.::PARANOID::.

~*slap this paranoid girl here*~
~*but she is ok now*~
~*you know there is something in this world called MOOD SWING?*~

hmm...firstly... conclusion after back from Marina Bay... i am super careless... why did i even take the camera out in the first place? i saw the cam that morning and start to think... and i just took it... i never lost aniting before... not my wallet or even handphone... why i lose a 3 months old new camera that cost over 600 plus?

omg...it is like... sad... i am given one year to earn it back...

thanks a million to the one/s giving me all the hugs... you all rock or you rock... make si sun jealous... it did cheer me up... thank you... i am ok now le... to whoever you are... please reveal yourself... C=

everything still means so much to me...everything from youu...but youu never know...i never want to do anymore things that has got to do with youu...cause i don't to hurt myself and b a bad person...

~*cheerios*~
~* C= *~
~*it is still the same, youu*~

.::I AM OK LE::.

~*i know how over paranoid i am at times*~

haha... after playing maple... i think i xiang tong le... haha... congrats me please...

C=

but still youu are still dere...

.::ok...tomorrow will be a better day!!!::.

~*ok...decided...*~
~*tomorrow will be a better day*~
~* C= *~

hmm...what a day... i realise a sad truth... maybe he didnt mind... maybe he didnt realise... aiya... let it be... nothing to say i will not say anything le... just let nature take its course...

have fun...continue to have fun and let them say whatever they want... ya... i dont need to know anything... and i know things will be alright until they do the same stupid things again...

it is the thing that you realise when you force yourself out of the picture... letting yourself get away from your source of trouble... then things will be alright... alright as in you will not think so much... cause there is nothing much to do anymore... there is nothing much you have to do with him... so be it...

~*enjoy your day tomorrow!!!*~

.::maybe it is good to not have friends?::.

~*i seriously need a slap*~
~*someone please*~
~*but still today is a better day than yesterday*~

hmm...sometimes not thinking is really better... sometimes i am just thinking...maybe one will do better off without friends?or rather without close friends... you will then not to spend much time in trying to handle the friendship...for fear that any bad thing can happen or for fear that one day that friend might leave you...

there are just some things that are not within control... legs and brains and mouth and every other small little things are on your friend, not on you...so you cant control... so no point brooding over the same thing again and again... but still... i cant control... so do you think i deseve a slap?

things are just easier said than done...

to me... i know i demand alot from friends... so much that i think i am a monster or something.. maybe i am related to RAR RAR RAT... do your know he can turn into a MONSTER MOUSE when he hock up?

that is the reason why the very first friendship in nan hua end...so long... i find it so sad to end it... but still i am a leo... i cant accept being lead around then...

no trust...3 is a crowd...it is hard to maintain a friendship that involve 3 people... cause it is just so hard to make sure that no one is left out... it is saddening to see 2 whispering and you not knowing anything...

things are just so expected... never expect him to give it a damn anyway... he never... or should i say hardly? he is not that bad afterall...

i feel as though i am using my horoscope as an excuse for behaving the way i am... do i have the rights to that? i am already getting confused...

i want to be recognised... scary ah me...? till now i am just thinking that i did things for nothing... he never seem to care... to him...things are just nothing... nothing BIG...

i never liked being wronged... i never like being kept in the dark... i think these are the only 2 things that i cant stand... but he never know... maybe he did... but he never see it as something BIG...

how many actually know?of those who know, how many actually believe me? i am stuck to this f*cking thing ever since the day i happen and don't know which clever idiots think i was the one...got mouth like don't have like that... no one involve knew who did it... i cant say... i can never say it...

stop saying i never ask... feel like slapping your face... aiya... i kapo la...

try pressing you rwarm face to someone's cold butt... does it feel nice? i hate that feeling... and i will hardly give myself a chance to feel that feeling...

i am really a monster... i cant remember anything that he had done fo me before... i am stuck in my own world... world where i am the best...i know that... slap me to wake me please...

everyone changes... i cant stop that... my fault for being away for long... maybe...

let things be over soon... i never like talking to them anymore... dont like the feeling...

ARGH!!! get out... i feel like screaming at people's face now... please...someone...

to youu: i am starting to wonder whether what youu are doing are worth it... things just seem so endless and unpredictable...

to you: you didnt get anything... you just continued with the way you do your own things... somethings that you didnt realised hit the start button and i start the whole process again...thinking about the same lame thing again... knowing the outcome even before it start but i cant control... like i say, it is never anything BIG to you... you are just concern with you,yourself,yours and still you... the topic and the listener... let things end soon please...

]]doubt the you will be reading this anyway...as if he will notice the blog... as if he will notice the change in nickname... as if he care... as ifhe think it is something BIG...[[

school starting and so many thousand million things undone... omg...i think i cant make it... have to jiayou... C=

~*let things end soon*~
~*stop saying the same thing you*~
~*enjoy life youu*~
~*stop thinking JIEYIM!!!*~

.::what a day::.

~*thank you Si Aun*~
~*thank you Daryl*~
~*...for listening...*~

what a day...laughter... and jokes... i know i promised myself a much happier entry today... but...hmm... i cant seem to that now... sorry... it is the time that i blog and the things that i thought about before i blog...

what a day... i thought i should not have thought about those things again... but still i did... the whole day... behind those smiles and laughter today... still...

anyway... peixuan and hannqian... the previous entry was not directed at your... cool... C=thanks for being nice nice juniors...

the others also...by the way...

thank you si aun for being a good listener... a good 'son'...

thank you daryl for being a good listener too... you know how i feel... C=

the smile is so bitter... it is not from the heart... not that i am not thankful but just that it is not enough to make m smile... maybe when school re open i will be better... better cause i do not need to handle all these things again and cause i know that by school re open, i will be the most outdated one AGAIN...

the same thing... the message did not reach the one i intented... i should have been used to things being one-way...

JIE YIM... IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT... RATHER ONE-WAYED... INSTEAD FOR A FEW... WAKE UP... DON'T DROWN YOURSELF IN YOUR WONDERFUL DREAM AGAIN...

I Should have expected things to be like that... then why did i still bother so much? i don't know... silly me huh...

it is nice to act as though there is something going on... let the one wonder who it is... revenge... but i wonder... does anyone catch that message?

ok...maybe the tone for this entry will get lighter and lighter... cause i am currently mapling...

i feel like crying... i don't know how to continue actually...

seriously if that person was someone else i would not have cared... seems to be considering for me but did you ever think how i will feel? you would not like that feeling too... did you realise that? no you did not...

so like i say... one-way-ed

say i feelso bad... feel as though i very KAPO... don't say...keep thinking... it would not help... i rather choose to say... i have been thinking from day 1... i thought i make myself clear once but what i get in the end?

everything is just so long and draggy... what long story it turnt out to be... what long story it can be...how long the story can be? how long will the gist be? what matters has always been the heart...

things never get any better... like expected?

AIYO...PLEASE SLAP MI HARD... i feel so silly... knew that it was expected still sad... ARGH!!!

i like time alone when i am sad...someone just half to come up and ask and that will touch my heart... thank you peixuan... you were the one... you asked... something short... and not knowing... but you did touch my heart... i was not feeling good then... C=

but walking through changi airport alone seems nice... suggestion...run away from home can run there... ok...that shall be what i will do if i runaway from home...

terrible night... it is time to get myself a dream catcher.. i need one... cry myself to sleep... terrible dreams... never once good... make one myself... my old one without feathers le...

anyway...no longer feel like typing names of people... maybe not giving it a damn right from the very start will not make me like that now... easy...just don't associate...i think i can do that... but my heart...

just ended the call with wahtuck...somethings are just difficult to let go that easily...i am trying...all along i am trying to... but sometimes the heart just lead the way...

thank you wah tuck for helping me to cry...crying make me feel better... thanks for listening... i feel silly...

to SiAun,Daryl,WahTuck: 'thank you... i know your will keep what i said a secret... C='

still i must thank you for all the jokes all these years...
making me laugh when i am being unreasonable...
unreasonable and getting angry over nothing...
you made me laugh...
although i told you more than once that i laugh do not means i am no longer sad or angry...
i am just a failure at controlling my laughter...
but all these years i am immuned...
and things have changed...
you are no longer the one i know...
so be it... it is always your choice...
so much similarities between your...
not for my case...
so much difference...
i thought i know you but then i realise i don't...
sad case ah? what a failure i have been...
don't tell me that things lies with me...
don't tell me i didn't ask...
cause i cant...
the ratio is wrong...
i am already biased...
i thought things were ok all along...
but...
there is always a 'but'...
i was wrong..
all along wrong...
so what can i say?...
maybe everything should not be this way right from the start...
but still i must thank you...
until everything is over, i don't think i will associate myself with you...
until everything is over...
soon i suppose...
but yet i doubt you will realise me moving far away...
i know you...
C=

don't ask me who the message is for... cause i know i die die will not say one... keep SECRET... C= purposely or not i don't know...maybe half half... but anyway... there are still things that i need to learn and there are things that i cant imagine yet... i don't wish to think till the day come...

cheerios people... life rocks when you don't think so much and just have fun... hmm... easier said than done but at least you will try will you not?

it is always btte rto be happy than sad... please tag... thank you a million for reading so far... all the stupid sad things about me...

C=
what the smile >>>C= means still means the same thing... just that youu never know... yes... youu...

~*let time solve it*~
~*youu never know*~
~*you never know*~
~*it is just different*~

.::about me::.

~*i searched for somethings about my zodiac sign online*~

You should be leo!Leo is the fifth Sign of the Zodiac. These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. Leos are an ambitious lot, and their strength of purpose allows them to accomplish a great deal. The fact that these folks are also creative makes their endeavors fun for them and everyone else. It's quite common to see a Leo on stage or in Hollywood, since these folks never shy away from the limelight. They are also supremely talented and have a flair for the dramatic. Warmth and enthusiasm seems to seep from every Leo pore, making these folks a pleasure to be around. They do love pleasure!


and


The sign Leo is symbolized by the Lion.Your sign's element is Fire. Leo is ruled by the Sun.You are highly dramatic and like to be center stage. Leo is poised and confident, loyal, sincere, and makes a good organizer.
Leo is proud and dignified, enthusiastic, and ambitious. Leo likes luxury and pleasure and is willing to pay the price for it. Leo is colorful, self assured, outgoing, impulsive and expansive. Leo is authoritative and affectionate. You expect praise and you give praise.
Possible negative aspects of the sign Leo: You can be jealous, arrogant, vain, self centered, and a show-off demanding attention. You are flashy, domineering, and
snobbish, and have feelings of superiority over others.


~*ok...thAt is just so me*~

i Never forget i Am A leo...Neither Am i letting it leAD my wAy...i Am just like thAt...

whAt Are you thiNkiNg now, jieyim?...the truth is... i Am thiNkiNg About A lot of thiNgs... so mANy thAt i eveN thiNk thAt i Am scAry...

i seem to be DemANDiNg too much... but come to thiNk of it... mAybe i Am just kApo?... but seriousLy i doN't thiNk i Am...

i was ok...until you said those words... maybe not directed at me... but i was like... 'hey...you do feel that way too?'... i decided to be a listener...that means whatever that come in will just stay there... no thinking or much processing will be done... cause i think it will not be necessary to process...

so how will i be troubled when i just listen?

i am always the last few to know... you just said i never asked... hmm... i never have the time to ask every single one of them...

maybe it will be ok... ok if we were never so close as friends before... you will then be just like the others... i wouldn't be thinking so much now...

always saying the same thing over and over again... i never like the feeling of not knowing something... it is ok to keep things away from me... but provided that i never hear anything about it... why let me hear abit and yet not tell me?

it feel just worst when the people you are going out with knows about it... most of them know about it... except me... what group do i fall into then? to me i fall into the group of untrusted ones... not close friends ones...

what a christmas this year...

what a holiday this year...

thats me... and shut the crap and stuff... stop whispering in front of me... don't expect me to tell you anything... let you have a taste how bad that feel... secrets huh... what secret it is when you know something is going on?

a fool or idiot i am... trying to probe and i got words telling me to shut up...

~*ENOUGH*~
~*I MIND*~

`as if the message will reach the person i am directing it at`

'what a christmas'

.::grow up le::.

~*its now my time to learn to grow up*~

three years passed just like that... those time that we spent after dance on all those Saturdays, talking to them, repeating the same things week after week... never expect them to grow up... always thought that they wouldn't...hmmm... but please look at them now... haha...

come to think of this christmas, it seems like one rather sad one... think how will things be like next year... NHDS will no longer have the whole gang of sec3 boys there... hmm...it will just seem so not right to me...

yea... si aun... i am trying to move on... i think i am... hmm... you will see lesser of me next year if my time table sucks...cause if seems to take me at least half hour to get me from my school back to nan hua... and...hmm...whats for next year? A level? oopx...

hmm...please be guai wild cave kids...haha... don't ask me how you get that nams... sec3 boys... daryl gave your that name... haha...

thank you for all the nice memories...

~*i though they will never be able to grow up*~
~*but i was wrong*~
~*look at them now*~
~* C= *~

--to youu : did you realise that things are still the same?my thinkings,feelings,everything--

.::so far::.

~*so many things to say*~
~*so many things not done*~
~*so many regrets*~
~*so many sorries*~
~*so many whys*~
~*so many confusion that i have no idea what all these is about*~

even before i start, i should apologise...haha... blog dead for so long...

anyway... so many things happened... so many and yet i only remeber the bad ones... hmm...why?... i don't know... but i still do remember that i picked up a sabretooth and someone gave me a silver snowboard... thanks a million...

anyway... ya... so many things that needs to be done... and so many things that are done by me... and some others and i am feeling guilty that i actually did that... regret for what so ever that had happened... if your know what i am talking about... i failed to consider and think for everyone again...who am i to deserve what they are saying? i am not that great afterall...

hmm... maybe what i heard was just what a certain someone had said... as in maybe that person is just making up things that do not exist... but since no one seems willing to tell me what happen, i can only choose to accept what i heard... for after so long, i finally know the reason why he choose to leave in the first place... never thought about that at all...

so many problems caused due to all those acts of mine... at least a lesson learnt though... learnt no to do anything... and i am trying to control...

never know that all these could have happen... refering to all of them... only when the thing is starting to stir then i realise what a fool i have been... i am always feeling that i am a fool...

but somehow i have learnt to take things as they come... because happy or not... you still have to smile... you still have to laugh... i know if i cry, i will be the one at fault... i tried to control... i tried...

i miss them... i miss every single one of them...

sometimes i just wish that i do not know anything bad... at least things will still be the same...

all those meetings and things that i have said... how i hope that they never come out of my mouth...

sorries to those who understand what i am talking about... i contributed to things... maybe i am starting to miss myself... miss those days when everything is just so so peacefull...

maple kept me company these few nights... i will be so tired that the moment i off my computer i will just fall asleep... i am not thinking that much...

today... what have i done all along to deserve this kind of treatment? all the problems that i know... i wanted to solve them... i am trying my best...but she no longer needs me... why are there changes? i never like changes... i rathe rlife be the same... let the people around me be how they used to be... she is no longer the one whom i know what she is thinking... someow sheis different... arrogant?proud?or just trying to be strong? i don't know... but one thing for sure... she just falls in the group that i can never comprehen... never able to guess what they are thinking about...

sometimes it is just not good to be able to guess people's minds... cause when you obviously know that you are right and yet when you asked them they said otherwise, you will just feel hurt... hurt that they are not telling you the truth... although you knwo that they have their reasons... but it just hurts...i dont know why... i never like secrets

if you dont want to let me know anything, then dont even let me know of it's existance... once i know, you will have to tell me...

i never like to see people depressed and not know what is going on...

i start to realised that those whom i once treated as matured in thinkings, are not that matured afterall...maybe they changed or maybe i was wrong right from the start...

he changed you... i dare not say that i am putting in my most effort for this thing but i can just admit that we are different in our piorities... there some things that i think they are more important than any other thing...

i dont know how to continue... because...thinking back, everything was cause by my own doings...

there are just some memories that i choose to remove them from my handphone... because there are just things that i do not see the point in placing them at places that i will easily catch a glimpse of... it is sometimes better to keep things at the hidden corners of my heart...

only those who are concerned will know what i am really thinking about... for they will be the ones willing to ask...

i dont know what more changes will happen day after day.. let my holidays pass peacefully...

i am trying to let it be peaceful... it is just good to treat her as a stranger... not that i wanted to... but i just dont know how to settle it... i will only end up with heartaches... not me, not her but someone else...

haas... if you ever have the chance to see my swollen eyes, you should be feeling glad for me... cause i manage to let things out... i cant even cry now...

~*i hate changes*~
~*what will things be like half a year later?*~
~*what can i do to solve and settle everything?*~
~*missing you, youu, them*~
~* C= *~

.::tired again...sec3guys...whats going on?::.

~*haha...dance camp over*~

ok...haha thanks for reminding mi that my blog is dead for so many days,... hmm... really was busy and i choose maple over

blogging... maple rocks k...

haha... so many things happened... i cried so many times during camp... hmm... i dunno wad to say la... but... hmm... but i

hope tat things are still the same for the guys...

hmm...like i say before... it is usually me one... to alot... never seems like the other way round.. i am quite tired...

quite tired of fearing n taking care of all of them... maybe it is time to stop? haix... it will only be another way round

when i started showing black face... haix... but whatever... i am still happy now... so let it be...

~*there are some things that when i know i can help*~
~*jia you guys!!!~*

.::where am i now?::.

~*hey...this is a happy entry*~
~*cause i am not irritated by my stupid computer at home*~
~*hmm...cause i am not at home now*~

hmm...ok...a few days for me to escape from reality... i am now at genting highlands... once i go back to singapore tomorrow, everything will be the same busy thing for me again...

so many things...project work... my I AND R... totally not done... this is really one big escape...

hmm...cant imagine... blogging at genting... never in my life...maybe this once... got two hours for me to spend...hmm...quite a lot of things to do... alot that i cant do at home... due to my stupid computer..

sometimes an escape like this is cool...maybe i shall try playing counter strike later... hmm... i tried just now...but i am just not talented...

cool huh... last night ride was alright... the others with me are having fun... hmm... nevermind... it is ok...

his nickname never change... i never anicipated that... but i should have guessed so long ago... as in... hmm... who is she... and who is he? they were just like that lah... aiya... things just keep changing...

hmm...this is a happy entry right? i said so right? hmm... maybe i shall stop typing before i run out of topic and go into something worst...

ok... that day went to sengkang... taught those kids from nan chiau primary school... hmm... first time... abit stressed but i survived... with the help of christine and cassandra... hmm... cute kids there...

never ever imagine that i can actually take a class... i am so lan... that is what i think...

oh ya... my friendster... i bet it is rotting away... all thanks to the stupidity of my computer at home... i shall go settle that now!!!

maybe there will be another entry later...

~* C= *~
~*the smile is still there*~
~*who knows what that means to me?*~
~*the things may change, but most things are still the same*~

.::a happy entry::.

~*let this be some happy entry*~
~*since i cant cry everything out*~
~*do i have a choice but to remain happy?*~

i assume life is like that...i never have a choice whether to cry or not...because tears and smiles are never things that are within my control...

a smile can just seem so easy when you are happy...but when you are sad,even if there is a smile on your face, it is never genuine...

i like tears more than smiles... cause tears are more truthful than smiles... it is hard to force tears onto your face when you cant cry... but it is easy to force a smile onto your face when you cant smile...

you can always doubt someone who is smiling but you can hardly or never doubt someone who is crying... thats me... thats what i am thinking...

why am i always looking back? wondering what will happen if somethings were not done or if somethings were done, where will i be now? wondering where is the old me...

let this be one of the few happy entry that i have for this blog...

anyone still remember the old me? i only remember i am happier that way...not now... but what i can do?i cant get the old me back...

not regrets but i am always wondering...if i took another path, where will i be now?will i be happier? no one can tell me the answer... that is something that is similar in all our life... we never know how will things turn out to be if we took another path...

will youu be happy?will i be happy? the latter never seems to be in my consideration...cause others' happiness are in your control but yours is in others...

thats my thinking...

seems like this just cant be the few happy entries that my blog has...

maybe if your see me with swollen eyes tomorrow, your should be glad that i will be leading a happy day tomorrow... at least i cried things out tonite...

but i guess that that tomorrow will never come...cause i cant cry...maybe i am just not sad enough...

C=

it is easy to type that smile...but it mean nothing anymore... i hope that it dont mean anything anymore...but i cant... cause i am just another useless freak...

everything still seems to be the same...but in actual fact, they are not... cause there are just so many differences now...

i want to consult my tarots but do i have the courage to go and admit what it will reveal?admit and accept that what it states there is true and someday it will happen? fear that it will only be another wait that i can never understand...

hehe...i am so AA...so attracting attention here now...but it is my blog...

there is still much things i want to tell youur but i cant...i dont know how to handle whatever consequences that may come along...

be happy...it is something that i can never do for youu...

how i wish time can fly faster...let me grow up to support myself and give mama more happiness...dont let her suffer...

~*youu will be happy*~
~*i know*~
~*that is what i tell myself*~
~*till then, everything for now shall be memories*~
~*i will treasure till then*~

.::my life::.

~*i led a few happy days*~
~*those happy days excluded PW time*~
~*but now, i am sad again*~

everything seems to have come to an end... no more good night messages that i can send...maybe it is just about time to end things.. anyway, that is just what he want... he said that a lot of times...always the nice way but i never accept that... in the end i am the one sad...hmm...maybe it is just not worth it...

haix...but who cares, i expected this day to come anyway... still holding onto hopes at first but later then i realise everything is just nothing...

i was swing back to reality when i know i am just nothing...

then i came to remember those words...it is better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him... sometimes these things are just hard to settle on...cause the one you love may not be the one who love you...

all those stupid C= and youu... maybe it is time to dump everything off...but just as what i had always said, it is always easier said than done...

it is real nice if my world is filled with little babies... babies that cant talk yet...they are just so cute and easy to hang out with.. there is never a need to hide yourself and be fake in front of them...cause they are true to you as you are true to them...

i never intend to turn this into a depressing blog...i never intend to...but what are just those small things that can make me happy? youu know... i bet... but that will never be the case... so it is time to turn to other things to make me happy...babies... C=

i wanna leave town... to any where... anywhere that can let me not think of things that are unhappy...

are youu reading this? i was shocked when i know youu read my blog... but i will be even more shocked if youu are still reading it now... cause i thought youu no longer care...

i always have that feeling... it is harsh and bad to say that out...but i somehow think that i dont really care... we are just making use of each other... dont youu agree?

haix...life is like that... i am evil... hear my evil laughter? i never turn everything to the extreme end even if i hate that person to the core... cause it is pointless... who knows when i will need his or her help again?

but it is different here... youu will never understand...

can i leave town yet?

~*hmm...if youu are reading this entry*~
~*as i had said, i would be shocked*~
~*but youu know who youu are*~
~* C= *~

.::happy me?::.

~*it is easier to not care about anything*~
~*but someday everything will just come crushing down again*~

ok...i am promoted... i should be happy about that... yeah...but it mean nothing to me...it only meant more work next year... have to control le...

haix... why am i always feeling so sad? i am tired of finding reasons to why i am sad le... it is somehow always the same few things... the same old stupid useless issues... only if your know what i am talking about...

i hate people coming into my life and leaving my life... that is the reason why i do not have close friends now bah...no extremely close ones like those that i had when i was in secondary one...

those that you always hang out with and never with others... but... now no more...

even watching a drama series coming to an end... i also few kind of sad... will kind of miss those characters...although i know right from the start it is only A SHOW... but still... haix... useless me
someone once told me that...when you miss those characters in a drama series after watching it...it means you are in love... in love with someone...that is why you put in so much effort into appreciating the drama... so does that mean that i have someone in my heart now?

it is a sad thing to admit... but yes... sadly...yes... it is never a happy thing to fall in love... cause i never get what i want... and i am used to it... and i shall be happy with what i have... C=

the smile means something to me... i dont know why... C=

i will try to be happy... i looked happy when i am with you guys... i supposed so... but i hate times like this... sad and alone... hmm... i am waiting for some replies or something...but i never get any...

things are no longer the same... when your are bored...your can sms me... i will reply if i am free... C=

like i say...no matter what youu do... there is always a reason... so far most of them are like that... what can i say? i cant do anything... that is your choice... not mine... i can only take it or leave it...

i used my tarot cards.. i trust them...but it is always the same thing...all the bad things are accurate but never the good ones... they are always not accurate... or maybe i am just waiting for the day that these good things to happen to come... a long wait...

i believe in dreamcatcher... i hardly have bad dreams... it somehow make m happy to realise that dreamcatcher keeps my bad dreams away... maybe by making one and giving it, will make one happy...

~*the earth is rotating*~
~*but it never seems to be for me*~
~*how i wish that things were the way they are weeks ago*~
~*since the earth is not rotating for me...*~
~*it will never stop for me*~
~*so be it*~
~*i accept it*~

[please believe me... i tried to be happy... i am happy most of the time.... but that feeling is just not good when everything just come down together...be happy is my goal for life.... so i tried to be happy...]
~*i will be happy for tomorrow after this entry*~

.::tired::.

~*haix...i am tired*~
~*hanging out with family friends just seems better*~

i just feel that you come to me only when you need my help most of the times.... i am so so tired of that... so please stop... i dont need that...

you never care...or should i say you did but not enough? haix... stop all these... i am sick and tired of them and did i say before i hate this kind of people? but how to bring myself to hate everyone, including you?

sometimes maybe i should be happy that i am getting calls or messages from you but what for? most of the time you needed my help...

maybe i should not have thought too much right from the start.. hmm... things will then be happier that way... anyway... i am trying to look from another point and look at the brighter side... i am trying.,.. i really am... and i think i can say that i am feeling better...

hanging out with family friends seems better... so straight forward to each other... never have to hide any thing... just say everything... cool... hee... C=

a C= smile is... hmm... i should not say...

~*maybe you think i am not talking about you*~
~*but actually i am*~
~*you know what you had done*~

.::sorry is all that i can say::.

~*sorry*~
~*thats all i can say*~
~*somehow it just seems like the same mistake*~
~*someone out there*~
~*kill me please*~

i am so tired of everything... so sorry about everything... i dont know what she is thinking or what he is thinking... sorry is all i know now...

but somehow no one just seems to care... no matter how many apologies i give, i know it will change nothing...

why must this have to happen? maybe i should have just stayed at home and study and be a good girl...

the same old mistake... i did something wrong... i conveyed the message without thinking about consequences...

i am tired of crying... i cried the whole night... something just triggers off everything... and i cried the whole night...

what is this? someone tell me how to solve this problem? i created a mess out of everything...

i dont know how to face them all... how? i didnt mean it... i didnt think... i am starting to feel stupid... i am very stupid right from the start... there is just so many things that i feel but i cant say it out...

so many that i am tired of keeping them inside me...

so many that i dont know who to turn to cause i dont think they will believe me...

i waited but there was no reply... no reply... no one bother to reply or no one knows what to reply...

someone please settle this...

i shall not be the one in between anymore... i am scared... very scare... scare that i will make a blunder out of everything and make things worse...

he is always there for you... so much that he had done for you... for one sentence, you overlook all the past that your had together... it is unfair to him...

everyone knows how tiring it is to wait for someone... there will be times that you may just say that you want to give up but i know that things are not that easy... it is only something that comes out from your mouth and not your heart...

it is just something from his mouth and not from his heart...

i am feeling very guilty... how am i suppose to sit for my exams when i realised i do not even have the basic common sense?

seems like everything just started out with me...

i am starting to feel so stupid... what have i done to deserve all these?

i kept saying sorry but i know they dont help... but what else can i say?

sorry... there are just so many things that i know one word is not enough to do any help... sorry...

maybe it is time to reconsider my use on this planet Earth... before i contribute to further depletion of the resources... maybe it is time i do some contribution... to be part of the fertiliser for the earth...

when will that day come? i dont know... maybe it will come fast cause i cant find any meaning in me, such a useless person's use on Earth...

forgiveness maybe something nice and happy but i know it is something hard to achieve...

things are not the end between your two... i sort of contributed the start... i will not allow me to be the one who lead an end to it...

this thing is not destinated to end yet... not yet... not now... not when i caused everything.. not when everything is because of something that i said...

i am tired... i hope i can choose not to help buti realise that the trouble is because of me... i have no choice but to continue....

both of your deserve to be happy... please be happy... your know how to make each other happy... just whether you choose to do things that way or not...

~*forgive me*~
~*dont let things end this way*~

.::peace please::.

~*indecisive*~
~*me too*~

the same things are just happening again... the way things are repeating... to me, i felt just like

a friend that you turn to when you need company... never the one always there... can i be the one

always there?

sometimes i am thinking... maybe i should be contented with what i have now... but the more i get.

the more i yearn for... the more i hope for, the greater the disappointment... why am i like that or

all people and human on earth are like that...

quote what my mother said... the chinese character for the word ren is so easy to write... just two

strokes... but in real life, how hard it is to be one...

the world is just so full of mystic...

things are always going in circles... even love...

things are coming to an end soon... very soon i hope...

he is leaving my life soon... if things dont get resolved... leaving will be the only way out...

please leave peacefully and give me peace... not trouble...

as for the other one, the more he give, the more i hope for and as i said, the greater the

disappointment...

i am getting sick and tired of everything... everything that is happening...

maybe one day if they dont leave me, i shall leave them and leave the world... that will be the most

extreme case...

i hope that is only something that i said when i am depressed... hope i wouldnt do anthing...

i give up on telling people around me to stop smoking for good le...

since young... that has always been revolving around me... he is always smoking... whenever i tell

him to stop, his answer will always be a NO...

i came to realise that people who smoke actually know that it is not good for them... but they still

choose to do the same thing... so to stop or not to sop will never be determine by me...s o to stop

smoking or not will never be my business unless i smoke...

i am never the best daughter that he ever has... she is always the best... even though she is no

longer calling him 'dad' when he come home... even though she is always throwing temper at him for

his unreasonable acts...

i am always the one who greets him when he come home... even though no one else in the house is

already doing the same thing... i am always the one who try to put up with his unreasonable acts and

try to curb my temper before him... but whatever i do, he never understand... he never appreciate...

the three of us... why cant he just wake up? no one bothers about him anymore... they claimed that

they will never provide for him in future... but still i am trying to do my best to persuade them to

take care of him when he is old... i will take care of him when he is old... but what i get? i am

still not the best daughter he ever has...

not like i die must be the best... but can he at least treat me better or treat the family better

and stop letting his warm face stick to that cold butt of my sister...

he never trust me... once... my cousin claimed that she saw me at JP... when i was still a secondary

one nerdy kid... i never step my foot into JP without my relatives before at that time... but he

just believe what he heard and dont trust me...

he is always saying the same nasty things whenever he see me going out... he want me to behave

myself outside...

dont go out and luan gao... dont let me see you with some guys outside... hello... that is what he

always say... never will it be 'watch out for cars when you cross the road'

to him, i am just one of those potentially flirty girls that he meet outside... someday i may end up

home, PREGNANT... that is what he think... cause girls that he met are all like that...

he never know what a kid want... he never know what HIS kids want...

we never want him home DRUNK... home all BLODDY after a fight with someone... or home with some

trouble or problem with ANOTHER girl...

but that is just what he is always bringing home...

he used to bring home supper or bring me out to shop for groceries...

never... it has been ages since he brought home supper... he never shop for groceries with us

anymore...

what i want is just a simple dad who, the minimum, can provide for the family... his bad temper is

never the problem... i dont mind having a father who whack me up when i do something wrong...

but can he at least pay some respect for me?! i am not like those girls that he meet outside...

she is getting tired... me too... when all my friends are enjoying their childhood... when all my

friends are getting amazed by what their mother getting pregnent really means, i am crying away with

my mother over him having another girl outside...

sometimes i am just thinking...what have i done to deserve all these?

i got a father who never really dotes on his daughter
i got a father who never really care for the family
i got a father who never really trust me
i got a father who never really knows how to treasure what he has

all these are just so bad... so bad that i dont know how to handle except for him leaving my life...

ya... she may be lonely for the rest of her lfe... but i rather her be lonely then having someone

who will make her sad for the rest of her life...

the only thing i can do now is to support her in whatever she do...

she had cried a lot... although i once thought that tears is no longer an option...

sometimes i just hate this home... i dont know how to face him... dont know what more nasty things

he will say or nasty things that he will do...

stop scaring the dog!!!

since i was young, i know that this marriage will never last... cause there is no reason for it to

last...

since i was young, i know that i had a foolish father who will never be faithful... cause there is

no way he will be faithful...

i know i cant hate him... should not hate him... but things are getting out of hand... i can no

longer control...

~*leave my life*~
~*dont give me hope*~
~*give me the real things*~
~*or just simply peace*~

~*why am i feeling down again?*
~*is it because of the same thing?*~
~*i suppose it is*~
~*why?*~
~*i dont know how to pen them down here*~

hmm...things were quite alright i suppose... but i have some idea why i am here adding sorrows to my blog again... but i just dont know how to put them all in word...

they had a quarrel... i was not at home then... but it was shocking to let all things come to light... saddening...

why do i feel like i am being used by him? just felt that there is a purpose or motive behind everything he do... can someone tell him to stop that or do something else that wont gave me the wrong imprsseion? things are just coming and going the way they want... not the way i want...

maybe she should leave her... she said that she is tired... so many years... so many times... so many forgiving and so many quarrels... so much that even we are getting tired...

maybe i should have encourage her to get things over and done with... i dont need someone like him... someone who bears no responsibility in any way...

since when am i waiting again? i am forever waiting for the same old things... ok... so what if i am waiting... one of the sole purpose in life the moment you are born is to wait for death to arrive...

i had a weird dream... a dream that seems more like a drama... a drama that i am glad will never happen... because for me, dream are just the opposite of reality...

how i wish i can dream of me waiting for the same old things tonight... to get me the opposite...

anyone can be reading this entry now... anyone under the sun... if you get what i mean ten you get it... if you dont, then you dont...

can they leave, how i wish they never came into my life... but if they dont, where will i be? i am brought back to the same old situation that happen before... the same feeling, the same problem... the problem that never seems to be able to have a solution except for time to wash away everything... peace in my heart seems impossible...

maybe when i am alone... peace is attainable... maybe when i am alone, i am able to give myself hope telling myself that things are ok... but the greater the hope, the greater the fall.. i never had peace in trying to give myself hope...

for once i thought that things will be ok.. but i am wrong to think that way because things are never ok... when will they be ok? when they leave? when they learn? when they realise that everything good is just right before them? when will that day come? i dont know...

maybe no one ever have peace in their heart before... there is always something there... something that make you sad... some sad memories... what are the things that really matters? who knows? how you define peace? who knows?

when will they learn? i dont know... i bet even they also have no idea...

i am approaching the stagnent frame... something that leave me with no choice but to let time wash away the sorrows...

i once said that they were alike.. ok... i said for more than once... but will they ever remember? ok i said it to only one of them... they never realise they are alike because they always fail to see the true them that we see...
*if you remember me saying you are like someone else that i know... then maybe you are the ones that i am talking about here... any doubt can come and ask me... but again... i have the choice to say or not say...*

but i doubt they will be reading my blog...

ok... i bet i am getting everyone confused... for this entry and the previous one, any doubt can come and ask me...althoug i said before dont approach me regarding my entries... this is exception... i think most likely i will tell your what is going on... because i just think that everything is just so complicated... hmmm... or should i say i am making things complicated...

~*please leave my life*~
~*before everything becomes stagnent*~
~*leaving me with no choice but for time to wash away everything*~
~*me?him?her?us?i?you?he?she?we?mine?they?his?her's?their?
~*nothing matters*~
~*peace*~

.::why like that? he SUCK!!!::.

~*i dont know if it is true*~
~*i let my instinct guide my way*~
~*i assume it is*~

ok...i know that was a wrong thing to do but i didnt do it alone... i did it with her...

things like that happened in the past before... maybe i was young then, i dont understand what is love, what is commitment and what is everything really about... but now, i think i do...

the same thing seems to have happen again... i have kept a secret for years... i didnt know how to tell her... that had never occurr to her... to her, he had only made the mistake three times... but to me, 4... including this, 5... it is alot...

i dont know why am i so disturb by this... we were looking through things and things just come to light late in the night... like around 2.30am, which is like just now? haix... i wonder how is she going to sleep tonight...

he once hinted... what will happen if i am with your friend? then we found 2 things that we should not have seen... 1-a 4D with the last 4 number of her phone number... 2-a piece of paper from both hers workplace, but surely was given by that third party...

all these are more than enough to convince me that he is with her... but i just cant believe it... how can things be like that? both are with families and attached...

yes...we suspected that another party was present all along... the whole family does... maybe i should not be writing this things here now... but i really cant help it...

my sis was so strongly against it... i talked her out of it... i get her to treat him with more respect... but still things are still like that...

tears no longer seems to be on her face... crying no longer seems to be an option for her... her only options now is to leave or stay... we are for leaving... but how will he handle it? what will he demand? i really dont know... and i dont wish to know... what will he do? i dont know...

he came home drunk today... should i be glad that this actually gave us a chance to check things out or blame him for giving us the chance... i rather be living in teh world filled with unknown so that i will never come to realise that the her in his life now is a close friend of the rightful and lawful her...

i feel like crying... it is not affecting me directly and i am already feelign so bad... how will she be able to sleep?

my instinct tells me that it is her... we got it right... but WHY ARE THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE NOW?

so lets assume that it is her... dont they even feel GUILTY?!

sometimes i hope that half of me should not be in this world... she should not have met him... she deserved someone better... someone much much better... she should not be suffering now because of him and for us...

i know i said i only hate one person in my whole life but i am starting to hate him too... he shall be the 2nd and maybe the her will be the 3rd...

this will be so tiring... hating someone is so difficult... difficult because i have to think for her... i dont want her to be sad... i can only put on an act...

like i say... it is normal to act in life... everyone is acting sometimes, somewhere, somehow...
he disturb everyone around him... i start to wonder whether every man on earth is like him... why cant guys LIKE HIM just be contented with what they have in life?!

~*can he get out of my life?*~
~*but i can i bear to see that happen?*~

.::JIEYIM rocks!!!::.

~*GP tml!!!*~

i am having my GENERAL PAPER tomorrow... hmm... can anyone tell me what i am doing here? haha... seriously i dont know lah...

i have not yet touched anything on GP... and i am tired of doing the chemistry study so i decide to stop and fold some paper crane...

hmmm...

and i tried to build up my bond with my tarot cards...

hint hint... my birthday next year i want tarot cards!!! save money!!! i owe alot of people money... oopx... sori...

haha...

last year i hint and i say i want big big huggy bear or some soft toy... sobs... but i got nothing this year... haha... hinting AGAIN huh... lol

haha

ok lah... admit it... i still have mood swings... but controlling myself le lah... haha... at least i dont think that much le lor... like... look at the brighter side of life...

haha.. congrats to ME!!! what am i doing? crapping...

haha

PROMOS!!! what if i fail? what if i fail my Project Work? what if i retain? hmmm... i dont know!!! chiong ah!!! study hard...

haha... isolate myself...

hmm...

haha...sianx...

and for one thing... thank you chuyun ==also know as dallan== for the chocolate!!! i am shocked when you gave it to me... haha... but thank a million... hmm... u rocks... muack... haha...

next...

hmm...
i shall stop teasing dallan and chuyun... haha... i try... the cresent girls started everything... haha...

chuyun or also known as dallan might be reading this now...

haha

ok...sunday... dance was fun lah... haha... but i realised my ji ben gong sucks like hell...

folding cloth and cloth during packing up... after that went t dozen of placs trying to find place to sit down and eat...

thank you people... in the end went to KFC... i had 2 KFC that day la... go home my mama had some chicken wings... practically had chicken and chicken and more chicken that day...

anyway... i shall stop here and maybe go study... my sis going use com...

haha

~*what is so funny?*~
~*i know!!!*~
~*JIE YIM ROCKS!!!*~
~* C= *~

.::hmm...what is life?::.

~*what is life?*~

hmm...haha.. life just seems better recently... i dont know why lah... mood swing.. but this time it swung me to a greater mood... i am feeling better... haha...

why like that huh? i dont know leh... the only thing i know is... things are just piling up!!!! promos coming!!!

continue jia you people!!!

~*JIE YIM YOU ROCK YOUR OWN WORLD!*~

haha... thick skin... haha... whatever la... i am like that... haha...

~*I ROCK!*~

.::mood swing::.

~*i promised i wouldnt be sad because of you*~
~*but i realised i cant*~
~*i know you wouldnt be reading this*~

maybe just like what someone said... why is it you? i dont know... i feel like an idiot when you started talking to me again... because you make me feel like one... i cant control my emotion...

then i did promised i wouldnt be sad but then i realise sometimes i just fail to do that when i know what is really in your heart...

i think it is impossible but i dont know how to tell you... you are just so keen on getting things back to the way they used to be... but the other party somehow just give me the idea that it is impossible... so i can only see you continue doing things to try to get things back...

will you be hurt again... i dont know... but what can i do? i can only help...

why things are not going my way... why i cant tell the people involved what exactly is going on...

how to tell her the truth? i have been hiding it for years... how will she feel? will she be sad? i dont want her to be sad... she cant be sad... she is the best... why even let me have a chance to know these kind of things? i dont even want to know at all... i dont know how to handle...

mood swing... someone please teach me how to curb... simply smiling would not help... no... it wouldnt help at all... cause i find no reason to smile... i only know how to cry... and even when i cry... i dont even know why...

sometimes it is good to avoid touching on sensitive topic that may make me sad but it would not help much because i will still think of them when i am alone...

school time... who know what i am actually doing or thinking? seems like i am only trying to be happy... acting to be happy...

i dont feel like contacting you... i dont know why... maybe you dont even care... maybe i just dont want to be sad... but i seriously find no link... but yet i still dont know why... i know i always left you not knowing how to answer me... sorry...

i want a happy family... i want a happy blog... but that will never seem to happen... i never blog when i am happy... all my entries are just so darn depressing... i dont know why...

i know people outthere are already tired of telling me to cheer up and trying to find out why... to them i am just a kid throwing some tantrum... i know all that... sorry people... but dont care so much ah... because it is pointless to care so much... care so much for what?

~*cant he be someone who is better?*~
~*i know he is better than some other cases that i have come across*~
~*but cant he just be sensible?*~
~*sensible and not make her suffer?*~
~*i know she is great but i am not doing things the right way to repay her*~
~*who is indebt to who?*~
~*i dont know...*~
~*maybe he should just leave our lives*~

.::changed me::.

~*what is going on?*~

nothing seems right... again... why cant i just control my mood?

mood swing... why? i dont know... is it because that exams are coming and i am getting more and more busy? is it because i am stuck in trying to end dance? is it because i am having the same problem again? wishing that i never know them...

them... whoever your think they are... cause there are just too many 'them's in my life...coming into my life and leaving as and when they like...just like no one's business... i dont like that feeling...ya... i overlooked those who are always with me... ya... i just dont know how to treasure them...

ever since after holidays... i am super slack... i am not doing anything right... everyone knows that... i am not doing my work like the way i did before the holiday... i am just having those stupid mood swing that i just cant control....

my brain is doing what my heart want...but what can i do?

i am not eating the proper meals... that is bad... i know that... like dozens of people telling me that... but... i just find no appetite how? i dont even know why... life is like super complicated at this moment...

when am i always hit with such a time? such a time at this crucial period?

PW... promos... and every other things pressing down... i am starting to not know which to handle first... i want the lecturers to stop teaching... stop throwing new things at me... i can no longer juggle well...

i just hope to stop school and start revision...i swear i will but do i have a choice?

although i act as though i dont care but deep down i do... why are things already like that when they are being thrown to me? should i be happy? at least thingsare somehow going my way? but then i come to realise that that day will never come...

i start to hate them... hate them for giving me hope and then crashing evrythin down on me... i am not someone who is not sensitive...i am super sensitive...

i hate night time...i hate having to spend tim alone and decide what to do... i hate making decision... can someone out there change me back to what i used to be? someone with lesser masks and someone with a more cheerful character... this is just so wrong... i am starting to doubt whether this is what i want of myself...i am starting to boubt whether i will be happier which way...

i have a whole lot of things to write... to say... but i have no where to do it... no one appropriate to talk to...i am used to bing the listener... you talk i listen...

people called and talk to me... i have no idea how to handle... i feel like a failure...a goner...
i tried to pull them out of their slumps... in the end i got myself in... not knowing how to pull myself out... i think the way to get out is just like what i told them... wait and let time tell the answer...

i trust my tarots, my palm, my eyelids, my horoscope too much... i trust them to tell me what i will expect next...whether it is good or bad... although things are not always accurate... but most of the time they are... and now should i continue to trust them?

~*someone out there please change me*~
~*change me back to the one whom i use to know*~
~*the one typing things here is no longer jieyim*~
~*should i cry?*~

.::to someone::.

~*to a friend*~
~*something i realised and learnt*~

i never believe in friends forever... people around me... especially people from my current class were so shocked when they heard that because i think i am the first among their friends who dare to say that...

i didnt really know the consequences... but i know people may start doubting whether i am true to them...

at times i thought... maybe time will change my thinking because it may be possible for you to keep contact with a friend until you die... but as i was waiting for that day to come to prove my belief wrong, i realised something... the weak bond between people...

i ended alot of friendships ever since the day i know what is going on around me... people come into my life and leave me... i dont know whether i should be sad that they leave or should i be happy that they taught me something...

i saw many couples ending their relationship... even the love between them is that weak to keep things going on forever... yes... that may not be the case for all couple... but how many percentage of married couples had only one love in their entire life?

there is nothing that bond people together except that urge to find companion and the need for interactions to add colour to our life... the possible bond could be family ties, friendship, love, brotherhood, etc.

but how many of the above last except family ties? even family ties can come to an end sometimes...

people, usually friends, are suppose to enter and exit your life... that is what friends are meant to be... if you have the same one old friend for your entire life, wouldnt it be the same as you living your life alone? because there is no changes at all when you faced that only friend of yours... you know what the other party is thinking after being together for long...

it is normal to have friends leaving you... they wouldnt stay forever... but that doesnt mean you should lock yourself up and protect yourself from all the possible heartache when a friend leave you...

running away is not the best way to know how to face it... only when you faced it, you will know how to handle it...

as i am typing all these, i dont even know whether i will still be alive tomorrow... life it like that... why fear about the future when you know noting about it? why dont you just accept the present and stay happy... even if your friends were to leave you one day you have no regret... at least your were happy once... at least your played a part in each others life...

who should we blame for the weak bond between people? how long is long enough to stabilise a friendship? who can set a regulation to that? who can tell you that 1 year is too short a time to have a stable friendship? even if we were only friends for just 3 days, what matters most is still what we went through together... so that apply to 1 year... (not to say we went through much to gether... not so much but enough for be to not bear to let go)

maybe you are just thinking that now is a better time to let go than the future because you are not that sad now... you can still control... how are you suppose to handle when you end your friendship like 1 year down the road? but this friendship started because of wo people... why are you deciding for your friend to put an end to things? why in the end you are the one deciding the fate of the friendship?

i dont know who to blame for the weak bond betwen people... but for all i know... i treasure what i have now... because i know there are no friends forever... because i know that someday somehow your will leave me... so why bother about the future when i know nothing about the future? and why trouble myself with things in the future when i have no say over the future?

will you give me and us the chance to treasure our friendship? i dont know what i can do but i want the usual us back... knowing that at least i tried to keep my friends with me will let me know that at least i am not bond to my belief... at least i tried... we all may not have the time... but before we have the time, please dont put an end to things so fast on your side...

please think things through because i treasure the friendship... i hope the few of your can accompany me down the jorney of my life for a longer time instead of just 1 year...
somethings cannot be forgotten just like that...

.::hello... i m ALIVE::.

~*why do things come at the same time?*~

not alot... but enough to make me feel lost... i want back the other three... can i not make a choice between the three?

i want to help but all the things just make me feel lost... i dont know how to help... how to help others when u cant even help yourself?

i dun undstd why things are liddat... how to help when i dun undstd?

ytd i thought i can blog happily again.. but i m crying here again...

i feel stupid... can i choose to be selfish again to not care about anything?

can someone replace me with somemachines that can produce excellent academic result? a machine whose job is to produce result... caus i think that is what she want...

cry myself to death... one thing and everything just fill me in... like everything is just linked up but part of me know that it is not...

~*change me...*~

.::no choice::.

~*sorry i brought your together*~

~*but i didnt utter a single thing*~

~*i just want back the usual us*~

i so long never blog le...but i still dont know what to blog... sorry... i know my blog is getting quieter and quieter...

went out today... sorry liying... sorry to everyone who are there... i got your together but in the end i didnt say anything...

i really thought i can change everything but i realised i cant until everyone was there... i just want everyone of us to be back to normal...i know that day will never come again...

i am just so wrong about what is going on...mood swing and depression and everything... different time of time, i got different feeling and different mood... sorry to people around me...i am making life difficult for your...

i realise it is at time good to go back and have some fun... some how i feel that things are better now that election and everything is back to normal...

i am working hard at work so sorry to those whom i didnt check your blog... guilty...

thank you to those who brought me laughter... your were great... especially juniors ah... thanks fo those small little things that make me feel wanted and important =p ... and thanks to those little actions or little things that make me laugh... haha...

life is dull without NHDS...

erm... saw the sec1 batch... erm... what should i say? your all those seniors know lah... know what to do... haha... ifeel evil... but it is for thier own good...

mugging... i m turning into a mug!!! bei zi...haha... common joke of my class.. but i am not the bei zi of my class...

anyway...met up with the supposingly TERROR 4...and realise that TERROR 4 will never be the same again...

it can only be the 3 of us... be it on either side...

just hope everyone stay happy...

will try to update frequently...

~*i know things can never be the same again*~

~*i have no choice*~

.::NDP end::dont talk to me about my blog face-to-face::.

~*things are over*~
~*when will we meet again?*~

suffering from post ndp saddness... everything end le...

i was alright that night... i was still consoling a girl from guides cause she was so sad that things had ended...she miss the food the rehearsals the place the people the marshals the other guides and the wonderful experience...

i think i don not feel that sad because i know i will have a chance to see those dancers again... as long as i go back to pa i will get to see them...

but i have to admit... i do feel abit sad... those few people who helped us and let our things run smoothly, they are the ones who 'feed' us...oop... the ones who brought us food and guide us around... thanks to (especially)CK and ZhiXiang... i think i didnt remember wrongly... that should be their name... we were kind of crapping away when art 1 started... didnt really do that a few practice ago... thanks

they are really the ones whom we dont know when will meet again...and even if meet... will we still rememeber each other... they really helped us alot...

i am feeling worse day by day... things end le... should i go for practice this sunday? i still thinking... haix... cut cut cut...everything have to end...

i want to take part in ndp again next year!!! i dont care!!! haha...

thanks to all the people who have helped us in one way or another... without anyone...things would not be that good... and lucks to all of them... that zhixiang going japan to study lor... attachment... glad to have know these people... wonderful people they are...

come the serious part...

please dont come and talk to me about my blog and what i had blogged... cause i seriously dont think talking to me about what i had blog is necessary...

at the point of time when i am blogging, i am feeling sad and down... i woke up early morning feeling happy and was hypering feeling super happy all the way... until... dont come and remind me what i have blogged... dont blame me for being hostile cause when your tried to talk about what had happened on my blog... it may not make me feel sad but it will definitely make me feel bad... bad as in bad mood...

get the facts right... why bother to come and talk to me when what is written on my blog is what i am thinking? this is MY blog.. i have the rights to type anything... sad or pessimistic or fake... why bother to come and tell me those things? you have the choice to not read MY blog right? click on the cross up there and everything will settle and i will feel happier...

but i dont mind people commenting on my blog on my tag... i just down want to let my blog have the chance to spoil my day... whenever i read my blog... i am preparing to feel bad...cause usually would not be too happy after blogging...

whatever it is...whether or not you are feelingafter reading this entry, i dont really care...i dont want to be hostle face to face thats why i didnt really say anything even though i was not very happy then...i dont really know why...but i know you kind of spoil my day...and i believe that will never again... am i right?

sorry for being quite straight...

and to all...any comments,besides regarding blogskin or layout,others please keep it to tag or email me...

~*things seems straight*~
~*but i can say*~
~*it is not the straightest way*~
~*EVERYTHING had ended*~
~*temporary...i know*~

.::selfish me huh?::.

~*why?*~

i am having a hard time to concentrate on my studies now...i am tempted to go back... i really am...but i know i cant... i told myself i cant...

i want to know what is going on in NHDS... i want to know how everyone is doing there... i want to know all the latest things... i want to know that everyone is ok...

i want to know all those...but just somehow recently i got selfish...

i want to have better grades for MYSELF so i choose to cut off ties with NHDS... temporary...
i have this another selfish thought... ever since i stop going back for ALL the practice during the june holidays... or even sometime before that... i sensed drifting... i kind of feel like someone extra trying to dig out some info that people actually dont realli wish to tell me...

things like who and who stead... things like what is actually really going on underneathe... what they are thinking and stuff... i am never updated... i am updated but not by them personally sometimes... i just have this feeling... dont know why... i hate that feeling...

i know i am selfish to have that thought...

how to just get in touch with them when i dont even go back? i just skip a few lesson during the june holidays and i feel lost when i am with them... cause i dont know what is really going on... no one seems willing to tell me until i really begged... selfish i am

another selfish thought... why must it always be me helping them... when will they turn around and help me? how many people out there that i am trying to help actually come and read my blog? if they really treasure me... they will try ways and means to know what is going on to me... they approached daryl... if daryl cant answer them, they should have come to my blog... and they will know everything... dont tell me they dont know my blog... even someone from cresent know my blog... if they dont, then i really dont know how to react

i am selfish now... i have a dozen of reasons to keep me from going back...

i want to spend more time on my studies... i dont want to be retained...

i dont want to go back and face all those politics... i am tired

i dont want to face the risk of being stabbed... i m scare

i dont want to hear anymore accusation from other batches... i am sick of that... although i appear like i dont care at all

i dont want to go back and hear all those things that other seniors are talking about... what they are saying just make me feel that dance is getting more and more complicated...

i dont want to go back and see people changing from who they are now to someone whom i dont even know... someone had changed... i sensed that change... i no longer respect that person like before le...

i dont want to go back and help the kids... how to help them when they are not helping themselves... i dont have time for that

i dont want to help them cause it is always one-way... i am tired and being selfish here...

i dont want to go back and be used by them again... tell my name to a teacher without letting me know before hand... what is this? come to me only when you need me... it is darn obvious what those few are really thinking... i just dont want to spell everything out...

but now i really dont care consequences le... let me be selfish cause i am really tired...

i feel like an idiot... i hate that feeling of going after people for updates when they dont seem willing to tell me... so am i suppose to do that? how to continue when everything is just one-way

it has being so long... they have grow... is it my fault that i choose not to go back during the june holidays... the drift is caused by me... but is it really just my fault? there are just things that they choose to keep to themselves... they choose to not tell me... not i choose not to listen in the first place...

how many people out there really know what i am thinking? so few... i want to be happy... but i cant...

maybe it should just be a senior-junior relationship between me and everyone since the start...

there will be someone out there cursing this stupid girl again and someone out there telling me that what i feel is not the truth... but that is just what i sensed and what i feel... i choose to believe my heart...

kill me... i am so so so tired of everything...

maybe these 2 months i will get use to life without NHDS and never go back after that... who knows what will happen after these 2 months right? everything in life is unexpected... just like i didnt expect this bond to make me cry so many times in these few years...

i am numbed by everything...should i be even more selfish and not even care about them at all?
i feel guilty... sorry koonhui... i didnt mean to flare up today... i didnt mean to cut the line... i am just so not in the good mood today...

i feel guilty that i have such a good friend like koonhui but i am not always there for him... the old me even sort of quarrelled with him because of them... i am such a GREAT friend too...

maybe everything should just end that day when i graduated...

please dont expect me to be always be there for your when your are not there for me most of the time... or should i say NEVER?got some exception... i dont really remember... there is about 20 of you there and just one me here... how to be there for most of you all the time?

we are in different phrase of life... different commitment...your are not the only ones in MY LIFE...

i dont want to be the mother again... i hate being one... i am so tired and scare... cause i dont know what may happen in the future... and i hate putting on a mask when i am facing some of them...i am tired!!!

i dont want anymore responsibilities... i am stressed

i haVE dozens of reasons to stop me from going back... so i would not go back...

my dog is cuter than them... at least things are simpler and much more beautiful...

~*maybe it is all crap to some of you*~
~*maybe your dont even care*~
~*maybe i am just a passer by*~
~*maybe your are just passer by*~

~*What did i lose?*~
~*what did i gain?*~

i don't know... things were ok when i made the decision... i decide to stop dancing for the time being until after my promos... i was ok then... but as the time draws near for my decision to be in place, i feel lost... sad and uncertain...

mabe someone out there is thinking that...: jieyim, this girl here is just like some other people who used to be from NHDS... come back and help... simply for the sake of POWER... now she is getting tired of the POWER, she is moving on and never coming back to NHDS anymore...

who understands? i am feeling lost now... maybe you think it is only for show... lost because of the uncertainty... cause i know drifting will occur if i choose to let go temporary... god knows what will happen after this period of time? will things still be the same? will friendship still be the same? i don't think so... i don't have faith in myself... not the people out there...

i want to be there for them now that new things are in place... i am worried... but sometimes i just think that they have to learn... so i should not go back... that is one of the reason bah...

i know it is my choice to stop temporary... people telling me that it is ok one lah... sometimes you juat have to let go for a while... i know that... i know that all along... my brain accepted that but my heart dont... so what can i do? what people are telling me now are things that i expected from them...

maybe i should just be like jeremy... stupid a little bit... dun think so much, dont play mind games and when people console you, you will feel happy... cause they are telling you happier things that you never hear or thought of before... but that is not what i am going through now... i gave things thoughts and i expected what people around me might tel me... so everyhing is just pointless when it comes out from their mouth...

please dont come and ask me to go back to NHDS... i am tired of telling people that i wouldnt go back until after my promos with those kind of serious attitude... cause i know in my heart... it hurts to say those words... it hurts to say NO... i want to go back... i can find reasons to NOT go back but i cant find reasons to go back ...

you dont need a reason to go back... but you need a dozen of reasons to keep you from going back...

dont try to make me cry...

you will never know that feeling until you went through so much with people there... not people from your batch... not just 4 years there but alot more... a few months more is more than enough to let you feel sad...

ok...someone out there may think i am saying all these for show again... think whatever your want... i dont care cause i know this is my blog and i say what i want and what i feel... this is realli how i am feeling now...i juts hope for understanding from people around me who knows me well...

~*there is always somethings you had to let go*~
~*let go for something else*~~*now it is STUDIES over DANCE*~
~*accept it silly HEART*~

++telling myself things will be same after everything...
++telling myself to not go back
++telling myself i am not doing everything for myself only++telling myself to be happy
++telling myself you are doing the right thing
++telling myself to be happy
++my brain says i am doing the right thing but myheart says iam not
++what is this?


NDP rocks... i will miss it... cause i got alot new friends... hor? octopus? haha...
when i visited octopus blog... kind of shocked to see the blog title as octopus... never expect that... cause it was for fun when we started mentioning octopus... maybe she is not refering to me... but i am still glad that we had fun!!!

and to chuyun huh... haha... i will always remember what you say one... eekie words... nope... it is eekie way of saying... haha... memories... i call them memories...

~*thanks for all the laughter*~
~*thanks for cheering me up when i was down*~
~*thanks for the birthday wishes*~
~*thanks for eating the pratas...*~
~*thanks for eating the KFC...*~
~*thanks for eating the ice cream...*~
~*thanks for eating the nasi lemak...*~
~*thanks for eating the dry burgers...*~
~*thanks for eating the CHICKEN PIE...*~
~*thanks for eating the curry puffs...*~
~*thanks for eating the chicken rice...*~
~*thanks for drinking the NEWater...*~
~*thanks for drinking the H2O...*~
~*thanks for drinking the paopao guo dong...*~
~*TOGETHER*~
~*thanks for being there...*~
~*your were there when i was down*~

c=

i will be ok!!!

.::an end for now::.

~*as the day draw near*~
~*i start to feel the pain*~
NDP is coming to an end soon... that means my decision must set in place soon... as in... i have to stop dancing... till after promos in october... ok...saddening

so be it bah... going to study outside...hehe...and now have to try and wake her up... study time!!!
~*why things have to come to and end?*~
~*i knowis not forever*~
~*but i am sad and scare*~

.::what can i do?i am always left without a choice::.

~*there is just nothing for me to type*~

i think i am getting too sensitive sometimes...or should i say over sensitive... thinking too much into things making me feel bad... not really bad...just keep thinking about it... and stoning away

darn cold today... and the whole class is just so dead la...

i hardly sleep during tutorial... but the room was so cold that i cant bring myself to do anyting...so i just doze of...=p

anyway... sometimes i just think that my sister is just not senstive enough... but what can i say?

i stayed up late to accompany her...just now she asked mi help her iron her uniform... easy job... so i said ok... then veri late le... i scare my mother come out scold cause i haven switch off the tv... so i asked sis whether can help mi switch off the tv cause to me she seems to be on her way out...

she just said no... and i started thinking why... i asked her why she dont want to help me... her reply was... 'i helped you last night le'... abit shocked...

i waited for her for countless nights... i help her iron her uniform... ok... i may not be there for her to ask question all the time... but i will do things for her if i can...

so...am i suppose to blame myself for not holding myself properly as a elder sis or should i blame her bad temper...

this was not the first time... our relationship just revolve around her mood... she happy... everything ok... if not then very hard to say..

i know she changed for the better alot le... but cant she see that i changed too? no more f words directed to her or said at home...

i say she selfish... then she started saying i bimbo... ok... your sis here is bimbo...

i go out in SUPER MINI SKIRTS ALL THE TIME...
i go out in SUPER BIMBOIC CLOTHES ALL THE TIME...
i walk AND LET MY BUTT GUIDES THE WAY ALL THE TIME...
i speak in those SUPER ACT CUTE VOICE ALL THE TIME...
i put SUPER MANY COLOURFUL HAIR CLIPS ALL THE TIME...
i tie my hair in SUPER BIMBOIC STYLE ALL THE TIME...

can she like just go and find out what a bimbo really is?...before she start insulting me and disgracing herself?

maybe sometimes i am when i say words like 'WHATEVER' but that was solely for fun... 'WHATEVER' with the 'WHATEVER'action is darn bimbo... i know that... so i never do that again ever since jeff said it was bimboic...

what is this... what kind of sister she want... if she really want to comment me... then i rather she say i LIAN... cause i admit i like to ACT LIAN... happy???

~*i am not the guai little girl all the time*~ ~*step on my tails and you die... *~

my patience is limited... so far she is the only one whom i am treating nicely even when i am maligned by her for so many things for so many times...

~*she stepped on my tail le*~

but i cant bring myself to treat her badly... but does anyone knows how bad it feels when she malign you...you treat her nicely... and the next moment she is shouting at you again...

what is this?

~*my keyboard is wet again*~
~*because of her again*~

.::bored::.

~*bored me*~
~*don't know what to blog*~

haha... life is like that... how you wish you can do something... but you realised that you don't know how to do it...

no link... i dont know how to continue wit this topic... so i shall go on to another...

aniway...

i realised i was kind of too dependent on my horoscope le... izzit good orbad? i dont know... hehe...

no link again... and i dont know how to continue le... haix... so be it again

jiayou nanhua people... sec4... jiayou for prelims... others... next week ct le ah... choing ah...

haha... mi aft ndp stop bahs... test coming after ndp... die...

~*jia you*~
~*jia you*~
~*jia you*~

.::maybe it is crap, but it matters::.

~*why are things changing again?*~
~*what am i thinking?*~
~*should it be the last?*~

life is fun... real fun during NDp...but come to think of it, there is no more practice until the actual day le... i will miss it...

didnt know why i joined ndp in the first place... i think i joined for fun... but all i can say i totally enjoy the experience... and the company... maybe not the food... but definitely all those nice friends not just people around me now but also those from other dance groups... haha... we actually stood there and comment on a lady with extremely short skirt... so short the we can see what is under those skirt... mind you ... that lady is FAT... haha...

nice to know new friends... ahaha... they are cool people...

anyway... thanks to that army guy, CK... haha... i think without him we will die... haha... he is the one in charge of centre stage dancers... he brought us food and stuff lah... haha...

that guy acting as stamford raffles stood next to me on preview that day lah... lol.. darn funny... changed so many partner since the first day... keep changing position somemore...

haha...

haix... should i get involved? i know it is time to stop... but it is just so tempting... to work with professionals, in a total new place... that is damn cool... but i know i would not be able to cope... cause the trainings just let me reach home very late... the next day i will die...

haix... see how things goes...


]]hope

]]is something that someone gives you

]]the greater the hope

]]the greater the disappointment

]]so you tell yourself

]]dont accept the hope given to you

]]you appeared like you didnt accept

]]but deep down

]]you know you did

]]how bad does that feels?

]]you never know

]]until one day you felt the disappointment

]]then you realise that...

]]ever since the day he talk to you

]]ever since the day he is good to you

]]ever since the day he is nice to you

]]ever since the day he gives you hope

]]you have accepted everything

]]everything that comes along with him

]]his entry into your life

]]you know everything makes a difference

]]you know he make a difference

]]you thought everythings will be different

]]you choose to hold on

]]he continues

]]giving hope without realising that he is

]]you continue

]]accepting without appearing that you are

]]maybe without realising you are

]]you are disappointed again

]]disappointed not just due to lost of hope

]]but also disappointed with your failure

]]failure to control yourself

]]your mind

]]your thinking

]]your actions

]]your words

]]your heart

]]but even when that day comes

]]you continue

]]until one day

]]when he realise he is giving hope

]]and he stop

]]then you will stop

]]the hope that he gave me

]]now or future

]]i dont know how long

]]one thing for sure

]]i will only keep accepting and hoping

]]until one day he stop

]]i yearn for that day to come

]]not because i yearn for disappointment

]]but because i yearn for what comes after that

]]a better life

]]a new life


#what is this?

#just some thoughts

#thoughts that played around with hope

#resulting in disappointment

#those 2 words are part of life

#just like how important water is

#cause it is just part of life

#just like waiting

#everyone is born to wait

#whole life

#for the ultimate thing

#death

#departure to eternity

.::the leaving is only temporary::.

~*what should i type?*~
~*i don't know*~

okies... it has been quite sometime since i last blog... so here i shall blog before people start spamming and asking me to update...

anyway... recent life was cool with my clas... i finally feel some bond with them and school is doing fine... going to study well... al atleast above D... can promote i happy le...

anyway... not that i totally give up on NHDS or something... just that there are always different piorities in different phase of life for different people... and for me, currently, studies is much much mre important...

and no offence to all... i am also sick of hearing what is going on in NHDS... i miss the people there but... why make things so hard to all... to me, things there are no longer simply dance and making friends... somehow, i realise that you can't survive there if you are not sensitive to fakers... cause you never know whether that person smilling at you now may actually have a mask on his or her face...

anyway... it is really no offence... and i don't really care about the things...

for all i know... dance will move on... dance will continue to rock people's world... so be it... don't come and ask me whether something hit me or something that cause me to think this way or something... just enlightened... thats all

okies... so i should be mugging now... erm... but what am i doing here? oopx... =x... hahaha... anyway... i want HARRY POTTER... the Ebook can read le... but... greedy me don't feel right with the e book... guess i have to wait for my friends to lend me when they finish it...

i should get along with mugging... 2 months to promos!!! what am i doing here???

~*falling in and knowing i will get out soon*~
~*and hope it is real soon*~
~*it feels good to have an empty heart*~