.::My Father::.

~*The title seems nice*~
~*But be warned*~
~*Below has hardly anything nice about him*~

i told myself that one fine day i will write an entry about my father... the man of the house... and everything about him... but i know it is not going to be anything nice... there are hardly any nice things that i can say about him... and please... that is the truth... not that i am agitated now or something... i am being perfectly calm now cause i am alone at home... and i have think through this very long before i decide to post this entry...

there will be no consequences... so i dont really care... and i think it is a good chance to let others know that i dont come from a happy family besides the fact that i actually have a good mother that i feel real guilty to and someone whom i am still learning to treasure... C=

this man... i am glad that i never get topic like 'My Father' for essay when i was young.. because i will really have no idea how to write and what to write about him...

i envy people who have daddy who will dote on them...

maybe i should start with some description.. i will find the chance to get his photo with my handphone... he is a fine young man... or at least he look like one... he is already 51 and yet he dont look like he is 51... he still have the thinking that he is still 18 or whatever shit and still doing things that only youngster in his generation used to do... he stand tall... much taller than me and my mother... maybe 180? ya.. i think so... and he is thin and not really skinny.. he dont have muscles but he dont look weak.. i think it is because of his skin colour... we have this in the genes.. like it or not.. most of us in the family are tanned and not to mention my dad who works as a construction worker foreman.. under the sun...all the more he is tan...so in the end he look like some fine young man with proper workouts.. he do not have big stomach as though he is n months pregnant... so can you imagine the charm that he has or rather, the charm that he think he still have...

my father... someone who is always the one with a black face at home...even if there are jokes... the jokes will usually not last for more than half an hour... he will spoil the lively and happy environment in less than an hour when he start to do stuid things that will agitate my sisters and make them angry or upset... and he will continues to do whatever he like until he get what he wants despite my mother and i trying to ask him to stop... so conclusion is peace never last long in my house...

i think the above mentioned senerio is something that only happened recently...maybe i should just start from what happened and what i have heard of about him since young...

there are just so many things... i have a close nanny... she took care of us when my sister and i were young.. and i swear... one day i will also write an entry about this wonderful lady who do played a major part in my life.. my childhood... without her... i really cannot imagine what it will be like... all the things that she told me about my father and even my grandmother.. you will never imagine and i can never imagine hearing them from my mother also...

mine is a big family which my mother dont really give a damn to cause the people at the paternal side are mostly really nothing but rubbish.. i know that sounds bad and reflect badly on my mother... but when you are my mother, you really cannot help but think this way... yet.. despite all these, she is still giving all the due respect to people there...

i was born into this big family.. i dont even have a single idea how my dad got to know my mother.. my mother if given a chance will never choose my dad... that is for sure.. that is what i know about her... if she had a chance...

they got together through match making.. they met each other at the KFC in the shopping centre next to Beauty World shopping centre... from what i know... the wedding is held quite soon after the death of my grandfather... but i am not very sure about this fact though...

but for what i know..i have at least a half brother.. someone that i have yet to see... someone older than me... my dad had it with a girl... yet the family is not willing to accept the girl... so do you think that this marriage between my dad and my mother has my dad as the willing party?

both of them were quite of some age when they met each other... so i think that this marriage is not really something that both of them want but just something to force the two of them to settle down... especially for my dad...

i dont really know how to continue... but i will...

then came the marriage which i suppose to be a happy event since both families are eager to force their children to settle down... so after the marriage came me... i was brought to existance...

my mother had me... and something that no one can ever imagine happened... my dad had an affair outside... and please be assured that this will not be the only time that you see the word affair cause he just have more than one...

i dont know how things got settled or is it some family member drilled some senses into my dad before my birth... so i was born into this world... i lived with my grandmother or rather my family, the 3 of us stayed in the small apartment in Bukit Gombak with my grandmother till i am about 1 before shifting here to my current address...

according to my mother... my grandmother dont really cared much about her when she was in her confinement period... not much cooking done for her... not to say the next 2 birth of my sisters...

then during the about 1 year stay there, nothing much good and happy happened there...

i heard that i have a dad who forced open my eyes when i am young.. my mother concluded that that is the very reason why i have such bad eye sight in my right eye... thats her conclusion...

i heard that i have a dad who sent me a slap across my face when i am still a small baby... the only thing that my mother could do then was to take me to find my nanny, crying... the 2 of us crying...

he was drunk... drunk then but that does not seem to give him a reason to slap a baby across the face...

then shifted to the new house... came my 2 sisters... both pregnancy... not a single pregnancy that my mother have without worry... and yes.. my dad had affairs on both incidents.. i lost count of how many times le... seriously... i dont really care now...

i have a dad who get so drunk home most of the time... i have a dad who can be out at night for more than 3 days a week when i was young... my mother struggled to bring us up... never get much help from my dad... i admired and honour my mother.. she have the capability to carry one in her hand, pull one with the other and have one in her tummy... that was what happened during her third pregnancy when she still have to bring us to our nanny every morning before going to work...

i dont remember my dad paying for any bills at home not to mention giving us our allowance.. i think with the use of one hand i can count the number of times that he gave us money... and i only remember him bringing a lady home for a mahjong session only later to let us realise that he is having an affair with her... hold on.. did i say that that lady is an OLD lady?

maybe it is because of my dad that i never like the idea of coming home when i was young.. i like it at my nanny's house...

then come when we grow older... when i was only secondary one.. like i say... i dont like changes and that started since then... i never like the idea of hanging out with my secondary friends until quite late of the year... so do you think that i will have made my way to Jurong Point when i was just secondary one?

he questioned me... asked me why i went there... my cousin say she spotted me there... she have no idea what trouble she got me into when she said that...my cousins, or rather, other people's kids are always the good kids and the girl typing this here is the bad and naughty one...

he did not believe me... i am like that... i hate being wronged.. so i think that is the first time that i talked back to him... and i got a serious whacking for that...

up till now... i bet he still believe what my cousin said back then...

he still believe that other people's kids are better..

he gave me a slap across my face that sent me flying off my chair before... and he gave me whackings that no one can imagine... belt... canes... he stuffed chilli down my throat before too...

all these beatings that i have when i was young made me immuned to the beatings with one cane... at that point of time, one cane just have no effect... cause i am just so used to being beaten up by 3...

after every beating... every quarrel... he will come into my room to apologise when i tried to cry myself to bed... telling me why and how sorry he is for what he had done... i admit i am at fault at times but not all the time...

when i was young, i am just so used to all those fighting things that goes on outside and get brought back home... not only the fight between him and my poor mother, but also the fight he had with my cousin...

i can say my cousin deserve it since he is really a rubbish in the family.. but i do not think it is appropriate to bring that home right?

police came and the 3 of us are crying... we were young then... dont know how to react...

all these dispute and fight can last till late nights and i still have to get to school the next day...

that was most probably the past... i dare not say that things remained the same even now.. cause somethings did took a change for the better...

maybe because he was a gangster in the past... that is why he is so scare that his daughter will turn out to be some ah lian or something.. so he is always saying nasty things that make me sound so cheap... cause he will just assume that i will go out and do stupid things will idiot guys and get myself into some trouble... and that is the reason why i choose to tell my mother everything that is going on in my life now including whatever that is happening to me and around me...i think she needs assurance and she deserve to know them...

just sometime this year, my mother came to realise the existance of another girl in his life... even now.. i believe she is still there... in fact.. i think the whole family know that she is there just that no one choose to say anything about it... we all wanted peace after what happened a few months ago...

there is this huge argument... my mother called up my dad's boss only to realise that my father is not bringing money home because he spend them all and not like what he claimed.. he claimed that his boss is not giving him any... the whole thing exploded... not that much trust that my dad's boss is giving him and my nanny came over that night...

she came to try to solve the dispute and try to bring me away... i was crying like dont know what happened and i bet she is just afraid that i will do something silly... i stayed on and that is the worst period in my life so far that i can remember...

i cant deny the fact that he did bring us on holidays for 2 of my december holidays... but that only happens when he struck lottery... when was the last time we have holiday together as a whole family...

he had those bad things and hardly any good ones... he drink he smoke and it think his drinking is the source of all troubles... he can attempt to commit suicide when he is drunk... i experienced that twice and it is definitely not something nice... cause i do have fear for losing him... so i have to force my crying eyes to remain open to see that he dont do stupid things...

he is always doubtful of people and i think that is in the genes.. that may be the reason that cause me to be so paranoia...

i never blamed my mtoher for giving me a father like him... instead i blame myself for the existance in this world... cause without us, my mother could jolly well leave him and find the happiness she deserved...

i maybe very pessimistic but i never thought of death except when my dad and mother quarrel.. cause when that happen you will just wish that you are not there... cause if i am not there... my mother can just pack and leave... and i feel lost cause i just dont know what to do... my mother can actually attempt suicide when they quarrel... i witnessed her attempt once... he pulled her back...

peace never last long at home... there is just something going on now and my dad simply love locking himself up in his room... smoking... that stinks up the whole room...

so i suppose that is the story of my dad...

i have never written something like this...

i am not sad... i am just wondering why and how to make things better...

~*i still give him the respect that he deserve*~
~*i still greet him whenever he come home*~
~*although no one else in the house is doing that*~
~*hoping that he will change*~
~*hoping that he will learn*~