.::I realise::.

Feeling tired physically. maybe thats why now at this hour, i am feeling slightly down... -.-



Had a great day, going around and going east coast park. And i realise things at the end of the day..



Just had a talk with my mother and i realise how strong she was and how strong she is now to be able to go through so much. How she was able to put up with the bad temper, the big family, the drunk husband everyday, the tiring work life, the naughty kids till now, the worrying kids that she have.



But maybe i never inherit those from her to be the strong woman in someone else's life yet.



I realise all those needs a lot of effort and courage to get through. Maybe all that matters was courage...



I always believe that sucidal people are people who are plain idiots. They had the courage to jump off a building but not the courage to face their problems.... They are just a bunch of selfish people who threw whatever burden they have to friends and family members by simply leaving this world and getting free.



And i realise, the amount of strength and courage that she have to put into her past life, was so much so that it might justify for killing herself and yet she didnt. The amount of betrayal, the amount of beating and arguing sometimes make me wonder why are they even together. And that makes me determined to not let that happen in my own life.



The past few days, there were great msg from her...



How she tell me to appreciate fate and destiny for bringing 2 people together, how things are plan and to look on the bright side of things, and like what she told me just now, smiling at things might just make matters better in someways and end up with happy moments. I know, ultimately, she just doesnt hope her daughter took the path that she took and have to go through great pain to worry about things and yet live an unhappy life...



That msg almost make me tear, even now to think of it...



Can i be unhappy tonight?



And i wonder about another thing... At times, when the fact is right infront of you, why will someone choose to not accept it? I saw the typical thing today and i wonder if anyone understand how bad he felt.



I dont know how can someone stand that. it is extremely unbelieveable how bad people can get. how they can totally ignore the main objective of the day and still scold the one...



then i ask myself, does he not see that or choose to not see that. and i wonder how to help him if he never let himself realise all that or just simply choose to run away from all that?



Alright. and for today, i had a good day. a really great day except for some small hipups here and there. but generally, a well spent day. C=



Went to work and drove the guys to work.



TOTALLY LOVE THE CZC! that small, convertible, manual and only devil in singapore! It is so nice to drive that car. the handling and the gear and the power of the car! I LOVE THAT CAR. ok -.- it feels great to drive a car that can 'move' hahahahah



oh then after that dear drove the van out and we went to pick the guys back from work and then we went forlunch before settling stuff and went home to wash up.



We went on to collect food for the bbq and that stupid road construction at wan lee area. crap. darn crap. all the stupid contractors... poor management!



and then was to the bbq and my slipper broke. ALRIGHT i need to get a new pair next month le... -.- not now. this month jieyim had spent quite alot on shopping though i dont really remember what i bought. =p

And how did i spend the night without my slippers? i was deciding between whether i should let dear carry me or should i wear his slipper then he go without slipper for the night. =p haha. alright, that was a stupid joke. in the end, my dear went without his slippers and i know that hurts!

on the medical side, it will give u a chance to transfer all the negative ions to the ground and make urself healthier. =p



i did bought a pair of purple pants that i think look like a shirt but i kind of regreted on the colour. but seems like it is still ok. Wait till the stock from uniqlo are out and i will got get the tank tops. =D



I need more tank tops!



I got a dress as well, spent on things here and there and this remind me. it is about time to list out my wishing list... =p birthday coming! and my fragrance is finishing and it is killing me to see it go down so fast. maybe will get some help with buying cheaper fragrance soon...

tata~! got to go blog surf and read my book! oh crap. photos not up yet. and i look ugly in those photos!

lala~

Haha... So this is how u feel when u r blogging from a blackberry.

that is to love

Thank you for sending me and the naughty one to SPCA.

Thank you for picking me and my mother up.

Thank you for that great meal.

Feeling guilty. for the things that were said. knowing that those are things that i wish to put across but also knowing that he did alot.

I LOVE YOU!

.::A better day::.

Tonight was a good night. the time alone, was the best that i can ever ask for. The smile and laughter and stupid jokes, were things that lighten everything up and made me forget how to cry.

Thats love. Love was with me all the while. But sometimes other things were put before it and it never weigh as much.

Not making sense. but one thing here sounds right. I love him.

.::What happen when...::.

*EDITED*
What happen when things that you thought of are deemed as always wrong?
can you dont always think that way?

What happen when there isnt much or anything else to talk about?
admit it, you are just worried that you will say the wrong thing thats why you stop talking

What happen when things that upset you are just every little things in life or every little conversation made?
to laugh or smile it off is the best way out, because nothing commented matters anymore

What happen when you realise you are never there, never enough and yet you can never want the things that badly enough to show people that you are trying hard enough. so what is enough?
mama said the expectation is always there and i am expected to be there

What happen when you realise you are no longer the one who made the one laugh or be happy?
how to let people understand that i can never be the happy one alone

What happen when you know that you are realising more and more things that you have to change when the old you was someone who was so resistant to changing anything in your life?
i know all these will bring me further and longer on, but maybe it is all too much or maybe i just skip too much parts in my life that i only have myself to blame

What happen when you realise there is no longer anywhere else that you can vent or tell people what you are going through except to write them all down and maybe one day people will understand?
or maybe mama can do the job, but how to let her know all these when i know that nothing she say can help anymore.

What happen when you realise that you can no longer ask for more when you were told that you already have alot and should be contented?
what about asking for more. somethings are just so deep inside that i dont even know what i really want so how do i even ask for it. or maybe something to begin with, i need someone to just ask me about a scratch that i had.

What happen when you realise that you can no longer be that weak one who cry all the time?
staring into space and going through all the bad things help because as times goes by, nothing feel that bad anymore like now

What happen when you realise you are always deem as being negative?
i am negative to begin with. believe in horoscope and you will know that the negative cancer is super negative or maybe people will just think that it is me

What happen when you realise no one is talking to you online le?
you didnt talk to anyone to begin with

What happen when you realise that all these unhappiness will only bring more anger and yet you still choose to say them here?
hoping that one day what i get will not be frustration or anger in return

What happen when you know that all the while what others want is understanding and that is also what you want?
i know i dont know what i need someone to understand but i do know that the amount of things that others goes through is deem to be more worse off then what i went through[which i agree (in fact, people think that there is nothing in my life that is bad at the moment and therefore nothing needs to be taken into consideration for being understanding.) ] mine is really nothing but does being understanding means putting up with all frustration and irritation? or really it is only me to be blame?

What happen when a new day begins tomorrow?
nothing much will change or maybe i should hope for the days before the terms begin, and i will still be the one who will smile at things.

Nothing much matters anymore because when you realise people around you are jumping at you, you can only convince your own self that you have only yourself to blame. Things that you say are always wrong, things that you commented will send irritated looks flying your way from even OTHER people, you have only yourself to blame.

You are not there yet. Not up to expectation yet.

But one thing is for sure. I am like that because of LOVE

Personality test

My personality test: http://www.ipersonic.com/test.html

My Type: Dreamy Idealists

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

AT WORK
As a Dreamy Idealist you are one of the introverted personality types. Therefore you prefer a quiet work environment where you can intensively deal with your responsibilities and are not disturbed by too many people and repeated distractions. You need a lot of time to dwell on your thoughts, to put them into words, and let your ideas take shape.You are grateful for a certain measure of order and structure because they secure the time to achieve this so you can deal with one task after the other and not have to juggle a number of responsibilities at once - you don’t like that because it is important to you to deal with things thoroughly. Your capability to concentrate is unusually great and very often you become engrossed in something and forget everything around you - even to eat and drink.Nevertheless, because you are very adaptable, congenial and interested in harmony and cooperation, you enjoy working together with others. A neighborhood that requires the ability to assert yourself and where direct confrontations are the order of the day is not your optimal environment. In order to permit you to fully develop your ability you need an environment that is as stress free as possible. If you can’t get that you soon suffer, because you take critique and negative feedback very personally.

AT LOVE
Fantasies, dreams, and ideals, play an important role in your life. In your heart, you carry visions of a better world where the wolf plays with the lamb, and the creeks carry milk and honey. Naturally, this also applies to the subject of love. You are absolutely convinced that your perfect other half with whom you can merge into the perfect oneness, exists somewhere in this world. You are obviously aware that this extraordinary gift won’t just land in your lap, but you are willing to wait for a long time and sacrifice a lot, if necessary, to reach this vital goal. “Per aspera ad astra,” or “Through the night to the light,” is your motto. As all Idealists, you tend to raise your chosen partner up on a sky-high pedestal - especially at the beginning of a relationship. Essentially, you have excellent insight into human nature but when you are in love, you obviously throw all of that out the window. That can be the only explanation why you aren’t able to see even the smallest blemish on this person. “Idealizing” does not even begin to describe this process, „idolizing“ is probably closer to the truth. All the way up there on that pedestal, your partner is probably already getting dizzy and asking him/herself what he/she has done to deserve this unconditional adoration in the first place. But then, who would not like to see him-/herself mirrored as the perfect person in the eyes of a loving other? On the other hand, it is a real challenge to meet your ideal of love and romance in everyday life. Sooner or later, you are going to be disappointed to find out that you haven’t gotten a hold of an angel nor a superman, but just a normal person with all the inherent strengths and weaknesses. Now the question is, can you love your partner as he/she is and not as you would like for him/her to be?

The love of my life

Love picked me up and took me out. just like how he always do and how he did about 10 months ago.

letting me know that i deserve better and that he can show me the world.

but to me, the silly one, only to realise that he is there only after he picked me up.

and when i am down, shutting down all forms of connection with him, yet at the end of the day, i always know that he is there.

that is the reason why my world revolve around him. and why it is him and why he is the one.

i know he is there, and Love will be there.

and you know who you are. I LOVE YOU!

hmm. korea photos... coming coming. =D

how it feel to be abandoned

i think the feeling is right at this moment.

there are so many things that i have to learn, in fact everything that was with me for the past few years doesnt seem right. i have to relearn them.

and that includes learning how to not plan your time in according to one person and in the end realise that you are alone to spend the time that you planned.

the first time since a while ago.

take the chance to clear your mind and hope.

.small things in life.

to be able to convey something across nicely. and not end up with something bad.

avoid getting on people's nerves and avoid making people angry making me dont know what to talk about.

didnt acknowledge doesnt mean didnt notice or realise.

or maybe i am just so dumb but i did realise

.the trip for me.

okies... finally, i am back from Korea and it was a really cold trip. very very glad that i borrowed the purple jacket from aunty... if not, i think i will die there. haha..

and now, i was suppose to be sorting out the photos now but then again, i realise that the SD card is too high class and too high tech for my computer to read. so now i have difficulty even reading the photos. so i suppose i have to post the photos only some other time. but before that, it will be a draft of what we went through... :)

We departed from Singapore on the 22nd April but we were suppose to check in on the 21st April. and the worse thing that happened to me during the trip is me having my menses just after i checked in.. -.- sianed...

but anyway, we flew to Shanghai and reached Shanghai at about 5am. the next flight to Jeju is 5 hours away. and so we went to check in to one of the hotel near the airport and slept for 2 hours? haha. i think so.

and then we went on to the flight to jeju and upon touching down, we see our tour guide standing there waiting for us... Xiao Yan. haha. and we were brought to have our lunch. super hungry. -.-

we had some local korea food before crossing the street to go and view the YongDuam Rock... had a difficult time trying to differentiat which is the head and body of the so call dragon. at least for me. -.-

had a taste of how cold it can be and we climb around all the rock form from the vocalno eruption lava in slippers for me and dear. haha.

next was up the bus and to the Mysterioud Road of Jeju which really left us puzzle. it ming ming look up slope but water are all flowing down! so in the end, we decided to just go back and read up more about that road from the internet and stop trying to decide whether it is an optical illusion or what.

and next was to an undergroud shopping arcade in Jeju which there isnt anything much that we can really see

but after the shopping trip, we made use of the last few minutes that we have and ran into this gong dian near the shopping arcade, just the 3 girls and took photos. :D

next was to the hotel. something simple but comfortable. we went out to explore and walked around with the aunties who are in the tour group with us... and dint manage to get much. in the end, we went to this beer house run by a couple and had a drink and some bbq meat that dear dear loved. haha

the next day was some very nice breakfast that is actually buffet like but not international buffet. then was a sightseeing at the Sungsan Sunrise Peak, had an experience of how cold it can really get again and got a nice view of the place. went to get the Jeju chocolate as well. dear got some really nice keychains.

next was the Seop Jikoji where All In was shooting was done i think, if i dint get the names wrong. and then after some bbq lunch which i really had a difficult time eating, we went for the ATV ride and i wasnt really something amazing but a good try and it will be better if we had a try of the go-cart.

then was to the Jeju fold village and take alook at where da chang jin shooting was done. took photos and didnt really explore much but dear dear went to kiss the stone structure. :D will post up the photos. :D

and then was to Jusang JeolLi where we get to look at how amazing the work of nature can be... how smooth the side of the stones are and how the other different lines are formed.

then was to the amazing place that i alwats awanted to go! The Teddy Museum. i think i missed the pooh bear teddy but it is ok, all the other teddys are all so cute. including the one that i am hugging to sleep everynight. dear bought one bear for me. :D the price is crazy. -.- and we took photos with this really big big bear and then tried to look like we are in this old car with a crazy bear.

then was out for dinner and back to the hotel. we decide to not go out but in the end decide to went out for coffee. glad that we made the trip. we manage to get the korea dolls that my mama asked for and got seaweed and also magnets that dear want. oh, he got bear magnet from the teddy museum as well! :D and we got to a great shopping street.

next was to have donut and then to back to the hotel to have games of asshole dadi.

then was a transfer flight to busan. first we went to Donghwa Temple, which is freaking cold. really. no joke. then after all the photos. nothing much amazing, we went to Herbland and manage to take cute photos and bought the herb bags that aunty want and got one for my mama which i totally forget about untill now.

then we went on to the Spa valley and had a taste of what it is like to have the traditional body scrup and soaking naked. omg. but the scrup was nice. :D and we tried the doctor fish again. maybe to me it is really nothing. tried it in kl for 3 times?

then was check in to another hotel which was alright and we end up having games and sparkling juice till late hours.

then the next day was a long rideand we end up at the wine museum and their traditional craftworks museum. bought wine and next was to the maisan after lunch and had experience of how cold it really get. but we maaneg to get up and down without freezing to death.

dear had a race with bin bin and injured himself again.

after that, we went to Muju resort hotel. great hotel! it has a king size bed and a nice balcony which dear and i were lucky to get. but it was a rather warm night. went to explore around and got into this hello kitty shop and did some shopping. saw snow! really. just some small snow flakes and went to have a drink at the bar in the hotel. then was to the room for some games after i have help dear massage his leg. and to bed, feeling very very warm.

then the next day was to Everland. will talk more about that. Lappy dying. haha. :P

.::something on::.

and that was a stupid title because i know... i am only typing someting now only for the sake of typing. so many things locked up within and i need someone to talk to but then again, i know i cant...

the time spent doing cross stitch and the time spent staring into space is the best now i guess.

today service was great... think alot and realise that no matter how alone you are, He will always be there with you...

i know i am getting people worried. maybe not people but just one person.

maybe somethings are just not meant to be. or maybe i am just not meant to be. and sometimes when you have alot of time to urself, thinking too much becomes a problem. or maybe dont think is the problem. i am not thinking enuff. my brain is not good enuff.

no no, not making any senses here anymore. oh no... haas

and will just need to learn to smile and laugh more.

i need to sleep more now maybe... random thoughts are nothing good.

Bad things

JieYim just have to admit that she is plainly just faster at posting bad stuff and unhappy things as compared to the good and happy ones...

Lets recap... for the first time, someone around me passed away was 25th September 2008. i dont really know how to cry... it just weird when the funeral came to and end and you reaslise that whatever happened is for real and that you no longer have a grandma... and i still remember visiting my grandmother, she was still ok and talking about discharging although things she said dont really make sense as usual... just like a kid... and my dad lost his mother like that...

then come the next that was a shock was somewhere near the end of december, really near to new year, i lost an aunt, my mum's eldest sister... not someone close as she stayed real far and at that point of time, i have more than enough trouble on hand for me to handle than to be there for my mother... i still remember visiting my aunt in the hospital... she was alright then...

then come the next, after 52 days from my aunt's departure, my grandpa left... my mother lost her father and i lost my only grandparent left. i dint feel like crying at all during those few days and like before, until things are about to come to an end, i realise how sad my mother was... i never see her cry so badly before... i still remember how badly she cried then..

and now, yesterday? in less than 14 days, to be exact, 11 days, my mother lost her brother to heart attack... i think my mother is crying in bed now... thinking about whatever that happened the past few months...

i think she will cry again on wed... he was the one closer to her, other than her younger sister... the brother whom she stayed with before getting married...

maybe i should be thankful that there was someone there beside him to pull the handbrake of the car when he collapse... maybe it is all arranged and fated... with all the sufferings coming to an end...

even my mother's cousins feel the pain... i saw the tear in their eyes when they told me how he passed away... i miss their smiles suddenly...

i am tired.

Things in life

Sometimes, somethings in life are just meant to be... i dont know what that means... maybe what you deserve will stay with you until He decide to take it away from you.

I am not making much sense out of what i typed. i just want to type something. i want to have a place to rant. i want to rant.

what to do?

SMILES~!

Secret

Rewsna Eth Lilw Eimt? Hguone Si Tahw ?Eno Eht I Ma? Tiiml Eht Si Erehw? Esorw Teg Tsuj Ti Lliw? Yb Og Syad Sa Rteteb Eb Sgniht Lliw ?Gnorw Tenw Tahw? Ecnereffid Eht Deusac Tahw, Rendow Ot Tatrs I

dont ask me... if you get it, it is yours. i swear i wouldnt say. C=

.::Being happy::.

I am back to the me a few weeks ago, happy me.

So many things happened, should we be thankful for the 3 weeks or should we regret having that 3 weeks in our life? We cannot come to a conclusion because we all know that the 3 weeks meant something and without the 3 weeks, things will be different.

Living life to the fullest in the days to come and trying to think of what will happen in the near future.

This is the feeling of missing someone.

I am feeling that now.

.::Stand Alone::.

I am back to whatever the way things are one month ago... I no longer wanna decide or choose.

After all the talking last night, while i was lying in bed, i thought that it will be nice if one of them or me get knock down and die so that i dont have to decide.

And it wasnt good to fall asleep with a blocked nose and wake up with swollen eyes.

There are many things that i wanted to say, wanted to share but then i realise that everything that ever came out from my mouth are only right at that particular moment and the next minute, everything will be different le. So i dont want to comment anymore.

And i dont need anymore comments. Maybe its both not love afterall and just plain 坏习惯 that i should change.

& someone important, someone not
% someone comfortable with, someone not
& someone matured, someone not
% someone who saw the kiddish side of me, someone who didnt
& someone in the same world, someone not
% someone i felt like hugging last night, but not the other someone
& someone who made me cry because of a few songs
% someone who made me felt so appreciated that i just feel like crying
&/% one i felt nice holding hands with but just that is being overly protective, one holds my hand only at the right time but just that it dont felt that right or comfortable like the way i held jd or the other one
&/% hoping to faster go home after every 'date' with either one, only once that i dont feel like going home
&/% thought and thinking of both but missing no one
&/% enjoy the life now, but wanting to go back to the old me, so things would not be so complicated now

Maybe these kind of things cannot be compared. How to be with someone you feel comfortable with and yet cannot stand his character or some of his behaviour and how to be with someone whom you know life will be weird and different without him caring for you and yet it dint felt right as a couple?

I always believe that there are things in life that can never be explained... things like Love, you can never explain why you can fall for someone and love him with all your might despite him being a very bad guy.

Sometimes you can never explain why you can love and need someone so much but just something that was missing or wrong.

someone who made up a big part of my life 2 years ago told me, maybe its time to not think so much and just settle down and work hard for my career.

On what grounds can i make the one important stay in my life and how to get the one that i felt comfortable with to become someone that i enjoyed being with?

So now its back to the same thing with something extra, to choose or not to choose, to stay or to leave their lives.

Dont choose, so to stay or to leave.

.::End of 2008::.

So, like i always want to do, i want to type all the happenings in the year of 2008 out... Lets see if i can really complete it.

Moving away from 2007 and into 2008 was a good thing for me, because, if i am correct, 2007 wasnt a really good year for the dragons... oh whatever.. Had a bad experience in 2007 year end and was getting tired of life and the way things are in my life...

The year kicked off rather well, with new year, chingay and everything as per normal. Joined the PA group for their Chingay item and to me, that meant something... although i do hope to join back our own group but it still nice to get the chance to dance with the PA people and get to know people like Munirah...

Then i finally got a new HP for my sister and me!!! it meant alot too, to be able to get something not just for me, but also for my sister... C=

Then on one faithful night, Mr Low called me and drop me a bomb. that is to go china for an exchange programme... totally dint know how to say no and i m glad that i dint reject that...

Went around shopping for formal wear as the dress code was freaking crazy... and to me, it was a chance to go away from singapore, away from my life and to let me find out what i really want...

the forget-how-many-days there were crazy and i met new friends, friends that i missed so much after returning from the trip...

we went to alot of places during the trip and we did crazy things like singing K till wee hours the lasst few nights and i will never forget the BBQ food and the smelly tofu that made me suffer for days... haas

And from the trip, i get to meet someone who changed my life, someone who really took me to where i am now and someone who let me meet another important person in my life.

the trip to china made me realise that i dont need to live my life the way i used to live. i can make changes to make it more fruitful...

I made 3 major changes to my life then, half a year ago...
-I quit my job

-i left him

-i stop going to dance

thanks to him, i got the big big winnie the pooh that i always wanted... the next few times are just time and effort spent on getting Eb ready for ISO audit... Working till 1 plus in the morning and making things turn out well give a sense of satisfactory but at the same time, brought more argument into my life...

when i made up my mind to change job, i got someone who is unwilling to accept, someone who is merely accepting and not understanding because he can do nothing to change my mind... but it all ended the way i want it to...

upon ISO certification, we had a company dinner and that was the first company dinner ever... :) for me... and then i remember whatever that Mr Low said when we were inside the theatre, how he want to go into events since most of us are interested and how i know that it is too late, because i have committed to EB...

i did an evil thing to JD, i initiated the breakup on our anniversary.. maybe he did put in an effort to try to make me stay but him not being able to understand is bad enough... i think i put in all i can for this relationship le... if it is going to end, there is also nothing i can do and i just felt so taken for granted then that i decide it is time to let go...

i spent the night of the breakup with joyce and lawrence in east coast and had gelare at E!Hub while we are waiting for the workers to be done with work...

Then come my birthday, i remember how i was brought to have steamboat in town and how i went home to see a birthday cake. Oh man, at that time, birthday cakes are my love!

I quitted officially on 05 Aug 2008 with many many problems and unhappiness that were not voiced out. For the next 3 weeks, i continue to receive phone calls on questions but i am just so not willing to help... i wonder how i manage in the first place with no one to turn to, and yet she is jsut asking me every single bloody question...

then after working in EB, i met new people like MAK KWONG SOON, Kangwei, Qiugui, Victor, Peter, Ya Oo, etc.

nice people and more friends although some of them are more related at work...

Then came NDP, the last thing taht i ever want to be involved in and i met someone who helped me thru time when i was trying to find someone to talk to. RK Lee. someone whom i last met during NDP, someone whom i still manage to keep in contact with...

After NDP and after times spent in the office, before i got used to everything, Lawrence kim flew off to USA for an inspection job... this was one of the toughest time, where by i suppose i have went thru alot without him and with Mr Kim... how we survived with just mr kim driving, how we survived with Kangwei, and Zhiyan's help in driving... I am gladful for the 2 months that he was away though, it gave me a chance to be independent and truely knows and understand how the company works and i believe that things did changed abit in those 2 months...

But during those 2 months, alot of things happened too... i went for my SSSC course and completed it without even studying for it and during that period of critical time, trying to juggle between work and SSSC, my grandma passed away, someone who never was important to me but her depart made me realise that she actually meant alot... so much taht it made me miss her for months... then came the time after that, was the Industrial first aid course and something i took pride in happened...

I was the only girl in the whole class and i managed to pass the course with full marks in theory!!! some big achievement... haha... totally praised and had a sense of achievement!!! C=

the next big thing will be Lawrence coming back and me passing my driving test with 18 demerit points... and something stupid happened... after applying for my license, i left my IC in UBI!!! freak and i was only aware of it when i reached clementi or something...

crap... and i went back 2 days later and on one faithful day that i drove a new van, i scratched the bumper and pui... argh. it was a new van!!! crap...

then as the days go along, many many things happened that i dont feel like penning them down... not now... the countless times that i end up saying sorry, the happy times, the everything, not able to find a balance then...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! C=

not everything is here but i just dont feel like typing anymore...

.::Up coming long post::.

this year, i decide to post all the happenings for 2008 in my blog and end my year well

it was a well spent and exciting year for me! Will start to type after christmas, after i manage to finish all the prezzie... omg... this is crazy.

and i am broke, no money for dear dear prez. argh. kill me please

OH NO

.::Something in life::.

that was a random title because this is just a random entry that i really dont know what to really put into.

things are going the wrong way now, because of me, i was the stupid one.

there are somethings that i just dont want to explain now, somethings that have not much explanation at all.

.::The start of the Story::.

hi all, i feel its time to share my story of how i got together with him.
Sometimes, there are just somethings that cant really be put into words. We experienced the kind of comfort, ease and peace with each other, how everything felt so right when we are with each other.

There are soemtings that can never be explained and this is one kind of situation.

How things come to where we are now cannot be explained. I think people agreed that someone else really did alot but somehow the connection was not there or should i say, the connection/feeling came at the wrong time.

I remember how i used to look at him with other girls after i broke up half a year ago. How i thought that this is someone nice and treat me good and how we know what each other want and think. Then it came to this point in time whereby i convinced myself that i am not that kind of girl that will attract him and then i grew out of it.

I remember how i used to tell my ex that there can only be one relationship between me and someone else at one point of time. and slowly i grew out of it.

Maybe i am just being insensitive or whatever shit you call that. i can only say, i dint expect all these.

No one will understand whatever that happened that day when we went out the whole day on one particular sunday. How we realise that there are so many things that we agree on, so many things that we felt the same, so many things that felt so right, and how comfy it felt for someone who are going out for the first time.

Maybe he cant do that much, maybe he cant bring me around and fulfil all my wishes or dreams, maybe there are just things that someone else can do but he cant, but then that is not important anymore. at this point of time, the connection felt very different.

Never expect myself to be in this kind of situation, just like in a Taiwan drama show. I know it is confusing. all the 'he' and 'someone else' but whatever la, it is not important. i am just wondering when all the waiting will end and someone nice will come along for him.

Blogging from chalet with my dear dear's lappy!!! C=

.::Days ahead::.

Alot of things happened recently came as a surprise, a shock to me. Not really the way that i have expected it to turn out to be.

I have made a decision, come to a conclusion. This is what i want, I am happy now.

But to those that are affected by our selfish decision, sorry. The harm wasnt inflicted intentionally.

Chalet over the weekend! Looking forward to it!

.::Planning something ahead::.

planning for saturday!!! haha

.::MaMaMia::.

this few days were not bad. and haha. i have a powderful person tagging at my tagboard with powderful english. haha



Thinking about my past and my future. thinking about what to do next, even before this is going to end. thinking if i should.... hmm...



anyway, there is nothing much that i want to say now. there are things going on but nothing should be said. CHIONG AH! AUDIT IN A FEW DAYS TIME!!!



smiles, because things will be ok in the end, if things are not ok, then it is not the end.

.::A quick recap::.

Ok, saturday was a great day. :D

Went to One Rochester which is an amazing place and next was up to Mount Faber with them and we saw this amazing christmas tree that was actually the radio tower.

Next we went on to walk around and reach the Henderson Waves. and hmm. haha. went home after that and when was the last time i slept so late and chat so long on the phone?

OMG. and then Sunday was knock out, couldnt wake up. and still i came back to work. haha. glad that i came back. haha. if not i will die on monday.

wanted to go out drive last night.. but some crazy things happened. the boiler failed a hydraulic test. -.- and -.- and -.- and -.-

.::A small notice::.

I PASS MY DRIVING! FIRST TIME!!!

.::Long post if possible::.

I always start out blogging, hoping that i will end up with a really long post. but i hardly succeed in doing that because i realise that i have just too many things to blog about.

here are somethings that i want to talk about (in brief before i forget everything):

- some idiotic girl who sms me one morning and i ended up in a heated arguement with her
- the KL trip
- the weirdest people on earth
- the boss who is always flying around
- my favourite colour
- up coming christmas and chalet preparation
- my test!

Some idiotic girl who sms me on morning and i ended up in a heated arguement with her
one morning, i was awakened, not by my usual alarm, but the ring tone from an incoming sms. ok, fine.
Look through the sms dreamily, half asleep. couldnt make out what is head and what is tail and pop i went back to my dreamland. when i finally woke up, i look through the message and was surprise by what i saw.

Someone that i once shouted at say months ago, message me to explain that she dint avoid us on purpose, just that she thought she has lost her handphone, but only to find that it is inside her CD cupboard or something. what a lousy lie. really, iz L.O.U.S.Y. anyway, she commented nicely that, if i did not shout at her the other time, she would have choosen to give up on the other performance for ours instead and she emphasize that she is from this prestige school for performers. F.I.N.E. that is just so whatever.

I think i should thank God that i shouted at her. because that made her go away and i dont need to handle her coming late all the time.

And then, just like the usual GAUI LAN me, i replied very guai-lan-ly. i mention that i felt that i wasnt really rude to her than, she did mentioned that i made her felt like a dog. but GIRL, I DONT TREAT MY DOG THE WAY I TREAT YOU! i treat my darlings at home dearly, in fact, i think they are more responsible, more nice, more well behave than you do.

So come to ask me, what have she done to deserve all these. i remember how she was late for her first show, her first time performing with us and how she was late for every single practice and performances that follows.

Thats about all the ranting. and i hope that she will just delete all our contacts from her handphone after returning the costume, becuase i just dont see any chance for us to work together anymore.

The KL trip
Went KL with a small group of people last weekend. when was the last time i went on a HOLIDAY? it was a good break, a relaxing one, with us staying in a 5 star hotel! C=

ok, we made our way to KL in Lawrence's trajet and there was this small traffic jam for about 20 minutes at the Singapore custom, but nonetheless, it was considered smooth and ok.

then we met up with people in JB for lunch at Gelang something de, i just dont remember the name la. had some normal local food that we came to realise were considered rather highly priced.

anyway, we went on and departed that place at around 1pm and we chionged through the highway at 130km per hour or something like that and TATA~ we manage to reach before 5pm and as usual, we got lost in the city just like any other tourists.

But then we manage to find the cool 5 star hotel Crowne Plaza. its like the best that you can ever get with the best toilet ever and we settle down, before proceeding out for dinner at an amazing restaurant by the roadside. There, the one and only thing that spoilt the trip happened. We ordered steam fish and puke, we were serve with fish that wasnt fresh. and that is the one and only bad thing that happened during the trip.

then we moved on to walking and shopping before moving on to the next thing on our agenda, Foot Massage. and we came across this shop at Jalan Bukit Bintan that has fish spa and foot massage. it was a great experience with the fishes nibbling at your feet. haha. i can say i was literally about to scream. and rarr rarr, the fishes seems mroe interested in the guys smelly feet rather than mine, maybe mine smelt too nice. C=

haha. then after the foot massage, we went back to the hotel and was considering if we should go to the local clubs, which we end up deciding against the idea. and we went back to bathe while some of them met up with their own friends for clubbing.

then the 3 of us, Lawrence, Mak and I, went out to look for food. -.- and after supper, we decide that it is time to rest and woah, it was already 3am then! haha someone had to sleep with steam turbine or something. haha.

had another bet and hope i win the bet this time round.haha

then the next morning was an early breakfast at the 5 star hotel. cool! haha. then we went off to explore the hotel and the guys decide that they want to go gym. so we made our way to a departmental store, i forgot the name le la. the big one with roller coaster in it de. their idea was to get sports shoes but end up shopping for me. so it is me, and 2 guys shopping for MY clothes. crazy~!

and then we went back and had a coffee at starbucks before checking out. we got a shock when we were about to move off because the wheels couldnt unlock but it did in the end. C= and this time round, we took an even shorter time to get back.

haha. achievement but dangerous. haha

and another great meal at Jurong before coming back to office to finish up report.

The boss who is flying around
and yes, i have a boss who is always flying around. not a good thing, but not a bad thing as well. hoho. anyway, after a 2 months voyage, my boss is back and after being in Singapore for 2 weeks, he went to China Shanghai for about 3 to 4 days and he will be back tomorrow before having to fly to some other place again.

My favourite colour
I just confirm and acknowledge that my favourite colour is RED. and after 49 days without red, i am now back to RED. my grandma pass away 49 days ago. =C

Up coming chalet and christmas preparation
I bet my cousins will feel like killling me but i dont want to miss a company event! there might be a celebration on the second day of my planned chalet. i am still in the midst of planning but i suppose that date is the best day for the company christmas celebration also.

and i had thought of a brillant presents for the workers. -.- haha. as for the rest, wait till moolahs come in.

My Test~
My driving test is coming. i am going to convince myself that i can pass. i can pass de, just have to put in extra effort. and i am super broke now. oh no.

The weirdest people on Earth
ok, refering to a few people and i believe i used to fall into this category.

How can people put in so so much into a relationship and give up so much for their yet-to-be-other-half? the only reason is L.O.V.E. and that makes me have one conclusion, L.O.V.E. make even the very normal people into the weirdest person on Earth.

like i used to believe, there will always be one party that will forever be giving so so much and the other half taking mroe than they should. nothing is wrong about that but like any other thing, there is always a limit to this kind of things.

one day, the one giving nothing more to give and the one taking will find that nothing is enough.

so it will come to one question, did they love each other? yes, they did and they are still loving each other now, just that they are loving each other at different level with different methods.

只是爱与被爱的比例, 不是爱或不爱的问题

i used to love the song 生命中不可承受的轻 now, i still keep it in my mind.

i remember how much i use to spend on him, time and money. but it is all over. thats it.

sometimes moving off is better.

Thats all folks, although i dont know got anyone read my blog or not. -.-

.::35 days ago::.

it all happened 35 days ago, and yes, i am still thinking about it.

on a lighter note, my boss is in Singapore waters le. finally he is back.

C=

I need my mahjong session!!!

Faster finish exams!!!

.::Hide Me Away::.

I am tired and exhausted all of a sudden. Maybe because i suddenly realise that there arent much goal for me in life at the moment. or maybe i am just tired of the lifestyle now. hope i feel better after the holiday.

Yesterday night, wanted to Mahjong but reckon that i better dont go in case i get barred from there forever. and people are out enjoying dinner with their families but me, alone at home, eating corn flake and watching tv, ALONE. then daddy came home. asked if he wanted a drink but i realise he is as usual, drunk, and started to haolian about his red wine at the door while taking off his boots and smoking. so argh, i gave up the idea of drinking with him.

then after contacting the usual guy, i realise another really really drunk guy. CHO KAI SIANG. he is drunk like dont know what la. Apparently, he is in camp, drinking. hmm. and he had a shot of whisky, and 4 cans of beer before the first call that we made. then by the time i called him for the second time, he sounded more drunk and i realise he had about 5 cans le. -.- then during the last call, he hang up without finishing whatever he is trying to say and can tell that he totally cannot make it le.

then met up with Lau. savior lor. really. haha. went out for supper or rather, my dinner. had wu xiang. but i am just so bored with life la. after eating, went to 7 eleven. I WANT TO DRINK! so i got a bourbon coke. so sweet. -.- ok, maybe that will be the last time i drink that. but its still ok, other than being too sweet. Lau end up not drinking anything. -.-

then walk to the park, talk and talk and then jiu go home le. sian. go home, attempt to do cross stitch. i feel so lousy, only 275ml of 8% and i feel abit tipsy but i manage to get home and get a good night sleep.

this morning, i woke up and i stepped into a puddle of urine in my room!

Poor Carrot, apparently, my sister let her into my room and because today is a Saturday, no one wakes up early so no one open the door for carrot to go out at around 5 or 6 early in the morning so she couldnt go out to her loo. My parents heard scratching and knocking early in the morning but they dint open the door for her, cause they dint expect that she is inside. and according to my mama, when she woke up to charge her hp, carrot stop all the knocking and scratching, maybe she thought my mama will open the door for her. but no one did! and so she urinated in my room at a corner that would not dirty anything. poor girl.

so no one bear to scold her. and for this afternoon, i dont know what i should do

people ask me go out, ask me go dinner, ask me go zoo, ask me go mahjong, ask me go chit chat. but i dont know which one to choose so i rejected all. i feel so bad. but i am feeling tired. i think i need a sleep and i am feeling weird now.

things that happened during the funeral kept coming back to my mind. something that i know i should stop thinking. was talking to my mama that day. i asked her if she got think of her. it has been a month. how is everyone coping, i dont know. life still goes on. we like it or not, it still does. she is no longer there and there is nothing we can do about it.

i remember how she look at the hospital during her last week and her last moment, how she can still joke with us and how she want to play mahjong, but fear kept her away, how she struggle at the last fewhours, how she cry, how red her eyes were when we asked if she was waiting for her sister. how everyone crowd around her, taking turns to see her, talk to her, how my uncles and aunties kept trying to tell her to go on and move on after seeing how she struggle. i remember how some of my auntiees and cousins cried the moemnet she is gone. i remember how everyone walked out when i came back after sending an old lady downstairs. i knew something was wrong. i remember how i went down to wait for another auntie and how i came back to see no heartbeat. i remember how we were told to not cry, i remember how we stood at the corridor and decide on the funeral, i remember how i rush to Batok the next morning, how i rush back to work and then back to batok again, i regret not getting to see her, i remember seeing her hand from afar, i remember how she look in the past when she is still in the pink of health. i remember how all the cousins got together, i remember how we work together those nights, i remember how we took turn to do things, how we get together to gossip, how we did all the rituals during the last night, how i cried, how people start to cry, how i cry and how the guys tried to stop us from crying, how we still work, how we went early the next morning, how we did what we could again for her, how we gather around to see the house, how we went through rituals again and how everyone start to cry again, how we try to not cry, i remember the moment the coffin was raised by the guys, i remember how everyone broke down. i remember how we walked and how cousins are worried for their mama, how i tried to look after the kids, how we walked and board the bus. i will always remember the route that we walked. how we still can talk and joke on bus and how tired some of us were that they fall asleep.
i remember how the place look like, what we did and i remmeber seeing the tears in the eyes of my cousin rolling, someone always happy and full of jokes, i saw those tears, i remmeber how we then move off to the viewing gallery and how the coffin was pushed in, how everyone start to cry again and i remember how that bloody idiot auntie start to take picture. i rmember how everyone walked out, threw away our socks and took off the things that are suppose to be taken off, how we wore our shoes and how we board the bus again. i remember how emo i was, how irritated i was then on board the bus, with the driver and someone's friend HAPPILY CHIT CHATTING AWAY! i remember how irritated i was, i remember how the few of us on the bus remain very quiet. i remember how we washed ourselves after reaching batok, i remember how we climb the steps up to the hosue and how we prayed again for her to come back to her new house, i remmeber how we went doen and have lunch and i rmember how everyone is ok with everything. then i remember seeing my tired parents at home and i remember playing with my cousins that night, and i remember how emo i got towards the end, cos i realise, everything is over, and she is really gone.

i will remember TTSH forever and i will avoid Novena, cause the moement i go there, i will remember that TTSH is nearby and i will remember i lost my grandma there before.

the one who hardly dotes on me, the one who came over and took care of me the old chinese way when i was very very sick, the one who took me to the hospital to see my cousins when i was young, the one who came to my house and taught me how and where to sweep, the one who came to my house and taught me how to mop, the one who came to my house and kept away all my soft toys, the one who took us and compared with our cousins, the one who i call ah ma, the one comes and stay with us for a few weeks and i remember how she always like me to be home cause i will talk to her, the one who cook nice sweet potato leaves, the one who cook nice but oily food, the one who my doggies likes to play with, the one who have a smile that has only one tooth, the old lady who have difficulty in biting but still bite, the one who gave birth to 18 children, the one who gave me a big family, the one who gave me so many cute cousins, the one who came over and stay during the last newyear, the one who made my house crowded during the new year, the one who dont like to sleep at night, the one who never like to admit that she is tired, the one whom i tried to do an address change for, the one who i missed. dearly.

This is Life.

.::TODAY IS A FRIDAY! OMG::.

OMG~! TODAY IS A FRIDAY!!!

and jieyim is one happy girl because today is a FRIDAY! although i am abit sad that i still have to work tomorrow

but it is still ok, at least the weekend is coming and i have yet to give LK whatever that i should. oh no!

JIE YIM, YOU SHOULD START TO WORK!

I troubled someone yesterday night. for someone staying in Jurong West to send me home from Jurong East.. OMG. so mafan but still feel grateful, if not i will be totally drenched.

Had my Occupational First Aid Theory Paper yesterday. haha. i like the instructor! ok, my sis will say that i like being praised la but i believe i was praise because i was good also.

I proved myself, its not because he is biased or something, i have the capability, i manage to get 30/30 for the theory paper. haha. actually i expected that d=

i think some people will feel like whacking me now. but haha. i dint even study and i know i wun fail.

hmm. this goes to proof something that my sister said, i am actaully cut out to study de. but hmm. i choose whatever that i am doing now. if i could turn back time, i will choose to study. but i dont regret also. hmm. contradicts but iz ok. I HAPPY JIU HAO! HAHA

i want to MAHJONG! but then i think i should find time to start studying again. OMG. my accounts are going down~ down~ down~ down~. haha

and oh ya, my kaki sick, and having exams. -.-

Enjoying Jay's new album at the moment. and i have to say, i really enjoy 花海.

花海

静止了 所有的花开

遥远了 清晰了爱

情侣们 爱却更喜欢

那时候 我不懂 这场爱

你喜欢 站在那窗台

你好久 都没再来

彩色的 世界染上空白

是你流的泪晕开

不要你离开 距离隔不开

思念变成海 在窗外进不来

原谅说太快 爱成了阻碍

手中的风筝放太快回不来

不要你离开 泪已化不开

经历的阻碍 我在等待重来

天空仍灿烂 她爱着大海

情歌被打败 爱已不存在

你喜欢 站在那窗台

你好久 都没再来

彩色的 世界染上空白

是你流的泪晕开

不要你离开 距离隔不开

思念变成海 在窗外进不来

原谅说太快 爱成了阻碍

手中的风筝放太快回不来

不要你离开 泪已化不开

经历的阻碍 我在等待重来

天空仍灿烂 她爱着大海

情歌被打败 爱已不存在

TATA. Thats all. haha. i am hungry. MUM MUM TIME!

.::Even if no one reads::.

I just realise no one read my blog, or maybe the people just dont tag cause i dont reply.

hmm. anyway, that is not really important.

This morning, i went to The Revenue House for a briefing on GST.

Not that i dont what and how to claim GST, but just that i HAVE to go.

anyway, i start to not like the place. even going pass that place, i dont like.

things happened a month ago. i cant imagine she is really gone.

and i just realise something last night

My uncle seems to be the owner of the Ten Dollar Club. -.-

你看到了吗?

我们都过得很好

我们没有吵架

笑着想你

你过得好吗?

开心吗?

二十八天了

我还是会想起你

我还是舍不得

有时还会想哭

我想大家都是这样的活着

不断地想起你

谢谢你留在我的记忆里

.::Thinking things through::.

Hmm. Something not really pleasant happened yesterday night and it made me thought through quite alot of things.

Someone called me during lesson and me happen to pick it up. then we had the following conversation:

Girl: Oei, i saw your daddy leh!!!
Me(during class, and speaking damn softly): Orh, i having class.
Girl: I dint see him at the usual coffeeshop leh, i saw him at another one.
Me(still speaking damn softly): Orh, i having class.
Girl: You guess which coffeeshop i saw him?
Me(starting to get irritated, still speaking damn softly): I having class!
Girl: Orh, why having class? What class?
Me end the call aruptly.

ANGRY! BLOOD BOIL CAN?!

Ok, i should not even have picked up the call in the first place.

But this is freaking irritating! How can she be so irritating.

hmm. then when i was walking home, i thought through everything that happened and the weather is nice, small drizzle, real small droplets of rain drop.

I used to think that she is a poor little girl because her sisters dont really treat her well at home and i know ultimately, what she needs is just attention, something that she need endless amount of but her sisters and people living in her house are in no ability to provide her with.
Then i start to realise where her limits are or rather, i realise she have no limits to the need for attention.

Then the fuse start to get shorter and shorter but still manageable.

Just like another Boy, i was telling the brother to give him more attention cause that is what he need also.

But i always tell them, who am i to tell them what to do, they are not my brother or sister. and this make me wonder, am i a good sister?

I know i wasnt there for them the past 2 years but now i am. I know i was just a spoilt brat for the past 2 years but now i believe i am not. so am i a good sister or not? hehe.

Someone told me to heck care her but come to think of it, i still think she very poor thing, no one want to play with her, etc. and even if she was the one who manage to convince us to go over and 'play' with her, ultimately, we will still cast her aside when we start to mj or do other things.

Am i suppose to blame her for her young age? or should i just blame myself for picking up that bloody call? but anyway, its really a SMALL thing la. i just feel so bitch and xiao qi blogging about it here.

anyway, hoping to enjoy whatever that comes along in life but for now, i will continue worrying about what is going to happen at home.

Apparently, my mama forgot to turn off the gas this time round, although the gas is finished, but you never know what. she also damn DOK KONG can? last time forget to turn off the slow cooker and it made me think about it for hours only to realise that it is switch off already. and now this. -.- wth.

OH YA! I wanna go shopping!!! =C i need a new bag BADLY.

ok, wednesday will be the day that i will shop. d= shhh...

hmm. what can i say? sometimes somethings just arent meant to be. my sister asked me about him last night. something that surprised me anyway, everything is over. C= and i am a happy, loving soul now! C=

.::My weekend::.

The weekend was rather well spent. Other than mahjonging and playing around, it was a nice time for me to start everything all over again.

First, Friday night, was suppose to go swimming but oh well, was pangseh by people and end up just laying around in my cousin's house.

I totally forget what we did but i know in the end i went home without nothing much done after the guys come back.

And i spent the night doing cross stitch. something nice and relaxing and not much brain cells exhausted in the process.

Then it is work the next morning as usual and i swear i look like a panda. After working and driving for 3 hours, i went home for a good sleep in the living room. haha.
When i was about to fall asleep, my dear mama called and she mistook me as Ah Chun~!!! WTH. but anyway, after i end the call, i saw my darling Carrot enjoying her sleep on my pillow and pui her. even after me putting my head on her body, she still dont want to move away. rarr~!

but anyway, i went over for my Mahjong session with them as usual and after one whole round, we decide that maybe it is time for dinner at 9 plus. haha. and to think that we actually walked all the way to Lot one for fast food and in the end settled down at KFC.

hmm. i was extremely loud on the way home as usual.

AND we played till 1 am in the stuffy kitchen. -.- with Ah Pui being the entertainer and making everyone laugh.

and then Sunday was to driving lesson after sleeping till noon and then to Kallang for dance. (will touch more later) and then was back to their house and SEE them play mahjong. ~!@#$%^$%^&*
then was dinner at 10pm and then we went home.

hmm. i forgot when or where but i realise that i am missing her more than anything. It has been 20 over days and i am still feeling something whenever i thought of her.

i never know that there will be someone that will make me feel this way other than him. she is someone where, happy, in the company of the others whom she have always missed.

Someone told me that there is actually something that we should not have execute a few years ago. it just lead her to her end faster. but anyway, everything have come to an end, and i believe we are all enjoying whatever that she had brought for us.

Her death bought us closer. she let us have the chance to interact and play together and work together and until now, unlike in the past, we are meeting up more than once each week.

Whatever that is happening now are things that i used to believe as something impossible but it is all going on well now. i hope to make everything last.

and then went back to dance. there are things that it is difficult to put into words for others to understand. i am not heartless, and sometimes, it is just a matter of choice that made me choose to do something and not the other.

it is not that the passion is not there, it is just plain tired of things and nothing that i do can change things so sometimes running away seems easier and better, for me.

Nothing much about work these days as the market is really quiet.

however, time pass rather fast today as i do out all the invoicing and stuff.

i enjoyed it when there is alot of work! C=

Enjoying my Uncle Quaker Baked Apple Granola Bar after a busy morning and Jieyim is attempting to go on DIET!!!

It is not really a boring life now. it is just an excuse to get more attention.

i have interesting foreign workers in the office, maybe other than 2 who likes to stare at me. -.-

EMO-ing when i dont have anyone to sms.
EMO-ing when i have nothing to do at work.

it was a good time spent and hmm, dun bring the hopes too high.

.::HAPPY YESTERDAY::.

haha. had a happy day yesterday. lets list them out one by one. C=

Early morning, i was kept rather busy. or rather, i dont remember whatever that i did. then came the call telling me that the new workers will be coming in. haha.
after that, everyone came back and they start to clean up the place. its great to see all of them working together, maybe other than a few of them that i dont really give a shit to anymore. the rest joke and play through everything and i like that kind of feeling! and they tried to reorganise everything yet AGAIN.
i predict EVERYTHING will be in a mess in less than 2 weeks. ahaha.

then i made a call to Absolute Kinetics and i got the good news! i passed my supervisor course! haha. HAPPY! C=

then some stupid jokes were been shared and HAHA. something about me going into a tank and coming out only 1 week later. -.-

and went on to briefing and we were talking about safety about looking at where you are walking and not fall into a manhole or something. then the stupid tank joke came up again.
and we are been constantly reminded about kumar and his $150 fine. haha

then went off for my first aid course. haha. CPR was scary because the instructor was very angry.
but when it is my turn, i was praised for knowing my procedure. and it feels great when you are the only lady there. i feel that the instructor is biased though

then while the instructor is concentrating on the other's CPR, we tried out our bandage and when i have done mine, and showed to the instructor, i end up looking at other 'classmates'. then was guiding them until the instructor direct them to me, for me to teach them how to hide the fingers in.

okok. haolian haolian.

wadever.

then i had a pack of fries when i was walking home and MAN, that spoils my day! the fries are rather undercook and i had a bad time biting them. but i finished it nonetheless.

someone told me 'you seem happier with your new job' and i said yes, i am really happier.
and we went on to talk about some blur people that i choose to not mention here. YES YOU ARE BLUR.

who can i turn to to let them know that i am not like that? now i know what kind of person you really is. i should have thought all this through a long time ago.

and i caught the hint. and i think it is all getting obvious.

i went to ah ma house. and hmm. its 21 days le.

.::BLOODY HELL::.

I was reminded of someone very damn bloody irritating.

Someone idiotic and stupid and yet still wanna run a business. you can go die.

No names will be mentioned here so dont ASSUME that it is YOU. if you do, then, thats bloody your own problem.

Do you think some meals can buy me over? i caught the hint a long time ago just that i choose to not give any response to it. so what if your volume dont need to employ someone to handle the document?

that is still ok. but some asshole actually came to me and tell me,
'erm, next time got people call, ask them nicely, see whether they want to leave a message or something, dont let them feel that there is no one from the company in the office'

Bloody f. but that is the fact right? how am i suppose to hide that when i really dont know how to handle YOUR documents and help YOUR client? you dont pay for MY salary and you dont even bother to pay for the rental just becuase my boss is out of town!

@~!#$%^&*(

really got nothing to say.

ok, so here i confess, i was giving the extremely-heck-care attitude when it comes to picking up YOUR incoming calls. because to me, that is something out of my job scope. and who are you to tell me what to do. maybe i will listen to you if you bother and can offer me a higher pay. but i doubt that day will come in the near future.

oh my goodness. this is all so obvious. but i dont give it a damn.

.::OOPS::.

OH NO. maybe one day i will just die in the office. hmm. i should try not to make the workers hate me. haha. but thats a tad bit difficult because jieyim can be VERY IRRITATING.

especially when she is PMS-ing, like now

hahaha. hmm. life last night was great! MAHJONG MAHJONG MAHJONG! Win like siao but hmm. no money come in because no money was involved in the first place.

hope i dont get exposed someday. but i predict that day is coming and that is tomorrow. =C

i am still coughing and my nose is still block. because i stop taking medicine MAHS... of course la. hmm.

hmm. and something to note, my boss is still not back yet. hmm. lets hope he will be back by the 18th.

... oversensitive is a problem. thinking too much is another problem and hoping for alot is a big big problem.
sometimes i am just contented being around, there is no need to be there all the time. thinking of different ways to start things up knowing that everything will end someday. although i hope that nothing will end at the end of the day. i always tell people things will be ok in the end. so who will tell me that things will be ok at the end of the day? i need assurance as usual. that is my big problem. and i am just like that. how to change the mind of someone and hint that everything is possible. OMG.
DIFFICULT, NEVER
lets hope that someone message me to entertain me later. C= HOPE

okok. i have CPR class tonight and i have yet to memorise the procedure. RARR

.::HELLO::.

JIEYIM IS HERE TO BLOG AGAIN

more and more people are not picking up my calls le. and its making me sad. hmm.

but anyway about my weekend, it is rather well spent la.

haha. i was suppose to go my cousin's house on friday night but seeing that it is my dad's birthday and my mummy will be at home, i said no to her AGAIN. i think she sad sad de.

hmm. went to enjoy our free sundae from Swensen and we met this super familiar manager that i suppose was my nanny's niece or something. but anyway, thats not important.

i crave for brewwarks' cheese sticks. they are the best. oops. i am not sure if i got the name correct. haha. iz that pub next to Igauna. C=

anyway, the cheese sticks at Swensen was DISAPPOINTING and yucky.

went to walk around in NTUC and also attempted to get shoes but everything FAIL!!!

we went to the pet shop thinking of getting a new dog for ME. and we end up buying a dried piggy ear for Carrot. it is really dried PIGGY EAR!!! at least thats what the shop owner claim it to be.

it was suppose to last long but our naughty clever dog finished it in less than an hour.!!!! we couldnt believe it and even resort to searching high and low in the house for it.

oh ya, after the pet shop, we were comtemplating if we should walk home. haha. but ultimately, due to some shit personal reasons, we end up taking 190 home. so be it.

upon reaching home, i also forget what i did.

on saturday, i chiong to quite a few places. -.-

i went to work and after that, my boss drove me to the stadium at Jurong West. haha. i passed them the PSP FINALLY. and we went to jurong point after that.

i was darn drowsy from the cough medicine the whole day or maybe i am really just tired. haha. and after having lunch with them, i took 172 home to cousin's house. haha.

i slept all the way and walked dreamily to the block. and downstairs, i happen to see Ah Huat and this time round, i din overshot the unit. -.-

had dinner at their house before going out to get sweettalk then to play badminton..

had a crazy night. really crazy. crazy beyond description. haha.

and after a long night, we went home and i attempt to watch the documentary but the medicine make me doze off every now and then. so no choice, bamb. i sleep like a pig after that

should i go to class tonite? hmmm...

why are things the way they are now? -.- =C

looking forward to chalet!!! C=

ohya, the tap in office just leak again and the guys just came back from van pushing. the van and lorry are taking turns to break down. OMG.

oh ya, i dreamt of her again. this time round, puking blood and very sickly in the bed.

SICK SICK SICK

that has been on my nickname on MSN for quite somedays le. and it is being mentioned in the previous entries for MANY MANY MANY times le.

argh. i am not getting any better. hmm.

i am so free now, AGAIN. hmm. but i believe later things will be very chaotic. haha. i shall go try to see if the dvd are in good conditions. C=

oh tonight, hmm. its lao bei's birthday, do you think i will get to meet the not-drunk-him? haha. i doubt so.

thinking of going over to grandma house to bai bai. hmm. maybe i should, or maybe i should bring and ask the others to go along as well.

hmm. something STUNNING happened at work. oh my goodness, cannot image they are THAT childish. no other words to describe le la. really BUAI TAHAN.

byebye. thats all i can tell the person and we shall see what will happen to the company.

poor partner of his. trying to cover up for him and got himself into deep shit also. oh no.

hmm. we shall see. hmm.

TOMORROW~! WHEE~!

should i get off tomorrow to go to the docs? or maybe i should go in the afternoon? all this is killing me. argh.

did i mention that i have a funny mama?

Case One:
Mei and mama went into the new lift.
Mei pressed 5th storey
Come out from the lift at 5th storey.
Mama: EEK! how come look so different? How come we are at 5th floor?!

Mei: Its the new lift ma!

Mama: The new lift can reach 5th floor meh?!

Mei: ...

Mama: OH...! HAHAHA


Case Two:
Me, Mei and Mama sitting in the living room, discussing about my cough and flu.

Me: The instructor at the first aider course say maybe i am down with Upper Respiratory Tract Infection. He ask me go see doctor to get medicine and antibiotics.

Mama: Ask your go take the cough syrup dont listen, can recover de. And, dont take antibiotics, it is not good, later nothing can cure you when you get worse next time.

Me: I know too much antibiotics not good la... but i also dont want to take the cough syrup. No use de.

Mama: The cough syrup no use, better than nothing.

Me: Dont want, later get sudden bad cough and i will cough like crazy.

(I dont remember mama replying me)
15 minutes later

Me(attempting to sneeze but fail): I should have gone to get the Panadol for flu!!! my nose is super itchy and its killing me!

Mama: Buy what medicine? Take the medicine no use de la.

Me: ...!!! HAHA. you just now still ask me go take the cough syrup!!!! hahahahahaha.

Mama (suddenly realise that she is contradicting herself, laughing): Oh ya hor, haha. go take the hot drinks for flu and cold la.

SUPER -.- lor.... my lao bu. hahaha

Oh ya, this remind me, i have a difficult time trying to sneeze. ah. and it dont feel good to not be able to sneeze. :(

.::here to post again::.

i seriously think i should stop posting new post like 2 times a day.

but dude. i dont care, i am just way too bored.

:P took a small nap for about 20minutes just now because i am really feeling very sick. i hope i can have the courage to take the saturday off.

and i now see the need to go shopping la... i need a dark coloured cardigan, or maybe a white one. cause apparently i only have one brown one that i can wear now. hmm. how long will this last, i dont know but i know it is all a want, not a need.

mama dont see the need for me to get a lappy so she is not going to help me with application of installment. sianed. so that means, either i wait till i am 21, pay full amount or give up the idea. whatever it is, it is going to be a long wait, maybe other than the last decision.

i am blog hopping and i came across alot of links to those young mommies blog. so interesting...

hmm. no ones understand how much i have gone through, how much i have done those years. i dont have the courage to say it out. even to someone close.

i keep thinking, what will happen if....

so many 'what will happen if...'

i am missing companies. i need people to go out with me. i need supper. i want supper time, better with drinking but i realli gave up on the idea of drinking, seeing what it did to me and how it worsened my cough.

argh. faster recover! ok, i drank alot of water today le hor.

hmm. reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply reply my sms~!

ARGH. my boss cannot sign off from cape town, that means he will take about another week before he is back...

and CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. something stupid just happened.

i am eating alot recently, is my weighing machine spoil or something. hmmmmmm... how can i be only 47kg? hmmm.

looking forward to the occupational first aid course tonight! C= i like the way the instructor teach and conduct the class.

hmm. waiting for batteries to come before i go have my yun tun gou tiao! C=

.::SICK::.

JIE YIM IS SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK

all thanks to me being stubborn about getting a drink.

and so i did, i drown down a 500ml of Carlsburg and *poof* i woke up with a damn jialat sore throat. i thought beer is suppose to be cooling?!

hmm. i did drown down 500ml of water before i sleep, i bet that minimise the impact/damage.

ok, did i mention that i had fries again yesterday night? =s haha. maybe thats the reason why i am half dead here.

thinking if i should apply for half day leave on Saturday. hahaha.

maybe i will.

there goes my swimming plans on friday night. i dont think anyone in the correct mind, in my situation will go swimming. but but but but if i dont swim, jiu not much other chance le leh.

oh poor adi 2 piece swim suit, when was the last time i wear u?

haha. so so looking forward to the chalet. =D i think i will go havoc and become darn crazy la.

but whatever, now the thing top on my list is to recover. recover recover.

no more fries for me tonight and i will leave the beer till next time le. or maybe some kind soul will finish it for me.

better dont be my dad.

OH YA! I get scoldings from my mother EVERY SINGLE MORNING! simply over the fact that i cant wake up on my own. OMG. and by the time she wake me up, its darn late and i will fly to work in cab. i should put a stop to that TOMORROW! C=

hmm. yesterday was the 14th day. hmm. i will remember i have a very cute and funny grandma.

tomorrow is my dad's birthday. hmm. but i doubt he will be at home. he hardly celebrate his birthday.

and i hardly get to see a not-drunk-daddy.

my life is still BORING like before. classes till 9.30pm from monday to thursday, and i am left with FRIDAY! tell me what else i can do?

sianed.

the impossible of the 2, the 2 impossible. hoping and thinking. maybe miracle will happen. stupid me. as usual

.::BORED::.

YA da ya da ya da.

hmm. i m bored AGAIN. and those that i was chatting with SUDDENLY disappear all together.

sianed. and i am going to find something to do before i fall asleep.

reading blogs, there isnt endless blogs to read.

i feel so crap now, cos i am blogging like a noob but so be it.

when will i get to mahjong again?! i want to drink!!! that seems to be top on the list for me. :P

hmm. evil. but hmm.

having class tonight. and not to mention about yesterday night class, which was C.R.A.P. i was literally drawing flowers throughout the whole lesson LA! not that i dont want to pay attention but simply the lecturer also dont give it a damn. so why should i care?

and i did something amazing after class. i went to eat fries haha. yum but hmm, i took the risk of worsening my sore throat but apparently, it got better C=

i said the salt from the fries will make me better! and it did C=

hmm. i feel like bitching about something here but apparently i shouldnt, i should put a stop to all the bad things. hmm. so as not to spoil more relationships.

hmm. i was wondering, how much worse can he get? he is evil. very evil.

i cant access my hotmail account. die die die die die.

i am so looking forward to YEAR END! faster faster faster.

i am thinking of 2, 2 that are impossible.

.::BORED::.

Jie yim is super bored now. and she start to scream endlessly recently. someone talk to me please.



hmm. i want a drink more than anything but i dont have any available kaki.



ok, i choose to not approach them. hmm. i feel like writing in chinese. at least there is someone talking to me online....



hmm. there is someone there that i feel like smsing but it feel so impossible.

.::something exciting::.

something great and exciting is going to happen in 2 months time. hope i can drive by then, if not i would have to get someone who can drive to drive us there. haha.

and hmm. talked to alot of people today. hmm. and... i dont know what to say.

i am thinking about all the wrong things and the bad things that i should not have. IMPOSSIBLE

But... we are all weird things, thinking about the weird things and hoping something from it.

haha. sshhhh. everything is in my diary. =x so old liao still like a kid lidat. haha

at least, i feel better these days although i still choose to walk home from central, i think i am better le. hoping....

.::jieyim post more when is not happy::.

ok la, actually i am not really not happy or something.

other than the fact that my dad scolded me last night, the stupid circuit trip and for the first time, i tried to take a closer look at the circuit board and in the midst of going up the table, i step right through a plastic stool, with my foot stuck in the stool. other than a cut, we manage to salvage the situation and get the electricity for the aircon running again.

other than the above mentioned, i also have a bloody sister, sitting at the corner of my bed studying for her exam. did i mention that she start to take out her book to study only at 12 midnight?! and bloody hell, she asked me stupid chemistry questions that are so so so important for her test the next day! ok, i did help her. but i have the urge to send her flying to the floor any moment.

just when i shut her up when i realised its 12.45AM, i heard the holy sound again~~! and there goes my aircon for the night, the circuit trip again and we just decide to not do anything to it and just sleep without aircon. ARGH.

and i had a nice cooling night with my windows closed, door closed. while my mom and sister shared a standing fan at their doors.

tell me, how can i leave the room open when i have 2 dogs at home and a big pile of notes and worksheet on the floor just next to my door. argh. nvm.

and so generally, i have a really good sunday.

... hmm. actually, there is something good la. i finally decide on the chalet. just hope there is no pangseh cases. and hmm.

sometimes, somethings are just not meant to be. over sensitive is not something good. it is wrong. wrong for whatever i am thinking now. so at least i am still afloat.

oh ya. i got the sickening sore throat flu from work! ARGH~~!

i dreamt of her

i dreamt of her on Tuesday night, dreamt of alot of roaches crawling around, surprised, i am not scared.

i was hitting the roaches and then someone told me, roaches went into ah ma's ear.

i wake up, realising that ah ma will never talk to us again.

and i dreamt of her last night. in my dreams, alot of us were in a vehicle. driving around and somehow, we see something and we all start to cry. because of her.

i walked past a funeral ytd night. i heard whatever that i heard on Tuesday night and it felt bad, really bad.

time will wash away everything. one day, people will stop remembering her and we will all stop crying over her.

i will stop crying over her soon.

.::JieYim is SAD::.

I dint know she can affect me this much. i never expect myself to miss her so much, to think of her so much.

this all feels very weird, very wrong. i need company. if only she dint go away. if only those days dont end. if only nothing bad happen at that point of time.

there is no point asking who is right and who is wrong, because she is gone.

here goes.

i visited her on a Thursday with my sister, with my very very drunk daddy. on the way home, i 'scolded' my dad for skipping his job and going to visit ah ma everyday. i told him, 'i see her, i think she is ok and trust me, in less than one week, no one will come and visit her le'.

that sound harsh then. but i still said that.

the next day, i come home and my dad told me, 'really no one go and see her today'

i went to see her again on a Saturday. was happily telling her that the others are playing mahjong somewhere. she kept saying she want to cook and want to cook dinner for one of my uncle and herself.

then monday or tuesday, i heard she having fever le.

Thurday afternoon, a shock came. she is not ok le. i remember sitting there staring into space, not knowing what to do.

when i asked for permission to leave, tears well up without me knowing why.

it all feel so wrong, to have someone leaving me.

then i went to the hospital. ya, she really is not ok.

we were still joking around and then from morning 11am to 10pm, she struggled and then she is gone after meeting everyone that she want to meet.

i believe she felt indebt to her thats why she was the one that she was waiting for.

i dint see that moment when her heartbeat rate drop, i sent the ah yi po down.

anyway, i came back with people crying and alot of people walking out.

i stood there. watching and waiting. and we got to see her for the last moment.

i went down to get an aunt with my cousin and that look on my aunt face. shock? pale? no one knows how to react ba.

and thats the night end.

one of the days, someone came and i think alot of us were surprised and shocked. someone who used to take care of her came. she kneel down and she is in tears, so much that none of us can handle.

the next few days, all the rushing around and all my cabbing around and everything, everything became different on Tuesday night.

it just daunt on me and made me realise that my grandma realli realli realli passed away. the fooling aroudn the past few days is over, she is really gone.

all the walks, all the praying, i really dont know what to say, how to react. i dont even know how to cry.

she is gone.

.::The Rain::.

it has been raining these few days. it really feels very weird.

After all the fooling around and all the company that i had the past few days, now everything back to normal, it seems like we are all back to reality.

wads the truth? the truth is everything is different le.

i have heard so much, seen so much, even said so much these few days.

the void feeling.

true, when she is ok, no one cares. whats the point of me thinking now?

it is not sudden but it came fast.

speechless, dunno how to say. i think i am not the only one who felt this way

and maybe thats the reason why, the atmosphere at home ytd night feels so different from any other day.

not because we are all tired. but becuase we realise that everything has really come to an end.

i feel like crying. it feel so weird.

My grandmother passed away on the 25th September 2008.

i am not closed to her, but i enjoyed her company, i never hate her although she never really dote on us.

i am glad that she gave me such a big family and i am glad that she was there when i was unwell when i was young. but still somethings just have to end some day.

maybe to some one, we are all putting up an act. but i am sure i feel something and i went through more than what that hypocrite went through.

.::The cold weather::.

again, i am feeling cold. is it the weather or just me. i always ask myself this question.

maybe, really, sometimes, somethings are just too late.

i went somewhere that i haven been to for a long time. ok, 2 months is rather long.

if only i had the chance to talk before this happened or after that happened. maybe things would not be like that now.

please let me get busy. i dont want to be left with nothing to do.

i want to be tired and not wake up in the middle of the night.

or maybe, better still, dont wake up at all.

stupid. this was soemthing that i choose. why did it have to rain.

will things change again these few days?

kill me please

.::after so long::.

someone reminded that it is time to update my long dead blog.

someone told me something the other day and it totally caught me by surprise. dint know that such kind of people exist. to think that i am thinking about it all day and still...

there is this person who wasnt some good girl from the start. surprised me and i really dunno how to put it into words.

the children are innocent. adults should not abort a foetus just because the father is not responsible.

it is so cruel. so so cruel. how she dared to put herself in all these kind of danger.

sometimes, somethings are just hard to say.

regrets are something to live with for life.

a walk home last night. long walk. an injured ankle for a few days for god-knows-what-reason, it just hurts.

sometimes many things just come back at once. i m sorry but maybe i am realli too late.

i dont know. it is different

.::NDP 2008::.

Always wanted to post an entry regarding NDP or give a 'touching' speech because there are really people who touched my heart during NDP. but i just dont seem to have the time to do it.

So many things changed these weeks and days. and i dont like what i am actually going through. not the working part but just something personal. something not nice is happening.

New work, everyday work and i am looking forward to the courses that i will get to take.

looking forward to NDP thank you party and i suppose i will be back next sunday. i hope i will go back and i still owe Loris and Doris from PA stuff. shit. siam. haha. i will hand in the NDP soon. i think it will be tonite.

sinking into the vicious cycle although i know it is not right. i thought i told myself to never let that happen to me again.
shit him, why did he let me see him and him talking? if i dint see what happened, things wouldnt be like that now.
and this is the vicious cycle of hoping, and then disappointment comes along.
i crossed my line. knowing that i did, i still hope and i still get disappointed.
JIEYIM! hoping for both the best for me and the ............