.::same old things::.

~*i was reading this person blog*~
~*when i realise that the same old things are just coming back*~
~*and i realise that it has been more than 2 weeks since i last cried*~
~*let this night be the last*~

i realise it has been 2weeks since i last cried... i swear tonight will be the last...i will be ok tomorrow... i will be... cause i know... no matter how sad i am, i still have to smile...

i have been thinking about all these things for alot of times... but things just come and go, any single one of you all can make me cry easily... it is always you all who cause me to suffer from depression cause problems always come from you all...

i decide to say everything out... since i tagged so long in his blog...

did you know that the day before cai qing i was discussing with daryl about it till about 1am?

did you know that i was the one who called daryl to wake up that morning?

do you know that i will be there to help if i have no school that day?

do you know that i was the one who brought down all the bags of oranges from the studio to the hall that afternoon?

do you even realise that you all forgot to throw?

do you know that the whole morning i was thinking about you all?

do you know how many calls i have made before daryl finally wake up?

do you know how much sms i have sent that morning just to confirm that he had wake up?

do you know that i didnt take train to clementi with you all?

do you know that i didnt realise that you are depressed cause from what i see you dont look sad.

do you know that i am always trying to be nice to you?

do you know how much i had been trying to be nice to you even when people no longer care or support you?

do you know that whenever i tried to ask someone for help regarding you, hardly anyone bother to tell me how to do?
cause they just dont care...

do you know how afraid i am? afriad that you will turn back to your old self? afraid that when that day come, more people will not like you?

do you know that i was never in the anti-you programme?

do you know that i never ever plan that before?

do you know how many time had you make me cry all these years?

do you know what happened during the dance camp caused me to get into depression?

do you know even know that i was in depression?

maybe you dont even remembered what happened during dance camp.
maybe you didnt realise
maybe you dont think much about it

do you know how many people out there do not agree to what i am doing for you all?

do you know i got hardly anyone to turn to when i faced problems regarding you all, except daryl?

do you even know that i am treating you nice?

do you all ever bother to tell me what really happens to you all?

do you all ever bother to find out what is going on with me?

do you all ever know that i was in depression a few weeks ago?

do you know that i am tired of treating you all nice even when i am sad?

do you know how afraid i am? afraid that one day everyone of you all will just dislike me and come against me.

do you all know how many things i have been shouldering for you all? all those things that you all should not have done.

do you know how many people dont like me because of what i am doing?
people out there say i am group hopping and they think i am doing things for a motive.

do you know what i can do with all these comments?

do you know that i swallow them and can only cry alone at night?

do you all know how many people think that you all cannot make it?

do you know how many people do not support you with what you are doing?

did you realise how much support i am giving you?

do you even realise the ratio is never right?
it is always me and daryl, 2 to almost 20 of you all.

do you know how much i am doing trying to ensure that i dont lose anyone of your anymore?

did you even realise that we lost 2? i dont want the 3rd or the 4th to happen.


do you know that i have been trying to be nice to you and just you only even when i am sad?

did you realise that i am always using nice tones to talk to you?

all these are just gone in 2 arguments.

you can have mood swing, can have depression, why cant i?

dont ask how much things that i have not done for you all

dont ask me how much bad things or wrong things that i had done to you all

why not ask yourself how much i have done for you all

why not ask yourself how much you all have done for me

ok... i dont have a choice tonight.i can choose to be angry or sad for other things but for this,i can only choose to be sad or disappointed...

maybe i should have long got used to it...it has always been like that, isn't it?

ok... i can only cry tonight... i have to smile again tomorrow.i have to continue what i have been doing for the past 3 years.