.::Hows life?::.

~*oh...i feel like touching my tarots later*~
~*ok*~
~*thats what i shall do*~

life is not that good for me... i still dont know how to stay awake inclass... as in lecture... i keep falling asleep.... and now i have problem typing... i keep typing the wrong things...

ok... mondays and tuesdays are not that happy days for me... but they are the 2days of the week that i get lesser problems...

mondays and tuesday i got hardly anything to do with nhds so i am exposed to lesser problems... tomorrow having PE... 2.4km...omg...

oh ya... one of my knowledgeable friend today, said that all guys have to be able to run 2.4km in less than 10 minutes so that when we are attacked by Malaysia, they will be able to run across the causeway to capture Kuala Lumpur... the causeway is 2.4km long... amazed? i am...

ok... i am amazed by my friend...

anyway... something is terribly wrong with my darling... dont know what is wrong with her... keep skipping her meal... and she is no longer into fruits which she used to like the most... haix... she cant tell us anything... my poor darling...

ok... it is my darling dog, BABY... haha... she dont seem ok... although she still plays at times... maybe she is on a diet or something...

anyway... i am starting to think about the same stupid things... the same stupid things that will never make me sad anymore... it will only make me wonder...

when you cant find reason to why you fall for someone, it will be terrible if your love is not returned cause it is those love with no reason that will last... cause you cant find a reason to not let it last...

i am like that now... how long le? not a year yet... how long will it last? i dont know...

i only know i will no longer be sad about it... cause i am just so used to the way things are... just some little things can make me happy... happy as in be contented...

youu dont know how happy i was that day... haha...

anyway... i am just trying at times to get myself angry... hoping that something will just change... but so sad, nothing happened... haix... so let it be...

there is this poor guy in my class... i am in the same group as him during PW and same group during GP lessons...

it is the whole class against him... so sad... it is like he is such a big idiot in with the way he do things... and he always think he is right... the worse of all he is a MCP... male chauvanist pig... he never trust girls... so i shall never trust him... whatever he do, i will seek for reassurance from other people to make sure it is right...

to get this straight... i dont pity him at all... cause he dont deserve it... so many people had been telling him what is wrong with him but he just dont accept... so do you still think he deserve to be pity?

anyway... i am one of the worst girls in school... i think only 3 of us dares to shoot him directly...

i am evil... i commented him directly and straight in the face cause i know it is ok to destroy the relationship between me and him... he will never be of any use to me... so fan lian jiu fan lian la...

anyway... he is not being gentleman to not quarrel with me... the whole thing is he shut up whenever i say somehting about him cause he literally got nothing to say...

oh that is such a sad case...

did i say i was evil or rather i am evil...

haha... the evil plot is still on... thank you daryl, shibin and si aun... whatever that your have tried to do, it is more than enough... i am happy now... and i will keep myself happy...

anyway... i am evil and i kept doing evil things on him... but i doubt he realise it... i got the hint... i know one day he will not be happy about it and he will start to bu shuang me again... but what can i say? i dont know how to let him know that we are not happy with the way he is doing things...

anyway... i know he will bu shuang me soon... got the super great hint...

ok... i am having chemistry test tomorrow...but i am preparing to fail it... anyway... it is not in prelims... and i amgoing to buy a chem guide book tomorrow...haha...

~*tarots*~
~*youu*~

.::BACKSTAE CREW DAY::.

~*Backstage crew for a day!!!*~
~*things are still the same*~
~*i am sorry*~

first thing first... i was a backstage crew for a day with a group of korean dancers and drummers from a koreean dance company... i am now still too lazy to go and find out what is the name of their dance company... i only know i saw a lot of ministers today. not realli alot but there is justmore than one guest of honour...

ok...we learned how to set up the dance floor mat and we learn how to sweep the floor... haha... so many paper... but those koreans are bringing those paper back to korea... haha.. singaporean gift...hehe...

anyway... they are pro danceer and they got a pro stage coordinator... although their language is different from ours and they cant speak english, he still try his best-est to discript to the stage manager, who is our dearest Mr Tay Bao Shun, who is also one of the best few Stage Manager in singapore!!! haha... they are professional... just like what they claimed they are...

their smile is able to go into your heart and melt your heart...the drums are super heavy...there is one super big one...which i dont know how to describe but i know it nits more than 2 people to carry it...

ok...at the end of every rehearsal we have to sweep up all the papers that gaves the autuum effect... they brought their own drums, own cymbals, own ironing board, own iron, own lighting template, own foam making machine... haha... pro... own basket also!!!

anyway... thanks SHIBIN... thanks forbeing there... i think i am starting to make you feel irritated... anyway... i did evil things today... and days pass by... i am starting to feel sorry... sorry for what i had done... but i know i cant really stop cause i got no other means to let you know that i am not happy with the ways you are doing things and treating us... so i decide to guai lan and attitude... but seems like it only makes you start to not like me again... but whatever... doing those evil things will not make me sad... say i am sadist or whst...

but i can say i am feeling sorry for what i am doing... and i am scare of 'losing' you again but i got no choice but to do this to let you know that we are not happy...

but i know that is the only wayto protect myself... cause i dont want to go into depression...

anyway... to youu... do you have a single bit of idea that everything is still the same? what i am thinking and feeling but the problem is, the things that i fear are setting in... i hope that THAT time will come faster... maybe things will just be better those days...

but i do hope that i have not lose youu by then... anyway... i have to thank youu for the little hopes... although they are just nothing... but what else more can i ask for?

i will never be sad over youu... so i will be happy.... haha...

i cant find a reason why it is youu... but i know... it is normal to not be able to find a reason...

anyway... thats about it... i am hoping for a better tomorrow...!

~* C= *~
~*thankyou SHIBIN!!!*~
~*YOU ROCK*~
~*youu know*~
~*i know youu know*~

.::same old things::.

~*i was reading this person blog*~
~*when i realise that the same old things are just coming back*~
~*and i realise that it has been more than 2 weeks since i last cried*~
~*let this night be the last*~

i realise it has been 2weeks since i last cried... i swear tonight will be the last...i will be ok tomorrow... i will be... cause i know... no matter how sad i am, i still have to smile...

i have been thinking about all these things for alot of times... but things just come and go, any single one of you all can make me cry easily... it is always you all who cause me to suffer from depression cause problems always come from you all...

i decide to say everything out... since i tagged so long in his blog...

did you know that the day before cai qing i was discussing with daryl about it till about 1am?

did you know that i was the one who called daryl to wake up that morning?

do you know that i will be there to help if i have no school that day?

do you know that i was the one who brought down all the bags of oranges from the studio to the hall that afternoon?

do you even realise that you all forgot to throw?

do you know that the whole morning i was thinking about you all?

do you know how many calls i have made before daryl finally wake up?

do you know how much sms i have sent that morning just to confirm that he had wake up?

do you know that i didnt take train to clementi with you all?

do you know that i didnt realise that you are depressed cause from what i see you dont look sad.

do you know that i am always trying to be nice to you?

do you know how much i had been trying to be nice to you even when people no longer care or support you?

do you know that whenever i tried to ask someone for help regarding you, hardly anyone bother to tell me how to do?
cause they just dont care...

do you know how afraid i am? afriad that you will turn back to your old self? afraid that when that day come, more people will not like you?

do you know that i was never in the anti-you programme?

do you know that i never ever plan that before?

do you know how many time had you make me cry all these years?

do you know what happened during the dance camp caused me to get into depression?

do you know even know that i was in depression?

maybe you dont even remembered what happened during dance camp.
maybe you didnt realise
maybe you dont think much about it

do you know how many people out there do not agree to what i am doing for you all?

do you know i got hardly anyone to turn to when i faced problems regarding you all, except daryl?

do you even know that i am treating you nice?

do you all ever bother to tell me what really happens to you all?

do you all ever bother to find out what is going on with me?

do you all ever know that i was in depression a few weeks ago?

do you know that i am tired of treating you all nice even when i am sad?

do you know how afraid i am? afraid that one day everyone of you all will just dislike me and come against me.

do you all know how many things i have been shouldering for you all? all those things that you all should not have done.

do you know how many people dont like me because of what i am doing?
people out there say i am group hopping and they think i am doing things for a motive.

do you know what i can do with all these comments?

do you know that i swallow them and can only cry alone at night?

do you all know how many people think that you all cannot make it?

do you know how many people do not support you with what you are doing?

did you realise how much support i am giving you?

do you even realise the ratio is never right?
it is always me and daryl, 2 to almost 20 of you all.

do you know how much i am doing trying to ensure that i dont lose anyone of your anymore?

did you even realise that we lost 2? i dont want the 3rd or the 4th to happen.


do you know that i have been trying to be nice to you and just you only even when i am sad?

did you realise that i am always using nice tones to talk to you?

all these are just gone in 2 arguments.

you can have mood swing, can have depression, why cant i?

dont ask how much things that i have not done for you all

dont ask me how much bad things or wrong things that i had done to you all

why not ask yourself how much i have done for you all

why not ask yourself how much you all have done for me

ok... i dont have a choice tonight.i can choose to be angry or sad for other things but for this,i can only choose to be sad or disappointed...

maybe i should have long got used to it...it has always been like that, isn't it?

ok... i can only cry tonight... i have to smile again tomorrow.i have to continue what i have been doing for the past 3 years.

.::am i ok?::.

~*i start to think that i am selfish*~
~*more than selfish*~
~*evil*~

ok... whatever... if you ever had the taste of depression, will you ever choose to go into it after you had manage to get out of it?

although my depression case not to the extreme that i will kill myself... but i think one day, if i get into depression again, i may just move closer to that... cause i can sense myself closer le...

anyway... if you ever taste depression, you will never choose to get into it again... so when i am about to be sad, i chose to be angry instead... i did alot of things on purpose just to vent my anger... not on those whom i think are innocent... only at those targetted ones...

i will feel better when i see them being pissed off by me... how great can that be...you never know unless you try it again...

and there are just some people that i am tired of treating them good... so beware.. dont step on my tail again... i will make sure i show no mercy... just those 2...

if any of your ever sense that i am going against you delibrately, then most likely you are right... cause i think i trust my skills in 'shooting' people down...

anyway... there are people with me... so if you think a big group is against you, then all the more you are right...

anyway... tomorrow is chingay... good nite...

all the best for rehearsal tml...

~*to NHDS*~
~*to myself*~
~*to everyone*~
~* C= *~

.::FURIOUS::.

~*F*CK OFF*~

ok...i am not that pissed le... after having wonderful talk with wonderful people... i think we can just hang out one night and talk all we want... that will be heavenly... haha

anyway... clever people make me wasted one night waiting...but anyway, i was doing other things also...

ok... i am back to the same stupid topic... i can understand everything that you used to say... maybe you meant what you said or maybe you manage to make me feel how you want me to feel... i am feeling guilty that time... but i just cant deny the fact that you are somehow guiding him... guiding him too much, as though you are just plotting somethings... and so sad... i am not the only one thinking that way...

yup, life is just like that, when you thought that you are ok, something come along again... i thought i was alright until i start to sense things again...

everything is just so obvious... or maybe you are making it obvious to him, or making obvious to them, we caught the hint, thank you... but the feeling is not good... i understand what you used to say... i accept them... but the things now are just making me not able to tolerate... so bad that i will just choose to walk off...

i hope in the end i would not be alone in this so called war...

anyway, i dont mind you deciding not to tell us anything, but please stop whispering to each other... no one in this bloody world likes the feeling of not knowing something... cause that just makes one fall into the catergory of 'un-trusted' friends... that will be like so omg... one will feel so outcasted...

i think i did alot of stupi things on purpose... to say the truth, i am still scare... cause things are just better nowadays... i dont really wish to spoil things, but i do not want to be a loner... so... it is my choice to be with them...

yea... i did alot of evil things on purpose cause i wanted myself to be angry rather than sad... i just got out of depression for less than a month...i dont want to fall back in again... and seriously i felt as though i am going to fall back in again when i was walking from nh to clementi... that feeling was so intensed... the feeling ofbeing lost... not knowing what to do...

but i just learned to do things on purpose... so that i will get this sense of achievemen when my evil plot is successful... and i am much happy this way cause i got people to plot with me...

there are just so many things that i see, that we see that we just dont want to voice out... cause we dont see the point to and still hoping that one day things will be better and those stupid things will just stop... but seems like we are the stupid people... maybe you are just another asshole like those whoever people that i know... what you are doing are just things that even a not a so good thinker will know and observe... plus i dont think i am a good thinker but i am still a thinker...

please let me be selfish this time round... let me tell myself that it is a goodreason to buai song you because of whatever that you did to us without knowing... but i can just say... that you are still important to me... what i used to say is true... always... you matters... but i guess you just would not remember a single damn about it... cause i am just no one... the one who can help you and give you advice is the one that you really needs... the rest around you are just no one... no one that you can turn to when you need help cause they just failed terribly as a friend in your eyes... and that includes me...

you never know how much that makes me feel sad when i heard that... i never remember turning you away when you need help... maybe i am not a good thinker and i cant help much, but that just doesnt mean that i am someone who will do what the others will... so fine, whatever... i shall just be selfish again... let me do what i want.. let me plot... against you and let you have a taste of what we are feeling...

ok... haha... what a random entry... haha... by the way... i speak to that someone again today about the same thing... he is just someone who no one seems to give him a damn besides those who stand by him and accompanying them through the journey...

how to just convince him to stay on through everything is over... i lost 2... i dont feel like losing another one... i know it is my fault, or should i say it is our fault... i tried to stop but i was too late cause i woke up too late from that stupid dream of mine... and i tried to pass on my experience but no one seems to understand...

anyway... there will never be any chance of him reading my blog... but can someone teach me how to convince someone to stay on the journey... it is not nice to lose another one... everyone played a part in this joruney of four years... like it or not... you have to admit it.. he is part of your the very first day your were together... your are destinated to spend the four years together... he is a great friend... remember how much he changed ever since he is with your?

remember the first performance that your had? what was he doing during the free time? what about him now? if you have the time, please persuade him to stay... i am still trying my best...

ok... there are just so many different people in my entry this time round... the front part is a few individuals and me with another group of people... the second part is a few other different individuals and me with another entirely different group of people...

~*rocks on people*~
~*those people who conferenced with me on 01.02.2006 night, rocks my socks*~
~*do you know that there is a trend for long socks?*~
~*haha... thats what shibin said*~
~*jiayou!*~
~*chingay*~
~* C= *~

.::HAPPY NEW YEAR::.

~*one fine day i shall go change my settings*~
~*let your see the title of my entries*~

anyway... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

i had a great chinese new year, all thanks to Si Aun the great who planned so many activities... haha... but of all things, it is still the best to hang out with people whom you are closest to... the old usual mahjong group...haha... yups, and that PHAY girls, who simply rocks my life too...

i used to thought that i will never be close to your...but whatever... haha... i just used to think that it is better to just be senior...haha... but guessed i was wrong that time... cause i just think that things are ok now...

ok... i got a dozen things to type just now...but after talking to daryl about the cai qing thing, i am now not that bubbly anymore... haha... i am quite so going to freak out... see my msn nickname and you know...

oh ya... had happy days... so sad tomorrow school starting and so worried that tomorrow got cai qing... i just dont remember any years in my nan hua with lao shi absent on cai qing that day... but suay suay someone just want it on that time and that day so have to la... just pray that things will go well... that shall be the most important thing for morning prayers tommorrow...

oh well... tomorrow got PE... i dont like it... but still have to do it... hope my teacher is kind tomorrow... well he is...

anyway... did i told your that alyssa and si aun parents rocks?both gave us super lots of food and housed all of us, the wild cave famil people in their house... i can say we caused chaos in their house...

oh ya... lao shi house also... super crowded... just so many people that you cant walk through with ease...

i am just glad that i didnt see any people that i dont like these few days... haha...

oh ya... i am being super bad these few days... i keep bad-mouthing people... we keep gossiping about others... although got someone tell me we are not bad-mouthing... just telling the truth...

ok...what a new year... suay...should not have gamble... i lose aabit...

anyway... so glad that i didnt see yyou... omg... heavenly... haha

i think i told the whole of EXCO boys and those who hang out with us about the stupid things that yyou and herr did... omg... ya there is a new person in my blog... herr... haha... i just dont like the way she is doing things...

haha... i hate people who only know how to talk but never ever bother to life a finger... and there is this person... dont sound as though you know them very well... they changed ok? they are better now... hello... who know them better? i am just trying to sia suay you and make you feel out casted or something... evil me right? i think you know that i am talking about you if you even bother to read my blog...

but i think this person is just too busy for this... anyway... she still thought everything is the old same thing... shut up and go away.. .things are different... haha... you no longer know them and i doubt you even know that people dont have a liking for you, as in dont really like you to make it sound crude...

anyway... chingay coming... omg... i should be studying... blogging now?

some thanksgiving here...

alyssa, thanks for being a good friend, treat us to so many things... thank your mama also... my black sister...haha...

claudine, thanks for going crazy with me... i will remember your panda EYES... haha... i think my great gossip partner is her... haha

Christine and cassandra, thanks for the lame jokes huh... haha... always someone who can cheer me up with lame jokes... hee... i never ever will bu shuang your so please relax... haha...happy to be hanging out with your!!! C=

connie, thanks for all the advice and thank you for explaining to me things and telling me how you think... it helps alot!!! C=

dallan, thanks for all the stupid jokes and stupid things... haha... sorry for whatever that is in the past...

daryl, thanks for tolerating huh...haha.. my good partner all these few years, always someone i can turn to when i need help... common goal!!! sorry for my mood swing and stupid shoutings anyway... C=

da sam, thanks for teachng me how to do certain things... you helped alot... C=

HannBin, thanks for listening and trying to give suggestions and solutions...

HannQian, thanks for always listening... although i think you hardly say anything, but you never know how much those listening ears helped...

Jan, thanks for being lame with me...

jeslyn, thanks for being willing to tell me things, though i feel that i cant help much... jiayou!!! cheer!!! C=

jeremy, thanks for listening and teaching me how to think!!! C=

Keelui, thanks for listening to my kao pei and stupid things, hah... sorry for all the unreasonable stuff... C=

Koonhui, thanks for listening and thanks for trying to help!!!C= thanks for tolerating me too!!!

keongkiat, thanks for trying to put an effort into continuing the friendship... C=

PeiXuan, thanks for listening... you are a great listener and always there... thank you for the stays at your house... thank your mama too...

QiHui, thanks for always trying to ask and help and listen, not dont want to tell you, just no time...C=

Si Aun, thanks for the lame fats and lame jokes huh.. you are just another great listener and always trying o help... thanks!!!

ShiBin, my black son/bro... ai ya whatever la... my black fmily one...haha... thanks for the jokes and putting up with my unreasonable acts...! C=

WeiHong, thanks for listening... and thanks for all the advice... you helped alot... HONG YE YE... haha... jian fei!!!

Wahtuck, thanks for putting up to my stupid shoutings... the world is still turning... move on...! C=

YinCheong, thanks for all the jokes huh...haha... all the stupid rumours... funny... and sorry for all the stupid shoutings...haha...

Yueli, thanks for listening and thanks for being willing to tell me your troubles though i think that i didnt helped much... but at least we can cry together...! C= smilez

Yihang, thanks for listening and trying to help sometimes... haha...jia you!!! C=

Zhongyi, thanks for always trying to help!!! C=

Apologies to all those who i always shout at... hope you know i dont mean it... if you cant stand me or anything, please tell me directly...i am trying to control too... yea, and if you cant stand i bad-mouthing people, tell me too... haha... i mean it...

thank you to all the secondary 4 guys+hongyeye+baobaobao+octopus for telling me lame jokes and being lame with me to keep me happy... they are enough to keep me happy!!! C=

ok... i am tired... i think i missed people out... i will add agin... please give me ang pao by clicking on the ad at the top left hand corner... and i dont mind more HUGS... C=

.::HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!::.

~*what a new year it will be*~

haha...there will be so so many outing la... oh my god they rocks... all those super cold and super jokes... laughing at something that you dont know what it is about... the green key chain on my handphone, the yuzi eating... they rock... all the shouting of ji he... haha... what a big joke...

ok...today went chinatown instead of chingay pract... bad me huh... i was suppose to go get something for my mama... so whatever... i woke up darn early and i am now super tired...

do your know something? jieyim, the girl typing this paragrapgh here is super extreme... she bad mouthed someone today... i think she is doing that everyday... omg... but i still think she rock...

do you know that that sounded so Si Aun-ish? haha... whatever

anyway... i realised that me and si aun got some stupid things in common... tying our tie the CORRECT way, which is not the same side as those who tie the wrong way...

haha... back to topic...

i saw this nice and cute bag... at chinatown... it is a zinc bag.. shape of a person... but so sad the bag is carried on one side... it will be so xin cu...

haha...we seat infront of a shop and start to eat pomelo... i think they rocks and i think i spelt wrongly...

oh ya... i was bad mouthing YYOU at someone's house today... although i was warned or hinted to stop today, i still did it... haha... not just me alone... someone else too... blame it on yyourself for having so many enermy...

oh ya... heard some shocking things today... i thought they never thought that way... but apparently they did... they are just thinking what i am thinking... how shocked i can be...

ok... what should i wear on cu 1? what should i wear on cu 2? and what should i wear to mr low house? hmm...

jeans? skirt? halter? two-in-one? sleeveless?

aiyo... so mahfan...

oh ya... by the way... just as what i had expected... YOUU disappeared...

i am just so used to it... so be it...

haha... anything, although everthing is still the same big thing...

yyou suck... do yyou know that i managed to get that shocked expression from people? let them know what kind of person yyou actually is... omg... do yyou know how shocked they are?

sorry... i know i coward for not mentioning names... but i am just trying to protect some people here and also not fan lian... cause i never know when i will need his or her help...

and... i just think that yyou deserve these... so sad...

sadist jieyim... haha...

HAPPY NEW YEAR...!!!

good nite... i am super duper tired...

C=

.::haha::.

~*what a wrong title if your know*~
~*but anyway*~
~*HAPPY NEW YEAR*~

what a time... what a day... i just wonder sometimes...just how to tell someone that he is wrong somewhere when you know he would never listen?

i think i am starting to pity those around themm... i think i played a part to how things turn out now...

did i say that someone earned my respect, got a weird temper this person but definitely a good friend, a good listener and a good leader...

at least he tried to help... what about yyou? yyou never do anything except nag... haha... anyway... that person please be honoured that you know who yyou is...

i know i sounded bad, but when i told someone about the incident, she just tell me to tell the others... so i just did... and i think i sound as though i am doing the same old things again... trying to make people dont like someone... but anyway... who asked her to piss me off?

ok... i manage to get what that friend of mine predicted... dont get mixed up... this friend here is not the one that i said who earned my respect...

haha...in a mess...but i just made them realised that yyou are just not as good as they think yyou are... so sad... yyou will have to face it one day...

i am feeling guilty for what i did that day... i mean would you rather sit there and watch themm die? i know you will cause yyou only know how to nag... omg...

and please... i am not the only one doing what yyou dont like... why am i the one that got shooted? simply because i used to be not as good as yyou are? i dare say i am better now... what have yyou been dong these years? where were yyou? can yyou handle them? i dont think so... as if they give yyou a damn... so shut the f*ck up if yyou are hardly there to help...

ok... just because i am not himm, that does not mean that yyou have to bu shuang me or even bu shaung themm or bu shuang the way we are doing things... do yyou think himm is just that great? i am afraid yyou are wrong... who is the one who put yyou down? himm...

ok... fine... what is the point of stating everything and all the names out? like de... people... sorry, just read on as though you are reading a story...a story that has me, yyou, himm, youu, themm, the person i respect and my friends who told me about it and the one who told me to tell themm...

complicated? i shall come up with something nicer for my characters... and if i ever tell you that you are one of the few characters in my blog... you should be honored... maybe not yyou... continue bomb-ba-ing ba...

haha... caught the joke my friend?

haha... yea... i feel like a coward here... but i just dont want to spoil relationship... and no one will ever spoil it for me... for those who know... cause she is still useful to me... even the person that you hate the most will be of use to you one day. so dont fan lian with them...

rock on... yyou... just fuck off... C=

oh ya... yyou will sooner or later... power hungry yyou...

all yyou know is nag... did yyou ever try to help? yes yyou... did yyou?

.::i really am ok::.

~*i am ok le*~
~*and i am sure*~
~*cause i know what to do*~
~*and i know who to turn to*~
~*thank you*~

ok...now move on to this person who makes my blood boils... why? because she cant even think... because she dont even know... because she dont even bother to find out... because she didnt even bother to help... because she is power hungry... because she is accusing me... and because she sucks...

omg... are those enough to make me dont like her?

haha...the evil girl here no longer hate anyone...cause it is just so tiring to hate someone... i will only bu shuang people...provided that they bu shuang me first or they stepped on my tail when i think i did nothing wrong... C= and i have this evil theory that i would not turn things ugly between me and anyone cause you never know when your will need to work together, or in worse terms, you never know when you will need his or her help... it is survivor techniques...

anyway...back to that person... yyou think yyou so great ah? did yyou have any idea that what you think i am doing now are also things that yyou used to do? for only once, and yyou made that stupid conclusion... do yyou even know that i am changing? SHUT THE FUCK up if you dont know... dont assume...

bu shuang, tell me straight in the face... dont hint hint huh... although i managed to get the hint this time round... clever me...

yup...i am actually angry...angry that you make that stupid comment... dont think that i dont know what you are thinking... dont think that i dont know the reasons for every secret questions that yyou asked me... did i just said that i was clever? hmmm...it is my choice whether i want to broadcast it...and in this case, maybe i should consult some people... haha... people who wouldnt... cause i think telling more people also no use... wnat to make them bu shuang yyou is something easy...just whether i want to do it or not...

i just realise that we are always faking each others... haha...what a great big joke... but i like to fake...so what can you do?

oh...i did what i promised... i didnt mention names... haha...

i think if that person is reading my blog, she also dont know that i am talking about her... like...she is not that clever... she only know how to use her knowledge on guys... how to attract them...

did i ever tell your that she is just TWO different people in front and guys and girls? she is just so sweet and kind in front of guys but not when she is with girls... she is just one big evil bitch when she is with girls... she dont show it out but can tell that to her, guys are more important than girls... oh well what ever...

i decide to stop using my PCS to photocopy...i shall do it at lot one tomorrow... so waste paper la... i pity my paper...not my ink...haha... cheap ink...

anyway... back to topic... haha

she is the one doing all those stuff in the past... yups... i got all the idea that yyou tried to tell me... i know all that... i think the people that i hang out with are greater thinker and greater leader than yyou are... so dont act as though yyou are still the great thinker and great leader... cause yyou never was... and dont think that the JIEYIM here is still that quiet little girl who always listen to yyou... cause i am that no more... cause yyou no longer earn my respect...

we are just on TWO different sides... the person that yyou not like is the person that i respect and the person who i think is a much better leader and thinker than yyou are...

and did i say before that i never like people who do things for a purpose... it is ok to be back for a purpose... as in yyou are not the only one... but please dont give the lame reason that yyour mama dont allow...cause i know that that is never the case...it is always yyour choice... so stop giving me lame excuses...

haha... so sian... i shall go and talk about it to the person that i respect but she dont like... haha...

whatever... i very sian now... not going school tomorrow...bad me? haha... skipping cross country...hehe...

~*shut up if yyou never try to help*~
~*just fuck off*~
~*oops...maybe i should be less vulgar?*~
~*haha...nope...she deserve it!*~
~* C= *~

.::i thought i was out of it::.

~*i thought i was out of it*~
~*but apparently i am not*~

know what i feel like doing now? i feel like shouting at those people to ask them to fuck off... what they think they doing? where and when did i ever step on their tail...

on moment ask me to dont care what they think the next moment telling me otherwise...

i knew i was wrong... i knew people would not like it that way... but can your just look at the situation?

FUCK OFF... I am tired...

i thought i was out of it, but apparently i am not...

what a bad feeling that canbe... i think i will be ok tomorrow...

i hope i will be ok tomorrow...

did i ever tell you that i hated people who only know how to complain but dont know how to help?

yyou fuck off too... yyou are not fit to be here...

or maybe i should be the one? that is what i am planning...

sad case ah... jieyim

.::i am bored::.

~*i feel so bored now*~
~*that is one reason why i am blogging now*~
~*youu are the other one*~

but...haha...ironic... do youu even know? i keep having the urge to just write things down... but...haix... i am writing in my dairy...not here...so dont think of peeking or trying to find out who youu are... haha

ok...happy days... like i finally get to cut my hair!!! one great thing that happened to me today... alot of good things happened today anyway...

but i can say that i am broke...haha... whatever... a thousands apologies to those whom i owe money...

anyway... i think i am quite wrong at times... like i shout very loud...haha... i saw that expression but i thought that your should be used to it le?

anyway... i hope that youu are reading this entry...but i know youu are not... haha...

life is just like that... hardly anyone knows what one is thinking...and the rest who dont, just dont eem to give it a damn...

i am happy now... at least like NOW... i dont know how long that will last... i am being super positive... i have never been so positive... i am shocked that i am so positive... never ever so positive in life lor... but it do makes me happy...

but i understand that the higher you climb, the harder you fall... just like the more hope you have, the more the disappointment... i know that... i dont know whether i will be super negative in time to come not...

but from what i see now... i think it is still ok to be positive... so whatever... let it be...

come and go as and when youu like... hope youu realised the different in tone.. but i doubt youu did... so whatever... i dont care much... i am just used to it... duh... haha...oops... i should be angry... haha

i saw something on the tv today... will perserverence win the game? game as in any game... maybe anyone who watched the same show as me will have notice that sentence...

personally i dont know... like i said in the previous entry... though i think i believe in what is meant to be will be, i am still doing things in the other way... hard work will win anything...

see... here... i think that perserverence will win the game... but whatever...

i just realised something...

looking at it will never help... cause itjust wouldnt move... no reaction even if i pour hydrochloric acid on it... maybe there will be reaction if i heat it with fire... but... i am hoping for something... but i know there would not be anything for the time being... it will only move when the PGA requires the ATP and NADPH to turn it into PGAL, to prevent it being stuck at PGA...

anyway... those foreign words are not some initials of someone but just some biology terms that i learned today... pro me putting them into use... i am the combination of ATP and NADPH... what a good PGA youu are...

haha... are you lost? if you are... sorry... thanks for reading this stupid entry that is being put up for the sake of letting out what i am feeling... i am going to copy lyrics later... haha

but my eyes are closing... oh no...

haha

did i tell you to aun-joy your CNY? i got the idea of AUN-JOY from aun blog... clever me...

please praise me by clicking on that advertisement on the top left hand corner... haha

hugs also... the numbers looks nice...and did i mention that those hugs helped me out of depression? the number brought me on...

i am glad that i am out of depression state...

jyim rocks... haha...

~*when will youu realise?*~
~*thank you or sorry dont help*~
~*that is not what i want*~
~*youu know?*~
~*dont feel bad*~
~*cause it wouldn't help*~
~*hope youu are happy*~
~* C= *~

.::convinced::.

~*i am just convinced*~
~*one way or other*~

all the changes in lif e recently...i cant help but agreeing that alot of changes had happened to my thinking...though there are still somethings that i am still persistent about...

i realise that i am able to think more now... able to be more calm... and that i am just so used to things now that i dont really care whether they are going the way i want them to be... cause i know that i life still have to move on right?

ok...that sounded so cool and good and everything nice... but seriously i dont know when i will regret that i actually said these things in the first place...

one is i think i learned how to sit and watch...like no point trying to find out what will happen next... what meant to happen will just happen...

another one is... i am still learning... although i am used to it... but i still trying to learn something that my civics teacher said today...

'class... do your believe in [1]love will come and find you? as in what is meant to be will be, andwhat is not meant
to be, will never be...or do you believe in [2] love can be earned through hard work and determination?'

guessed what was my answer?

it is a shocking NUMBER ONE!!!

oh well although i dont seem to be doing what i believe in... as in i cant believe in second one...cause i never do that before or should i say i never see results before?

so what else? i can only believe in number one

and trust me and i swear... i am trying to change my doings to suit my believe... cause i think that i will only be happier if i believe and do things in the first way...

oh well... how does this got to link with getting used to losing youu? haha i dont know... maybe it is just that same thing...

things are just so... dont know how to say... i will never allow myself to lose a friendship without knowing why... so dont blame me if i am persistent in trying to find out what is wrong... cause i dont think it is worth it to lose a friend without knowing why...

have your ever tried a friend coming to you only when he need your help? i tried that alot of times...but i am still accepting it... cause i am just so used to it le... like what can i do? at least i will be happier this way...

anyway... did i ever tell your that GATTACA is a super duper nice movie? what a nice movie about what the society maybelike in the future... the valids and the invalids.. living life in different classes... having discrimination by the classifying of your genetic composition... like how long you will live and how much tendency you will have suffering from a certain disease...

nice show... go and get it...

GATTACA

and did i mention that i think i sounded like koonhui when i am typing that above paragraphs? like that is what koonhui usually does... haha... no offence...

anyway... thancks for waking up that asleep dragon that is always there... making me admit to that only question that youu asked... and thanks alot for making me start to think again... i am convinced that what i feared is true... i am just convinced... anyway... thanks alot for showing me that youu cared when i hope and thought that youu wouldn't... and thanks for not doing anything when i am hoping that youu will... what a great help that can be... but anyway... i am just convinced but yet there is no more unhappiness... cause i am just so used to it le...

~*cheerios*~
~*thanks for waking up that dragon*~
~*thanks for doing the wrong things at the wrong time*~

.::losing youu is nothing::.

~*i am just so used to it*~
~*that i dont even dare to dream of having youu*~
~*i am just so used to losing youu*~

youu came in and out of my life as and when you like... but i know that things are just different this time round... i am no longer that afraid... no longer that afraid of losing youu... cause like i said... i am just so used to it...

i never blame anyone for the way things are now... it is all fated to be the way it is now...

i know youu are different... there are just so many times that i tried to hide but still i know i failed... like before... cause youu showed me that youu cared whenever i thought youu would not...

for every changes that youu made, i know there must be a reason... though youu denied... but my six sense just tell me that... things are not the way youu said they are...

all the things that my tarots told me... seems to be opposite in reality... for the bad one, it is actually quite good now... as for this good thing here, it is not good at all...

consult my tarots today... and it said something that i have always been afraid of... something that no matter how much i hope will not happen, it still happen...

giving hope and leaving again... i am just used to the way things are le...

anyway... i can say that i would not be sad this time round... although i had much hope but i know i would not be sad...

believe me...i am not sad now... i am just amazed by the fact that i can actually handle my emotions so well this time round... no longer as sad as i used to be... amazed... not that the feelings are different... just that i have expected things to turn out like they usually do...

smply... i am used to it...

so... if youu think i am talking about youu, haha... then good for youu... cause i think i am not talking about youu...

this sounds lame... haha

my computer is super laggy now la...

haha...whatever... i think youu know...

~* C= *~

.::happy::.

~*this shall be a happier entry*~
~*since things seem to be falling into place*~

haha...ok... things seem to be falling into place... at least i think things are now getting a place each though it may not be the right place, but at least they have a place... i feel so super lame...haha...

anyway...it is better to be lame than sad right?

anyway... i just seriously hope that things are ok...just seriously hope that i am being paranoid this time round... cause i can still sense something not right...

anyway... if you happen to read this entry, which is rather unlikely, i meant what i said...

anyway... the advertisement at the top right hand corner of this page dont seem to be getting me much money... haha... people... please get the habit to click it for me? you can get to know somethings through those advertisement also...haha...

new year is getting nearer... i am trying to slim down for my clothes.. but i scare later end up the skirt too loose...

it is already very bi and loose le...cause i bought a bigger in size one,fearing that i will gain weight...instead i lose weight...well nevermind...haha...

well...i am using my tarots cards regularly again recently...need to forge the bonds... haha.. believe me... but there are somethings that my tarots told me and i dont knwo to believe or not... some good and some bad things...

haix... just hope that the bad is not true while the good one is true...haha

thank you all for listening... and daryl... please... i told you about my problems le ah... haha... why you sounded as though i didnt want to share with you... i know you busy so i also dont dare to bother you much...

thank you weihong... you listened and helped and i think you really really helped alot... you said things that i used to be afraid of...scare that after they graduate, everything now will be nothing... although i know they dont seem to care... maybe the time is still not there yet so they have not realise...

but looking at what had happened recently, i choose to believe that what i fear will just come through...

anyway... i have a very naggy sister...she will just come home and nag to us about what happened in her new secondary school...

oh...by the way... i know it is not right to promote something from nan yang girls but my sister is from NPCC which have absolutely nothing against us...so i was thinking... anyone interested in having cai qing for their home or shop or office? 100 for 1 lion, 188 for 2. 288 for one DRAGON...
haha

please come to me for more details...haha

anyway... there are just somethings in life that i no longer dare to place much hopes... i am afraid of disappointment... cause i know what i wish for is just so hard to come true... although i want to believe what my tarots told me... but somehow i know i cant...

CHINGAY... KALLANG THEATRE PERFORMANCE... MALAYSIA... I AM COMING!!!

~*letting it go*~
~*it is better to not hope much*~
~*dance away*~
~*will you dance with me?*~

.::tired::.

~*ok...i hope things are ok le*~
~*i suppose they are*~

haix... now only feeling tired and can feel all the suan feeling coming up le... can predict how suan my legs will be tomorrow...

and...haix... i think things are ok le... as in i suppose that things are ok...

please people...if there is anything that your not happy or bu shuang about me, please tell me directly... i want to change to be a better person...

cause i just cannot imagine the day when all my friends left me le then start to realise that something is wrong with me...

and i never like changes... i never like people coming into and leaving my life...

so please if there is anything that is wrong about me, please tell me... directly...

although i know i am quite stubborn and sometimes i would not change... but please... at least i know...

it is not that i am emotionally stubborn or something, koon hui... just that i wanted to know why...that is why i am holding on to it so tightly... as in their group meant something to me... so i will hold on to it... like i say, i dont want to be sentenced to death without knowing why...

anyway...thank you to people who bothered to ask and who bothered to help and who bothered to listen...

and to you, if you realise, i am trying to change after kee lui told me about it...just that i didnt realise that it applies to you also...

~*hope the rainbow is out*~

.::never imagine::.

~*never thought that he would be the first*~
~*i am still trying to believe it now*~

i am tired of blasting weihong with all my complains... i know he is also sick of them and i know he got his own problems...but come to think of it, who else can help me? why those who volunteered to help is never those who i hope for...

still, thanks for eveything...those who bothered to ask... those who bothered to ask why i seem so down, those wo bothered to ask why i am crying, those who bothered to ask if i am ok, those who bothered to ask whether i need help, and those who bothered to read this blog...

sometimes i am just thinking...i should have expected this outcome years ago... like one day, things will be like the way they are now?... but did i ever mention that i never thought that he would be the first one to hate me?

i know that one day friends will just leave you... everything in the world has to end someday, somehow, sometime, somewhere... but things that are happening now are not what i thought would have happen...

all the 'maybes' and all the 'ifs'... i am tired of them... i am starting to wonder where i belong... which group to hang out with...

the only one...it is gone... no longer that happy for me... cause someone in there will just be not happy about me hanging out with them... i saw that smile when i turn back to ask for direction... what is that suppose to mean?

i think i know... you would not even bad mouth me... you would not even let my name come out from your mouth anymore...

for goodness sake... i am not pessimisstic or paranoid... cause i just believe that things are really that bad now... say i paranoid and i make sure i explode in front of you...

i really dont know what to do next... i really dont know what i will do next... you never know how much you meant in others life... like i never know i meant so little to you... of all of your, why is it you that i was once closest to?

ya...go ahead and laugh if your want... if you still think i am kicking up a big fuss out of NOTHING... ya... there is really nothing... if only there was something, i dont think i will be that sad...

if you still think that this girl here is doing all this things, getting close to them just for power, go ahead and think that way... now that she failed in getting trust from them till they graduate, she is now trying to be close to another group cause they are going to get power soon... that has always been what your are thinking right? some of your out there...

ya...she is out to make the troupe political... that is why she formed a committee... ya... if that is what you think, then go ahead... she just changed so much... oh.. apologies... i mean she didnt change... she just failed to cover up things properly le... she is letting the cat out of the bag, letting people know that she is actually so very political that she wanted power so much... SEE? it suits her horoscope... she is a LEO... someone who wants or yearns for leadership... she should be a leader...

ya...some of your out there, happy that she is finally admitting all these?

your can now watch her fall...

do your know what i really wanted? i wanted a life without changes... i know that is never possible... can you at least promise me a friendship that will never change? although i never said friends forever to your but did your ever know that that is what i have always been hoping for? i thought your felt the same...but apparently i am wrong...

dont let me die without knowing how i die... that only reason last week was not enough... cant you see that i am all stressed up that day? i dont wish to use that as an excuse... even if i was not stressed, do you think what happened that day is enough to sentence me to death?

what have i achieve this holiday?

i manage to lose a friend... without even knowing why... do you know how that felt? how bad that felt?

~*when will the tears run dry?*~
~*let that day come soon*~
~*cause i dont want to cry anymore*~

.::you never know how bad it felt::.

~*do your know that telling me that i am just being paranoid dont help*~
~*but still thank you anyway*~
~*thanks for listening to my nagging*~
~*i dont know how much longer i can hold on*~

why the ones who tried to help are never the ones that i ever hope to be? ok... i am moving into depression stage again... how long have i not have that feeling?

i know i am a nuisance, always getting sad over things that your never thought were problems... but can your just accept the fact that i am stupid and that they appear as problem to me? can your just accept the fact that telling me that i am paranoid no longer help? can your just accept my point of view that something is just seriously wrong somewhere?

how to be thick skinned? i am trying to be... that is what i have been doing all these years if your realised... i never belong to your batch, never belong to your gang, never belong to your group... never if i never attempt to something when i was secondary3...

i know how many people will get furious after reading this entry... i know how many people will be laughing secretly about this great fall that i am experiencing now... and i know just how many people will just think that i am being paranoid again...

i feel like slapping myself... slapping myself, asking myself why i suddenly have the urge to be recognise? why suddenly i want them to know my existance? why suddenly i want things in my hand?

maybe because all these years i am not getting enough recognition that is why when i think that i am losing them, i start to be more demanding...

but whatever it is... i can no longer deny the fact that i have changed all these years... since all of your said so...

i sudden have the urge to type down his name... because i want him to know... but i cannnot

why am i like always label with things that i never do? why when i am shouldering that thing for him, he is going far?

maybe it is nothing to them afterall...

how to be thickskinned when i am already looking at his face and talking to him le but he still dont give a reply or even a expression?

i hope for him to ask yesterday but i only need a smile today but i got nothing...

quit telling me that he would not put it to heart... what is going on now? he is putting the fact that i have changed to heart... if not none of these will be happening now...

maybe i should not even be closer to him initially...

come to think of it... he is also hopping around changing friends...but why do they bu shuang me but dont bu shaung him?

i dont know whether i am sad now or angry now... dont know which one more...

what is all these with Mr Low saying that if bu shuang someone just say it out... apprently someone didnt put it in mind or didnt even hear it... i am tired of asking him whether he got bu shuang me not...

what a day without Si Aun... went home in 188... it is better than facing each other in total awkward silence on the train trip home...

thank you for telling me that they are still kids... i think i know that but what to do? i still took what they said to heart... i think it has become my habit... i am used to it...

i tried to make a change... i went home in 188 and not MRT...

but come to think of it... do you think he even realise that? i dont think he give a F*cking care about it...

do you know that that example that you gave me is not valid? cause we are just 2 different people... Dance Inspiration is not enough... see what is happening now...

it is just so hard to cry and once i start, it is just so hard to stop... should i cry or should i just keep everything inside me?

here i am kicking a BIG duss out of it.. i know...

go ahead...laugh at this idiot here who is just trying to grab attention and who is just being PARANOID...

go ahead... bu shaung this person here if you want... cause at least she will be happy that you even put in an effort to bu shuang her... cause she think that no one cares or even give a F*cking damn about her anymore...

sorry if you cared...thank you... i think i overlook you... you... i dont know who is the you...

~*laugh*~
~*or maybe help to make me cry?*~

.::what a sunday::.

~*what a great sunday that was*~
~*now then things start to come in all at once*~

i am not that good...i amvery bad...so bad that i cannot find a reason to anything...

all those reason that i found just seem so for me...so out to help me...

i didnt mean to even say anything that day... i dont even know why i said something that day... i only remember i had a bad day from that performance thing... didnt know how to handle and stuff...

why...how?...now i dont even know how to apologise...

what a cool me huh...

what do i do now?

i dont know...

why people like to keep things to themselves? people around them end up guessing and guessing... it is not fun at all...

help me someone...

~*i start to realise that even crying dont even help now*~
~*will youu help me?*~
~*i know youu cant*~
~*will youu be happy?*~

.::rain makes me happy::.

~*rain is something that wash away everything*~
~*everything that you never want to think about*~
~*but for that few moments only*~

WAHTUCK...can you tell me?it dont feel good to not know... and i think it will not be anything good... i dont want what you told me to happen... things are ok now... please...

thank you daryl...thank you for saying out what i dont dare to say...thank you shi bin for listening... we two have realise that time is no longer the same... i am not who i used to be... and your too... so let it be... we know that jokes and everything will still be there... thank you shi bin for trying to help but what you said didnt help... but at least you put an effort... that is enough...

alot of your.. it is enough to just ask...but he never do that... i am trying to not care about him... maybe it is wrong even from the start to be closer to him... and i think i am going near my task... he never bothers me that much anymore...

did he even realise that eveyone had realised what he is doing? did he even realise what i am thinking? i doubt so... so let it be...

sorry if i turn all my sad into angry... that is the only way to not be sad... that is the only way to do things... other than being sad and can do nothing...

thank you jeremy and koon hui that gang for asking me out for dinner just hoping to psycho me... i actually wanted to go...but... someone is there... i dont want to carry that fake smile...

so many things that your told me... i heard it thousand times... heard it from myself also... but things are easier said than done...i am trying...

i just keep hoping that the next time will be better

i have no idea... is it that i have problem with my way of talking or they got hearing problem or they did it on purpose? better no another time...

hope that youu will be happy... but the fear is coming near me again... again...i believe youu will be happy... but what about me?

you never know what is behind those happy smiles...

it is good to laugh at stupid jokes and have some fun in the rain... even if i am walking alone in the rain... it is also more than enough.. thank you peixuan and hannqian... had a rather bad day but thanks to all those water splashing... and being splashed by a passing bus!!! ok... i am ok after the walk to kallang mac...

did i ever told anyone that i actually walked in the rain around the carpark behind my house? i forgot what the whole problem is but i think it is them again... but the walk rocks.. though the rain was not big enough... haha... it did helped...

who say rain equals to sorrow?

~*pardon my bad temper recently huh*~
~*i am just turning my sorrows into anger to make myself feel better*~
~*sorry if i failed to control my anger well*~

.::why::.

~*it is always those same stupid titles*~
~*it is always those same stupid problems*~
~*it is always there*~
~*i cant solve*~

i never started off making friends with a stupid attitude. i never fake those whom dont have serious problem in their attitude... that is the way i handle things... all along... but seems like they are not working out right...

so many stupid things on hand... dont have a single idea what may happen the next minute...

so many things...who can i tell? not paranoid... but things are really just the way they are...just that your fail to realise that...

i think i am the closest to your but what is on your mind?i dont know... from what i see... things are only in the name... hardly true...

so all the while i am stuck here... with some stupid doings of mine that i never know was wrong?

what a stupid reason to not like me... to bu shuang me...

how to let it be...

did i ever said that i care how others look at me? alot... i care alot...

it is tiring to face those who like you

it is tiring to laugh when you are not happy at all

it is even more tiring when you thought you are with them and that they will understand you but yet in the end they dont.

why do i always have the urge to throw my handphone?

i just have the urge to throw anything that is in my hand whenever i see what they are doing...

i think i am going through what they are going through also...

always thought that things will be ok... thought that you will get their support and understanding but somehow you never get what you want...how disheartening can that be?

you never know until you go through it yourself...

what a day...everything just happen suddenly... i thought i could hold on... i thought i will not be bothered by it but i realise i am wrong... only when someone left then will i realise how much i actually hoped...

youu disappear...keep on telling myself the time is not right yet...sometime later youu will but guess like i am wrong...what a time now... a time now for myself only... youu feeling happy about whatever good things that have happened today...

youu know?i never get angry about youu being there only when youu want to talk... i just choose to deny...never like to admit... i dont want to get back that same stupid feeling again... so it is still better to not think about anything...

~*but there are just somethings*~
~*that i just have to think*~
~*not think...*~
~*but rather, feel*~

.::over sensitive?::.

~*did i ever tell your that i am super sensitive?*~
~*dont try to hide anything*~
~*i will know*~
~*i will know who you like or who you are interested in*~
~*so beware*~
~*cause i am sensitive*~

ok...now at dallan's house... i like his keyboard...cause i like the sound when you press it...but i dont like the shift key... cause its position so weird... i will press the wrong thing...

ok...things are no where better recently... only that i found out reasons why things are the way they are now...at least someone is willing to tell me... i dont have to keep searching for answer...but again...why are they telling different things to different people?

haix...i am trying to learn to not care... not care as in dont think so much... just do my best for things and things will be ok...

but when i am alone...things are just hard to say...

just think so much...it is not easy to do what you say... dont think jiu dont think meh?

do youu know that youu no longer make me sad?...cause i learn to take things in my stride... no longer so bend on having things my way...cause i know that it will not be nice... but i still dont like the fact that youu talk to me only when youu have problems...

all along i thought that they are the ones i am closest to...but i guess at times that i am wrong... things are hardly for me... they are there for me... most of my memories... but when things go wrong... do they support?

guess the number reading my blog... it is super low...

again...back to youu... i am just so sensitive that i can feel what youu are thinking... thinking as in... whatever youu say, i think i can predict... lets just wait and see or do youu dare to admit to it?

will the same thing as before happen again? say one thing and do another?

i dont know... let time tell the answer... what else can i do?

you...always there wanting me to tell you things... hello... do you even care?

it is just the same thing as you are feeling... will it even help to say? so quit asking me...

lets just hope that whatever bad things will end real soon... end and let me be happy...

BY THE WAY...

i can go MALAYSIA le!!!

that shall be the last... i promise...

hmmm... i wonder which junior college will we be working with... hmmm... what if it is...? haha... (oops...oh my did your realise that the previous 'haha' is the first time it is appearing after how many entries?)

~*be happy*~
~*youu know*~

.::another entry::.

~*forever...*~
~*my entry never reach the one it should reach*~
~*maybe i am talking about you*~

ok...talk to him...what a day... i thought i would not receive any ss but i did... how i wish i didn't... then maybe i would not even be tinking about it now...

it dont feel good to keep thinking about the same thing... keep getting that same feeling... yet i can tell no one...

youu dont know... youu never know...

~*what an entry right?*~
~*maybe i amd talking to you?...*~
~*you never know*~
~*just like i never know youu*~

.::do you live in a family like mine?::.

~*you will never understand what kind of world i am living in*~

what a father i have...every 2 or 3 days one argument... very fun is it? nope... not at all...

what a stupid thing... what kind of dad he is? how i wish he can just leave the house... i dont think i need him...

and...

youu....what do youu think youu are doing? i am demanding... then why do youu keep doing the same thing? i am always hoping, but i know it will only be disappointment that i will ever get...

get out of my life... if youu are not sincere... get lost please...

ya...i am trying to cheer up...but how to? how to when things are so messy for me... please... those f*cking people just get out of my life... stop giving me trouble... i am tired...

did i ever tell your that i hate responsibility? i never like it... dont know since when... so this shall be the last... please... let it be the last...

~*life will be better without him*~
~*what about youu?*~
~*i dont know*~
~*please... your know what to do...*~
~*click please*~
~* C= *~

.::the same thing again::.

~*it is alot*~
~*so much that i cant really handle*~

maybe i should not have talk to him...cause all the more i talk to him... all the more i think that i had done something terribly wrong and all the more i think that he is never happy with the way i work... i think some of your know who i am talking about...

not a nice feeling... i am biased... sorry... i didnt realise that until today... i didnt mean to... i thought of all the possible reasons but i cant find a reason to support my stand... ok... i admit... i did forget them... but at least one of them is in it right?

i am tired of all these things... it is hard to please everyone... i dont know how to... i dont want anymore things on my shoulders anymore... it is just that same stupid feeling like before... although i know... complain dont help... i still have to do it...

just hope that things get over soon... as soon as possible...

did your realise that i am always waiting for things to get over... cause i am always facing situation that i can do nothing about... can only wait for the thing to be over... cause one day anything will also end one...

and...

i never like to admit that things are still the way they are... why do youu even ask? ever know what feeling i am getting? not nice... i dont know what youu are thinking... just when i thought youu will not care, youu did... just when i thought i will get nothing, i got it...

just when i thought everything is over...it is such a mixed feeling... giving out the wrong message at the same time...

did youu know that a reply is enough?

i tried to test it out... youu passed it... somehow i go what i want... but how long will this even last? i doubt it will be for long...

so jie yim... you are a failure... you always thought that you know people well just by talking with them or knowing them for sometime... but come to think of it... you are just nothing... didnt you realise that all your entries are filled with words like 'i never know what you are thinking?'

so sad...but that is the truth... things are always like that for you... you should go and think about it...

just when you thought that everything is over, things start again...

~*oh...that is just so sad*~
~*go ahead and count how many entries have those words*~
~*go ahead and think*~
~*have you master that skill yet?*~
~*to know people inside out*~
~*especially them...*~

.::what a big change::.

~*a change in everyone*~
~*a change in me*~
~*there are just some things that i don't know why*~
~*there are just some things that i can't control*~

ok... i know i changed...but i didn't really know it was that drastic... but aniway... i can't really do anything now... somehow i still think the situation forced me to... but... nevermind...

ok...what that are going on recently... why they even come lor.. so much changes lor... and worse when you are misunderstood by your own people... things are just not what i want... i was being forced to... this time round...really being forced to... so please accept it... there are really reasons why i did those things...

i am not the one who forced thing to change to what they are now... not me... it is them... so be it... haix...

should i go?

~*a new year ahead*~
~*please have the habit of clicking on the advertisement by google on the top left hand corner of the blog... thanks*~
~* C= *~

.::PARANOID::.

~*slap this paranoid girl here*~
~*but she is ok now*~
~*you know there is something in this world called MOOD SWING?*~

hmm...firstly... conclusion after back from Marina Bay... i am super careless... why did i even take the camera out in the first place? i saw the cam that morning and start to think... and i just took it... i never lost aniting before... not my wallet or even handphone... why i lose a 3 months old new camera that cost over 600 plus?

omg...it is like... sad... i am given one year to earn it back...

thanks a million to the one/s giving me all the hugs... you all rock or you rock... make si sun jealous... it did cheer me up... thank you... i am ok now le... to whoever you are... please reveal yourself... C=

everything still means so much to me...everything from youu...but youu never know...i never want to do anymore things that has got to do with youu...cause i don't to hurt myself and b a bad person...

~*cheerios*~
~* C= *~
~*it is still the same, youu*~

.::I AM OK LE::.

~*i know how over paranoid i am at times*~

haha... after playing maple... i think i xiang tong le... haha... congrats me please...

C=

but still youu are still dere...

.::ok...tomorrow will be a better day!!!::.

~*ok...decided...*~
~*tomorrow will be a better day*~
~* C= *~

hmm...what a day... i realise a sad truth... maybe he didnt mind... maybe he didnt realise... aiya... let it be... nothing to say i will not say anything le... just let nature take its course...

have fun...continue to have fun and let them say whatever they want... ya... i dont need to know anything... and i know things will be alright until they do the same stupid things again...

it is the thing that you realise when you force yourself out of the picture... letting yourself get away from your source of trouble... then things will be alright... alright as in you will not think so much... cause there is nothing much to do anymore... there is nothing much you have to do with him... so be it...

~*enjoy your day tomorrow!!!*~

.::maybe it is good to not have friends?::.

~*i seriously need a slap*~
~*someone please*~
~*but still today is a better day than yesterday*~

hmm...sometimes not thinking is really better... sometimes i am just thinking...maybe one will do better off without friends?or rather without close friends... you will then not to spend much time in trying to handle the friendship...for fear that any bad thing can happen or for fear that one day that friend might leave you...

there are just some things that are not within control... legs and brains and mouth and every other small little things are on your friend, not on you...so you cant control... so no point brooding over the same thing again and again... but still... i cant control... so do you think i deseve a slap?

things are just easier said than done...

to me... i know i demand alot from friends... so much that i think i am a monster or something.. maybe i am related to RAR RAR RAT... do your know he can turn into a MONSTER MOUSE when he hock up?

that is the reason why the very first friendship in nan hua end...so long... i find it so sad to end it... but still i am a leo... i cant accept being lead around then...

no trust...3 is a crowd...it is hard to maintain a friendship that involve 3 people... cause it is just so hard to make sure that no one is left out... it is saddening to see 2 whispering and you not knowing anything...

things are just so expected... never expect him to give it a damn anyway... he never... or should i say hardly? he is not that bad afterall...

i feel as though i am using my horoscope as an excuse for behaving the way i am... do i have the rights to that? i am already getting confused...

i want to be recognised... scary ah me...? till now i am just thinking that i did things for nothing... he never seem to care... to him...things are just nothing... nothing BIG...

i never liked being wronged... i never like being kept in the dark... i think these are the only 2 things that i cant stand... but he never know... maybe he did... but he never see it as something BIG...

how many actually know?of those who know, how many actually believe me? i am stuck to this f*cking thing ever since the day i happen and don't know which clever idiots think i was the one...got mouth like don't have like that... no one involve knew who did it... i cant say... i can never say it...

stop saying i never ask... feel like slapping your face... aiya... i kapo la...

try pressing you rwarm face to someone's cold butt... does it feel nice? i hate that feeling... and i will hardly give myself a chance to feel that feeling...

i am really a monster... i cant remember anything that he had done fo me before... i am stuck in my own world... world where i am the best...i know that... slap me to wake me please...

everyone changes... i cant stop that... my fault for being away for long... maybe...

let things be over soon... i never like talking to them anymore... dont like the feeling...

ARGH!!! get out... i feel like screaming at people's face now... please...someone...

to youu: i am starting to wonder whether what youu are doing are worth it... things just seem so endless and unpredictable...

to you: you didnt get anything... you just continued with the way you do your own things... somethings that you didnt realised hit the start button and i start the whole process again...thinking about the same lame thing again... knowing the outcome even before it start but i cant control... like i say, it is never anything BIG to you... you are just concern with you,yourself,yours and still you... the topic and the listener... let things end soon please...

]]doubt the you will be reading this anyway...as if he will notice the blog... as if he will notice the change in nickname... as if he care... as ifhe think it is something BIG...[[

school starting and so many thousand million things undone... omg...i think i cant make it... have to jiayou... C=

~*let things end soon*~
~*stop saying the same thing you*~
~*enjoy life youu*~
~*stop thinking JIEYIM!!!*~

.::what a day::.

~*thank you Si Aun*~
~*thank you Daryl*~
~*...for listening...*~

what a day...laughter... and jokes... i know i promised myself a much happier entry today... but...hmm... i cant seem to that now... sorry... it is the time that i blog and the things that i thought about before i blog...

what a day... i thought i should not have thought about those things again... but still i did... the whole day... behind those smiles and laughter today... still...

anyway... peixuan and hannqian... the previous entry was not directed at your... cool... C=thanks for being nice nice juniors...

the others also...by the way...

thank you si aun for being a good listener... a good 'son'...

thank you daryl for being a good listener too... you know how i feel... C=

the smile is so bitter... it is not from the heart... not that i am not thankful but just that it is not enough to make m smile... maybe when school re open i will be better... better cause i do not need to handle all these things again and cause i know that by school re open, i will be the most outdated one AGAIN...

the same thing... the message did not reach the one i intented... i should have been used to things being one-way...

JIE YIM... IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT... RATHER ONE-WAYED... INSTEAD FOR A FEW... WAKE UP... DON'T DROWN YOURSELF IN YOUR WONDERFUL DREAM AGAIN...

I Should have expected things to be like that... then why did i still bother so much? i don't know... silly me huh...

it is nice to act as though there is something going on... let the one wonder who it is... revenge... but i wonder... does anyone catch that message?

ok...maybe the tone for this entry will get lighter and lighter... cause i am currently mapling...

i feel like crying... i don't know how to continue actually...

seriously if that person was someone else i would not have cared... seems to be considering for me but did you ever think how i will feel? you would not like that feeling too... did you realise that? no you did not...

so like i say... one-way-ed

say i feelso bad... feel as though i very KAPO... don't say...keep thinking... it would not help... i rather choose to say... i have been thinking from day 1... i thought i make myself clear once but what i get in the end?

everything is just so long and draggy... what long story it turnt out to be... what long story it can be...how long the story can be? how long will the gist be? what matters has always been the heart...

things never get any better... like expected?

AIYO...PLEASE SLAP MI HARD... i feel so silly... knew that it was expected still sad... ARGH!!!

i like time alone when i am sad...someone just half to come up and ask and that will touch my heart... thank you peixuan... you were the one... you asked... something short... and not knowing... but you did touch my heart... i was not feeling good then... C=

but walking through changi airport alone seems nice... suggestion...run away from home can run there... ok...that shall be what i will do if i runaway from home...

terrible night... it is time to get myself a dream catcher.. i need one... cry myself to sleep... terrible dreams... never once good... make one myself... my old one without feathers le...

anyway...no longer feel like typing names of people... maybe not giving it a damn right from the very start will not make me like that now... easy...just don't associate...i think i can do that... but my heart...

just ended the call with wahtuck...somethings are just difficult to let go that easily...i am trying...all along i am trying to... but sometimes the heart just lead the way...

thank you wah tuck for helping me to cry...crying make me feel better... thanks for listening... i feel silly...

to SiAun,Daryl,WahTuck: 'thank you... i know your will keep what i said a secret... C='

still i must thank you for all the jokes all these years...
making me laugh when i am being unreasonable...
unreasonable and getting angry over nothing...
you made me laugh...
although i told you more than once that i laugh do not means i am no longer sad or angry...
i am just a failure at controlling my laughter...
but all these years i am immuned...
and things have changed...
you are no longer the one i know...
so be it... it is always your choice...
so much similarities between your...
not for my case...
so much difference...
i thought i know you but then i realise i don't...
sad case ah? what a failure i have been...
don't tell me that things lies with me...
don't tell me i didn't ask...
cause i cant...
the ratio is wrong...
i am already biased...
i thought things were ok all along...
but...
there is always a 'but'...
i was wrong..
all along wrong...
so what can i say?...
maybe everything should not be this way right from the start...
but still i must thank you...
until everything is over, i don't think i will associate myself with you...
until everything is over...
soon i suppose...
but yet i doubt you will realise me moving far away...
i know you...
C=

don't ask me who the message is for... cause i know i die die will not say one... keep SECRET... C= purposely or not i don't know...maybe half half... but anyway... there are still things that i need to learn and there are things that i cant imagine yet... i don't wish to think till the day come...

cheerios people... life rocks when you don't think so much and just have fun... hmm... easier said than done but at least you will try will you not?

it is always btte rto be happy than sad... please tag... thank you a million for reading so far... all the stupid sad things about me...

C=
what the smile >>>C= means still means the same thing... just that youu never know... yes... youu...

~*let time solve it*~
~*youu never know*~
~*you never know*~
~*it is just different*~

.::about me::.

~*i searched for somethings about my zodiac sign online*~

You should be leo!Leo is the fifth Sign of the Zodiac. These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. Leos are an ambitious lot, and their strength of purpose allows them to accomplish a great deal. The fact that these folks are also creative makes their endeavors fun for them and everyone else. It's quite common to see a Leo on stage or in Hollywood, since these folks never shy away from the limelight. They are also supremely talented and have a flair for the dramatic. Warmth and enthusiasm seems to seep from every Leo pore, making these folks a pleasure to be around. They do love pleasure!


and


The sign Leo is symbolized by the Lion.Your sign's element is Fire. Leo is ruled by the Sun.You are highly dramatic and like to be center stage. Leo is poised and confident, loyal, sincere, and makes a good organizer.
Leo is proud and dignified, enthusiastic, and ambitious. Leo likes luxury and pleasure and is willing to pay the price for it. Leo is colorful, self assured, outgoing, impulsive and expansive. Leo is authoritative and affectionate. You expect praise and you give praise.
Possible negative aspects of the sign Leo: You can be jealous, arrogant, vain, self centered, and a show-off demanding attention. You are flashy, domineering, and
snobbish, and have feelings of superiority over others.


~*ok...thAt is just so me*~

i Never forget i Am A leo...Neither Am i letting it leAD my wAy...i Am just like thAt...

whAt Are you thiNkiNg now, jieyim?...the truth is... i Am thiNkiNg About A lot of thiNgs... so mANy thAt i eveN thiNk thAt i Am scAry...

i seem to be DemANDiNg too much... but come to thiNk of it... mAybe i Am just kApo?... but seriousLy i doN't thiNk i Am...

i was ok...until you said those words... maybe not directed at me... but i was like... 'hey...you do feel that way too?'... i decided to be a listener...that means whatever that come in will just stay there... no thinking or much processing will be done... cause i think it will not be necessary to process...

so how will i be troubled when i just listen?

i am always the last few to know... you just said i never asked... hmm... i never have the time to ask every single one of them...

maybe it will be ok... ok if we were never so close as friends before... you will then be just like the others... i wouldn't be thinking so much now...

always saying the same thing over and over again... i never like the feeling of not knowing something... it is ok to keep things away from me... but provided that i never hear anything about it... why let me hear abit and yet not tell me?

it feel just worst when the people you are going out with knows about it... most of them know about it... except me... what group do i fall into then? to me i fall into the group of untrusted ones... not close friends ones...

what a christmas this year...

what a holiday this year...

thats me... and shut the crap and stuff... stop whispering in front of me... don't expect me to tell you anything... let you have a taste how bad that feel... secrets huh... what secret it is when you know something is going on?

a fool or idiot i am... trying to probe and i got words telling me to shut up...

~*ENOUGH*~
~*I MIND*~

`as if the message will reach the person i am directing it at`

'what a christmas'

.::grow up le::.

~*its now my time to learn to grow up*~

three years passed just like that... those time that we spent after dance on all those Saturdays, talking to them, repeating the same things week after week... never expect them to grow up... always thought that they wouldn't...hmmm... but please look at them now... haha...

come to think of this christmas, it seems like one rather sad one... think how will things be like next year... NHDS will no longer have the whole gang of sec3 boys there... hmm...it will just seem so not right to me...

yea... si aun... i am trying to move on... i think i am... hmm... you will see lesser of me next year if my time table sucks...cause if seems to take me at least half hour to get me from my school back to nan hua... and...hmm...whats for next year? A level? oopx...

hmm...please be guai wild cave kids...haha... don't ask me how you get that nams... sec3 boys... daryl gave your that name... haha...

thank you for all the nice memories...

~*i though they will never be able to grow up*~
~*but i was wrong*~
~*look at them now*~
~* C= *~

--to youu : did you realise that things are still the same?my thinkings,feelings,everything--

.::so far::.

~*so many things to say*~
~*so many things not done*~
~*so many regrets*~
~*so many sorries*~
~*so many whys*~
~*so many confusion that i have no idea what all these is about*~

even before i start, i should apologise...haha... blog dead for so long...

anyway... so many things happened... so many and yet i only remeber the bad ones... hmm...why?... i don't know... but i still do remember that i picked up a sabretooth and someone gave me a silver snowboard... thanks a million...

anyway... ya... so many things that needs to be done... and so many things that are done by me... and some others and i am feeling guilty that i actually did that... regret for what so ever that had happened... if your know what i am talking about... i failed to consider and think for everyone again...who am i to deserve what they are saying? i am not that great afterall...

hmm... maybe what i heard was just what a certain someone had said... as in maybe that person is just making up things that do not exist... but since no one seems willing to tell me what happen, i can only choose to accept what i heard... for after so long, i finally know the reason why he choose to leave in the first place... never thought about that at all...

so many problems caused due to all those acts of mine... at least a lesson learnt though... learnt no to do anything... and i am trying to control...

never know that all these could have happen... refering to all of them... only when the thing is starting to stir then i realise what a fool i have been... i am always feeling that i am a fool...

but somehow i have learnt to take things as they come... because happy or not... you still have to smile... you still have to laugh... i know if i cry, i will be the one at fault... i tried to control... i tried...

i miss them... i miss every single one of them...

sometimes i just wish that i do not know anything bad... at least things will still be the same...

all those meetings and things that i have said... how i hope that they never come out of my mouth...

sorries to those who understand what i am talking about... i contributed to things... maybe i am starting to miss myself... miss those days when everything is just so so peacefull...

maple kept me company these few nights... i will be so tired that the moment i off my computer i will just fall asleep... i am not thinking that much...

today... what have i done all along to deserve this kind of treatment? all the problems that i know... i wanted to solve them... i am trying my best...but she no longer needs me... why are there changes? i never like changes... i rathe rlife be the same... let the people around me be how they used to be... she is no longer the one whom i know what she is thinking... someow sheis different... arrogant?proud?or just trying to be strong? i don't know... but one thing for sure... she just falls in the group that i can never comprehen... never able to guess what they are thinking about...

sometimes it is just not good to be able to guess people's minds... cause when you obviously know that you are right and yet when you asked them they said otherwise, you will just feel hurt... hurt that they are not telling you the truth... although you knwo that they have their reasons... but it just hurts...i dont know why... i never like secrets

if you dont want to let me know anything, then dont even let me know of it's existance... once i know, you will have to tell me...

i never like to see people depressed and not know what is going on...

i start to realised that those whom i once treated as matured in thinkings, are not that matured afterall...maybe they changed or maybe i was wrong right from the start...

he changed you... i dare not say that i am putting in my most effort for this thing but i can just admit that we are different in our piorities... there some things that i think they are more important than any other thing...

i dont know how to continue... because...thinking back, everything was cause by my own doings...

there are just some memories that i choose to remove them from my handphone... because there are just things that i do not see the point in placing them at places that i will easily catch a glimpse of... it is sometimes better to keep things at the hidden corners of my heart...

only those who are concerned will know what i am really thinking about... for they will be the ones willing to ask...

i dont know what more changes will happen day after day.. let my holidays pass peacefully...

i am trying to let it be peaceful... it is just good to treat her as a stranger... not that i wanted to... but i just dont know how to settle it... i will only end up with heartaches... not me, not her but someone else...

haas... if you ever have the chance to see my swollen eyes, you should be feeling glad for me... cause i manage to let things out... i cant even cry now...

~*i hate changes*~
~*what will things be like half a year later?*~
~*what can i do to solve and settle everything?*~
~*missing you, youu, them*~
~* C= *~