.::My Father::.

~*The title seems nice*~
~*But be warned*~
~*Below has hardly anything nice about him*~

i told myself that one fine day i will write an entry about my father... the man of the house... and everything about him... but i know it is not going to be anything nice... there are hardly any nice things that i can say about him... and please... that is the truth... not that i am agitated now or something... i am being perfectly calm now cause i am alone at home... and i have think through this very long before i decide to post this entry...

there will be no consequences... so i dont really care... and i think it is a good chance to let others know that i dont come from a happy family besides the fact that i actually have a good mother that i feel real guilty to and someone whom i am still learning to treasure... C=

this man... i am glad that i never get topic like 'My Father' for essay when i was young.. because i will really have no idea how to write and what to write about him...

i envy people who have daddy who will dote on them...

maybe i should start with some description.. i will find the chance to get his photo with my handphone... he is a fine young man... or at least he look like one... he is already 51 and yet he dont look like he is 51... he still have the thinking that he is still 18 or whatever shit and still doing things that only youngster in his generation used to do... he stand tall... much taller than me and my mother... maybe 180? ya.. i think so... and he is thin and not really skinny.. he dont have muscles but he dont look weak.. i think it is because of his skin colour... we have this in the genes.. like it or not.. most of us in the family are tanned and not to mention my dad who works as a construction worker foreman.. under the sun...all the more he is tan...so in the end he look like some fine young man with proper workouts.. he do not have big stomach as though he is n months pregnant... so can you imagine the charm that he has or rather, the charm that he think he still have...

my father... someone who is always the one with a black face at home...even if there are jokes... the jokes will usually not last for more than half an hour... he will spoil the lively and happy environment in less than an hour when he start to do stuid things that will agitate my sisters and make them angry or upset... and he will continues to do whatever he like until he get what he wants despite my mother and i trying to ask him to stop... so conclusion is peace never last long in my house...

i think the above mentioned senerio is something that only happened recently...maybe i should just start from what happened and what i have heard of about him since young...

there are just so many things... i have a close nanny... she took care of us when my sister and i were young.. and i swear... one day i will also write an entry about this wonderful lady who do played a major part in my life.. my childhood... without her... i really cannot imagine what it will be like... all the things that she told me about my father and even my grandmother.. you will never imagine and i can never imagine hearing them from my mother also...

mine is a big family which my mother dont really give a damn to cause the people at the paternal side are mostly really nothing but rubbish.. i know that sounds bad and reflect badly on my mother... but when you are my mother, you really cannot help but think this way... yet.. despite all these, she is still giving all the due respect to people there...

i was born into this big family.. i dont even have a single idea how my dad got to know my mother.. my mother if given a chance will never choose my dad... that is for sure.. that is what i know about her... if she had a chance...

they got together through match making.. they met each other at the KFC in the shopping centre next to Beauty World shopping centre... from what i know... the wedding is held quite soon after the death of my grandfather... but i am not very sure about this fact though...

but for what i know..i have at least a half brother.. someone that i have yet to see... someone older than me... my dad had it with a girl... yet the family is not willing to accept the girl... so do you think that this marriage between my dad and my mother has my dad as the willing party?

both of them were quite of some age when they met each other... so i think that this marriage is not really something that both of them want but just something to force the two of them to settle down... especially for my dad...

i dont really know how to continue... but i will...

then came the marriage which i suppose to be a happy event since both families are eager to force their children to settle down... so after the marriage came me... i was brought to existance...

my mother had me... and something that no one can ever imagine happened... my dad had an affair outside... and please be assured that this will not be the only time that you see the word affair cause he just have more than one...

i dont know how things got settled or is it some family member drilled some senses into my dad before my birth... so i was born into this world... i lived with my grandmother or rather my family, the 3 of us stayed in the small apartment in Bukit Gombak with my grandmother till i am about 1 before shifting here to my current address...

according to my mother... my grandmother dont really cared much about her when she was in her confinement period... not much cooking done for her... not to say the next 2 birth of my sisters...

then during the about 1 year stay there, nothing much good and happy happened there...

i heard that i have a dad who forced open my eyes when i am young.. my mother concluded that that is the very reason why i have such bad eye sight in my right eye... thats her conclusion...

i heard that i have a dad who sent me a slap across my face when i am still a small baby... the only thing that my mother could do then was to take me to find my nanny, crying... the 2 of us crying...

he was drunk... drunk then but that does not seem to give him a reason to slap a baby across the face...

then shifted to the new house... came my 2 sisters... both pregnancy... not a single pregnancy that my mother have without worry... and yes.. my dad had affairs on both incidents.. i lost count of how many times le... seriously... i dont really care now...

i have a dad who get so drunk home most of the time... i have a dad who can be out at night for more than 3 days a week when i was young... my mother struggled to bring us up... never get much help from my dad... i admired and honour my mother.. she have the capability to carry one in her hand, pull one with the other and have one in her tummy... that was what happened during her third pregnancy when she still have to bring us to our nanny every morning before going to work...

i dont remember my dad paying for any bills at home not to mention giving us our allowance.. i think with the use of one hand i can count the number of times that he gave us money... and i only remember him bringing a lady home for a mahjong session only later to let us realise that he is having an affair with her... hold on.. did i say that that lady is an OLD lady?

maybe it is because of my dad that i never like the idea of coming home when i was young.. i like it at my nanny's house...

then come when we grow older... when i was only secondary one.. like i say... i dont like changes and that started since then... i never like the idea of hanging out with my secondary friends until quite late of the year... so do you think that i will have made my way to Jurong Point when i was just secondary one?

he questioned me... asked me why i went there... my cousin say she spotted me there... she have no idea what trouble she got me into when she said that...my cousins, or rather, other people's kids are always the good kids and the girl typing this here is the bad and naughty one...

he did not believe me... i am like that... i hate being wronged.. so i think that is the first time that i talked back to him... and i got a serious whacking for that...

up till now... i bet he still believe what my cousin said back then...

he still believe that other people's kids are better..

he gave me a slap across my face that sent me flying off my chair before... and he gave me whackings that no one can imagine... belt... canes... he stuffed chilli down my throat before too...

all these beatings that i have when i was young made me immuned to the beatings with one cane... at that point of time, one cane just have no effect... cause i am just so used to being beaten up by 3...

after every beating... every quarrel... he will come into my room to apologise when i tried to cry myself to bed... telling me why and how sorry he is for what he had done... i admit i am at fault at times but not all the time...

when i was young, i am just so used to all those fighting things that goes on outside and get brought back home... not only the fight between him and my poor mother, but also the fight he had with my cousin...

i can say my cousin deserve it since he is really a rubbish in the family.. but i do not think it is appropriate to bring that home right?

police came and the 3 of us are crying... we were young then... dont know how to react...

all these dispute and fight can last till late nights and i still have to get to school the next day...

that was most probably the past... i dare not say that things remained the same even now.. cause somethings did took a change for the better...

maybe because he was a gangster in the past... that is why he is so scare that his daughter will turn out to be some ah lian or something.. so he is always saying nasty things that make me sound so cheap... cause he will just assume that i will go out and do stupid things will idiot guys and get myself into some trouble... and that is the reason why i choose to tell my mother everything that is going on in my life now including whatever that is happening to me and around me...i think she needs assurance and she deserve to know them...

just sometime this year, my mother came to realise the existance of another girl in his life... even now.. i believe she is still there... in fact.. i think the whole family know that she is there just that no one choose to say anything about it... we all wanted peace after what happened a few months ago...

there is this huge argument... my mother called up my dad's boss only to realise that my father is not bringing money home because he spend them all and not like what he claimed.. he claimed that his boss is not giving him any... the whole thing exploded... not that much trust that my dad's boss is giving him and my nanny came over that night...

she came to try to solve the dispute and try to bring me away... i was crying like dont know what happened and i bet she is just afraid that i will do something silly... i stayed on and that is the worst period in my life so far that i can remember...

i cant deny the fact that he did bring us on holidays for 2 of my december holidays... but that only happens when he struck lottery... when was the last time we have holiday together as a whole family...

he had those bad things and hardly any good ones... he drink he smoke and it think his drinking is the source of all troubles... he can attempt to commit suicide when he is drunk... i experienced that twice and it is definitely not something nice... cause i do have fear for losing him... so i have to force my crying eyes to remain open to see that he dont do stupid things...

he is always doubtful of people and i think that is in the genes.. that may be the reason that cause me to be so paranoia...

i never blamed my mtoher for giving me a father like him... instead i blame myself for the existance in this world... cause without us, my mother could jolly well leave him and find the happiness she deserved...

i maybe very pessimistic but i never thought of death except when my dad and mother quarrel.. cause when that happen you will just wish that you are not there... cause if i am not there... my mother can just pack and leave... and i feel lost cause i just dont know what to do... my mother can actually attempt suicide when they quarrel... i witnessed her attempt once... he pulled her back...

peace never last long at home... there is just something going on now and my dad simply love locking himself up in his room... smoking... that stinks up the whole room...

so i suppose that is the story of my dad...

i have never written something like this...

i am not sad... i am just wondering why and how to make things better...

~*i still give him the respect that he deserve*~
~*i still greet him whenever he come home*~
~*although no one else in the house is doing that*~
~*hoping that he will change*~
~*hoping that he will learn*~

.::Rarr::.

~*i just woke up*~
~*OOPS*~

haha...i am so tired recently... so i think i will go back and sleep after this...

tomorrow should i go out? it seems like a super short day...

anyway... my day dont seem to start out happily today... i seriously cannot stand guys who are not gentleman... rarr...

this happy morning... i went to school... reach the table only to find my friends not there... only got some other people.. from my class...so yah... my classmates...

then when the bell rings. i have to lung everything to the track for morning assmebly by myself... not alot la hor... plus my bag... 4 bags and 2 files la... very little only...

dont know where are their brains...sorry...i am angry and if you happen to see this entry, i also dont care...

rarr

i was still waiting...maybe they will help... but happily the 2 guys and one girl just walked off.. i remember walking pass them when i struggled my way to the track... still dont offer to help... i think i know why your 2 would not help.. the size la... i understand i understand... rarr... CRAP...

please lor... use your eyes see also know i am struggling... i dont want to ask for anything from my current classmates... i mean those that i am NOT CLOSE WITH... rarr... ask them help with something seems to be able to kill them or something...

maybe that is the reason why i am so so quiet in class most of the time... cause i dont really find any topic to talk to people who are so so gentleman... rarr...

oops...i just ranted and complain.. haha... i dont care... haha... i am not an angel... i also get fed up at times ok... let me emphasize!!! I HAVE YET TO LOSE MY TEMPER IN SCHOOL...!

that is something quite amazing..i learn how to ren and i think i am so so cool.. bleah.. praising myself... haha...

oh ya... yihui is back today!!!but still no one to stonewith me... rarr... nevermind...haha...

nevermind... lets move on... another topic... MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA!!!

did i say the book was cool? i missed the movie..i did not go and see...

'We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course'

i got that from the book... and i think it seems quite cool huh... haha...

last night something stupid happened and i hate that something stupid... rarr...

my msn messenger decide to die on me... so clever me have to uninstall noton antivirus 2006 and msn and reinstall both... i hate this... and even IMVU is not working... sobs...

got people say i stupid huh... ok fine... abit la... seems like yesterday is not something to do with my computer... it is something wrong with the service... but it is STABLE AND RUNNING leh... haha...whatever... just happy that i can pop online now...

oh no... baby keep barking away...so sensitive now... dont know what is wrong with her... she needs to go out for a walk... haha... maybe tomorrow? haha...

so many people asked me how to get to sajc this few days huh... take bus.. or take train...

bus... 985,966,857,8,154,151,142... oh...i not sure about 31 and 21... so many bus that i cannot remember... these buses will end up at the side gate...the one nearer to the kids school... along PIE...

if not... take bus from Toa PaYoh... if not walk from potong pasir MRT... haha...

should i go suntec this friday? or should i go Plaza singapore to stock on things for dreamcatcher? haha

oh.. .did i mention that the 7 jie mei rocks? haha... thank you all for being there...
C=

though most of them never ask why i am feeling down.. but i know they care... all the stupid jokes nad fun i class.. makes teacher blood boils.. muahahahah...

i am a bad girl.. rar... haha... d=

i can tell you...i am still trying... thank you for telling me what you want at times...

i know the reason why... C=

~*thank you all for everything*~

.::whatever it is::.

i have a conclusion... or rather...i think i still should make myself clear...

i am still happy... C=

.::hmm::.

~*i know the answer is never with me*~

let time solve your problem... i can only hope that you will be ok soon...

sometimes i am thinking... if only... hmm... nevermind...

if those words no longer mean anything
if those words are said only for the sake of saying
if those words are just something that can make others happy
i rather i do not hear them
but i meant what i said
and i still want more of those words from you

i hope when things come to an end... the thing that is binding us is no longer just a promise... thank you for the time...

i realise it hurts to hear that song... i want to know why... i also want to know how... but the song really hurts... i am not the one feeling the pain... it is you...

i want to know why you have to go through all these...

i realise this is the second time that i am handling something like that... but i know i dont mind... when the feeling is there... you will realise that nothing else matters... but whatever that i have thought through... i have really thought through...

everything is ok with me unless you mind...cause i know i would not mind and i think i can give you all the trust that you want and you need... but i need the chance and choice in return...

i am thinking.. if i let things remain as a joke... will i not worry so much now?

~*you will be ok*~

.::Hmmm::.

~*hmm...*~

i dont know what i am thinking... this morning do not seem to be a happy morning... i get frusrated over the usual slow walking speed of my friends... but despite that i did not say anything... i just make my way to class without them...

then come maths test result... suppose to be something happy cause i managed to pass another test!!! but... after a while... i get real down again... dont ask me why... cause i dont think i know why...

then come to lecture... the chemistry lecture.. the only thing that i know was tired... maybe i should not have slept so late last night... but i know i cant sleep last night...

then after that was a small break... i took out the ch0colate and started eating again... haven replenish stock...oh no... who will be a kind soul and buy me chocolate?

haha...anyway...i stayed awake during math lecture due to all the copying... i felt better then...

then had biology lecture... i kind of miss yihui... if yihui is there, there will be someone to stone with me...

but anyway...towards the end of the day, things got alot better for me... i felt better...alot better... then after biology was a small break and i ate the mixed rice which is not very nice huh... rarr...

nice rice... but choa dah curry sauce... YUCKS...

then after that all the suaning start and i went on for chemistry tutorial... 1.45!!! the last lesson of the day!!! hmm...

then dont know why i started feeling down again...

anyway...was high during chem and after finish blogging i will be going to do chemistry... not that i like chemistry ok...

then this wednesday!!! end early... tuesday... i let myself end early... or should i go out? hmmm... iz the last week of school lor...

Da Vinci code haven watch... should i go this friday with them? hmm...

oh ya... during chem tutorial, someone clever called me... and since i am sitting at the last row and i dont really care about that teacher... so i picked up the call.. oops.. bad girl... haha...

someone clever called me to ask me how long is the 985 bus trip from dont know where to cck..s i assume is kallang... so ya... 45 minutes bah... hmm...my phone got problem so what i hear was very soft... but i think i heard someone's name huh...

aiya...whatever la...

oh no... my bed...rarr.. my sis slept on it without bathing and anything...rarr... nevermind... i ren...

oh ya.. holiday coming!! rarr... happy... four weeks!!! go out ok? but have to study...so.. have to control and set a certain restriction.. but i dont mind going out to study...haha... hmm... MAC again? haha... oops C=

oh ya... i sort of la dao my leg yesterday... rarr.. pain... haha.. but not very pain...

haha... what am i feeling now? i dont know... unsure bah...haha...

maybe i should include my feelings at the end of all my entries... haha...

~*unsure*~
~*trying to read the signs*~

.::Hmmm...::.

~*the longest ever walk home*~

hmm...i strolled around for an hour plus on that faithful sunday night...never tried that before...

i never feel that before too... i dont know... i cant find anything to describe my feelings now...

ok... i only know i cant go home with that look on my face... why? let her ask more? or let her chase me to go study?

i dont know...i only know that there is this dispute going on at home...which i dont know is good or bad... and i dont know when it will end... peace never last longer than 1 month at home...

there will always be time when he will start throwing his temper around like some little kids...

i am used to it...so ok bah...

actually... i realise that i have never done something like that before... but i think the things going on this time round is different...

time... time will tell the answer... but will you give time a chance? haha...ok... you are giving time a chance now... thankyou... C=

something real bad happened... my poor handphone... dying from excessive sms ing on sunday night... not that incident...but after that when some people sms me and i get real shocked... cause i did not expect that... but... anyway...

ok la... i know i am real slacked...but i heard a real happy thing...which also make me real stressed... i am now thinking what i should wear le lor... oh no...haha...

i have never done anything like this in my life before... oh my god... people do change...

~*tomorrow will be a better day*~
~*i am tired..*~
finally i get to use the computer lor...rarr haha

.::PAIN::.

~*pain is the only thing that i feeling now*~

haha...not emotionally or mentally or whatever...just physically...my eyes pain... so pain...rarr.. ok la...not so pain...but feels weird...real weird...

hmm...i will not cry... haha... i will only tear...sobs...

anyway...these few days really very slack..i shall not comment on where i went...if not later people will murder me...

so...today...yes..i went to a BBQ...haha... which i only sat there and do nothing most of the time

that is what i always do... take care of things...haha..i dont mind... as long as they happy...but sometimes really very gek... really like bringing some kids out like that LOR..haha...

i did go crazy with them ok...haha..i did...

haha...

exams coming...i have my schedule le... haix...

but i really hope that everything will turn out well...

things are going the right way in my life recently..i mean... she should be ok le... from what i conclude...

i screamed after she called me...haha...so happy can?

haha...

i really dont know what will happen between them...i seriously think he should let his parent know...but anyway...it is his choice... and i hope that things will be ok between them...

i think she is just another strong person...another brave soul.. no matter how depressed or sad she is...she is still trying to help as a friend... she earned my respects... C=

great...

oh no... my eye really hurts...

haha... everything now is enough... i am happy... C=

~*THANK YOU*~
~* C= *~

.::what happened?::.

~*Everything was fine*~
~*The sun still shine*~
~*UNTIL....!*~

everything was ok today...besides the fact that i am abit too tired... ok...everything was FINE...until i had problem opening the game... rarr

as usual... when the blog that i am trying to visit is loading, i will suddenly feel so bored for that split second and i will just move my mouse cursor over to the start menu which in my case is on the top right hand side...

the click on the start menu will send me a long list of icons and things and there on the top, the third from the top has my favourite game... SPIDER SOLITAIRE(SS)!!!

happily...i clicked on it... expecting something to pop up as usual.. then i will select the easiest game...but oh no... something went wrong today!!!

something pop up...but it is not what i want!!!

Missing shortcut...okok... then i let it search...thankfully something come out...if not i will collaspe on the spot.... anyway...

ya...i am feeling super tired now... i feel like sleeping.. i miss my bed...muahaha... so... i think i will go to bed after 3 wins of SPIDER SOLITAIRE!!!

oh no..tomorrow winston's BBQ...hao lian pi myself asked to tagged along somehow..oops...

hope i dont get depressed tomorrow...i always get depressed when i go west coast park... d=

~*i know i wouldn't*~
~*haaha... i have got SS!!!*~
~* C= *~

.::How strong is the will?::.

~*how much longer?*~
~*how much more?*~

how strong is my will in handling these things? i dont have a single idea when iwill just let go... cause it is just so tempting to not care anything... so easy to let go... or rather so easy to appear that i let go...

the struggle and everything... how tempting it is to hide myself in my own shell but i know i cant... i have a mother who is constantly there to remind me how wonderful the world will be if i let go and start to do all my own things...

how wonderful a mother i have...

cant blame her... i think she knows me well...

i bet she is also tired of coming home and not seeing a smile on her daughter's face... that is me... i dont know how to be ok or how to be normal infront of families and loved ones...

either i appear to be extremely happy or i will just get extremely sad...but the aftermath is never something good...

cause for whatever that happen, there will be an opposition... i will start to get darn moody after that...

not that i dont want to let her know what i am thinking...but will she understand? nothing is more important than me getting prepared for exams... and again...cannot blame her for that...

ya... it is a nice question... how strong is my will to hold on? i dont know... maybe one day i will just get tired of everything and i will just put a stop to everything... since she had done it before...i dont think i cant... so ya...

hmm... i need hello panda~!!! some kind soul buy for me? muahaha...

hmm... should i or should i not... whatever...i got a stupid person who is not replying my message... so cool right.. how to make a decision when i dont even know who is going? oh great...he gave me a reply... 'nite' so cool right? whatever...

hmm... something cool?embarrassin happened in my parents room... hmm...haha

hmm... someone came home with a camera... it is so heated up and it is so warm and it is spoiled...haha...oops.. nevermind... not my papa buy one... d=

hmm... i hope that nothing will go wrong... and i think it is really time to control my emotions...so...haha...i am trying... really...

hmm... i hope everything said is true and will be true... and just what is going on?

sorry...currently i am pissed by some clever people's reply..so yah...rarr...

or should i not go? hmmm...

~*sorry*~
~* C= *~

.::i think i need assurance::.

~*how i wish time pass faster*~
~*i want to know the truth for EVERYTHING*~
~*i need reassurance please*~

yah...those are the few things that i am thinking now...i think i need my bed for a while... haix...why am i so tired?

i wish that i know...yah...so... i think i need reassurance before i start thinking stupidly again...and i really, seriously hope that time will pass faster... i need answer... answers for EVERYTHING....

anyway... yah... thank you again for whatever you said... not what you said that make me cry...but just all those that are going through my mind... i was crying even before i talked to you...

hmm...i think i am not going to school on FRIDAY!!! i want to go out...i want to go to that cafe in Yishun... so anyone interested?

hmm...i scare i lost my way...hahas... d=

my ankle...something seems not very right again... i hope it will be ok... i can run le!!! so... should be ok... so i run and then when i was on my way home...hmm...my knee pain?! so... ooops lor... haha...

anyway... i seriously need reassurance... i dont have a single idea how to voice out what i am thinking... but i know it will be difficult... that is something that i always have problems with... yes.. communications...

so..yah... things will be ok... C=

~*yah... i hope*~

.::I have to be ok::.

~*i realise and i think i know*~

there is nothing i can do except wait now right? so ya...that is just what i am going to do... there is nothing that i can do...

i have a mother who kept finding every opportunity to force me to shed this thing off my shoulder...but NO!!! i think i have to handle this...

i seriously have the urge to tell him... i am now the only one near the party... i fear that by the time something happened and i choose to tell him, it will be way too late... but i know i cannot tell him...anyway...tell him also no use right?

so..yah...wait lor... what else can i do?

dont ask me whether i am ok or not...i dont dare to go online now... so here i am posting and back to work...homework and my chemistry test tomorrow... i hope everything will be ok...

i am praying every morning though i dont really believe in God but i know God is somehow another source for me to find a peace of mind...besides cooping myself up and hidding in my own shell...

today is suppose to be an ok day...until... then got some clever people called me...ask me how to nagvigate the blog...so clever right?

then...yah...things happened... and...

Thank You for being there...i know you dont know what to say... that is normal...cause there is no solution to this thing...

i hope time pass faster... i need an answer now... i have no idea how things are going on and being processed by her...

i almost broke down and cry when i was cutting up the vegetables for dinner... but i know things will be ok... soon... it will be...

can i tell him? haiz...i know i cant...who am i to decide for him to know? so...her choice to let him know or not...

i seriously need to go out... i am thinking of a place... maybe that is just where i will go tomorrow? but it seems abit too far...yishun...there is this nice place to study... maybe can get free drinks also?... i think i need to go out...before silly things get into my brain again...

so anyone want to go out? rarr...

and PLEASE!!! DARYL CHAN XIANG XING... stop telling me silly stuff before the next time i call you a xing xing... cause i am starting to think that you look like one... muahaha

haix...

~*i can only be ok*~
~*so that is just what i will be*~
~* C= *~

.::ACTUALLY::.

not in the mood to type...so here goes...i think yah...i will wake up tomorrow morning in a rarr rarr mood...no amount of chocolate can help i guess... maybe...

i tried before lor... i failed... i managed to do that for half of the day...but when i see the situation, my heart gave in...so the one typing this now is a failure...so...yah...

rarr...i am a failure...

tomorrow will not be a better day...

did i say i hate dreams?

i hope i succeed tomorrow!!! I HOPE!!!

.::Haiz::.

~*i am not sad*~
~*thanks to the chocolates*~

i finished the whole packet of chocolate that i bought yesterday after dance from 7-eleven..oops...that sound so fattening...but anyway...i am not the only one who ate it la...

thanks to weihong...haha...took that packet of resin chocolate...haha... hmm...my friends simply loves it... haha... and i did not realise that resin rocks that much...

my right eye have been twitching since just now...so yah..that is the bad thing that it is refering to? hmmm...haha...nevermind... i am happy today...

haha... so yah... yesterday dance... nothing much...just that my poor tummy no longer feel so ke lian... i mean..no more yong wei class so not that tiring... people were so happy to hear that it is zi xiang giving the class...

when we about to go off for dinner with my only son there, keelui...lol..kidding... erm...alyssa smsed me...she announced about that dead cat...and yah...we went to see... and really have no idea how it die...so... haix... shall not continue with that...

then we walked to boonkeng for dinner...finally not prata and not mac...

we didnt wait for koonhui and no one really want to tell him the way...erm...sorry...

i dont feel like talking after dance on sunday...cause i suddenly will have that rarr rarr element in my brain body and soul... ya...and you know... somehow get super quiet...but i think yesterday was alot better than usual la...

then got some clever people...because laoshi say he thinner le he jiu eat alot...he did manage to hide his 2 bowl or rice and the fatty meat but we are not going to let him off that easily... so before we went off, we went to gao mi... we told laoshi that he had 2 bowls of rice...

stop saying that i am the one who told laoshi about what happened last week...always wrong me... and ya..although i know who did it...but i cant say... SECOND TIME IN MY LIFE THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN LE LOR!!!

ok...got upset and walked off...then i saw this person...someone that looks like my relative...hmm...but it just so dont look like him... but anyway..i went to ask my mama just now...conclusion...should be him...

he looks like him...just that his dressing is different and he has this head of white hair...

he used to own dont know how many underground casino... now? got abit difficulty walking... i still cannot really believe the fact that the one i had seen is him... not convinced la...

got chocolate and went home... and the bus trip... hmm...dont know what to tell jeremy...last week can talk almost the whole journey...but this time round... aiya...i just dont feel like talking...

i talked to mavis today...i realised that both of us are just some different people infront of friends in jc...not that we dont like them...just that... maybe the 2 years is too short... too short and too busy to really know each other...but i am glad that i have this group of friends with me...if not i think i will have give u long ago...and i mean what i say here...

i always mean what i say in this blog...

erm...yah...so what will tomorrow be like?

i dont know...

~*haiz*~
~*i really dont know what to say*~

.::oh no::.

~*so many blog on hand*~
~*de..a.r.g.h....*~

okok...i am going bonkers... hmm...research and after research... talk to my hotline today...hmm...ok... ya...supposingly him and someone else is suppose to be my hotline...someone that i can call when i need help...

but yah...the other one so so busy...disappear le... so yah...understand...so ya...whatever lor...

hmm...not really talked alot...but he did help... i mean..yah...sound advice...so yah... C= thank you...!

someone is going crazy here...so... yah...going bonkers from all the thinking... i dont know... i mean... i really dont know...i know what i want... but i dont know what the world is thinking...

ya...so make it obvious? i know... then? i also dont know...i am trying to stop myself from doing stupid things... ya...so...whatever lor...

i mean... how i wish there are just somethings that can be said out and settled once and for all... even if it is not something that i want, it will still be me alone then...so ya... better than whatever that is happening now... so ya... whatever la...

i thought i have the courage to say everything out here tonight... but i realise i failed... see the above content? nothing much...so... whatever lor... rarr...

i have a conclusion...

if only my hotline can teach me how to be more optimistic.. hmm... aiya...he also zi sheng nan bao... haha...

saw this dead cat...which i am still feeling very puzzled over... how did it die? i mean.. ya... how? it dont look like being knocked down by car.. but whatever it is...i think it dont deserve to die this way...

~*is today a happy day?*~
~*maybe?*~
~*WHATEVER*~

.::恶作剧::.

恶作剧

我找不到很好的原因
屈足等着一切的亲密
这感觉太奇异
我抱歉不能说明

我相信这爱情的定义
奇迹会发生也不一定
风温柔的清晰
也许飘来好消息

一切新鲜有点冒险
请告诉我怎么走到终点
没有人了解
没有人像我和陌生人爱恋

我想我会开始想念你
可是我刚刚才遇见了你
我怀疑这奇遇只是个恶作剧

我想我已慢慢喜欢你
因为我拥有爱情的勇气
我任性投入你给的恶作剧
你给的恶作剧

我找不到很好的原因
屈足等着一切的亲密
这感觉太奇异
我抱歉不能说明

我相信这爱情的定义
奇迹会发生也不一定
风温柔的清晰
也许飘来好消息

我才发现
你很遥远 请让我再嘲笑你的想念
没有人了解
没有人像我和陌生人爱恋

我想我会开始想念你
可是我刚刚才遇见了你
我怀疑这奇遇只是个恶作剧

我想我已慢慢喜欢你
因为我拥有爱情的勇气
我任性投入你给的恶作剧
你给的恶作剧

i dont know why i like this song...maybe that is what i am thinking now? i dont know... mixed feeling...i mean... i know what i want...just whether i want to show it out or not...

confused? scared? yah... i think that is all that i feel now...so ya... that rarr element is coming back... haiz...

.::nothing..rarr::.

~*except the fact that i am frustrated*~

ok..dont know what happened when i woke up... rarr... got this rarr element in my mind, my heart, my body, and even my soul... rarr...

but i think i am ok now... coke and sweet talk drinks make a huge difference in my life!!! C=

thats all...

i hope i am not seeing the wrong things...

i hope... rarr

~*rarr*~
~*tomorrow will be a better day*~

.::i think i know::.

~*i realise*~
~*i think i know*~

maybe something should be done? i dont know..hmm...maybe...

i cant get myself to leave anything here...

maybe i am enjoying life in hell now... or rather i am used to it...maybe so be it...

when will the time come when i am the one saying nonsense?

soon i think... let things end the faster way...
`if only i hate u

but... rarr...i hate this complex thing in life...

~*i am ok*~
~*no matter what happen*~
~*i am ok*~

.::a test::.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 50% Stability 23% Orderliness 40% Accommodation 70% Interdependence 70% Intellectual 36% Mystical 43% Artistic 56% Religious 16% Hedonism 36% Materialism 30% Narcissism 30% Adventurousness 50% Work ethic 76% Self absorbed 76% Conflict seeking 43% Need to dominate 70% Romantic 63% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 76% Wealth 36% Dependency 83% Change averse 90% Cautiousness 90% Individuality 50% Sexuality 56% Peter pan complex 76% Physical security 36% Physical Fitness 64% Histrionic 70% Paranoia 90% Vanity 50% Hypersensitivity 76% Female cliche 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

ok...i check up on those high percentge ones...and...oops... haas..

Paranoia
suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner

Cautiousness

proceeds with care in most endeavors, favors sameness and consistency to suprises, does things by the book, feels that something bad will happen if they let their guard down, not reckless, prefers structure, thinks the world is a dangerous place, prefers the familiar to the unfamiliar, wants everything to add up perfectly, protective of their feelings, prone to paranoia, fears being harmed or controlled, suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, worries about making the wrong choices, thinks of things in terms of costs and benefits, prioritizes personal safety, more contemplation than action, perfectionist, refiner, goal oriented, trouble shooter, prefers to stick with what they know, worries about consequences

Change Averse
follows fairly predictable patterns in life, prefers to stick with things they know, routine and habit make them feel secure, prefers the familiar to the unfamiliar, the habits they have now they will have a year from now, does not like to be without guidance, prefers the proven to the experimental, gets very attached to things, wants everything to add up perfectly, desires security and support, more past than future oriented, frequently feels envious, predictable, can't adjust well to new situations, does things by the book, avoids being called on in group discussions, would not enjoy bein an entrepreneur

Dependency

not confident, prone to mistakes, indecisive, desires security and support, fears having no guidance or support, frequently feels envious, not productive without reassurance, gets very attached to people, feels guilty when they disagree with people, seeks acceptance and recognition from peers, dramatizes their suffering, impressionable, can be talked into doing things, fears being unwanted or unworthy of love, never knows what to do next, personality is centered around low self esteem issues, swayed by emotions, can't handle people being mad at me, freezes up in stressful situations, influenced more by others than self, avoids responsibilities, life lacks direction, prone to paranoia, prone to shame, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness

okok...not totally true..caus i think i like responsibilty... d= but it is true that i am hyper sensitive and paranoid and stuff la...i admit... but i am trying to change and control!!! haas...

d=

.::i hate this feeling::.

~*if only...*~

oh no... not really good and not really happy...cause i dont like whatever that is happening around me...

when will all the goody goody things happen?

haa...thank you weihong and jeremy... and please weihong...i didnt mean to INFRINGED your privacy... blame it on the good site meter...mauahhaa...

hmmm...i can still laugh... haas...

i think i am so dead... maybe ya.. i should just say it out? or should i just wait on?

nevermind... C= time will tell the answer..time will tell you whether the feelings are true...but... i am already certain of my feelings... so ya... not my problem now...

hold on...i really hope it is not my problem... haa...do you know that i am... erm... hmm...ya... you know...haa... oops...

anyway... such a long weekend, what should i do? study studay and study...

i will be going out tomorrow...i swear... ya...haa.. going to library...those books needs to go home... i want to find little prince...i want to read...maybe i should go and dig out the chinese one? hmm...ya... maybe i should...

maybe it is time to go out and take a stroll on my own? i scare i will feel worse... i like to walk alone to think...but i scare i will start to think too much... i think that is happening to me now... thinking too much...

i realise i have 2 chemistry reference book...so ya...who need chem...maybe can borrow from me? haas...oops...the thing is...both are quite similar...lol..

anyway...ya... hmm...i am feeling hungry again... oops...gastric soon... predicted...maybe i should go and eat up those hello panda biscuit..but i want to bring it to PA this sunday leh...promised to give to someone because that person found me a song...ya... but see whether got enough not...have to feed myself first...muahaha... selfish...

but come to think of it...i should not have offer him biscuit...i mean... someone deserve more than him...muahhaa...but anyway... ya... see got enough or not...with those monkeys around...

oops... i am not refering to dallan or keelui or PHAY...oops...kidding here.haha...

anyway...ya.. sunday should come faster...but i am scare of sunday nights... i hate it when i start feeling depress on sunday nights... hmm...maybe i should go to bed straight away on sunday night? ya.. i think that is just what i am going to do...

i hope i am being clear enough at times...

i hope

~*i love my TAROTS!!!*~
~*but i want a even cooler set...*~
~*if only...*~
~*hmm... ya...*~
~*smile...*~
~* C= *~

.::what is the truth?::.

~*i am confused*~
~*are you?*~

i think we are just looking for confirmations in our lives...

things seems to be turning into a joke...

but i think whatever that i had said so far are truth... though they sounded like jokes...

i am just not sure whether i am getting the right inferences... but i know i dont like this unsure feeling...

maybe i should just be truthful and stop thinking too much?

if i am thinking of the wrong thing this time round, please let me know...

fluctuations... i hope that i am not your source of trouble...

i dont want to dream...cause dreams are always opposite of reality... i rather have a dreamless night...

maybe those words dont mean anything... maybe...

~*hope that you are happy*~

`if dis is a dream`i wish i will nv wake up`ocnam il

.::between those lines::.

~*story*~
~*a SHE in our life*~

She wonders whether she will need someone to lead her there.

Heaven becomes her ultimate destination in her life. Her life on Earth still means
something to her. She should be someone who can decide for herself, some who can
lead the kind of life that she really wants, someone who can decide when to go to
the Heaven that she is longing for.

However, the World, the society and the place that she is living in, left her wth
no choice. Tired, sad, anger, confusion and contradiction is what she is going
through. She still have to live her life on Earth. The only thing that she believe
in, someone will bring her to Heaven.

Though she never knows who the person is, what will the person do, when will the
person come, where will the person be, how will the person come. Her life went on.
Only hope is for the right person to come.

One day, she felt that maybe the time for her to get to Heaven has come.

Someone, someone who never know of her existance came to realise her presence. No
one knows it is by chance or because of fate.

She placed half of her heart on that person, knowing that she cannot give in all
she have. Not that the person do not deserve it, just that she is trying to protect
herself. She know she will be hurt. There is just someone else next to that person.
That person gave her hope. He showed her the door to Heaven but he did not open the
door for her.

To prove that she is ok, she claimed that she dont need to get to Heaven. She lied.
The disappointment sent her to hell. With the person still in her life, she still
choose not tolet go of her belief. She need alot of reasons to convince herself to
let go, but she dont need one to hold on.

She is now in hell. The door way to Heaven seems to be opening up. But she no
longer dares to infer. Not that she choose to stay in hell. Just that she cannot
convince herself that this time round, things are for real. Though she longs to get
to Heaven.

She is confused by whatever that is happening around her. Not knowing whether they
are real, jokes or just a dream. She no longer dres to hope, as she is afraid of
disappointment.

If it is a dream, she will choose not to wake up.

End of story... i think that is the typical story that most girls go through?

anyway...back to my life... everything is still in a mess...

I didnt believe him... i dont know why he changed his nickname... until today... i
knew the truth... yes...i may not like his character, but i still hope that he find
back the real him. hope that what he said in his nickname is just what he is going
to do.

so many unbelieveable things happened recently... alot...and there are just so many
things that i can only think about them myself...

i realised something... time can no longer tell me the answer.. it is whatever that
i do. i no longer have the courage to pickup the tarots at this moment... i dont
dare to think, dont dare to know, dont dare to hope, dont dare to feel, dont dare
to say... lying maybe the only way out...

~*Fluctuations*~
~*MESSY!!!*~
~*will things be ok?*~
~*what will you put in an empty tin?*~
~*i will try to stuff all my memories and feelings in*~

.::hmmm...what happened...between the lines::.

~*i dunno*~

let this be the one with the not so formal writings...

i dunno wad happened yesterday night and today morning... i think i oli wake up from those silly ideas after having a drink of coke in the aftnn...

hmm...i still have many problems... but i really dunno... how to solve them...i know time will give mi the answer but i hate to wait...

rarr... i cant even make proper decision now...i nit to talk to someone...seriously...

but i know no matter wad happen, the only solution is still TIME...rarr...

ok..i rarr alot of times today le...

wad am i feeling now? happy? not exactly.. sad? not really..oh no... an idot here dont know wad she is feelin... die le la...

oh ya...talk abt dying... please...rarr... low readership...i think ppl are just tired of my rantings...but aniway... a sudden increase in blog entries means on the verge of depression...so beware... i think i am ok now... for now? i dont know..i tink i need more sleep...thats the most impt ting now...

rarr... but so sad i am still drinking coke...

today after the study programme... i suddenly feel someting real weird...oh no...my knee joint... i dont know whether iz becos the lect hall is too cold or wad... the knee joint on my left leg suddenly dun feel like mine...oh no... iz seems to be able to move on its own...

die... rarr...all the old injuries...

tml bio spa.. i tink i will make a new record.. oh no...

poor hand... if only i can write with 2 hands... muahaha...all my mama la... stop me when i am young...rarr...

d=

i am praying everyday... wichever way i can... wadever deity... i hope that she will be ok.. i think iz ok...

i really dont undstd how ppl move on so easily... just less dan 2 weeks and they got 2 new dogs...rarr... izit a substitute to them? i tout dey treasure her alot? aiyo...why are dey lidat?

haix... weird people...

things are getting worse...i keep getting that feeling...i hope i would not fall to the bottom of the valley at the end of the day...

heaven to hell...iz just so easy...but it is not my within my control already...rarr... hate this...if only...

will i cry?

hmmm... d= HELLO PANDA!!!

i feel like renaming...hmmm...nevermind...

~*smile*~
~* C= *~

.::Yes nothing goes right::.

~*maybe crying will help*~

my vision is blurred... why do i feel so tired all of the sudden? maybe this is just what you went through... dont make me think about you... please.. i am all confused and lost and dont know what to do now...

i am tired of whatever that is happening...although i know that nothing is going right.. but i still have to act as though nothing happen... i know how to fake a smile...

i need those tears now...rolling and they fell...ya...maybe i should cry myself to sleep tonight...when was the last time i do that?

when was the last time that i cried in public? crying seems to be the only way out now...

i need someone to listen.. but i dont know how to say everything out... there are just somethings that are better kept as secrets...

maybe i should live in my own world... nothing seems to make me happy now.. i get frustrated at the slightest thing...maybe except... but what do i get ultimately...

when everything is gone, i realise i am still standing there alone... all by myself...

maybe my life should all be about books...i hope it can be that way...then maybe i will be happier...

i read tracy's blog... reminded me about my secondary school life and whatever that i went through.. what is going on? i think my life is in a mess too...

and this time round it is a total mess... i think you are refering to me in your entry..i dont know why.. but i just feel that way...

everyone is seeking for it...but when will we get it?

everything is turning into a joke... a joke that i am so tired of.. maybe saying that it is no longer funny helps?

maybe it is time to live in my own shell again... i rather not feel anything then having the happiest moments and the saddest moments in 24 hours...

ya...everything is in a mess but i dont seem to find the right reason to cry...

cry because i am having bad results?

cry because i am not of much help all the time?

cry because i disappointed my mother?

cry because i lied to myself when i am actually standing there alone?

something is not right... this is bad...

i hate night time... after 12..when i am all alone.. i am tired of msn... tired of all the silly little things that i deduce and know when i am talking to people...

if only i can control.. if only i have a choice.. i will choose to not be senstitive... be like her... her life is going the way it should be... she always seems happy although i know that she is stressed sometimes...

so sad... i am just a super sensitive cancer here...plus the attention seeking leo...

ya..that is me...

fairy airy...that is what i am feeling now... i think i need a drink... maybe just the 2 of us? ya... you will be ok... i know... things will be ok... i will be praying in whatever ways i can for you...

i hate being alone now... i wet the keyboard... when was the last time that this happen?

what will happen if my mother open the door now? what will she say? i dont know... i know i cant let her see me cry...

yes... i am alone... everything in a mess... nothing is going the right way...

i hope they soon will go the right way... i know they will...

whatelse can i believe in other then this?

you will still see me smile and laugh like no one's business...

you will still see me scream and shout over that gross thing...

but when you see that i am all quiet and alone and staring into space, you will know that i am thinking again...

yes...happy and sad...i experienced all in a day...

yes... smiles and tears...i experienced all in a day...

ya...i am learning the right acting skills now...

~*so what if i cried?*~

~*nothing changed*~

~*i still have to smile*~

~*i am still alone in all the mess*~

.::oops::.

~*wrong time*~
~*i am suppose to be sleeping*~

okok... still got some silly people out there that i must must slap this sunday... ok....not slap la... he is so so mean... how practical... i bet he dont know... lol... but nevermind... he will know it this sunday...

argh...plan failed... haa.. sms going to exceed again.. but nevermind... iz very little le... that shall be the mother's day gift for my mama...a decrease in bill...haas...

ok... laughing away here...but having headache... i also dont know why i come and blog...

de.. argh...rarr... grr...

hate it... i am so so confused and i made a conclusion... i blush super easily... so... stop making fun of me... rarr rarr... turning into rarr rarr rat le.. d=

my brain is too saturated with things... oh no... confusion after confusion... i dont even know what i am thinking le lor... thanks alot huh... rarr rarr..

oh no...my msn just die on me like AGAIN? rarr rarr

nothing goes right today...nothing will...

hold on...today actually quite a good day...except for the headache and all the silly confusions...

i swear i will slap him this sunday!!! i think koonhui will want to join in too...muahahha...

is it just a fling? oh no... i asked so many times le and i still dont know the answer...rarr... stupid right?

to tracy: hope to see you this sunday... smilex C=

~*lame*~
~*going to uncle chew later!!*~
~*NEW SPECTS!!!*~
~* C= *~
`slap him`so so practical`so evil

.::oh no::.

~*oh no*~
~*double entry*~

what is wrong with me? i dont know...i suddenly have the urge to blog again...although i got nothing much to write...or maybe i got alot to write...just that i dont know how to write...

is it just another fling? i wish i know... i need helps... i need someone to think for me.. ya... maybe weihong? haas... someone who can think as good as i do...

erm... people...if your are free... go visit weihong's blog... but please shut up after reading it...dont mention a single word of the entry on the 8th May 2006 infront ofme...

if not i swear i will cry infront of you... i swear i will...or i will scream like some crazy person...

i dont know why my reaction so big...but it is really er xin...the thought of it makes all my hairs and furs stand on their ends... see...my hair style now.. can imagine? omg...i really dont understand how come got people can stand those...oh mine..

anyway...do pay his blog a visit... dont scream or cry...

it is really gross...

anyway.. is it just another fling? i hope i know the answer... C= i am sensitve to numbers... not now... everything is switched off...

which came first? the egg or the hen? yes...that is the thing now... which came first..?

sorry... i dont know...

hmmm...any kind soul want to pei me go bugis this week after dance? go buy bag and go walk walk... since it is a long weekend...although monday got school la... anyway... who shall be the kind soul??

or should i zi bi and be a introvert and go by myself? maybe it is time to shop alone? yea... hmmm... i want to find that zinc bag... find le then decide whether to buy or not..i dont want to regret...haas...

hold on...will i get the money for itin the first place? d=

will..cause i got 23.5 over 30 for my maths...my mother is super happy...but she somehow think that the thing is easy thats why i am getting good result... grrr.. i feel like biting her...but anyway.. yea...

i want a new bag...

who will be the kind soul?? d=

~*notice the difference?*~
~*before and after*~
~*the 2 entries*~
~*did something happen?*~
~*i dont know*~
~*smilez*~
`i stil dread nite time`i stil dread e unsure feelings`i stil dread dose unsure senses`haiz

.::i hope i am::.

~*i hope i am drunk last night*~
~*that was a bad mood swing*~
~*yes*~
~*today too*~

i went to school not wanting to talk... first time so quiet in the morning... nothing to talk... no mood to talk... frustrated is all i know...

then the day moved on... i know i did it... i hope it would not be the only once... i would not be the last..! i swear.. i know i can...

other than that...and the great achievement that i wrote that much during chemistry practical today in one hour, thereis nothing great to talk about...unless you include the fact that i brought my happy medicine... my coke!!! yes...i bought coke... and a tub of CHOCOLATE hello panda...not really a tub but a metal tin...

i think i maybe playing mapl later.. i hope... i dont know... headache... i cannot sit there and dont do anything.. my head will just start spinning... i need to think of somethings and have to think of the right things...

i dont know... i have a clever plan that i am going to put into place..i am clever... i hope i am clever enough...

so many cases recently... what a joke... 3 days and that is the end... he deserve a slap.. he will get it from me this sunday...unless he is not going to PA... how can he do things without thinking?

ok...i conclude that i hate night times.. ya.. even now... i hate it now... you dont know what you are doing at night..you will be doing alot of things and the next morning you wake up and you regret everything that you had done... hmm... ya... it is like that.. that is human...

at night you are alone... you forget about reality and only live in your own world.. i bet that can be the happiest time and can be the worst time of the day...

for me.. it is the worst...

ok..i really cannot smile... crack and bleeding lips... abit la... hmm... whats wrong??

~*i am not smiling inside*~
~*this is just another stupid mood swing*~
~*kill me*~
`sori`nuting makes ani sense nw`tel mi y

.::200th entry::.

~*delicated to who?*~
~*do i really have to say it out?*~
~*things are turning into a joke*~

things are turning into a joke without even me knowing how... there are just alot of things better left unsaid... left unknown to everyone out there...

the conclusion that i made...girls are just senstitive creature... only the clever ones will be able to see this entry...

people are all sensitive creature... like it or not... believe it or not... it is the same horoscope again... as the person... maybe i should just step back?

i mean...no one will know... no one will notice... no one will care... just step back and i will feel better...

was talking to jeremy...then i realise how difficult it is to manage and maintain a relationship... it is something so beyond imagination when you have to do it alone... i mean.. if the other party dont care... you will have to do it alone...

not that i am going through all those now...

anyway...back to what i am thinking... things are turning into a joke... sorry...dont blame me.. i know i played a part in making things the way they are now.. i mean.. a joke... cause i am a coward... that is a total of 8 times for all these while... i am sensitive to numbers also...

maybe there is a reason why you are doing what you are doing.. but i dont know what that reason is.. maybe to make my sunday a better one? i dont know...

i keep thinking that i am hearing the wrong things.. yes.. that is me... i never believe in myself.. that is why i think i am a coward...

i regretted things i do... maybe things should not be like the way they are now? i mean.. slowly... not at this pace... dont know... this seem to be too exothermic... if you know what i mean...

i think i know what i need... i think i can trust... i think maybe i should just trust my tarots this time round... but what can i say? the keys are no longer with me

`ni na me leng jing`hu yuan you hu jing

sorry...i failed to do that... but come to think of it..i did not promise myself anything...

i mean.. i choose not to control...

if you are clever you will be able to see this entry... if you are too clever you will be thinking that this entry is delicated to you...oh whatever

a coward typed this...remember??oh whatever...maybe i will regret that i typed in this entry after it is up... i am like that la... i think you know... i hope you know...

all the time..i want to tell you... 'i hope you know i did'... but... there is always a 'but'...

there are somethings better to be left unknown to everyone out there... C=

including what i am thinking now... dont assume you know what i am thinking now.. dont try to sense... dont expect me to sense... cause my senses are switched off since... hmm... nevermind...

~*i will smile*~
~*when you see me quiet*~
~*you should know what i am doing*~
~*yes*~

.::what a DAY::.

~*what am i doing now?*~
~*oops*~

i know i said i will try not to touch the computer today...but...oopx... so sad i did.. haas...

a quick one before my mama come screaming...or maybe before my sister come screaming..yes.. my younger sisters...

ok...something happened...which i think i should not mention about it here.. i mean... the more i type i think the more guilty i feel...

today at dance... got some stupid people keep telling me about the breast larva thing... oh my god..i think i going to cry if they desrcribe or mention more of that in front of me...seriously...it is super gross...

then dinner... yes... dinner... argh... shall not talk about that...

so basically nothing to talk about today...

i feel happy...cause i learnt somethings... somethings that as time pass...you have to learn and you will learn...it is better to learn...aiya...whatever..i predict depression to come later in the night?? cause it is a sunday night...

all sundays are depressing... by right la... will things happen by left today? i dont know...haas...

jumpy and screammy and noisy and crazy today...oops... all thanks to that er xin thing...

i think i got a whole ton of things to say...but i dont know how to pen them down on my blog...maybe it is time to take out my diary again?

or maybe a private blog?muahahaha... see how la...

congrats to jeremy...must praise me for being clever ok?

ok...he did..he say i become more clever le...

i learnt to sense things that are happening around me.. i think it is jeremy who taught me one lor.. but anyway... sensing too much is not a good thing la... erm... ya.. it is not a good thing...

i realise i am not brave.. i am a coward... oh no... thats bad... so sad... i am like that... rarr... maybe i should try to be more brave??

i am not being truthful to a hell lot of things... haix... d=

~*dance away*~
~* C= *~
`nuting2say`uleft mi speechless`bt`i noe i hold sumtings bk`sori

.::i am here!::.

~*i am here*~
~*i am emotionless now*~

how come huh? i also dont know... that is just life...

what i did today? ok... jelly...failure for once.. but i mean can eat...just that the process was quite a failure...

i think i boiled it for too long... and i think i should not have tried another way of cooking... in the end... got some powder did not dissolve... sad... anyway... CAN EAT!!!

the difference between jelly and agar agar... jelly is what i have always made.. agar agar is the grandpa of jelly... jelly is by REDMAN... agar agar is some dont know what brand... agar agar softer than jelly...

and i finally agree with my mama... jelly taste nicer... i was not convinced at first... now i know the difference le...

ok... elections result coming out.. anyway...

BYE BYE STEVE CHIA!!!

muahaha... he claimed that he will leave politics if he loses choa chu kang... lets see whether he will honour his words.. i bet he never dreamt that he will lose choa chu kang to GAN KIM YONG...

to be honest.. i thought gan kim yong will lose but it is a good thing that he still win... we aer a matured constituency...muahaha...

PAP did alot for us...upgrading of lift...hmm...

my family are all against PAP...for steve chia la...

haha..something funny here:

i suggested to them...when the new lift is done, your dont take the lift... cause it is by PAP...muahhahaaha...

erm...i know you are not laughing... please laugh... C=

anyway... how i wish there are somethings that you will be able to use to find out what others are thinking and what they are doing... besides asking... maybe i just happen to know too much thats why i am like that now... i mean.. if i did not know so much...maybe i will not be so..hmm...how to say? maybe there is still a reason behind everything..i hope so...

imagine a world without unknowns... you know what will happen the next minute.. you know what will be your future.. you know what others are thinking and why they are doing certain things.. you know what will be out for exam and you know what you will score.. i mean...that is just so much better... i think... but i know nothing is absolute.. so maybe that is not totally true...

that is just something that i think... and i dont know what i am doing.. nothing sems done although i know i did finish my chemistry and biology tutorial..i am suppose to start with revision for the test, or rather mock test 2 weeks later... oh ya.. study for chem spa also..which is on monday...and that is just so deadly... no outings tomorrow after dance..i swear... dinner and home i go.. mug till 2... i swear... i try... also.. no touching of computer..

i know i tend to be moody on sundays... i think it is because i get too hyper and sad to know that the next day is school... monday blues.. argh...

anyway... i think it will be a good day tomorrow..i will make it a good day...muahahha...

i almost got my mother to buy red wine just now...oopx... i want mei jiu.. i mean.. those plum wine... choya... yea.. it is super nice and super relaxing.. but i know... and i swear no alcohol until june?? or should i wait until i am lawfully 18? muahaha.. see how la... d=

i am not those bad girls who always drink ok.. hmm... i mean i said that.. i mean.. i think i am not that bad la..haha...oops...

there are alot of things that i feel like saying.. telling people.. but i realise i need to consider the consequences.. it is alot of consequences..maybe life should not be like that??

i hope i dont need to announce that i am here.. but so sad i am somehow a typical leo..i tried to curb that.. alot!!! if you realise.. but anyway.. i am still like that... but i am an understanding cancer also.. i mean.. i think i can sense what you are thinking.. and what you meant...

but recently i concluded that i tend to switch of my senses when i am talking to some people... i dont wish to know too much... one of which.. i hope you realise...realise that we hate you...

what is the point of striking out the words below? hoping that people will have a harder time reading? or hoping that people will not read it? i think people will only get more interested...

anyway...

how i wish i have the ability to control my fingers to close it..but so sad i dont.. so whatever that happen, it is always.. there.. and i just think that something is very wrong today...

my connection also.. i am like going to lose connections anytime... hmmm...

ok.. something is wrong tonight.. i hope everything is ok...

~*thats all*~
~*dont understand?*~
~*nevermind*~
~*it is so perfectly normal*~
~*i know smiles will come*~
~* C= *~

`i hope`i wish`it dun help`r tings ok?`i wish iz gone`i noe iz nt

.::random::.

~*some cool photos*~
~* C= *~

beauty and brains...she have both... she is my darling...



oh no.. i made one conclusion...this is slow... or is it of my computer and internet connections?? d=

haha

.::Yes i am here::.

~*nevermind*~
~*i dont know why that title*~
~*no link*~

hmmm...what a day... i realise i do cry rather easily... i almost... hold on... ALMOST cried in front of my civic tutor when he said about all those things...

ya...whatever that he told me... i know... that is the reason why i think i can do it...

maybe i really dont have a choice...ever since the day i am born into this family... i am destinated to go through all this... so i can only do what i am suppose to do... i failed halfway.. but i am not going to fail ALL the way... maybe i will be able to do what i do in the long run?? maybe i am just not cut out to do what i wish to do...maybe i am just too timid and too emotional to face the job that i am interested in?? but still.. i am not left with much choice...

yes.. i think everyone has a responsibility when they are born into certain family... i mean.. there is something that has to be done when you are 'introduce' into this world.. those are the purposes of life...

but i think it is still love that keeps the world going.. i think everyone needs to give more love to MOTHER EARTH... sorry... General Paper into Environment recently...so... ya... LOVE MOTHER EARTH please... this is such an important form of love... it is not there... our love for MOTHER EARTH became the love for MONEY... so.. ya.. MOTHER EARTH is so going to stop turning one day... when will the HEAT WAVE hit us? just like how the ICE AGE hit the dinosaurs...??

thats all... any interesting flash i also dont mind.. the more political it is the better... d=

ok...admit.. we were gossiping during PE today.. .all the politics things...

i just dont understand why people dont support PAP... i mean...maybe not the LEE family.. but whatever it is... LEE family did contribute to improving life in Singapore.. i mean...ya... 40 years...developed... now.. living in PEACE... dont understand...

my sister is actually going to sms Steve Chia tomorrow morning to wish him GOOD LUCK...can you imagine...

but still i cant deny the fact that.. i think i know the result le... steve chia will win...but whatever la... PAP still rocks... d=

but anyway.. went out to study with koonhui, liying, and chang er...

fine...it is the Terror Four... AGAIN... muahaha.. so nothing good will ever happen... Liying brought her new laptop... which i intially thought will be 'terrorised' by us.. but i think it is a good thing that it is not being terrorised.. instead it is koonhui's msn..muahaha...

he signed in to his account...he insist on signing in... and so sad that he didnt manage to keep the laptop in view ALL the time... so as usual...the 2 of us, we did something stupid... he got abit... just ABIT angry... then we continue our act after Chang Er come...

since when is Chang Er not involved in our terror acts? muahaha... evil guy him huh... run away when koonhui almost blasted.. but so sad... i think he is only ABIT angry...compare to what we did in the past... d=

anyway... i played with jessie and i think baby got all jealous... sniffing all over when i reach home... lol... but i still love her the most...

hmmm...my ankle pain AGAIN.. how huh? hmm... i mean it is ALWAYS pain la.. but anyway... i think it would remain on my leg lah...muahahaha

today is suppose to be a not so happy day... i dont know...actually everyday is not suppose to be a very happy day... cause i dont like ups and downs... so maybe dont be so happy will make me feel better...

how?hmm...i think i learnt to spell the word in my heart... yes... the word... yes.. c-o-n-t-e-n-t-e-d ... maybe it is something good? or maybe it meant something else?? i dont know... time will give me the answer.. i know... C=

maybe for everything done, there is a reason.. i choose to not sense the reason... cause i dont like to know reasons...

hold on...that is not true... i like to know reasons... i like to know the truth.. but.. i only like to know good reasons... hmm... d=

but hold on...i am not contented with my results... i am so so going to make new spects and more contacts.. muahahahaa... that is one ofthe uses of the money from the government...oopx... d=

~*life is like that*~
~*will everyone learn to be happy?*~
`do u noe tt we hate u??`argh`insensitive creature`stop tinkin u r sum1great n get lost

.::GONE!!::.

~*it is gone*~
~*it leave me the unexpected way*~

ok...not really mine... but still... so long le... the hamster of my family.. her name is Towel... we call her Mao Jin... ya..i know...what a name for a hamster... not me...ask my sister...

anyway... it is the longest living hamster in my house.. it is around 3 years old le... the previous ones never live past their first birthday... cause my mother likes to bathe them, water gets into their ears and poof.. die lor...

anyway...this little darling... sorry not even a single picture of it...how much sadder can this get??

this little darling... my sister got it as a reward for doing well in her exam... being the younger at home, she can only be taken care of by someone... cant take care of something by herself... so conclusion is she is not the one who is feeding the hamster...ok..maybe she did it for a period of time.. one week?? but soon her interest die off... and in the end it was my mother and i taking care of it...

despite these, it is still my sister's responsibilty to change and clean the hamster.

she can forget to put back the drinking bottle for the hamster. the next morning... the hamster get so dried up like ba gua.. but it didn die... now that we bought some new things for it, it is gone... argh...that is not a good thing...

i am starting to dread msn and sms... but there are just alot of things that is easier to be said through this 2 stupid means... but i know i will continue to use msn and also continue to sms one...

msn...i am crying in front of the computer le but still people that i am talking to are still treating it as a joke... sorry those that i NUDGE and that F word that i used..hmm... that is so not me...

i lost a kitten before too... another sister of mine found it in her school...insisted on keeping it as a squard pet for her batch of NPCC... no one willing to send it to SPCA... took it home, feed it... named it Georgie cause it was found in a Bush... George Bush... i know it is lame...

its eyes are not even open..it is less than 10 days old... after havng it for a week, i die... i thought i will live...

it is showing all those healthy signs... yellow waste... i provided it warmth with the aid of a bottle... it sleeps well against it... but still it die...

i remember that day i was in nan hua...i sat near the glass door and i started weeping like nobody business... oops...

so... both of the above mentioned cute darlings leave me the most unexpected way and at the most unexpected time...

anyway.. things in life are like that... they come and go as and when they like it...

so like it or not, still have to accept it... i know... no choice here.. you never know what will happen the next minute...

yes... i dont know what will happen the next minute...maybe someone will leave me AGAIN...?

i dont mind having a hamster on the 23.07.2006... *hint hint*

what is after this??? hmmm... chemistry... eeks.. i am sick of it... i need help in maths and chemistry!!! dying from them... argh...

i know i can do it...

i will create a miracle

i want to spoil people's spectacles... want them to 跌破眼镜 (die po yan jing) muahahaha...

i can do it...please tell me i can... =C
sorry i am not as confident as i seem...

okok... study time!!! C=

~*please dont leave me the unexpected way*~
~*please dont leave me without a note*~
~*please dont leave me without letting me know why*~
~*please dont leave me...that is the best*~
~* C= *~
~*so do you know what to do?*~

i know u care`bt sori` someting is jus nt rite` nt wif u bt me`nvm` u wun b readin dis
`conclusion`iz nt u`juz nt u`sum1else`sum1hunoe it

.::I HATE THIS!!!::.

~*ya*~
~*things do seem different*~

i think they are really different... i dont know what make me the person i am today... not a single one of you out there but maybe the fact that i was taught how to feel in whatever things that i am doing... it makes sense...

thank you for helping me to find the answer.. it is dance that made me so senstitive... at least i think it is...other then my horoscope... a cancer... a sensitive creature... but still i am here... i am going to lead my life with all these senses and emotions... i have no choice... so even if i dont like i also have to do it...

there are just tiny little things that people do that make me so sure that it means something even more important...

i also dont know what i am thinking... i should just not do anything anymore... what will come will come... i no longer trust my tarots...

please... i dont even trust myself... i dont even know what i am doing.. i am doing things that is atually against what my heart wants.. but whatelse can i do? i mean.. there is really nothing that i can do...

ever since that day when i made that decision i know that there are just certain things that have to be done a certain way.. there are just things that can only go straight...never left or right..it is not within my choice.. so sad... but that is the truth.. so do you pity me?

that is not what i want.. i want to be able to make choices for myself.. but so sad i cant... there are just things thta are not within my control...

the most saddening thing is the fact that the people entering and leaving your life is never within your control but people never have the ability to accept the fact...

i am used to certain things.. maybe you are out of the game but i am not... so am i the poor thing here? the one who dont deserve anything cause i am the one who choose to stay in the game?

i dont know what i am trying to say here.. i am not making any sense... will i be irritating or annoying to someone? i am always thinking of that... that is the thing that forever restricts me... but i get myself out of it...

do you really think that things are really that peaceful and smooth sailing for life? at least for me it is not... i only want something simple.. but i am not even getting something that belong only to me...

i am trying to be contented with what i have... but i realise there is nothing to satisfy the thirst... not even a thing lingers in my hand for my palm to grab... i just need something..

something small till you cannot see with the naked eye... something so small that only angels, me and you know its existance.. i only need abit of that... i need that in my palm to let me learn the word contented... i swear i would not be greedy for anymore thing...

i dont need it to be visible to all.. i only need me to know... for me to hold on to...

did i say that promises are meant to be broken? yes.. i did...

where is the promise? i dont need it all the time...but not a single time.. sorry..yes.. sometimes.. but the basic things that should be satisfy are not there...

i never have an entry like this... neither do i feel this wrong before.. how i wish.. i wish.. ya.. i wish.. it will be a wish forever...

maybe it is time to move out of the game...maybe i should not be doing this kind of things all the time.. i am tired of being a kind soul cause i am not..

yes.. fluctuations.. i got shocks after shocks recently... i know then i dont know.. i dont know, it existed, i know it is gone...

i choose to not know a single thing.. maybe i will be much much happier that way... so much more happier...

i dont know a single thing in my life.. yes.. i know what is the next thing.. i also know what is holding me back..

yes... study.. nothing is sure in this world... i know... i knew that since the day i was born.. it is part of life...nothing is sure... maybe tonight i will just die sleeping in bed? you never know.. so what else can i say??

but yet.. that does not mean that certain things have to be done.. cause i know i would not...

making no sense... really no sense as i continue.. so maybe i should just stop.. cause i think i have vent enough anger here...

~*DOUBLED*~
~*Fluctuations*~
~*YES*~
~*That's me!*~
~*i hate it when people leave without a word*~
~*please inform me if you are leaving my life*~
`i cant smile`bt i noe i hv2`i dun haf a choice`i hope2spread e smile2u`do u tink i can?

.::nothing much::.

~*oh no*~
~*same title*~

haha...anyway... life recently is the same.. still depressed still happy...so many things out there that affects my mood... sobs... it is not something good.. but still i know i no longer have the choice to be sad le... i have to take on another role...

maybe it is my fault for being too clever...now that there are more things with me, there are more things that i have to be careful with...haha...still i welcome praises...

someone lost a dog about a week ago... it is less than 2 weeks and they are having new plans le.. hais.. i feel sad for that dog that is currently still missing...

yes..it is her fault for running out...maybe she is leading a better life now...but how can her owner just forget about her like that?

hais...maybe it is a substitute? you never know what people are thinking...

i think i am glad that i have Baby...sometimes we tease Baby saying that she is too introvert...but come to think of it...that is the way to keep her with us...she would not dare to go out on her own...

i cannot imagine my life without her.. my relationship with her is weird...i am like her stead... you know you will be there for each other although you dont spend much time together..i can just ignore her one whole day, dont talk to her, dont play with her... but whenever i am down... you know that she will be there for you... C=

she taught me and my sisters to spell the word c-o-n-t-e-n-t-e-d. happy that she came into our life...happy to have her there... haha...everything is so simple just like any other relationship... C=

i really cant imagine life without her...haha... she came crying to me just now...cause my sister went out without bringing her alone and here i am facing the computer... now she is being an introvert outside...

haha...i called her in and now she is on my bed and she is gone again...oh my...running around...i bet she is also happy to be here...

she knows the temper of everyone in the family..she know when to come shaking her tail when to hide... she will hide whenever my dad roar...but when my mama roar at us, she will go shaking her tail... she is trying to make her top... C;

yea..its like that when it happen to my sister... when my sister shout, she will hide..but when it is me, she will come and try to cool me down... i bet she know what comes after my shoutings..hhaha...tears...

i am going to drown myself in chemistry though i hate that subject and i hate that teacher... and someone please teach me how to write faster... i think i am going to flunk my skill A for both sciences if i continue to write at the speed that i am writing at now... d=

~*smile*~
~*it makes life easier*~
~*learn to spell the word*~
~*c-o-n-t-e-n-t-e-d*~

.::Heavenly YESTERDAY::.

~*yea*~
~*HEAVENLY YESTERDAY*~
~*minus off some parts*~
~* d= *~

okok...start from dance... the not so happy things might be the fact that i still dont know what is wrong with my leg... arh... anyway... dont care... guilty...slacking away... d=

the happy things... thanks to zixiang, we havedozen of nice things to eat... muahahaha....yesterday is another guilty day... omg...fat...

he went mei shan... broughtback mei... lol... yes... plums... so happy... especially the milk plum...okok...super sweet...so sweet and nice that tempted me to go bugis and buy... now i have a bag infront of me!!!

and the tai yang bing...omg heavenly... suppose to share one between the three of us, erm...mi, maurine and jialing... in the end??lol... we shared three... argh... guilty...cause we scare fat... lol

anyway.. i missed out on the mochi... the ones that he bought from taiwan also...

okok...enough about dance... after that we went bugis...cause the one and only hannbin sister, HANNQIAN birthday!!! went MOS... had a rice burger MEAL... omg...sinful food... then after that ah hong had milk shake...tempted...but i know i did the wrong thing by drinking coke, which is something that i should not be drinking... so i decide to not touch milk shake...

next stop... the EAST OCEAN at bugis basement... milk plums!!! lol... we bought milk plums... then we went on to the next stop, Beard Papa's Cream Puff!!!

heavenly cream puffs... the cream just fill your whole mouth when you take a bite into it...2bucks for one...abit expensive... by the way...the milk plum and cream puff are all sinful food... mos burger meal also!!!

lets move on...we went to take 197 to esplanade...we walked there...and we went to have ice cream... wait...hold on...not normal ice cream... but... Hagen Daz!!! omg...all thanks to MAURINE... woah...buai tahan...keep typing her name... d=

we went to sit somewhere near the Makansutra Gluttons' Bay...omg... here come another sinfulfood... fried oyster with egg~~!

yea..i gave the pitiful 70cents that i am left with and daryl and keelui contribute the rest... dey bought it and we eat AGAIN... okok...sinful...

after that we went home... i took 857 with MAURINE and i took 985 home AGAIN...

anyway...come the not sinful part...

not sinful cause i am just too sad to feel sinful... i waited till 12midnight for my turn to use the computer... i went online... and i decide that i should drink since no one in my house can stand the bitterness of that red wine, and since i have the urge and feel to drink...so i went to drink...

ok...bad me..i finish the remaining wie in the bottle which i think is about half filled... blurt out alot of things to weihong... but still those are things that i know i should say... others secrets are still hidden in my heart... i am not those who will blurt out your secret when i am drunk k??lol

anyway... told him alot of things while i keep drinking... i think i had 2.5 cups of wine... each cup is about the volume of a drink can... those aluminium cans... slightly more... so imagine how much i drink... when i was having the third cup, i give up... milk plum come into the picture!!! but still.. in the end... i puke everything out...yea...EVERYTHING

i went to sleep cause i could not take it... spinning...

ya... i am not a good girl...i am not as guai guai as i try to act as... but still who is not double faced?

anyway...that dont sound like a joke...nothing changed... i dont know whether i will regret after i typed these but still i shall continue... that is so so double faced... after that talking to me as if nothing happened...okok... so IT IS a joke?? so funny... WHATEVER~! dont assume... i was not upset about anything initially...~!

maybe it is time for some changes in my character...hmm...why must remind me that they are alike?? arh... should not have mention his name... omg... anyway...i know he would not blurt everything out...lol...

see...perfect emotional control here? laughing and being sad at the same time...

sometimes i hope that i can get angry more often instead of sad... cause you get over something when it is anger rather than when it is unhappiness...

maybe sometimes i should not sense so much so i will not know andwill not care what others are feeling or thinking then i would not be sad... cause i will not be disturb by the negative things that they have for me...

maybe sometimes i should be like my dad...never bother to sense why and what people around him are thinking about... he is always throwing his temper whenever he sees things that he dont like.. he never bother to understand why things are the way they are...

angry leave faster than sad... you will get over it with more ease...

anyway... i think i will be happier tomorrow... maybe i should stop going PA??

~*haas*~
~*silly me!*~