get mosquito bites. over the days and weeks, you realise that you dont feel the itch and the swell anymore. just like when we shifted in to new office or new home, days or rather weeks later, the bites doesnt affect you anymore. simply because you are more tolerant to the saliva left behind by that group of mosquitoes.

i know the point is not about getting immune or not, but how irritating mosquito can get when they fly around.

but the thing is, i may not study alot, but there are things that i know i know. not some gossips that you hear on the streets. i do have knowledge of some kind.

like how fat molecules in your body breaks up into more when they get too fat. they split like cells and making you get fatter easier, because there is more fats molecule in your body to take in the fats. argh. thats difficult to put into words.

sometimes, it is not about me doing it and asking for it even before someone has a chance to do it or show it. sometimes, after waiting for a long time, the thing still dont happen. so about asking for kisses. it works for a few days? and thats all? and now. i just want someone to hold my hands and walk down the street or shopping centre. i dont even know how to place my hands. let them swing there? put in my pocket? fold my arms? but i will think. what if it is not he dont want to hold but just that i never let him have the chance to? so at the end of the day, my hand still hang there weirdly, with me not knowing what to do to them.

me not taking enough initiative or too much.

movies time!

Missing

Alrights, I just finished a whole story book. A really nice one and now going to bed. But I'm missing him. :( how I wish he was here next to me now. Argh! I can see him in another 7 hours! :) that makes me happier. Hehe.

NEW LAYOUT!

Love this new layout totally... cant believe i actually manage to find it... haha

was sharing with dear about the story of honey, bee and queen bee... haha... i feel so clever suddenly...

but i see the need to faster get to bed... my throat is kicking up a big fuss after 2 nights of crazy things.

Love... Can be so beautiful...

Let things stay this way, if not, better. C=

.::I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE!::.

I AM SO TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM >>>>

OKIES, I SHALL NOT POSE HIS FACE.

HAHA. I LOVE LAWRENCEKIM!

that is RANDOM. i know. -.-

i wanna go medi and pedi.... :(

and he is going back army soon :( and and and... i dont want!

*CRYING AND SCREAMING AND KICKING AROUND*

:(

blogging in class

blogging in class, after lunch.
Thats all the strength that i am left with ba, i didnt get the dose yesterday, and i doubt i will get it today.
It is just another 16days to go.
it can make my heart race for an hour more and makes me want more. The silence is killing me. Knowing that it might make a turn for the worse any other moment. And of course, i will want to stick to u.