.::the leaving is only temporary::.

~*what should i type?*~
~*i don't know*~

okies... it has been quite sometime since i last blog... so here i shall blog before people start spamming and asking me to update...

anyway... recent life was cool with my clas... i finally feel some bond with them and school is doing fine... going to study well... al atleast above D... can promote i happy le...

anyway... not that i totally give up on NHDS or something... just that there are always different piorities in different phase of life for different people... and for me, currently, studies is much much mre important...

and no offence to all... i am also sick of hearing what is going on in NHDS... i miss the people there but... why make things so hard to all... to me, things there are no longer simply dance and making friends... somehow, i realise that you can't survive there if you are not sensitive to fakers... cause you never know whether that person smilling at you now may actually have a mask on his or her face...

anyway... it is really no offence... and i don't really care about the things...

for all i know... dance will move on... dance will continue to rock people's world... so be it... don't come and ask me whether something hit me or something that cause me to think this way or something... just enlightened... thats all

okies... so i should be mugging now... erm... but what am i doing here? oopx... =x... hahaha... anyway... i want HARRY POTTER... the Ebook can read le... but... greedy me don't feel right with the e book... guess i have to wait for my friends to lend me when they finish it...

i should get along with mugging... 2 months to promos!!! what am i doing here???

~*falling in and knowing i will get out soon*~
~*and hope it is real soon*~
~*it feels good to have an empty heart*~

.::post bday>>mei po day::.

~*i had fun today*~
~*at least today was better than yesterday*~

it is really nice when you feel nothing on your shoulders... no responsibility and everything... life just go on... it is true that things will seem better if you just take a step back and look at things from another point of view...

suddenly i just realised that people around me who used to seem mature is actually not that mature... erm... i shall not name...

and i also realise that people whom i think will never heed advices given to them actually do heed advices...

erm... nice... the world just seems to be getting nicer and happier and a better place to live in... erm... haha...

maybe i changed... over the night? what is this? haha...

i feel kind of bad... cause i just told mr low that i don't wish to take part in 6th august the performance... i just say... 'erm...mr low, i don't wish to take part 6th august the performance...' i cant believe ijust say like that... feel kind of bad although i think he will understand... he knows everything... he is the best teacher in the world... and i think alot of peole will agree to this...

today had fun being mei po... with kailing... but today is another time wheereby i get to experience those bad feeling... the bad feeling refers to having to smile although i am not feelng ok... cause today had headache... so when it was our turn... i was forcing myself to smile... until on the way back to PA... i took a quick nap then things got better... c=

i am wondering whether NDP should be the last for this year? i really don't know... but definitely i will go for the workshop on 4th september...

~*thanks for everything*~
~*to everyone*~

.::not the best but not the worst::.

~*Happy birthday to me*~
~*thanks ACTIVE hOTLINEs*~

after what happened on the 22 july... i feel very depressed... bad mood and stuff continued till 23 july...

when i was on 985 to PA... i suddenly have the urge to just let go of everything... i don't want anymore responsibility on my shoulder le... i am just so sick and tired of taking charge... why take charge when i am so bothered by how others look and feel?

maybe i will be happier without having any responsibility...

when i reach PA... i was not in the best of mood... until i reach padang... things got abit better... called the 2 active hotlines... one of them came over...

haha... these bad 2 days... all thanks to the 2 active hotlines arh... hee...

when i was waiting at gate 5 for our turn to perform... i finally know how bad it feels... i am not happy and yet i have to smile as though nothing is wrong... the performance went on... it is not the bes... i keep doing the wrong things.. .maybe i was not paying full attention...

i think it is good that he didn't come today... if not i will be even more pissed...

then when i was on my way back to PA from padang... i started crying after my mother hang up the phone... i doubt anyone saw...

i feel darn bad... the whole family have to wait for me... wait for me to cut cake... rush home after that...

had a lot of surprise from people... as in friends... i didn't expect them to remember my birthday... thanks to ken junying and serena... thanks alot...

feeling better now... jus abit sad... this is definitely one of the worst birthday... but nonetheless, i am glad that i still have friends with me...

finally... great thanks to the ACTIVE HOTLINEs again... SzePheng and JinWei... thanks for listening and all the HAPPY BIRTHDAYs

~*It is true that when you do not think that much you feel happier*~
~*I only realised that when my birthday is officially over*~
~*Thanks for everything*~

.::Happy birthday to me... don't cry girl::.

~*i never really know*~
~*why cant you understand?*~
~*i thought you understood*~
~*until you said those words again*~

my father asked me why people give me shirt... i say tomorrow my birthday... then he say... so tomorrow what time come home? i say 11plus... then he said something that makes me feel that he think i am staying out late purposely... then i said i will behome at around 11 plus for the second time and he said... 'don't forget what you promised me'... i thought he wouldnot say those words again... but he did...

am i suppose to feelsad or angry or something else?... it has been 3 years since i last celebrate my birthday with my family... and these three years i only got one cake... or should i say for the past few years... i only have one cake... i choose to not have cake and have pizza instead in the past... but recent years, i yearn for cake but i no longer seems to have time for it... i remember how i spent my last few birthdays...

2003, SYF is on the 24 july... so on 23 july i amsuppose to sleep early... i slept at around 8 or 9... there goes my birthday...

2004, Cultural Potpourri is on the 24 july and i am also suppose to rest early on the 23 july... so there goes my birthday too...

this year... tomorrow is NDP... i will be out at noon and only reach home at around 11plus... i want to spend it with my family... but... will it be the same next year?

i dont know why am i suddenly so sad again... i know my friends are with me... i know... i am suppose to try to be happy and smile more often...

maybe it is really time for me to let go of everything... but i cant...

haix... let it be... look on the bright side... i have fireworks for my birthday tomorrow?!

haha...whatever... it is not funny at all... if it is... i would not be sad now...

~*i thought he understand*~
~*but he don't...*~
~*if he does, he would not say those words AGAIN*~

.::NHDS and NDP::.

~*why did i realised all this when it is somehow so late le*~
~*but i know there is still things that i can do*~

she is not that bad afterall... she may not be the best, but she is still better than the others...

i give up on playing the game... that is game for kids... go and think... what is your ultimate aim? why bother to go through so much to get things done your way when you will not get what you ultimately want... everything bottom down to what you are thinking inside... yes... inside your heart...

just let things be the way it should be... no one have time for all these child's play...

less than 3 months to my promos... WORK HARD!!!

I want to watch RAPTURE... why can't i go? since i am in it le den be committed bah... i want to go out with my class...

went to 88th dinner!!! happy... haha... i sit up stairs leh... happy... Alumni seems so fun... haha... i tink i will join if i haf the time... haha...

met up with sze pheng and jinwei on tue... keep on telling me to study,,, i will,... haha... go and mug now...

.::NDP and NHDS::.

~*why did i realised all this when it is somehow so late le*~
~*but i know there is still things that i can do*~

she is not that bad afterall... she may not be the best, but she is still better than the others...

i give up on playing the game... that is game for kids... go and think... what is your ultimate aim? why bother to go through so much to get things done your way when you will not get what you ultimately want... everything bottom down to what you are thinking inside... yes... inside your heart...

just let things be the way it should be... no one have time for all these child's play...

less than 3 months to my promos... WORK HARD!!!

I want to watch RAPTURE... why can't i go? since i am in it le den be committed bah... i want to go out with my class...

went to 88th dinner!!! happy... haha... i sit up stairs leh... happy... Alumni seems so fun... haha... i tink i will join if i haf the time... haha...

met up with sze pheng and jinwei on tue... keep on telling me to study,,, i will,... haha... go and mug now...

.::be with someone who love you more than you love him::.

~*be with someone who love you more than you love him*~
~*you will be happier that way*~

get that into everyone's mind...haha... and i understand that... i am just scare that it will be unfair to the one who love me... cause i am not loving him enough... haha... that is just what i am thinking just now when i was bathing... and i came up with this clever thought... clever me huh... lol... whatever

back to today... NDP overall not very well... cause we changed the formation for the front part, before the wave part... so for the first few minutes, the chinese and the indians are not on the stage... okies... i can oli say everything was very luan...

next week dont know got who wedding... we need to perform also... sounds slack...haha... sounds fun... but i amhaving problem with my face sia... BREAK OUTS... sobs... all those make up and late nights and stuff... sad sia... help... haha...

okies... i came up with the clever conclusion when i was bathing because i was thinking about someone... haha... someone whom i dont even know his name and dont even know his particular... only know that he was kind of grapping attention... haha... saying his number out loud and doing some stupid things... so i was just thinking... maybe... erm... haas... just can say that let love come and find you... haax... whatever.. no link

could have gone to tomorrows 88th dinner one... but that stupid ms ban no time to change name with the police... so most likely is cannot go... haha... if can go then really cool sia... pay half he price to sit on top... muahahahaha... but i doubt i can go... sobs...

~*love knows its way*~
~*let it come to you*~
~*only then will it be right*~

.::Family is important::.

~*family is important*~

thanks for being there... there is nothing much i can talk about... i can only say that family play a big part...and i can finally spend aSUNDAYwith my family le!!!

.::Life moves on::.

~*Life move on*~
~*one life, live it*~
~*used countless times*~

Realise mine title kept repeating? Cause the same thingsjust keep surfacing...
I am always fretting over stupid things... and fail to get myself to take care of the important things...

I read from someone blog and was sumhow and someway enlighted...

Life is just filled with ALONE-ness... you maybe spending alot of time with people whom you don't know and passer-bys... but that is just physically... what about your emotions? when you are with the crowd, are you always thinking about the crowd? or are you alone somewhere in some deep thoughts?

at that time... the you, with the crowd, is only a shell... a empty shell that only few can manage to see... while the rest just see you as someone, all heart, body and soul with them...

i realise that most of the time i am ALONE in my thoughts in somewhere even when i am with a big crowd... i think that is the reason why i hate big crowds... more people there, more people you have to notice of and try not to let them know you are thinking of something else...

there are just countless of passer by in my life and in yours... that person may play an important in your life... but who knows the next day he or she may just leave you...

i agree to the fact that we all came into the world alone and leave the world alone... in the end, all the people around you will end up being just passer by... cause they can't leave the world with you most of the time...

lying in the bed every night...
have you ever think about what will happen tomorrow?
will you still be alive?
will you still be able to see that friend of yours?
when was the last time you met a particular person?
if you are to pass away now, what will be your deepest regret?

from all of the above, i only know that i still do somehow, miss him... just that abit of feeling... cause i am trying to put things under my control... stop missing him and having feelings for him... give me time... that day will come... i kept telling myself that... but when will that day come? i have no idea... =)

went for NDP today... for all i know is sometimes you ahouldstill hang out with the crowd...it does makes me feel better... but i don't like the way the day is ended... maybe i shouldn't even...

i shall not continue... with that stupid thing that is going on in my mind... it has no link

from all i can say... there are just things that i can never have it announced in my blog... how i wish i can just blog everything down... but i can't... not just this incident but also alot from the past... what i have written here are just kind of misleading... i just want to lead readers away from things that i really wish to say but i can't... guilty... but the situations do not allow me to blog everything...

coming into and leaving the world alone, link me back to the fact that we are waiting from the day we were born... the day we were born... we are waiting to be fed... waiting to grow up... waiting to nurture the next generation... and most importantly waiting for death... should i be sad that WAITING and being ALONE is just part of life? i have no idea... so i choose to accept it and do nothign to it except bringing it up and talk about it every now and then...kind of dumb... but... what can i do?

to her: i am ok... at least i think i am... or should i say at least i am ok in the days... haas...

yah... i realise another thing... i am just kind of FAKE... or should i say darn FAKE... seriously... i may seem ok, but i may not be ok...

i hate night time... the time when i am ALONE... alone to face the whole world... but did your ever realise that you a ejust more daring at night? it is because of the fact that at night you are in your own world... whatever you decide to do, you pay less consideration to what the world and people around you will think of you... so mostly DARING things are done at night...

HAHA... clever me... clever analysation... bleh... =P keke... whatever... ;)

oh ya... and i realis eanother thing.. most people gets moody, and i mean extremely moody at night... there are just people with you in the day to 'support' you... when night time comes, you realise that no matter what happen, you are still alone... the world is just the audience... with the support gone, you just choose to let yourself go moody...

and it could also be due to the fact that during the day you have to control your mood to suit the world... at night you just choose not to care... cause at night, the world just do not seems that scaring...
i am tired... tired of whatever that is going on... at times i feel like a failure... i have no idea why...

~*be happy*~
~*live in your own HAPPY LAND*~
~*help to build up others too*~
~* ;) *~

.::i try to think from another way::.

~*i realise the feeling is still there*~
~*i tried to feel how it would feel like to treat him like a normal friend*~
~*but the feeling is weird*~

i thought through the night... i realise that there are just somethings that just cant be let go off so easily... time will heal... i know that... hee... give me time...

there are just so many thigs happeneing around me... there are limited things that i can blog... cause i seriously dont see the point for blogging some things like HAPPY stuff unless they are really interesting...

the feeling is very bad... somehow... inside... but no longer that intese... cause i accepted the fact that things are just like that... things can change very suddenly... just whether i want or not...

for all i can say... i just feel stupid for sinking myself into all these things and making myself suffer... but now things turn out to be good... i got some good things in return... they are HAPPY... they are living in their HAPPY LAND... while i live in mine... this is better than all of us suffering...

no one is at fault... no one should apologise... except maybe for me for dragging people into this situation to feel sad together with me... i am very guilty... all i can say is i appreciate all the listening ears that people lend me... or offer me...

whatever happen, just stay HAPPY... i know your will... and if there is anything that you need help... come to me... i will be more than willing to help... ;)

to anonymous... not that i dont want you to tag... but just the fact that i dont like the idea of people hiding something from me... anf finally of all... thank you for being there... :)

.::sorries::.

~*sorry for turning to you when i am feeling down*~
~*thanks for being there and listening*~

seriously, i don't know who is it who tag those message...i will cheer up... give me time... i have to... i don't have a choice... life have to move on... i seem to have so much things to say but i can't... i seem to have alot of things to tell them in their face but i know i can't...

i don't know whether my intuition this time round is accurate or not... maybe i am thinkng too much... i shall not say it out... i don't know how others will look at me if i let them know it...

i know there are people out there who care for me... i know thatall along... but even if people care, things still bottoms down to me whether i want to tell them about what is going on in my life... i choose not to... not because i don't have trust in them but because i wish to keep things down and i don't want to drag others into this stupid thing of mine... this is really one BIG stupid thing that i got myself involved in... but... they happy can le...

i am thinking about something... i don't know i got that thought to make myself feel better or it is really true... by the way... the thought is just the same as my intuition... haix... i shall not continue on this thought and intuition thingy...

i am starting to think maybe i should just let go... seems like i am left without a choice, do i? and who is anonymous? not say hate it when people don't leave their name lah... but just that i don't like the feeling... the feeling of not knowing something... just don't like peope to keep things from me...

just smsed my friend... thanks for everything... i have decided to let go... haas... things just seems that easy now... cause i had such a bad time these few days... so i willbe a happy person again tomorrow... i will try my bestest to be happy... i promise myself... hee... my target... by this weekend... i will let go... but i think i will still have hope...

~*jie yim lived in HAPPY LAND*~
~* :) i finally feel that i am smiling again*~

.::the smile no longer holds::.

~*i failed*~

i hate spending my day time alone and i hate spending my night time with a whole group of people... an unknowingly depression and saddness will just set in... without knowing why...

i failed to appear happy... i failed to be happy... i failed to let her be happy...

why things choose to come all at one shot? stupid ginas... what is that particular one thinking? his thinkng ah... haix... no one understand... i failed to understand him also...

i suddenly have the urge to change my blog skin... but somehow i am just too lazy... the smile on the pooh no longer seems that genuine... a tingy bit of fakeness i sensed... maybe the smile on the pooh face is what i am wearing on my face... smile on the outside... but does anyone knows when the pooh crys?

.::why?::.

~*let me disappear for a while*~

i just want to vanish from this world for just that one day... see who will miss me and whoo will not...

why did i get myself into all this? i can only say i am happy as long as they are... so please be happy... for my sake...

why did i try to help when i am not that happy after all... i also hav no idea... maybe i just don't want to be seem as someone who is so darn bitchy that i do stupid things just to get what i want...

so this is the time to let go and let them be happy...

should i trust my tarots this time round?

~*vanished...*~
~*things will be ok in the end*~
~*if things are not ok then it is not the end*~

.::should i or should i not?::.

~*i have got myself a new friend*~
~*i dunno will she be reading this entry*~
~*but still i want to thank her*~

i talked to jialing,nan chiau one, about all the things... and we sort of exchanged info with regards to our thinkings... thanks alot for being there...

the nearer the end of the exam draws, the more i think that things are coming to en end... if i have a choice, i would rather my whole week to be filled with dance and not studies... but do i have a choice?

my tarots are telling me things about whether i should or i should not let him know my feelings... haix... see how first lahx....

and to zhongyi hor... not much story... cause i hardly go back to spend time there...

i will know the answer tomorrow, whether to tell him or not... and i sort of talked to him... and my tarots are also telling me that he have someone in his heart le... and i know who that person is... i am one BIG sensitive person... especially to feelings... now i am thinking whether that person will accept him or not if he asked her... and alot of things lah... hee... now don't care...

okies... programme for the week is FUN sia... tomorrow having dance at shi jian drama club, the first drama club in singapore... then wednesday, go help boss do work, then friday goshi jian again, then saturday go ndp, have to put make up and costume...i will cry i tell ur... darn hot can... da jie say wear body suit so that we can strip anywhere we want...haha... true... the costume is long sleeves... and long dress... and heels... tight heels, small cutting for the heels... preparing for blisters to appear on my feet... sunday gt ndp and nanhua going nkf... i think i going ndp at bouna vista... important practice... must go...

~*i hope that what i hope for tomorrow will come true*~
~*only i know what i hoped*~

.::why m i so unhappy recently?::.

~*i don't know why*~
~*but somethings are just not meant to be*~

the world is turning every second...I am forced to move on every second...do i have the choice to stay behind?i don't know and i don't think so...say me pesimistic or whatever that you want...but that is me...i am no longer the happy-go-lucky girl in my lower secondary school years...life just seems like a chore now...a burden that sometimes i wish to get everything off my back...but not by the means of death...

how i wish i can just sit there doing nothing except things that i like...i regret what i had done before...regret that i never put in an effort to study well and be one who excel in everything...but things just seems to be too late...

today is the end of my exam papers...next week will be having spa...today is also the end of my days...i expected bad results...i did study but i jus don't know what went wrong when i am in the examination hall...maybe when i get back results...it will be the first time i am going to cry because of bad results...although i know that nothing else can be done...i might still cry...

there are just somethings that i can't write them here...i can only write them in my diary...maybe i am just putting on a fake happy look in front of you?maybe i am just doing stupid things to piss you off to vent my frustration?i don't know...

there are just so many things in the world that can't ne decided by me...for people whom i will be working with these few days...bear with me...bear wit my temper...i may just come shouting at you without you knowing why...

daryl...you were frustrated at that point of time...i know that...we both are people almost with the same pattern one...our temper guides the way...wheni saw your message...i felt like being hit by accusation again...and you know i don't like that...since you didn't mean it that way...then that settles everything...i think you understand how bad i feel when i saw our message...that explains my bad reaction...my pride is somehow also in the way...

why am i living in a world with people nice to me only when they need my help?that feeling is awful...yes...i admit that my sister changed alot...she understand me more..but that element is somehow still in your heart...so please don't blame my bad temper...

people always asking me...why you let your sister climb over you head?...my reply is... "she think i don't deserve her respect...cause i am always out till veri late...and i am always hanging out with friends and create troubles or disturb others... and i am always doing the wrong and bad things... i know all that..."

but... there is always a but... we have different commitment... we have different friends... i am like that in nature...my bad temper that makes me start to argue with boys...but that doesn't make me a bimbo or something... my skirt is not short enough to be a bimbo and my dressing is also not revealing enough to be one...and my attitude is not bimbo-ic enough to be one...i have friends...i choose to be with them most of the time...simply because i don't want to be someone who only approach them when i need my help... i understand how bad that felt when your friends only turn to you when they need you... i am concerned with how others look at me... how others feel about me and what they think about me... if i can be a friend's good friend by just being there to listen or hang out with him or her... i shall do just that... cause to me that is an easy task... except for the part that i have to withstand all those scoldings from all the late night returns...

i am not a good daugther... i am not a good sister... i am not a good leader... i am not a good student... i am not a good friend... i am not even a good owner...

i always cause parents to have heartaches... i am not there when my sisters need me... i am not the one who is decisive... i am not someone who put in all my heart and soul for my studies... i am not always there when my friends need me... i am not even there for the precious in my family when she is having problems with her ears...

i realised it has been ages since i last hang out with my family for dinner... i realise i don't even know what class my sisters are in now and what courses they are taking... i realise i don't know whatis going on in nan hua... i realise i don't know how to do alot of questions in my papers... i realised it has been days since i last hang out with terror 4... i realised that it has being ages since i last fed her... i am guilty... guilty that i am too greedy in the past... trying to juggle so many things in my hand... now nothing is going the way i want...

i hate night time... when i am alone in my room...just like what i am doing now... thinking about all these stupid things... i hate time when i am alone...

i just seem so alone in this world... i don't know why... people just seems to be moving in and out of my life... maybe this is the point of time when all of them are busy with their own stuff and i have to survive on my own...

it is better to be with someone who love you more than you love him...i know...i hope you understand also...i hope all of your out there know this too...

how i wish i can let my dad knows that i know he don't like to see tears... i tried to control... i did... but i can't...

how i wish i can let my dad and my sister know that... i won't turn into those bitchy girls that they see on the road... i am just tougher than other girls... or should i say i appear to be tougher... i am not as demure as other girls... but that won;t turn me into a gangster or something... i won't turn into a bimbo... i know what to wear and what not to wear... i like to polish my nails... simply for the reason that i don't like the feeling of not doing anything... i want to do something... and nails are fun...

happiness is choosen by me... i know... i choose to be happy... after this entry and after tonight's sleep, i will be a happy person again for tomorrow...but i don't know what i will be thinking tomorrow night...

sorry to those whom i have offended recently... daryl... both parties are to be blame for what happen... you know what kind of person i am and i know what kind of person you are... our temper led the way... thats what caused all this thing... sorry to people whom i have attituded recently... i don't feel like talking...

~*tomorrow is a happy day*~
~*whether it can or not... i want it to be a happy day*~
~*i try*~