~*i don't know why*~
~*but somethings are just not meant to be*~
the world is turning every second...I am forced to move on every second...do i have the choice to stay behind?i don't know and i don't think so...say me pesimistic or whatever that you want...but that is me...i am no longer the happy-go-lucky girl in my lower secondary school years...life just seems like a chore now...a burden that sometimes i wish to get everything off my back...but not by the means of death...
how i wish i can just sit there doing nothing except things that i like...i regret what i had done before...regret that i never put in an effort to study well and be one who excel in everything...but things just seems to be too late...
today is the end of my exam papers...next week will be having spa...today is also the end of my days...i expected bad results...i did study but i jus don't know what went wrong when i am in the examination hall...maybe when i get back results...it will be the first time i am going to cry because of bad results...although i know that nothing else can be done...i might still cry...
there are just somethings that i can't write them here...i can only write them in my diary...maybe i am just putting on a fake happy look in front of you?maybe i am just doing stupid things to piss you off to vent my frustration?i don't know...
there are just so many things in the world that can't ne decided by me...for people whom i will be working with these few days...bear with me...bear wit my temper...i may just come shouting at you without you knowing why...
daryl...you were frustrated at that point of time...i know that...we both are people almost with the same pattern one...our temper guides the way...wheni saw your message...i felt like being hit by accusation again...and you know i don't like that...since you didn't mean it that way...then that settles everything...i think you understand how bad i feel when i saw our message...that explains my bad reaction...my pride is somehow also in the way...
why am i living in a world with people nice to me only when they need my help?that feeling is awful...yes...i admit that my sister changed alot...she understand me more..but that element is somehow still in your heart...so please don't blame my bad temper...
people always asking me...why you let your sister climb over you head?...my reply is... "she think i don't deserve her respect...cause i am always out till veri late...and i am always hanging out with friends and create troubles or disturb others... and i am always doing the wrong and bad things... i know all that..."
but... there is always a but... we have different commitment... we have different friends... i am like that in nature...my bad temper that makes me start to argue with boys...but that doesn't make me a bimbo or something... my skirt is not short enough to be a bimbo and my dressing is also not revealing enough to be one...and my attitude is not bimbo-ic enough to be one...i have friends...i choose to be with them most of the time...simply because i don't want to be someone who only approach them when i need my help... i understand how bad that felt when your friends only turn to you when they need you... i am concerned with how others look at me... how others feel about me and what they think about me... if i can be a friend's good friend by just being there to listen or hang out with him or her... i shall do just that... cause to me that is an easy task... except for the part that i have to withstand all those scoldings from all the late night returns...
i am not a good daugther... i am not a good sister... i am not a good leader... i am not a good student... i am not a good friend... i am not even a good owner...
i always cause parents to have heartaches... i am not there when my sisters need me... i am not the one who is decisive... i am not someone who put in all my heart and soul for my studies... i am not always there when my friends need me... i am not even there for the precious in my family when she is having problems with her ears...
i realised it has been ages since i last hang out with my family for dinner... i realise i don't even know what class my sisters are in now and what courses they are taking... i realise i don't know whatis going on in nan hua... i realise i don't know how to do alot of questions in my papers... i realised it has been days since i last hang out with terror 4... i realised that it has being ages since i last fed her... i am guilty... guilty that i am too greedy in the past... trying to juggle so many things in my hand... now nothing is going the way i want...
i hate night time... when i am alone in my room...just like what i am doing now... thinking about all these stupid things... i hate time when i am alone...
i just seem so alone in this world... i don't know why... people just seems to be moving in and out of my life... maybe this is the point of time when all of them are busy with their own stuff and i have to survive on my own...
it is better to be with someone who love you more than you love him...i know...i hope you understand also...i hope all of your out there know this too...
how i wish i can let my dad knows that i know he don't like to see tears... i tried to control... i did... but i can't...
how i wish i can let my dad and my sister know that... i won't turn into those bitchy girls that they see on the road... i am just tougher than other girls... or should i say i appear to be tougher... i am not as demure as other girls... but that won;t turn me into a gangster or something... i won't turn into a bimbo... i know what to wear and what not to wear... i like to polish my nails... simply for the reason that i don't like the feeling of not doing anything... i want to do something... and nails are fun...
happiness is choosen by me... i know... i choose to be happy... after this entry and after tonight's sleep, i will be a happy person again for tomorrow...but i don't know what i will be thinking tomorrow night...
sorry to those whom i have offended recently... daryl... both parties are to be blame for what happen... you know what kind of person i am and i know what kind of person you are... our temper led the way... thats what caused all this thing... sorry to people whom i have attituded recently... i don't feel like talking...
~*tomorrow is a happy day*~
~*whether it can or not... i want it to be a happy day*~
~*i try*~
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