.::NDP end::dont talk to me about my blog face-to-face::.

~*things are over*~
~*when will we meet again?*~

suffering from post ndp saddness... everything end le...

i was alright that night... i was still consoling a girl from guides cause she was so sad that things had ended...she miss the food the rehearsals the place the people the marshals the other guides and the wonderful experience...

i think i don not feel that sad because i know i will have a chance to see those dancers again... as long as i go back to pa i will get to see them...

but i have to admit... i do feel abit sad... those few people who helped us and let our things run smoothly, they are the ones who 'feed' us...oop... the ones who brought us food and guide us around... thanks to (especially)CK and ZhiXiang... i think i didnt remember wrongly... that should be their name... we were kind of crapping away when art 1 started... didnt really do that a few practice ago... thanks

they are really the ones whom we dont know when will meet again...and even if meet... will we still rememeber each other... they really helped us alot...

i am feeling worse day by day... things end le... should i go for practice this sunday? i still thinking... haix... cut cut cut...everything have to end...

i want to take part in ndp again next year!!! i dont care!!! haha...

thanks to all the people who have helped us in one way or another... without anyone...things would not be that good... and lucks to all of them... that zhixiang going japan to study lor... attachment... glad to have know these people... wonderful people they are...

come the serious part...

please dont come and talk to me about my blog and what i had blogged... cause i seriously dont think talking to me about what i had blog is necessary...

at the point of time when i am blogging, i am feeling sad and down... i woke up early morning feeling happy and was hypering feeling super happy all the way... until... dont come and remind me what i have blogged... dont blame me for being hostile cause when your tried to talk about what had happened on my blog... it may not make me feel sad but it will definitely make me feel bad... bad as in bad mood...

get the facts right... why bother to come and talk to me when what is written on my blog is what i am thinking? this is MY blog.. i have the rights to type anything... sad or pessimistic or fake... why bother to come and tell me those things? you have the choice to not read MY blog right? click on the cross up there and everything will settle and i will feel happier...

but i dont mind people commenting on my blog on my tag... i just down want to let my blog have the chance to spoil my day... whenever i read my blog... i am preparing to feel bad...cause usually would not be too happy after blogging...

whatever it is...whether or not you are feelingafter reading this entry, i dont really care...i dont want to be hostle face to face thats why i didnt really say anything even though i was not very happy then...i dont really know why...but i know you kind of spoil my day...and i believe that will never again... am i right?

sorry for being quite straight...

and to all...any comments,besides regarding blogskin or layout,others please keep it to tag or email me...

~*things seems straight*~
~*but i can say*~
~*it is not the straightest way*~
~*EVERYTHING had ended*~
~*temporary...i know*~

.::selfish me huh?::.

~*why?*~

i am having a hard time to concentrate on my studies now...i am tempted to go back... i really am...but i know i cant... i told myself i cant...

i want to know what is going on in NHDS... i want to know how everyone is doing there... i want to know all the latest things... i want to know that everyone is ok...

i want to know all those...but just somehow recently i got selfish...

i want to have better grades for MYSELF so i choose to cut off ties with NHDS... temporary...
i have this another selfish thought... ever since i stop going back for ALL the practice during the june holidays... or even sometime before that... i sensed drifting... i kind of feel like someone extra trying to dig out some info that people actually dont realli wish to tell me...

things like who and who stead... things like what is actually really going on underneathe... what they are thinking and stuff... i am never updated... i am updated but not by them personally sometimes... i just have this feeling... dont know why... i hate that feeling...

i know i am selfish to have that thought...

how to just get in touch with them when i dont even go back? i just skip a few lesson during the june holidays and i feel lost when i am with them... cause i dont know what is really going on... no one seems willing to tell me until i really begged... selfish i am

another selfish thought... why must it always be me helping them... when will they turn around and help me? how many people out there that i am trying to help actually come and read my blog? if they really treasure me... they will try ways and means to know what is going on to me... they approached daryl... if daryl cant answer them, they should have come to my blog... and they will know everything... dont tell me they dont know my blog... even someone from cresent know my blog... if they dont, then i really dont know how to react

i am selfish now... i have a dozen of reasons to keep me from going back...

i want to spend more time on my studies... i dont want to be retained...

i dont want to go back and face all those politics... i am tired

i dont want to face the risk of being stabbed... i m scare

i dont want to hear anymore accusation from other batches... i am sick of that... although i appear like i dont care at all

i dont want to go back and hear all those things that other seniors are talking about... what they are saying just make me feel that dance is getting more and more complicated...

i dont want to go back and see people changing from who they are now to someone whom i dont even know... someone had changed... i sensed that change... i no longer respect that person like before le...

i dont want to go back and help the kids... how to help them when they are not helping themselves... i dont have time for that

i dont want to help them cause it is always one-way... i am tired and being selfish here...

i dont want to go back and be used by them again... tell my name to a teacher without letting me know before hand... what is this? come to me only when you need me... it is darn obvious what those few are really thinking... i just dont want to spell everything out...

but now i really dont care consequences le... let me be selfish cause i am really tired...

i feel like an idiot... i hate that feeling of going after people for updates when they dont seem willing to tell me... so am i suppose to do that? how to continue when everything is just one-way

it has being so long... they have grow... is it my fault that i choose not to go back during the june holidays... the drift is caused by me... but is it really just my fault? there are just things that they choose to keep to themselves... they choose to not tell me... not i choose not to listen in the first place...

how many people out there really know what i am thinking? so few... i want to be happy... but i cant...

maybe it should just be a senior-junior relationship between me and everyone since the start...

there will be someone out there cursing this stupid girl again and someone out there telling me that what i feel is not the truth... but that is just what i sensed and what i feel... i choose to believe my heart...

kill me... i am so so so tired of everything...

maybe these 2 months i will get use to life without NHDS and never go back after that... who knows what will happen after these 2 months right? everything in life is unexpected... just like i didnt expect this bond to make me cry so many times in these few years...

i am numbed by everything...should i be even more selfish and not even care about them at all?
i feel guilty... sorry koonhui... i didnt mean to flare up today... i didnt mean to cut the line... i am just so not in the good mood today...

i feel guilty that i have such a good friend like koonhui but i am not always there for him... the old me even sort of quarrelled with him because of them... i am such a GREAT friend too...

maybe everything should just end that day when i graduated...

please dont expect me to be always be there for your when your are not there for me most of the time... or should i say NEVER?got some exception... i dont really remember... there is about 20 of you there and just one me here... how to be there for most of you all the time?

we are in different phrase of life... different commitment...your are not the only ones in MY LIFE...

i dont want to be the mother again... i hate being one... i am so tired and scare... cause i dont know what may happen in the future... and i hate putting on a mask when i am facing some of them...i am tired!!!

i dont want anymore responsibilities... i am stressed

i haVE dozens of reasons to stop me from going back... so i would not go back...

my dog is cuter than them... at least things are simpler and much more beautiful...

~*maybe it is all crap to some of you*~
~*maybe your dont even care*~
~*maybe i am just a passer by*~
~*maybe your are just passer by*~

~*What did i lose?*~
~*what did i gain?*~

i don't know... things were ok when i made the decision... i decide to stop dancing for the time being until after my promos... i was ok then... but as the time draws near for my decision to be in place, i feel lost... sad and uncertain...

mabe someone out there is thinking that...: jieyim, this girl here is just like some other people who used to be from NHDS... come back and help... simply for the sake of POWER... now she is getting tired of the POWER, she is moving on and never coming back to NHDS anymore...

who understands? i am feeling lost now... maybe you think it is only for show... lost because of the uncertainty... cause i know drifting will occur if i choose to let go temporary... god knows what will happen after this period of time? will things still be the same? will friendship still be the same? i don't think so... i don't have faith in myself... not the people out there...

i want to be there for them now that new things are in place... i am worried... but sometimes i just think that they have to learn... so i should not go back... that is one of the reason bah...

i know it is my choice to stop temporary... people telling me that it is ok one lah... sometimes you juat have to let go for a while... i know that... i know that all along... my brain accepted that but my heart dont... so what can i do? what people are telling me now are things that i expected from them...

maybe i should just be like jeremy... stupid a little bit... dun think so much, dont play mind games and when people console you, you will feel happy... cause they are telling you happier things that you never hear or thought of before... but that is not what i am going through now... i gave things thoughts and i expected what people around me might tel me... so everyhing is just pointless when it comes out from their mouth...

please dont come and ask me to go back to NHDS... i am tired of telling people that i wouldnt go back until after my promos with those kind of serious attitude... cause i know in my heart... it hurts to say those words... it hurts to say NO... i want to go back... i can find reasons to NOT go back but i cant find reasons to go back ...

you dont need a reason to go back... but you need a dozen of reasons to keep you from going back...

dont try to make me cry...

you will never know that feeling until you went through so much with people there... not people from your batch... not just 4 years there but alot more... a few months more is more than enough to let you feel sad...

ok...someone out there may think i am saying all these for show again... think whatever your want... i dont care cause i know this is my blog and i say what i want and what i feel... this is realli how i am feeling now...i juts hope for understanding from people around me who knows me well...

~*there is always somethings you had to let go*~
~*let go for something else*~~*now it is STUDIES over DANCE*~
~*accept it silly HEART*~

++telling myself things will be same after everything...
++telling myself to not go back
++telling myself i am not doing everything for myself only++telling myself to be happy
++telling myself you are doing the right thing
++telling myself to be happy
++my brain says i am doing the right thing but myheart says iam not
++what is this?


NDP rocks... i will miss it... cause i got alot new friends... hor? octopus? haha...
when i visited octopus blog... kind of shocked to see the blog title as octopus... never expect that... cause it was for fun when we started mentioning octopus... maybe she is not refering to me... but i am still glad that we had fun!!!

and to chuyun huh... haha... i will always remember what you say one... eekie words... nope... it is eekie way of saying... haha... memories... i call them memories...

~*thanks for all the laughter*~
~*thanks for cheering me up when i was down*~
~*thanks for the birthday wishes*~
~*thanks for eating the pratas...*~
~*thanks for eating the KFC...*~
~*thanks for eating the ice cream...*~
~*thanks for eating the nasi lemak...*~
~*thanks for eating the dry burgers...*~
~*thanks for eating the CHICKEN PIE...*~
~*thanks for eating the curry puffs...*~
~*thanks for eating the chicken rice...*~
~*thanks for drinking the NEWater...*~
~*thanks for drinking the H2O...*~
~*thanks for drinking the paopao guo dong...*~
~*TOGETHER*~
~*thanks for being there...*~
~*your were there when i was down*~

c=

i will be ok!!!

.::an end for now::.

~*as the day draw near*~
~*i start to feel the pain*~
NDP is coming to an end soon... that means my decision must set in place soon... as in... i have to stop dancing... till after promos in october... ok...saddening

so be it bah... going to study outside...hehe...and now have to try and wake her up... study time!!!
~*why things have to come to and end?*~
~*i knowis not forever*~
~*but i am sad and scare*~

.::what can i do?i am always left without a choice::.

~*there is just nothing for me to type*~

i think i am getting too sensitive sometimes...or should i say over sensitive... thinking too much into things making me feel bad... not really bad...just keep thinking about it... and stoning away

darn cold today... and the whole class is just so dead la...

i hardly sleep during tutorial... but the room was so cold that i cant bring myself to do anyting...so i just doze of...=p

anyway... sometimes i just think that my sister is just not senstive enough... but what can i say?

i stayed up late to accompany her...just now she asked mi help her iron her uniform... easy job... so i said ok... then veri late le... i scare my mother come out scold cause i haven switch off the tv... so i asked sis whether can help mi switch off the tv cause to me she seems to be on her way out...

she just said no... and i started thinking why... i asked her why she dont want to help me... her reply was... 'i helped you last night le'... abit shocked...

i waited for her for countless nights... i help her iron her uniform... ok... i may not be there for her to ask question all the time... but i will do things for her if i can...

so...am i suppose to blame myself for not holding myself properly as a elder sis or should i blame her bad temper...

this was not the first time... our relationship just revolve around her mood... she happy... everything ok... if not then very hard to say..

i know she changed for the better alot le... but cant she see that i changed too? no more f words directed to her or said at home...

i say she selfish... then she started saying i bimbo... ok... your sis here is bimbo...

i go out in SUPER MINI SKIRTS ALL THE TIME...
i go out in SUPER BIMBOIC CLOTHES ALL THE TIME...
i walk AND LET MY BUTT GUIDES THE WAY ALL THE TIME...
i speak in those SUPER ACT CUTE VOICE ALL THE TIME...
i put SUPER MANY COLOURFUL HAIR CLIPS ALL THE TIME...
i tie my hair in SUPER BIMBOIC STYLE ALL THE TIME...

can she like just go and find out what a bimbo really is?...before she start insulting me and disgracing herself?

maybe sometimes i am when i say words like 'WHATEVER' but that was solely for fun... 'WHATEVER' with the 'WHATEVER'action is darn bimbo... i know that... so i never do that again ever since jeff said it was bimboic...

what is this... what kind of sister she want... if she really want to comment me... then i rather she say i LIAN... cause i admit i like to ACT LIAN... happy???

~*i am not the guai little girl all the time*~ ~*step on my tails and you die... *~

my patience is limited... so far she is the only one whom i am treating nicely even when i am maligned by her for so many things for so many times...

~*she stepped on my tail le*~

but i cant bring myself to treat her badly... but does anyone knows how bad it feels when she malign you...you treat her nicely... and the next moment she is shouting at you again...

what is this?

~*my keyboard is wet again*~
~*because of her again*~

.::bored::.

~*bored me*~
~*don't know what to blog*~

haha... life is like that... how you wish you can do something... but you realised that you don't know how to do it...

no link... i dont know how to continue wit this topic... so i shall go on to another...

aniway...

i realised i was kind of too dependent on my horoscope le... izzit good orbad? i dont know... hehe...

no link again... and i dont know how to continue le... haix... so be it again

jiayou nanhua people... sec4... jiayou for prelims... others... next week ct le ah... choing ah...

haha... mi aft ndp stop bahs... test coming after ndp... die...

~*jia you*~
~*jia you*~
~*jia you*~

.::maybe it is crap, but it matters::.

~*why are things changing again?*~
~*what am i thinking?*~
~*should it be the last?*~

life is fun... real fun during NDp...but come to think of it, there is no more practice until the actual day le... i will miss it...

didnt know why i joined ndp in the first place... i think i joined for fun... but all i can say i totally enjoy the experience... and the company... maybe not the food... but definitely all those nice friends not just people around me now but also those from other dance groups... haha... we actually stood there and comment on a lady with extremely short skirt... so short the we can see what is under those skirt... mind you ... that lady is FAT... haha...

nice to know new friends... ahaha... they are cool people...

anyway... thanks to that army guy, CK... haha... i think without him we will die... haha... he is the one in charge of centre stage dancers... he brought us food and stuff lah... haha...

that guy acting as stamford raffles stood next to me on preview that day lah... lol.. darn funny... changed so many partner since the first day... keep changing position somemore...

haha...

haix... should i get involved? i know it is time to stop... but it is just so tempting... to work with professionals, in a total new place... that is damn cool... but i know i would not be able to cope... cause the trainings just let me reach home very late... the next day i will die...

haix... see how things goes...


]]hope

]]is something that someone gives you

]]the greater the hope

]]the greater the disappointment

]]so you tell yourself

]]dont accept the hope given to you

]]you appeared like you didnt accept

]]but deep down

]]you know you did

]]how bad does that feels?

]]you never know

]]until one day you felt the disappointment

]]then you realise that...

]]ever since the day he talk to you

]]ever since the day he is good to you

]]ever since the day he is nice to you

]]ever since the day he gives you hope

]]you have accepted everything

]]everything that comes along with him

]]his entry into your life

]]you know everything makes a difference

]]you know he make a difference

]]you thought everythings will be different

]]you choose to hold on

]]he continues

]]giving hope without realising that he is

]]you continue

]]accepting without appearing that you are

]]maybe without realising you are

]]you are disappointed again

]]disappointed not just due to lost of hope

]]but also disappointed with your failure

]]failure to control yourself

]]your mind

]]your thinking

]]your actions

]]your words

]]your heart

]]but even when that day comes

]]you continue

]]until one day

]]when he realise he is giving hope

]]and he stop

]]then you will stop

]]the hope that he gave me

]]now or future

]]i dont know how long

]]one thing for sure

]]i will only keep accepting and hoping

]]until one day he stop

]]i yearn for that day to come

]]not because i yearn for disappointment

]]but because i yearn for what comes after that

]]a better life

]]a new life


#what is this?

#just some thoughts

#thoughts that played around with hope

#resulting in disappointment

#those 2 words are part of life

#just like how important water is

#cause it is just part of life

#just like waiting

#everyone is born to wait

#whole life

#for the ultimate thing

#death

#departure to eternity

.::the leaving is only temporary::.

~*what should i type?*~
~*i don't know*~

okies... it has been quite sometime since i last blog... so here i shall blog before people start spamming and asking me to update...

anyway... recent life was cool with my clas... i finally feel some bond with them and school is doing fine... going to study well... al atleast above D... can promote i happy le...

anyway... not that i totally give up on NHDS or something... just that there are always different piorities in different phase of life for different people... and for me, currently, studies is much much mre important...

and no offence to all... i am also sick of hearing what is going on in NHDS... i miss the people there but... why make things so hard to all... to me, things there are no longer simply dance and making friends... somehow, i realise that you can't survive there if you are not sensitive to fakers... cause you never know whether that person smilling at you now may actually have a mask on his or her face...

anyway... it is really no offence... and i don't really care about the things...

for all i know... dance will move on... dance will continue to rock people's world... so be it... don't come and ask me whether something hit me or something that cause me to think this way or something... just enlightened... thats all

okies... so i should be mugging now... erm... but what am i doing here? oopx... =x... hahaha... anyway... i want HARRY POTTER... the Ebook can read le... but... greedy me don't feel right with the e book... guess i have to wait for my friends to lend me when they finish it...

i should get along with mugging... 2 months to promos!!! what am i doing here???

~*falling in and knowing i will get out soon*~
~*and hope it is real soon*~
~*it feels good to have an empty heart*~

.::post bday>>mei po day::.

~*i had fun today*~
~*at least today was better than yesterday*~

it is really nice when you feel nothing on your shoulders... no responsibility and everything... life just go on... it is true that things will seem better if you just take a step back and look at things from another point of view...

suddenly i just realised that people around me who used to seem mature is actually not that mature... erm... i shall not name...

and i also realise that people whom i think will never heed advices given to them actually do heed advices...

erm... nice... the world just seems to be getting nicer and happier and a better place to live in... erm... haha...

maybe i changed... over the night? what is this? haha...

i feel kind of bad... cause i just told mr low that i don't wish to take part in 6th august the performance... i just say... 'erm...mr low, i don't wish to take part 6th august the performance...' i cant believe ijust say like that... feel kind of bad although i think he will understand... he knows everything... he is the best teacher in the world... and i think alot of peole will agree to this...

today had fun being mei po... with kailing... but today is another time wheereby i get to experience those bad feeling... the bad feeling refers to having to smile although i am not feelng ok... cause today had headache... so when it was our turn... i was forcing myself to smile... until on the way back to PA... i took a quick nap then things got better... c=

i am wondering whether NDP should be the last for this year? i really don't know... but definitely i will go for the workshop on 4th september...

~*thanks for everything*~
~*to everyone*~

.::not the best but not the worst::.

~*Happy birthday to me*~
~*thanks ACTIVE hOTLINEs*~

after what happened on the 22 july... i feel very depressed... bad mood and stuff continued till 23 july...

when i was on 985 to PA... i suddenly have the urge to just let go of everything... i don't want anymore responsibility on my shoulder le... i am just so sick and tired of taking charge... why take charge when i am so bothered by how others look and feel?

maybe i will be happier without having any responsibility...

when i reach PA... i was not in the best of mood... until i reach padang... things got abit better... called the 2 active hotlines... one of them came over...

haha... these bad 2 days... all thanks to the 2 active hotlines arh... hee...

when i was waiting at gate 5 for our turn to perform... i finally know how bad it feels... i am not happy and yet i have to smile as though nothing is wrong... the performance went on... it is not the bes... i keep doing the wrong things.. .maybe i was not paying full attention...

i think it is good that he didn't come today... if not i will be even more pissed...

then when i was on my way back to PA from padang... i started crying after my mother hang up the phone... i doubt anyone saw...

i feel darn bad... the whole family have to wait for me... wait for me to cut cake... rush home after that...

had a lot of surprise from people... as in friends... i didn't expect them to remember my birthday... thanks to ken junying and serena... thanks alot...

feeling better now... jus abit sad... this is definitely one of the worst birthday... but nonetheless, i am glad that i still have friends with me...

finally... great thanks to the ACTIVE HOTLINEs again... SzePheng and JinWei... thanks for listening and all the HAPPY BIRTHDAYs

~*It is true that when you do not think that much you feel happier*~
~*I only realised that when my birthday is officially over*~
~*Thanks for everything*~

.::Happy birthday to me... don't cry girl::.

~*i never really know*~
~*why cant you understand?*~
~*i thought you understood*~
~*until you said those words again*~

my father asked me why people give me shirt... i say tomorrow my birthday... then he say... so tomorrow what time come home? i say 11plus... then he said something that makes me feel that he think i am staying out late purposely... then i said i will behome at around 11 plus for the second time and he said... 'don't forget what you promised me'... i thought he wouldnot say those words again... but he did...

am i suppose to feelsad or angry or something else?... it has been 3 years since i last celebrate my birthday with my family... and these three years i only got one cake... or should i say for the past few years... i only have one cake... i choose to not have cake and have pizza instead in the past... but recent years, i yearn for cake but i no longer seems to have time for it... i remember how i spent my last few birthdays...

2003, SYF is on the 24 july... so on 23 july i amsuppose to sleep early... i slept at around 8 or 9... there goes my birthday...

2004, Cultural Potpourri is on the 24 july and i am also suppose to rest early on the 23 july... so there goes my birthday too...

this year... tomorrow is NDP... i will be out at noon and only reach home at around 11plus... i want to spend it with my family... but... will it be the same next year?

i dont know why am i suddenly so sad again... i know my friends are with me... i know... i am suppose to try to be happy and smile more often...

maybe it is really time for me to let go of everything... but i cant...

haix... let it be... look on the bright side... i have fireworks for my birthday tomorrow?!

haha...whatever... it is not funny at all... if it is... i would not be sad now...

~*i thought he understand*~
~*but he don't...*~
~*if he does, he would not say those words AGAIN*~

.::NHDS and NDP::.

~*why did i realised all this when it is somehow so late le*~
~*but i know there is still things that i can do*~

she is not that bad afterall... she may not be the best, but she is still better than the others...

i give up on playing the game... that is game for kids... go and think... what is your ultimate aim? why bother to go through so much to get things done your way when you will not get what you ultimately want... everything bottom down to what you are thinking inside... yes... inside your heart...

just let things be the way it should be... no one have time for all these child's play...

less than 3 months to my promos... WORK HARD!!!

I want to watch RAPTURE... why can't i go? since i am in it le den be committed bah... i want to go out with my class...

went to 88th dinner!!! happy... haha... i sit up stairs leh... happy... Alumni seems so fun... haha... i tink i will join if i haf the time... haha...

met up with sze pheng and jinwei on tue... keep on telling me to study,,, i will,... haha... go and mug now...

.::NDP and NHDS::.

~*why did i realised all this when it is somehow so late le*~
~*but i know there is still things that i can do*~

she is not that bad afterall... she may not be the best, but she is still better than the others...

i give up on playing the game... that is game for kids... go and think... what is your ultimate aim? why bother to go through so much to get things done your way when you will not get what you ultimately want... everything bottom down to what you are thinking inside... yes... inside your heart...

just let things be the way it should be... no one have time for all these child's play...

less than 3 months to my promos... WORK HARD!!!

I want to watch RAPTURE... why can't i go? since i am in it le den be committed bah... i want to go out with my class...

went to 88th dinner!!! happy... haha... i sit up stairs leh... happy... Alumni seems so fun... haha... i tink i will join if i haf the time... haha...

met up with sze pheng and jinwei on tue... keep on telling me to study,,, i will,... haha... go and mug now...

.::be with someone who love you more than you love him::.

~*be with someone who love you more than you love him*~
~*you will be happier that way*~

get that into everyone's mind...haha... and i understand that... i am just scare that it will be unfair to the one who love me... cause i am not loving him enough... haha... that is just what i am thinking just now when i was bathing... and i came up with this clever thought... clever me huh... lol... whatever

back to today... NDP overall not very well... cause we changed the formation for the front part, before the wave part... so for the first few minutes, the chinese and the indians are not on the stage... okies... i can oli say everything was very luan...

next week dont know got who wedding... we need to perform also... sounds slack...haha... sounds fun... but i amhaving problem with my face sia... BREAK OUTS... sobs... all those make up and late nights and stuff... sad sia... help... haha...

okies... i came up with the clever conclusion when i was bathing because i was thinking about someone... haha... someone whom i dont even know his name and dont even know his particular... only know that he was kind of grapping attention... haha... saying his number out loud and doing some stupid things... so i was just thinking... maybe... erm... haas... just can say that let love come and find you... haax... whatever.. no link

could have gone to tomorrows 88th dinner one... but that stupid ms ban no time to change name with the police... so most likely is cannot go... haha... if can go then really cool sia... pay half he price to sit on top... muahahahaha... but i doubt i can go... sobs...

~*love knows its way*~
~*let it come to you*~
~*only then will it be right*~

.::Family is important::.

~*family is important*~

thanks for being there... there is nothing much i can talk about... i can only say that family play a big part...and i can finally spend aSUNDAYwith my family le!!!

.::Life moves on::.

~*Life move on*~
~*one life, live it*~
~*used countless times*~

Realise mine title kept repeating? Cause the same thingsjust keep surfacing...
I am always fretting over stupid things... and fail to get myself to take care of the important things...

I read from someone blog and was sumhow and someway enlighted...

Life is just filled with ALONE-ness... you maybe spending alot of time with people whom you don't know and passer-bys... but that is just physically... what about your emotions? when you are with the crowd, are you always thinking about the crowd? or are you alone somewhere in some deep thoughts?

at that time... the you, with the crowd, is only a shell... a empty shell that only few can manage to see... while the rest just see you as someone, all heart, body and soul with them...

i realise that most of the time i am ALONE in my thoughts in somewhere even when i am with a big crowd... i think that is the reason why i hate big crowds... more people there, more people you have to notice of and try not to let them know you are thinking of something else...

there are just countless of passer by in my life and in yours... that person may play an important in your life... but who knows the next day he or she may just leave you...

i agree to the fact that we all came into the world alone and leave the world alone... in the end, all the people around you will end up being just passer by... cause they can't leave the world with you most of the time...

lying in the bed every night...
have you ever think about what will happen tomorrow?
will you still be alive?
will you still be able to see that friend of yours?
when was the last time you met a particular person?
if you are to pass away now, what will be your deepest regret?

from all of the above, i only know that i still do somehow, miss him... just that abit of feeling... cause i am trying to put things under my control... stop missing him and having feelings for him... give me time... that day will come... i kept telling myself that... but when will that day come? i have no idea... =)

went for NDP today... for all i know is sometimes you ahouldstill hang out with the crowd...it does makes me feel better... but i don't like the way the day is ended... maybe i shouldn't even...

i shall not continue... with that stupid thing that is going on in my mind... it has no link

from all i can say... there are just things that i can never have it announced in my blog... how i wish i can just blog everything down... but i can't... not just this incident but also alot from the past... what i have written here are just kind of misleading... i just want to lead readers away from things that i really wish to say but i can't... guilty... but the situations do not allow me to blog everything...

coming into and leaving the world alone, link me back to the fact that we are waiting from the day we were born... the day we were born... we are waiting to be fed... waiting to grow up... waiting to nurture the next generation... and most importantly waiting for death... should i be sad that WAITING and being ALONE is just part of life? i have no idea... so i choose to accept it and do nothign to it except bringing it up and talk about it every now and then...kind of dumb... but... what can i do?

to her: i am ok... at least i think i am... or should i say at least i am ok in the days... haas...

yah... i realise another thing... i am just kind of FAKE... or should i say darn FAKE... seriously... i may seem ok, but i may not be ok...

i hate night time... the time when i am ALONE... alone to face the whole world... but did your ever realise that you a ejust more daring at night? it is because of the fact that at night you are in your own world... whatever you decide to do, you pay less consideration to what the world and people around you will think of you... so mostly DARING things are done at night...

HAHA... clever me... clever analysation... bleh... =P keke... whatever... ;)

oh ya... and i realis eanother thing.. most people gets moody, and i mean extremely moody at night... there are just people with you in the day to 'support' you... when night time comes, you realise that no matter what happen, you are still alone... the world is just the audience... with the support gone, you just choose to let yourself go moody...

and it could also be due to the fact that during the day you have to control your mood to suit the world... at night you just choose not to care... cause at night, the world just do not seems that scaring...
i am tired... tired of whatever that is going on... at times i feel like a failure... i have no idea why...

~*be happy*~
~*live in your own HAPPY LAND*~
~*help to build up others too*~
~* ;) *~

.::i try to think from another way::.

~*i realise the feeling is still there*~
~*i tried to feel how it would feel like to treat him like a normal friend*~
~*but the feeling is weird*~

i thought through the night... i realise that there are just somethings that just cant be let go off so easily... time will heal... i know that... hee... give me time...

there are just so many thigs happeneing around me... there are limited things that i can blog... cause i seriously dont see the point for blogging some things like HAPPY stuff unless they are really interesting...

the feeling is very bad... somehow... inside... but no longer that intese... cause i accepted the fact that things are just like that... things can change very suddenly... just whether i want or not...

for all i can say... i just feel stupid for sinking myself into all these things and making myself suffer... but now things turn out to be good... i got some good things in return... they are HAPPY... they are living in their HAPPY LAND... while i live in mine... this is better than all of us suffering...

no one is at fault... no one should apologise... except maybe for me for dragging people into this situation to feel sad together with me... i am very guilty... all i can say is i appreciate all the listening ears that people lend me... or offer me...

whatever happen, just stay HAPPY... i know your will... and if there is anything that you need help... come to me... i will be more than willing to help... ;)

to anonymous... not that i dont want you to tag... but just the fact that i dont like the idea of people hiding something from me... anf finally of all... thank you for being there... :)

.::sorries::.

~*sorry for turning to you when i am feeling down*~
~*thanks for being there and listening*~

seriously, i don't know who is it who tag those message...i will cheer up... give me time... i have to... i don't have a choice... life have to move on... i seem to have so much things to say but i can't... i seem to have alot of things to tell them in their face but i know i can't...

i don't know whether my intuition this time round is accurate or not... maybe i am thinkng too much... i shall not say it out... i don't know how others will look at me if i let them know it...

i know there are people out there who care for me... i know thatall along... but even if people care, things still bottoms down to me whether i want to tell them about what is going on in my life... i choose not to... not because i don't have trust in them but because i wish to keep things down and i don't want to drag others into this stupid thing of mine... this is really one BIG stupid thing that i got myself involved in... but... they happy can le...

i am thinking about something... i don't know i got that thought to make myself feel better or it is really true... by the way... the thought is just the same as my intuition... haix... i shall not continue on this thought and intuition thingy...

i am starting to think maybe i should just let go... seems like i am left without a choice, do i? and who is anonymous? not say hate it when people don't leave their name lah... but just that i don't like the feeling... the feeling of not knowing something... just don't like peope to keep things from me...

just smsed my friend... thanks for everything... i have decided to let go... haas... things just seems that easy now... cause i had such a bad time these few days... so i willbe a happy person again tomorrow... i will try my bestest to be happy... i promise myself... hee... my target... by this weekend... i will let go... but i think i will still have hope...

~*jie yim lived in HAPPY LAND*~
~* :) i finally feel that i am smiling again*~

.::the smile no longer holds::.

~*i failed*~

i hate spending my day time alone and i hate spending my night time with a whole group of people... an unknowingly depression and saddness will just set in... without knowing why...

i failed to appear happy... i failed to be happy... i failed to let her be happy...

why things choose to come all at one shot? stupid ginas... what is that particular one thinking? his thinkng ah... haix... no one understand... i failed to understand him also...

i suddenly have the urge to change my blog skin... but somehow i am just too lazy... the smile on the pooh no longer seems that genuine... a tingy bit of fakeness i sensed... maybe the smile on the pooh face is what i am wearing on my face... smile on the outside... but does anyone knows when the pooh crys?

.::why?::.

~*let me disappear for a while*~

i just want to vanish from this world for just that one day... see who will miss me and whoo will not...

why did i get myself into all this? i can only say i am happy as long as they are... so please be happy... for my sake...

why did i try to help when i am not that happy after all... i also hav no idea... maybe i just don't want to be seem as someone who is so darn bitchy that i do stupid things just to get what i want...

so this is the time to let go and let them be happy...

should i trust my tarots this time round?

~*vanished...*~
~*things will be ok in the end*~
~*if things are not ok then it is not the end*~