.::you never know how bad it felt::.

~*do your know that telling me that i am just being paranoid dont help*~
~*but still thank you anyway*~
~*thanks for listening to my nagging*~
~*i dont know how much longer i can hold on*~

why the ones who tried to help are never the ones that i ever hope to be? ok... i am moving into depression stage again... how long have i not have that feeling?

i know i am a nuisance, always getting sad over things that your never thought were problems... but can your just accept the fact that i am stupid and that they appear as problem to me? can your just accept the fact that telling me that i am paranoid no longer help? can your just accept my point of view that something is just seriously wrong somewhere?

how to be thick skinned? i am trying to be... that is what i have been doing all these years if your realised... i never belong to your batch, never belong to your gang, never belong to your group... never if i never attempt to something when i was secondary3...

i know how many people will get furious after reading this entry... i know how many people will be laughing secretly about this great fall that i am experiencing now... and i know just how many people will just think that i am being paranoid again...

i feel like slapping myself... slapping myself, asking myself why i suddenly have the urge to be recognise? why suddenly i want them to know my existance? why suddenly i want things in my hand?

maybe because all these years i am not getting enough recognition that is why when i think that i am losing them, i start to be more demanding...

but whatever it is... i can no longer deny the fact that i have changed all these years... since all of your said so...

i sudden have the urge to type down his name... because i want him to know... but i cannnot

why am i like always label with things that i never do? why when i am shouldering that thing for him, he is going far?

maybe it is nothing to them afterall...

how to be thickskinned when i am already looking at his face and talking to him le but he still dont give a reply or even a expression?

i hope for him to ask yesterday but i only need a smile today but i got nothing...

quit telling me that he would not put it to heart... what is going on now? he is putting the fact that i have changed to heart... if not none of these will be happening now...

maybe i should not even be closer to him initially...

come to think of it... he is also hopping around changing friends...but why do they bu shuang me but dont bu shaung him?

i dont know whether i am sad now or angry now... dont know which one more...

what is all these with Mr Low saying that if bu shuang someone just say it out... apprently someone didnt put it in mind or didnt even hear it... i am tired of asking him whether he got bu shuang me not...

what a day without Si Aun... went home in 188... it is better than facing each other in total awkward silence on the train trip home...

thank you for telling me that they are still kids... i think i know that but what to do? i still took what they said to heart... i think it has become my habit... i am used to it...

i tried to make a change... i went home in 188 and not MRT...

but come to think of it... do you think he even realise that? i dont think he give a F*cking care about it...

do you know that that example that you gave me is not valid? cause we are just 2 different people... Dance Inspiration is not enough... see what is happening now...

it is just so hard to cry and once i start, it is just so hard to stop... should i cry or should i just keep everything inside me?

here i am kicking a BIG duss out of it.. i know...

go ahead...laugh at this idiot here who is just trying to grab attention and who is just being PARANOID...

go ahead... bu shaung this person here if you want... cause at least she will be happy that you even put in an effort to bu shuang her... cause she think that no one cares or even give a F*cking damn about her anymore...

sorry if you cared...thank you... i think i overlook you... you... i dont know who is the you...

~*laugh*~
~*or maybe help to make me cry?*~