.::late nights::.

~*late nights are still as happy as before*~
~*cause i only have happy thoughts*~
~*so it is happy day all day long*~

i am not quite used to the fact that i am no longer thinking that much at night... i mean... think alot better.. like that life will have more ups and downs... hmm...but sometimes think too much do make one real sad...

i also dont know how to say... when i am happy and everything is going on fine, i will try to dig out something that is sad in my mind and start thinking about it...over and over again... what i get in the end? sad... not depression...

but still.. i think it is these unhappiness and sad stuff that makes me treasure my happy moments... but i do not want to have happy moments for long...cause they usually dont last... so... instead of living in my own complecent world with only happy things for a long period of time, i choose to be sad when i think i have enough happy things...

late nights are giving me out breaks... argh... i am just suddenly so sensitive to it... thanks to what my auntie have got for me... things got better...but late nights... eeks.. anyway... haha

i was watching da chang jin since my whole family is like crazy over it... it makes sense... loneliness... caused alot of problem... greed too...
maybe in the case of us and our society, people fear loneliness and do certain things to hurt other people... people around them... their fear for loneliness, or greed for something makes them do evil things.. not knowing that, actually with power and wealth and maybe popularity, you end up being more lonely and the greed that you can never fulfil... that is just so life... i mean it is life...

people moving in and out of our life... no one have the chance to give their 100% to their every friend or everyone around them... maybe only when people leave then you will understand how much they actually mean to you.. ya... that is also part of life... life is made up of so many things... so many that you cant list them out one by one...

there are also just things in life that some people never choose to admit to... maybe not just somethings, but a whole lot of things... again...that is life... there are just so many things that maybe hiding them up will make your life better or others life better...

and i cant deny... it is always a pleasure to not know so much... maybe sometimes people shoul stpo being curious.. but who on earth is not curious? i mean... not a single soul is.. so... hmm... maybe that is just part of life again...

maybe life should not be all about waiting... or am i the only one who think that life is all about waiting? haha.. i mean... life is really just about waiting... waiting for your goal to be reached... waiting for that day to come when you leave this world... waiting for whatever that you are waiting for... but cant deny.. from the day you are born, you need to wait for death to come... you never know when it will come... maybe tomorrow, i will be dead? who knows... but still.. whatever that is important is still to live life to the fullest...

that is just what everyone claims right? live life to the fullest... but do you really think that that is just what everyone is doing? the world is just full of restriction... so much that sometimes there are just no goals in life that belongs to you... they are just goals set by the society or in most case, by your parents...

there are so many unknowns in life that needs to be answer... maybe that is another goal in life... but whatever unknowns that one have to answer may not be determined by that individual... it could be the society again...

i dont know... the society is changing... all my 18 years of life... there are different things.. i mean... most of your saw the difference... but can you accept those changes?

maybe i should not mention something that is just so far from the reality that we are living in... maybe not very far but still, it is something out of our consideration...

maybe i should first learn how to cope with changes? i never want to get myself committed to anything... cause i know that everything have to end one day... but there are still many things on my hand... friends and family... you never know when they will end... i only know i would not be able to take it... who will be the one who can be there for me when i need someone to just to be willing to listen?

i think i am quite an extremist too... so extreme that i find myself abit scary... i mean... dont know since when, i stop watching every episodes in series... i mean... all i need to know is the story... so most of the time, i will just give certain episodes a miss...and it works ultimately... i dont feel the lost when that show end... ever tried missing all the characters in the series? i have been trying that all my life..

i am just an extremist who cannot take changes... i hate them..

ok.. i hate alot of things.. hate being wronged... hate people who keeps a whole lot of stuffs from me... and i hate changes... sometimes i just wonder why cant we just stayin one school or college in our entire education life... i know i mentioned that a tonnes lots of time.. haha... but stilll, that is still what i am thinking about...

there are just so many things in my life that i hope would not change... or maybe go back to what they used to be... life will be happier that way... alot happier.. and maybe less trouble...

there are also alot of things that i still dont dare to admit.. they are there all the while... i never choose to dig them out at times... but still they will surface one day... hmmm... actually i cant really name one now.. but still i know something is there... holding on... not knowing what or where that thing has gone wrong... but still... haix..

haha... ok.. i am not depressed... i just felt like typing a whole lot of stuff today... god knows how many people read this...and for the you, whoever you are, thanks for reading until so far hhuh... haha.. but are you sure you read everything? haha...

i think either no one reads my blog or my entries just leave people speechless and so no one tags on my tagboard.. haha...

oh ya... by the way.. i have to thank the kind soul who is always clicking on the *hugz* counter... giving me *hugz* ... but sad to say... i dont know who you/ your are... haha...

life is like that...so many things... there is just no one in this world who is totally happy... or totally perfect.. no one...

everyone need someone or something to make them complete... and maybe that is the reason why opposite things attracts, like the fact that guys like girls and girls like guys (most of the time la)... haha...

that is also just like love... love is something that is important in life too... maybe without love, that person dont deserve to be alive... and there is always something in love that makes it last... friends to like to love... the whole process is just so long... that you never know where it may just break... it is also the long process that makes alot of people treasure love and appreciate love..

treasure...hmm...that leads back to how much you treasure a person... you really never know until that person leave you...

oppostite attracts... it is like that in love... both parties willing to give and take... that is the thing that forge the bond... the bond between 2 people.. i assume that is something difficult too... cause whatever that has got to do with life and love is difficult and never that easy to understand...

that is the end of the crapping... i also dont know why i crap so much... i should be asleep long ago.. i told myself to sleep early.. ya.. it is earlyin the morning now..haha.. 3.15am... please praise me.. god knows how bad the out break will get tomorrow... haha

~*it is really easier to smile than frown*~
~*eveyone knows that*~
~*but not everyone can do that*~
~*so? spread the diesease*~
~*the smile*~
~*it is contagious*~
~*so beware*~
~*haha*~
~* C= *~
~*the smiley face*~
~*the one that do mean something*~
`how2admit`in life`i din move on`i tried

.::happy entry::.

~*life is like that*~
~*ups and downs*~

life is like that... i can be crying in the night but the next morning i am happy like siao...

ok...high suger intake makes you happy... but i get abit guilty huh... haha...

life is just like that... so into horoscope, tarot cards and so many things lately... of course when i am free.. i am starting to wonder why... why bother to find so much about the future? why try to know what will happen tomorrow? i mean... there are just somethings that you decide for yourself... but still i choose to know more...

i want to know more... i want to be more certain about the future... i scare getting lost... i scare not knowing what will happen next... who is not afraid of this kind of things one? not knowing what will happen the next minute... not knowing when will bad things come...

anyway... life is just like that... people are always out looking for things to confirm certain other things... i am also like that... i am always out soughting for confirmation...

anyway... this is suppose to be one of the few rare happy entries... so...hmmm...

happy day today... my son birthday... haha.. ok... my auntie's grandson... ok...not my auntie... but my nanny...

haha

cute little boy... so much more cuter than dallan... i think that is why he always feel like slapping the boy whenever i show him the photo...haha

haha... i realise... crying do help... it is better to cry things out.. .just something to make me cry... and i will let everything out... haha...

so next time when i am sad... maybe someone should make me cry... haha... cause i will definitely feel much better after that...

life is like that... ups and downs...

maybe it is time to confirm what i really want before i continue to sought for confirmation from the outer world...

anyway... i just realise that my knee hurts... hmm... my left... whatever... haha

oh ya... i got a BAND 3 for pw... the whole school is getting that kind of grade, with only EIGHT INDIVIDUALS getting band 1... oh my... thats is like hell... i should not persist who is at fault... someone will get it back for us...

hello... the stupid bloody problem here now is... a low number of band 1 and oli less than 10 in each class getting band 2..

and hello... my class only a mere 3 people getting band 2... what is this? the number of people getting band 1 in our college is way lower than the PERCENTAGE of people getting band 1 in other college... arh... what is the world coming to?

dont say it i because our college stricter... who have thinner PW file than us? get the point? where are all the researches? hmmm... in the working file... -_-

what is this?

but still sorry... the whole thing here is... it is never our choice to leave it with us and not hand in in the final file... NOT US!!! definitely not the whole college... but that is just what the whole college did...

i think i should pray to her... argh..

anyway... let the good things continue lor... definitely not her... her reign is OVER!!!

GET RID OF HER!!! argh

she ROCKS the whole of SAJC... thats the solely only thing that i can say now...

disclaimer.. all of the above informations are just personal views and i should not be held responsible for whatever that may happen as a result of reading this entry. it is just an entry written without any objective to offend someone or to defame someone.

the disclaimer abit lame... i know that... but you never know... haha...

happy things... happy things...haha

today feel so saturday-ish...haha.. that was too random though...

haha

~*let everything continues*~
~*the good things*~
`sori`i m selfish`let mi do wadeva tt i want`10Q

.::i am happy today... but i am tired::.

~*i am hyper today*~
~* argh *~
~*tired*~

i dont know why i so tired today... felt like i am going to fall sick anytime...but anyway.. i am still alive... tomorrow is such a stupi long day can...but anyway.. haha.. is the last day of the week so i dont care... haha...

i know i am just too tired to think.. i think like that also better la... so tired that the moment i board the bus, i sleep... haha...

no time to think... tonight... i think i have like tonnes to do... so... thats all that i am going to write here before i disappear...

see the happy me on SUNDAY!!! haha...

sunday seems like the best day of the week although i have to see some people that i dont really wish t see...but it is still a happy day...all the stupid things that we can do there...haha...

the most important thing is i can sleep in till a later time!!! PIG... haha...whatever...

i didnt sleep during math and biology lecture today!!! ok... i dozed off for about one minute during biology but i didnt miss anything...

at the end of the lectures, i praise myself k? cause if i sleep during biology lecture i would have missed a hell lot of things... all empty...the lecturer say she loses one side of her contact lens so she didnt realise that her notes are so empty and so different from her slides... some serious copying...haha... going to reorganise the notes later...

maths lecture... the lecturer so super slow... we have 2 lecturer alternating... lucky today isthe male teacher... argh... dont know why he sound so happy when it comes to math...and dont know why the other lecturer, who is also my subject teacher, sound so sad when she talks about math... she seems to be singing a lullaby when she is lecturing... oops... haha

should i go for easter celebration this saturday... i think i should be a good girl and stay at home... =p please praise me for being a good girl...

haha

miss nanhua...cause i didnt go back today...sorry...really too tired... guilty... like pang seh keelui like that... next time bah...

thanks to those who tried to talk me out of that sad mood of mine yesterday... haha... thank you for the song!!! C=

~*smile*~
~*it is not that bad afterall*~
~* C= *~
`i noe e same ting is bgining`sori`i m tryin2control

.::that is my life::.

~*everyday just come and go*~
~*maybe i am not that sad afterall*~
~*i think i am just not busy enough*~

if only i am more busy, i would not have all those free time to think about things...and i would not be so sad... if i am more busy...i would not have more time to visit places that will bring sad things into my mind... if i am more busy things will just be alot better...

all the ifs... all the maybes... all the i wishs... all the i hopes... all the crap...

nothing is real... or at least... nothing is real or true for me...

down is the direction that everything is going towards... a direction that no one hopes to see... but still who can put everything to a stop?

hope that he really can help... all his plans... i never know... i only have fear... fear that i will stand in the way.. maybe i should really have move on...

maybe i should just leave when i am having only happy memories... dont want anything sad to come with me...

maybe... maybe... so many maybe... maybe i should just shut up...

life is like that... i felt as though i am slapping myself all the times... contradiction after contradictions... maybe one day they will just cancel each other out... and i will be true to myself one day...

the decision may seem easy...but it is not that easy afterall...

when will i learn to be truthful? i dont know... god knows... ya right...

i told myself... i made the decision...move on... but what did i do in the end? i am still stuck here... how sad or how much worse can things get... failure...

i am still here... struggling... ya... that is me...

i am still the strong me... i still have to smile... cause i know i cant cry... nothing comes out... and it dont really help...

blue is for sad... what other colours are present here?

~*smiles*~
~*maybe things are not that bad afterall*~
~*i am trying to change*~
~*did you notice?*~
`decided`iz oli whether i can do wad i decides on`i will try

.::talk more about me and what i really think::.

~*thats me*~
~*a leo*~
~*a cancer*~
~*a cusp*~

ya...thats me.. even i am confused with my personality...dont laugh at me for stuffing so much information up my brain...but they are just true...

but something i dont understand... seems to me i have only the negative personality of these signs...

a cusp is someone born in the period when the old sign is slowly being relaced by the new sign... so...since i am born between the changing of leo and cancer, i am a cusp... you will get characteristics of both... so i will be reading 2 horoscope each time when i try to look at horoscopes...

it i s not really nice... cause it makes me all confused... i just dont seem to have any positive signs with regards to the 2 signs...

and worse still...those 2 signs are just so different... maybe there are similarities somewhere...

leo is a fire sign, cancer is water.
leo is ruled by the sun, cancer is ruled by the moon.

ok i think those 2 are obvious differences le...

i went to read through all the characterisitics... and i realise that i am just a cancer who choose not to control my emotions...

When Cancer does not attempt to control the personality then everyone around is in trouble as the negative Cancer is not a pleasant person to know. Negative Cancer becomes sulky when the desires are not met; the tendency is that the world owes them something and they will collect from everyone around, if this Cancer is denied, then that person will be dropped from his or her life, even if it is close family members.
you must learn to forgive and forget in order to ward off the dark depressions you find yourself falling into. In any case, you are the most emotional of all the signs and must learn to deal with them
Holds fast then lets go without a reason?

yea...that is so me... so what else can i say?thats what is about cancer... lets move on to leo...

they also have a great fear of being ridiculed and made to feel disgraced.
The lions love and adore children as they bring out the inner child. Leos are surprisingly sensitive and easily hurt, but they do have a tendency to dominate and this should never be underestimated.
They can be too status conscious, causing themselves much anguish when, or if, they cannot keep up with others in their immediate circle.

that is what is about leo... so lets move on to cancer and leo

Cancer/Leos are the first to express emotion in any given situation -- the first to laugh and the first to tears
your thinking is based more on feelings, intuition, personal experiences, and prejudices rather than reason or logic.

ya...that is all about me... i seem to only have the bad traits.. but i am still trying to learn...

maybe it is time for leo the leader to learn how to control the emotions of the cancer... someone who uses senses more than she uses her mind...

no logic and no reason... just feelings...that is just so me...

if you all are reading this... i just hope that you know the real me...

if you are reading this... here is something that no longer knows how to say... i am feeling so guilty... i am like a burden to you...maybe i should be the one getting out of your life... late night online conversations and all those talking... it just let me feel like i am disturbing you... dont ask me why i have that feeling...i just sense so... hmmm... maybe i am thinking too much?

~*ya... that is me*~
~*the evil me*~
~*the irritating me*~
~*the bad me*~
~*the silly me*~
~*and i know...*~
~*one day...*~
~*the happy me!*~
~* C= *~
`sori is e oli ting tt i try2say`sori4being a burden

.::do you wish that i will be happier?::.

~*i wish i wish i wish*~
~*things on the wish list are useless*~
~*cause they never come true*~

mood swing or whatever that you call it... i dont know... i only know that i am gettting to be a better girl recently...stuning my friends with all the completed tutorials... all the point form for all he essay... all homework on time... but what i get in return?

i am alone... in school...nothing to do... maybe i should be back to the old me... copy homework in school... at least i would not have time to think...

i will have more time to rest and slack at home... i will be able to feel better...

i will not have time to sleep in school... and i will not get this bloated feeling from the short naps...

the bloatyness is killing me... how i wish i can take a pin and poke my stomach...let out all the wind stuck in my digestive system... argh...

i wish i wish i wish again... if i can do it, i will not be wishing away...

life is just like that... sometimes it is just better to not wish so much...

how i wish that things can change now.. how i wish i can go back to the past.. maybe i should not have really cared so much... i think i will be happier that way...

what a life..

what a wish i am having now...i want to shock the world with improvement in results... maybe not 3 As but at least one... in A level... thats is the shock that i want to give everyone...that is the miracle that i wish to create...

see...i wish i wish i wish again... as if it will happen that easily...

why do people get over sensitive at times?or rather... why do i get over sensitive at times...? maybe we should all just be trained to think logically and not let our heart guide the way...

confirmation...thats what everyone needs... thats what everyone wish to get...

it is just not good to be oversensitive or to think too much about what will be happening in the future... cause when things dont happen, you get sad... maybe it is time to not consider so much... i wish that things will be better in the near future.. but things are just not within my control...what can i do? i can only pray that they leave sooon... maybe things will be better in control then...

i think it will be... or rather i wish it will be...

life is just like that... always wishing for something to happen... i wish...

maybe it is time to disappear and only then will people realise how much they treasure you... but what will i gain and what will i lose? is it worth the risk? i dont know... i dont dare to try.. i know i dont dare... cause i am always there... i am still there...

~*i wish to be happier one day*~
~*i wish i wish i wish*~
`y r tings still lidat?

.::if only i can predict the future::.

~*if only i can predict the future*~
~*maybe i would not have raise my hand*~
~*dont raise my hand on that faithful day*~

maybe if i didnt raise my hand on that faithful day, life now will be more happy... or rather, not that much high and low... maybe i will be happier...

happier as in not that much things to consider... i am starting to doubt my ability... no longer sure what i can do and what i cant... no longer sure what is real and what is not... and no longer sure who is the real ones and who are just plain fakers...

i am al confused...not even sure whether i amconfused or not...or am i just plain avoiding? i dont know... maybe i will be much much more happier if i never belong to that family.. if i never raise my hand... or maybe i lie low all those days... maybe i would not even be here...

but i cant deny... my memories...all thanks to them.. how will my days be like without them...

i am starting to not know what is true and what is not.. i think the worst thing of all is that i cant cry... not as in i cannot cry... but i just have not reach the point... maybe crying will help..

i am also not sure what is happening..why i am like that.. what exactly i am thinking about... ok... or maybe i choose not to think... i dont want the definite answer to my troubles... cause i think i know i will be more sad after that...

maybe sometimes it is easier to just laugh... but please.. i hate the world for leaving me alone... or rather i hate myself for having to be alone at times... i dont like being hyper then alone.. cause you know that you will try to find another happy thing to make yourself happy when you cant find any... or rather...things will just come in and occupy my tiny brain...

ya...tiny brain... then you cant handle them and you will be sad again...

i think i will be ok tomorrow.. i hope i will...

i have to be... i have to be ok...

~*there are just somethings that you never know*~
~*somethings that if you know will happen...*~
~*you will never go and try*~
~*i want to predict the future*~
~*i know there will be a smile on my face tomorrow*~
`i haf2smile`ttz e oli ting i can do`mayb u dunno`bt i m nt ok

.::the wait the dance::.

~*the wait*~
~*we are all born to wait*~
~*end of the year*~
~*that is one end*~

my left eye twitches like everyday?! erh... i am quite tired of it lah...how to make them stop twitching? hmmm...maybe i am just too tired...haha... but it is still quite heartening to know that your left eye twitched...

ok...when will end of the year come? hmmm... dance dance and dance...

we are all born to wait... wait for death to come the moment we are born... god knows when we will leave the world?

maybe it is time to put only happy things in your mind... and for some of your out there to go and have an aim or something... maybe something like world peace or something...

hmm...lost track of what i am trying to say... and please others out there, please update your blogs!!! especially the guys!!! haha... example... that dont know what hann and dont know what bin... and that so called god almighty... maybe he is too afraid to see his computer... oh...i forgot... his computer gave up on him... maybe one day his new handphone will also do that... because there is just too much of HIM in them that makes them feel like spoiling... hmmm...anyway... not really funny here...

argh... cannot stay till that late at night anymore... there goes... hmm... or maybe... it is just the time that is not right?haha...

he didnt shout at me...or rather i think he dont even care anymore...

ok...that was too random...

anyway... i forgot what i want to type...

oh...my son birthday coming!!! good friday got buffet!!!

hmmm...what else? quite sianx lah... i know...haha...

ok...message of the day... the jelly is almond flavour!!! random...

how to really dance on and move on when you dont know what will things be like in the end? will things still be the same? the same like before? the same feeling? you never know... i am not sad... i am just worry...

~*stay happy*~
~*dance on*~
~*happy smile dance*~
`thank u`wad a part in my life

.::i feel like i am losing it AGAIN::.

~*what is the good thing?*~
~*what are the bad things?*~

confused la... recently...hmmm... not really alot of things...but stupid koonhui... really idiot... why bring up that topic... the impact was not that great anymore...but the impact is still there...

ok...fine...something sad coming in again... i planned to write a happy entry today morning one k... oh my...

it is Ester week...and how much sadder can i get? ok la... not really sad...

why must you remind me that things are changing? PA no longer have that many people... the Nan Hua feeling... no longer anymore regular visit back to nanhua... i have trouble handling those friendships...they are still on the rock... what a failure huh...

i was shocked when he said that he would not be going back to PA... i used to think about how will things be like if he go... come to think of it... maybe they go, things will be better... aiyo... contradiction... i still dont know...

but i still dont understand what makes him hold on to things so tightly this time round... it is so not like him...anyway...hope he will be happy...

maybe completing A level is not really the aim... the aim is to get studies over and done with and i can go back to NHDS...

no more regular visits... thats quite saddening....

anyway... the happy things... thanks to those who roared to welcome me when i go back huh... very happy...hmmm... maybe some disappearing tricks will help at times?...oopx... haha...

laugh and laugh... thats the only things now bah...not considering the fact that i still have to handle those problems at the end of the year...

maybe i should not have stepped into their life at all also... maybe i should not have allow them to step into mine... how many times have i cried? countless.. i lost count le...

tired...dont know what to write le lah...

anyway...why must there be conflict between countries huh? so many homework because of that!!!

random...

announcement... my friend is ok le... i think she is... going to work as usual...so should be ok le la...

hmm...actually quite alot of things to talk about..just that i am too tired... argh... my whole mind is still filled with insulin and glucose... all from the biology essay that i did just now...still got a dozen not done...

what is the thing that is suppose to come but not here?hmmm...next week... parent meet teacher...god knows what he will tell my mama this time round...

bad news of the day... jeremy had a twisted ankle... oh my...

this year really not that smooth sailing after all... it is not smooth sailing at all~~~!!!

first time in my life...bird shit drop on me... or should i be happy that it i didnt fall into my food?

first time in my life... i slipped in my house toilet... a place that i go in more than once a day...for all my 17 years... argh... or should i be happy that i didnt injure badly at all?

first time in my life... i fail everything... or should i be happy that the school is not kicking me out?

aiyo... dunno happy or sad la... so many things...

jelly day tomorrow... make jellies~!!

oh before your click on the [X] on the top right hand corner, please click on that google ad at the top right hand corner of the page... let me earn some money... and i dont mindhaving more [hugz] at the bottom left hand corner...

~*smile*~
~*time pass faster*~
~*day pass faster*~
~*with that smile on your face*~
~* C= *~

.::i am happy::.

~*feel happier recently*~
~*it is another time to add some happy things to my blog*~
~*whee~~*~
~* C= *~

ok...so many talking...not really happy about it...but still... hmmm...let nature take its course...

i am like waiting for somethings to come like that... i also dont have idea what it is...

i think that something is there but i am not sure whether there is...

mass hinting time... whao~~ ...hmmm... quite sian though... i nothing to say...

haha... things will get better soon...

hmm...left eye keep twitching recently... haha... aiyo... good things are going to happen...haha... i know...

sometimes one will be happier when you dont think too much and dont sense too much...

ya... you better dont activate your senses... but i think you did... but... haix... dont deny... dont avoid... cause denying cant avoid... avoiding cant deny...

hmmm...i am talking some crap here...

message of the day... i am happy recently la... i hope your are happy too...

since when has night time becomes the happier time of the day?

oh...the whole day is happy day...~!

haha...

jiayou~!

~*stay happy*~
~*smile*~
`u chose nt to activate ur senses bt u cant deny`u did`when will u b realli hapi?`i m waitin4msges!`C=

.::maybe it is time to run away::.

~*what is going on?*~
~*why let me see that look?*~
~*why let me feel something?*~

this is one big wrong move... i didnt expect it... ya...maybe it is not me...it is the other way round... why am i so certain that things are the way they are now when i know that somehow things are just not possible...

why must it be me first? can i still afford to wait? can i do what she tell me to? what will happen in the end?

who is the one?

如果你已经不能控制　每天想我一次
如果你因为我而诚实
如果你看我的电影　　听我爱的CD
如果你能带我一起旅行
如果你决定跟随感觉　为爱勇敢一次
如果你说我们有彼此
如果你会开始相信　这段恋爱心情
如果你能给我如果的事

the above is a small part of a nice song...

maybe i will be happier soon...

~*smiles*~
~*it is easier to smile*~
~*than to frown*~
`so was it obvious?izit enuff?y let mi see tt look on ur face?in ur eyes?

.::lots of things::.

~*someone i know*~
~*she lose something*~
~*something that will never come back to her*~

she stays in her room... lies on her bad...wide awake...talking to no one about what had happened these few days...

the joy came and went off in just less than 2 weeks... how worse can things get?

the hope... the waiting all these months... finally something arrives... the gift of god... but she lose it... in less than a month time... she didnt even get to see how he or she looks like...

ya...one of my family friend just lost a child... a feotus...that is already considered alive, considered to have its own human rights...

she is someone who i have never see her sad before... i oli see smile on her face...maybe sometimes frowning when she is scolding her son... she is hardly sad...

a child made her turn out like that... i dont know how to help her...in fact no one does... her mother in law...sad... her son... sad... her husband... sad...

but of all people...only she is allow to cry... the others have to console her and bring her back to shore... yes...she will get into depression if things dont get better...

although i still disagree to what have happened, there is nothing that i can do...

no heartbeat of baby...that was the deduction made by two doctors... still i think that doctors should not suggest that she remove the baby... maybe a few more days will do the trick? but still doctors have their reason to why they hope that she will do that...

ever watched the Silent Scream? that is the worst video ever...maybe after watching that your will understand how bad my friend felt when she lose her child...

~*smile...*~
~*it makes your life different*~
~*it makes other life different too*~
`how to tell u iz actualli u?

.::i sensed::.

~*i sensed it*~
~*i really did*~
~*so?*~
~*why are you sad?*~
~*again*~
life is like that... i had a shocking news this morning... i failed my chemistry...but i am
not the last in class... i should be happy about that? i dont know... what if i am
expelled? i dont know... so many dont know in my life...

i dont know why i a doing certain things now... i dont even know what i am thinking and
what i am feeling now...

so what if i caught all those things that i am suppose to catch? how i hope that i didnt
catch them... or was i really thinking too much?

ARGH~~~! stop it...!

it is never my fault... it is yours... if you know who you are... how to tell you straight
in the face to shut up and settle your own problems first? i know i cant do that... i
wouldnt do that... will there be any chocolate milo marshmallow this sunday? see my mood...

i am always not asking the important questions... i keep forgetting to ask those important
questions... those that may just lead me somewhere... but it is all over...

come to think of it... it is not because of that thing that why i am not eating... maybe a
nap now will help...

why do guys flirt? why cant they settle things one by one?

ever tried losing a friend? i think so... ever tried losing a whole lot of friends? because
of someone... or rather... because of your stupid mouth...

this is the start... i am just trying to find out why i am sad... i need an answer... before
more comes along.. i dont want to go into depression... i think i wouldnt...

i thought i was ok... so... i am actually not...

why are there people who just dont give blogs any attention?

~*dont say love*~
~*you cant handle the responsiblity*~
`so r u glad tt i m fallin 4 u?bt y izit u?y is ur status lidat?

.::what time is it?::.

~*is this going to be another sad entry?*~
~*after so long?*~
~*am i really sad?*~

the time to write this entry is not right...it is not the time when i am usually the saddest... i should be the saddest around midnight... not now... or am i happy?

ok fine... i feel stupid... there are just so many things going on... things that i think i know...but i didnt choose to say... i mean... haix...

there are things that i am still trying to run away from... the more i try to say it out to prove that i felt the right thing, the more hope, the more the disappointment... and this should not be the emphasis now...

sometimes... maybe being blur and not knowing anything is a good thing... but i should be happy that i jumped out of one black, dark, deep and dirty hole... it didnt stay there for as long as i expected it to... maybe it is because of the fact that i am just so used to lossing...

who is the idiot who started that comparism?... fine...it is me... i didnt really planned it anyway... i mean it was not me right from the start...

maybe i am not that stupid after all... i didnt make any mistake even now...

i didnt say things that i should not say... i am safeguarding my own rights... that is what humans are like... selfish... i thought of myself first..

but why is it me? i dont know... i want the answer... can i accept what that is going to come?

blame it on my stupid sense... ya... the sense is stupid... that makes me stupid too...

if only i didnt sense, i didnt feel, nothing will have happen...

if only the one leading is not the heart but the brain...

it is so sad... i am just like that... how to sleep at night?

am i suppose to be happy or sad... i dont even know that now...

please laugh at me... or was i really really thinking too much and being a over sensitive freak...

do i deserve this?or was it really just a joke by heaven?

i felt different...

~*smile*~
~*cause you know you cant cry it out*~
~*nothing comes out from your eyes*~
~*anyway*~
~*who cares?*~
~*no one*~
i noe hu is she.i juz din say.is dis still a joke?can u tell mi wad is gng on?can dese end soon?

.::the love theory II::.

~*heres another part that i thought of*~
~*make sure you praise me after reading*~

life exist only because of love...

thats kind of lame...

how to differentiate between love and crush...hmmm...

i think ... when love comes, you cannot really tell the reason why you are falling for that person... but as for crush...there will be plenty of reasons why you like that person...

the reasons are there to convince you to make sure you fall for that person...

hmmm... dont really make much sense...

also, dont give the opposite gender any hope... that means... if you are not nterested in that person,dont treat that person too nicely...

life will be happy...when love find its way to you...

~*stay happy*~
`but guys never learn

.::secrets lies beneathe those words::.

~*why cant everyone be happy?*~
~*if everyone is happy*~
~*no one will be sad*~

come to think of it...maybe it is good to put on an act when you are not happy... act that you are happy... only then, will you not bring unhappiness to the world...

if you are sad and you show it out... your closed friends will be sad... then their friends will also be sad... this continues on... haix... haha...

i mean, it is really true... so believe it or not.. a small tiny smile makes a big difference...

ok... there are just so many more things to add on to the love theory that i wrote in the previous entry... so i should write another one after this...

thats about it.. nothing much to write... those that i feel like writing down dont really belong here... hmmm... haha

~*thats all*~
~*just remember to smile*~

`why is the world turning?

.::heres the love theory::.

~*haha*~
~*someone praised me for this*~

haha... the theory to love and to stay happy... is...

If you have the choice, be with someone who love you and not someone who you love...

Let love find you, and try not to find love...

Learn to not hope, but just predict... without hope, there would not be disappointment...

i think i am so clever...haha...

that will make u stay happy... haha... although not for long...

cause there will be someone who will come along... and you will start falling for that person... and you will realise that it is no longer that easy to...

be with someone who love you and not someone who you love...

no longer that easy to...
let love find you, and not find love...

no longer that easy to...
Not to hope and just to predict...

expect disappointment...
haha

i should remove tat haha...

hmmm... love is like that i suppose...

~*stay happy*~
i oli need replies C=

.::nothing to do!::.

~*haix...*~
~*sian...*~

nothing to do now...so decide to blog... maybe i will continue with my general paper compo later? hmm... still not sure whether need to go school on monday or not...haha...

anyway... sians... lin jun jie rocks...

~*thats the end to ths stupid and meanless entry*~

`thanks for the up and downs...
`i dont need them!!!

.::i am here again::.

~*stupid me*~
~*clever you*~

anyway... got so bored... thats why i am here again... feeling something that is not right that is going to happen soon... haix...

why... why am i hoping for something again...when i know that they can never do it? i also dont know... thats why i am the stupid one...

but i know i am waiting again... stupid...

oh... what was i talking about huh? i dont remember.. haha.. .random... hee...

~*do you know what i want?*~

`i only need a reply

.::i am alive::.

~*will i survive block test?*~
~*i dont know*~
~*i only know i tride my bestest*~

school system abit funny huh... expect someone who failed promotional exams to do super well in block test one when the others around her who did pass promotional exams are doing just as bad as she is...

anyway... i am just so not happy that she manage to move on... i mean i think i put in more effort than her... i think i can do better than her... i think she dont deserve what she is getting for her test...

she manage to get a whole lot of help and that let her move on... she managed to scrape pass the marks... i cant... just by one mark... which i cant find anywhere...

lets wait for the result... i know i am so not going to do well...there will be another struggle again... to stay or not to stay... but i know i die die want to move on... so jiayou~!!! i got a good civic tutor... he will help!!!

ok... today... last paper for block test... i decide to give myself a break and visit some people that i hardly find time to meet up... i met up with yong kee... the cute little boy that i had been spending time with ever since he is in his mam tummy... cute little fellow... he will be a clever or rather cheeky guy one day when he grow up... and he will sure attract a whole lot of girls...

haha... another baby is coming into the family... i mean my auntie's family... she is a family friend... she was our nanny when we were young... and now we are still close friends... i mean our family lah... haha... a nice woman... always knows what a child wants... she will let us arrange all our dolls along the corridor when we were young... we played with doughs... and she made a whole lot of new clothes... not for us... but our dolls... she let us bring dolls out for dinner... she let us buy a lot of sweets... she spend a lot of money on us... next time it will be my turn to dote on her grandchildren...

and she is also the one paying for my facial treatment... i mean that mask thing... she rocks...

anyway... met up with auntie and went to yongkee house... this little fellow having fever because growing teeth... played and after facing the computer for a long time and help his mother print 2331 pieces of envelope cover, i decide to take a nap... yongkee and his mama keep trying to wake me up... trying to find someone to entertain his son bah?

haha... there is this stupid wolf who said i sound like his mother!!! sobs...

heres a nice song:

Down

Lin Jun Jie
I can't believe it

Tell me i'm dreaming

That we are still 'we'

It was amazing

Said you were lucky

That you found me

It was on a rainy day that we met

You didn't have a place to go

I said we just met so lets go slow but no

You just told me to keep you from the cold

Sorry i can't take it

Why did you fake it

Why did we kiss

And i'm just down

You left me with a note without a sound

I figured i must have been such a child

You'll never know how much i've been around

How my heart just frowns

If you're down

I'll be your teddy bear, i'll be your clown

I'll take you round and round and

If you don't mind i could be your standing ground

Even if that means i'd drown

And baby that'll be my one last vow

what a nice sound

haas

`will you be my teddy bear?

`will you be my clown?

`will you be there?

i typed them word for word from the lyrics that came with the album...

hees...

~*did i say that tarot cards rocks?*~

~*i think it is obvious*~

~*did i say lin jun jie rocks too?*~

am i suppose to hope? i dont know...

am i suppose to be very happy about what is happening so far? i dont know...

am i suppose to catch anything? i dont know...

am i suppose to know or am i just ov sensitive? i dont know...

am i suppose to be delighted for whatever that i got from you? i dont know...

.::i hope things are ending real soon::.

~*who started the comparism?*~
~*whos the bad guy?*~

i am starting to think or rather i seem to have come to a conclusion... someone will be very happy if things get to him or her...

i mean i think things should not be like the way they are now... not to say that i have a choice now... but looks like things will be better some other way round... i should put an end to things and not let that word appear here again...

i hope it is not some form of replacement or something... it is not something that i want...

but the comparism did show better things.. i mean they tell me what to do now... and also what i should not do...

the word is banned from here from now on... that very word...

~*i think i deserve more*~
~*if you have a choice*~
~*will you be with someone who loves you*~
~*or someone who you love?*~
~*random question here*~
`things will be ok in the end`
`if things are not ok`
`then it is not the end`

things will be ok real soon...as youu disappear... youu is the banned word

.::nice song::.

~*ok*~
~*i should not be here*~
~*but...*~

ok...my dad is going to china like tomorrow? no body going to send him off...but i think he dont mind as long as he still get to go china~!!

anyway... thank you for getting everything back... although i still feel abit out, things are still going on rather fine...we will be ok soon...

i suddenly realise that there are just some things that are just not worth it... there is no need to hold on to it... no need to be so persistent... no need to be so sad over it... no need to mind so much... no need to care so much... cause no one will be aware of what is just happening...

no one understand why things are just the way they are now... i also dont know... but one thing is for sure... i know how and why... i know and thats enough...

who will be a stupid and hold on to something that has thorns in your hand, grab it hard and make yourself bleed? i am still the stupid one currently... maybe it is time to stop and try to stop the bleed before i die from insufficient blood... or lack of oxygen or something...

here is a lyrics...

明天就像是盒子里的巧克力糖
什么滋味
充满想象
失望是偶尔拨不通的电话号码
多试几次总会回答
心里有好多的梦想
未来正要开始闪闪发亮
就算天再高那又怎样
踮起脚尖就更靠近阳光

许下我第一千零一个愿望(一个愿望)
有一天幸福总会听我的话(听我的话)
不怕要多少时间多少代价
青春是我的筹码
oh~~~
我只有这第一千零一个愿望(一个愿望)
有一天幸福总会在我手上(在我手上)
每一颗心都有一双翅膀
要勇往直前的飞翔

nice song here... or rather it is the only song that you can find in my handphone...

ok... fine... whatever... get what i am trying to say in the previous few paragraphs?

in smpler terms... i am learning to let go... let go something that most of your were never aware of... i mean... i should right? i think i deserve to get more?

haha... dont think too much... things will be ok when it should be...

i mean... things will be ok in the end... if it is not ok then it is not the end...

am i right?

haha

lame...

there are some lamers around me who will make me laugh... i know... haha..

~*i still hope for a chance*~
~*a chance for a change*~
~*an explanation*~
~*although i know...*~
~*they cant think well...*~
~*who will distort this message AGAIN?*~

it is hard to just say what is really happening when people cant think well... i mean... think... let someone who is capable of distorting message to tell you something...

i tried to explain... i know why things are the way they are now... i mean... someone is there... all i need now is a chance for me to explain... i am no longer sad... cause i know i can settle it... give me time... and chance... thats all i need...

.::i am back!!!::.

~*i am back from malaysia*~

haas...we didnt win anything...but i think the greatest reward was to see how political things really are outside...or maybe even in singapore...

ok...also get to see everyone... not everyone is perfect and not everyone is happy with whoever they are with all the time... and i know that that will never bother me for long anymore...cause i no longer belong there.. until after my A level...

anyway... i am still puzzled by a whole lot of things... feel honoured if i bought something for you... and the sad thing i bet is... i tried to wake up at 8 today to study but i woke up at 1... see the great difference?

i will study tomorrow... i mean i have to ah...

hows life for youu? i dont know... but i sense a whole lot of things... i think she felt the same too...just that we didnt choose to say anything... we no longer see te need to bring things out... cause talking about them do not help...

maybe it is time to change?

who is that idiot? get out ofmy life... now...

the one i hoped will reply is not doing what i hope he will... while the other who dont mean anything is doing what i hoped... what a big idiot...

the pants that i bought in malacca... i think it rocks... haha... sunday...

i swear i am on a diet... i have to be on one... i am too fat!!!

A & W rocks... we had 2 meals in malacca... finally had waffle for the first time in my life... i mean A&W waffle la... i have the urge to have one for breakfast tomorrow... that is just what i shall do...

here is something for you all to read... very true for my case ah... i am blood group A... haha...

BLOOD GROUP O
Cannot stand people who hide the truth
Make objectives clear
Possess great deal of confidence
Honest, optimistic and energetic
Strength and endurance depend on their aim
Give up easily if they find the job meaningless
Positive about the past, thus do not regret about the past
Seek financial stability for the future
Usually stable and calm
Sensitive towards sincerity
Give frank, direct opinions
Ability to concentrate vary from time to time, depending on aim
Mostly prefer to lead
Can overlook details

BLOOD GROUP A
Pessimistic and too sensitive
Careful about decision-making
Make things clear in black and white
Care too much about social rules and standards
High tolerance for physical or repetitive work
Cannot take changes easily
Lose interest in a hobby easily
Try hard to forget the past
Pessimistic about the future
Able to display cool outlook even though angry
Short-tempered
Take longer to heal a broken heart
Sensitive to others' opinions
Perfectionist
Handle one thing at a time
Work a line between work and personal affairs
Highly responsible
Tend to choose hobbies which help them release stress

BLOOD GROUP B
Cannot take orders easily
Make decisions fast
Can be flexible
Do not care about rules
Respect scientific and practical findings
Maintain the longest interest in what they do
Seem impatient
Dislike repetitious work
Hard to forget recent affairs, but able to forget past and memories
Expressive
Cool and objective
Although joke a lot, could actually be very shy
Change moods like the weather
Cannot stop complaining when they are upset
Creative and possess new ideas
Cannot differentiate between work and hobby
Cannot take orders
Do not hesitate to introduce innovative changes and are not worried about theirs criticisms

BLOOD GROUP AB
Romantic and sentimental
Extremely practical
Excellent in analyses
Give fair criticisms
Cannot decide when it comes to important issues
Try to be hard-working
Tend to be impatient
Sentimental about the past
More concern about the immediate problems than anything else
Sentimental
Usually cool and steady, but can get upset with an immediate, unsolved problem
Can get moody easily
Able to handle a wide scope of jobs
Value hard work
Quick in understanding
Not highly responsible and unable to follow-up on a project until its completion
Tend to be artistic in approach

cass and christ...take care of your legs huh... dont want can give me... i dont mind having more... take care of them when they are on you... haas...

~*youu still matters*~
~*the idiot leh*~

.::someone please ask me whether i am happy::.

~*please*~
~*someone please ask me whether i am happy*~
~*please let me know that someone care*~

the one that i am hoping is not coming... but somethings that i expect are just coming along the way...

no one will be willing to accept that they are at fault... i am one of them... everyone is like that... just the extend of the case...

when was the last time you ask yourself whether you are happy with whatever that you are doing?

i bet that was a long time ago... cause you are happy with life...there is no need to ask... but i am always asking myself that... always... i am always wondering whether i am really happy... and always trying to dig in to find out whether i am truly happy or sad...

i no longer yearn for an answer... i no longer dare to think so much... i will always try to put an end to my thoughts... i dont want them to run wild... it ran wild just now... maybe even now... i am still feeling lost...

why do i always realise that i interfere too much only when i had done that something?

i dont know why i failed to control things that night although i know that something like that will happen one day...

i am so guilty...so guilty that i just shouted at my mother... so sorry that i am not doing my homework simply because i am not in the right mind state to do them...

when was the last time that i felt like that? cultural potpourri last year... someone gave me a painful stab... sorry... i want to forget...but the impact is just so great... ever felt so bad that you may forget how to walk any time? that bad... it feels like i may lose control over my legs anytime...

no longer sad... i am just disappointed? i am always asking myself whether i am doing the right thing... for every single thing that i do when i am alive on this world... all the time... dont ask me why... i want to know why...

there are just so many things that you have done, but you never want to voice and say them out... cause you dont want people to think that you hao lian... but i am just tired of doing things quietly... ya.. i never wanted returns... but i also never wanted bad returns...

although i know that things that will be coming out from his mouth will never be the same, and never be the truth...but still i choose to tell him... cause no one else choose to listen...

no one to blame...

ever tried standing in front of guys who are about to fight and try to stop them from fighting? what is the bet? the bet is me myself... and the bet is that the guy would not touch the girl... quite alot of times... all the lame reasons i find just to protect someone... although they still fought in the end...

all the things that you all are doing... i never know the reasons... i assumed all the reasons... so in the end i have to back you all up with all my assumed reasons...

maybe you didnt realise or dont want to admit... you all did forget him once... you all didnt realise... i was forgotten by you all also... everyone did... dont claim that you will never forget someone cause that is just never true...

dont know what i am blogging le... the one that i hope to call and feel like calling is not around... maybe my tears will help me... if i cry everything out tonight, everything will be ok tomorrow?

i am always thinking that way... tomorrow will be a better day...

~*do youu know?*~

.::what are people thinking?::.

~*after so long*~
~*i am finally back to the same topic*~

ok... i am bringing myself back to the same topic, although i never wanted to...

i never wanted to think about it... although, like i say, i am used to it, i will never get very sad over this thing le... but i still think about it...

the thing is always there in my heart, it is just the matter with where it is... i mean, at times it is just at the bottom... but other time when i am alone, it just flash across my mind...

i mean... when it is at the bottom of my heart, i never wish to dig it out and think about it... i just need a few glimpse... never abit more than that... cause i know anything more than that the thing will be out...

i mean... but when that thing is out, a few glimpse is never enough anymore... i mean, i will keep thinking about a whole lot of stupid things about it and i will just keep thinking... but i swear i am not sad...

i am so going to change my wishlist...there are a whole lot of things that i want... haha... my birthday coming mah...so... it will be easier for you all to have a target and start saving money for my presents...but you all better go and have a meeting or something to decide who to get me what... haha... clever me...

ok...back to topic... actually most of the time... i just know what may happen next.. i mean i can tell and i can sense... i am extremely sensitive to these things... but i just still choose to act blur... i dont know what else to do... even if i keep thinking about the same thing, nothing much will change right? things will still be the same... i mean... still going to happen the way that he want?

anyway i shall go and change the wishlist and sleep for the sake of the total 3 hours lecture tomorrow morning...

still, thank you to all those who helped and counselled me all these days and months and weeks, especially daryl, zhongyi, da sam, yongxuan, weihong, connie, zhengyu and jeffrey. although i am still like that... it is my mind that cant accept that... i cant change, so... i mean i still cant accept that thinking...so... hmm... ya... i am still trying to change... maybe one day... i will become someone that no one likes me...

~*stay happy*~
~*youu*~
~*yes youu*~
~* C= *~

.::finally::.

~*afew things that i intend to blog*~
~*today*~
~*them*~
~*youu*~
~*but my eyes are closing...*~

ok... i shall start with today first, or rather the past few days... haha... i am totally EXHAUSTED... not just one day and i dont think it is only me... thanks to people who put in an effort to help wih the drums... thanks a million...

special thanks to zhen yu, yongxuan, weihong, connie, xue zhen (shuat zhen), *i feel like putting that name down... ahhah... evil me*, daryl, da sam, zhongyi, and A WHOLE LOT more... i mean i dont feel like continuing on putting more names... i will flood this entry... so your know who you all are... so

heres a BIG THANK YOU to you all...

ok... thanks to all...

sorry that i flared up at the prata shop today... i just feel so BOTTLED up... things end le...but i dont know why i still like that... i just felt like crying at that time... and coke didnt cheer me up fast in time... although i gulp down one can in less than 10minutes... the coke came and i just kept drinking...

things sometimes just dont go the way it should be... sorry if things dont seem that neat... i mean i really dont know where to start planning when no matter where i start to plan, nothing seems right... so why make myself feel worse?

and i think one day i will let EVERYTHING OUT... i really mean EVERYTHING...

haha

await for that day to come...

and thanks to those who gave advice... i mean...although i never heed those advice... i know i should do all those... but i am still in the midst of convincing myself to listen... so... haha... things are better on my side... no longer that emotionally stubborn le hor...

ok...we shall now move on to youu... something short and nice... not replying dont help... i mean if not replying will help, it will have helped long long long long time ago... things will still be the same for quite long...

ok...them hor... i got my reasons... so... it is no longer just me la... it is a WHOLE LOT of people also... so start using your brain... hate me or something i also dont care le... i mean... for these things, i can no longer care...

you all still matters...but i have to think for the future... just hoping that you all will start to use that thing up there and think... if you all can understand, things will be a WHOLE LOT better... the world will be a nicer place to live in...

i am also tired of promises... so no more promises anymore...

ok... i am totally tired... drinking red bull and coke no longer help today... i mean... i drank one red bull and 2 coke...still so so so tired... so... no more... good nite!!!

~* C= *~
~*so will youu please reply?*~
~* C= *~

.::life rocks::.

~*just a short a entry*~

ok... it shall be short and sweet... i should be off to bed soon...i mean i took my medicide...i should be sleeping now... i am sick... i missed quite alot of lesson because of this stupid fever,flu and cough...

anyway... i am just praying that things will get better these coming days...and please peoplel, trust me... i am starting to study... and after the trip to malaysia, there will be strictly no more unnecessary nanhua visits... and definitely no more NDP or whatever shit...

ok...that stupid thing, i hope it will end soon... things will be over soon...

as for youu, i heard youu asking for my blog address... i act blur..youu also...but whatever la... just be happy.. i know youu will be happy... i only need replies... thats all...

~*it is still youu*~
~* C= *~
~*how to let them know*~
~*youu mean no harm*~

.::things are coming to an end::.

~*i dont know where things are going to and how things will turn out to be*~
~*i only know*~
~*one day*~
~*accusations will start coming in*~

somehow i can tell that my dancing life is coming to an end...soon... maybe after this year? i dont want it that way... but it is just so difficult to handle things... like people aer not happy with the way i do things although i think that i am doing the correct things...

somemore people are not understanding why i am doing certain things... they only know how to assume and let accusations set in... i never like accusation... please remember that...

i am always trying to explain why i am doing certain things... but they are forever never interested in listening... in the end i am always telling it to people who having nothing much to do with matters...

maybe i am not doing enough or i am not doing as much for you all... but i think i put in my bestest... i did more that i can do for any other group... i never have the chance to tell you all in your face... that is just so bu yao lian... and please ask yourselves whether you all will be willing to sit down and listen?

maybe i am going into depression again soon? i dont know... and i dont really wish to know... now it just seems better to be sad... maybe that will cut down on the possible accusations that will be setting in soon...

people will start saying...

ok... whatever shit that is... all those stupid jokes... they are already not funny... cause i no longer know how to laugh... go and tell them... bu shuang me or anything, i no longer care... cause i only hope that they will leave as soon as possible... i am making it clear here... i have my reasons... like it or not...

i want the influence to stop here and now!!!... there is no need to 'protect' you all anymore and get things onto my back... i am always like an idiot helping you all to clear things up... no more of that... i am tired... and i dont see the need to anymore...

i feel so not treasured... maybe to you all i dont deserve anything at all... maybe not seeing me will make you all happier...

when will you all start to use your brain? it is no longer about fun and laughter... it is about what the others will think and do... like it or not... for now or for the future... that is just something that you all must learn...

if you all dont change... someone there leave, that makes the end of me... i cannot stay on without some people... i cannot stay on with some people... not me... it is them...

i dont know... go ahead and hate me or bu shuang me... i am just so used to you all not asking and not knowing what i am thinking...

the day that i fear is coming soon... the day when you all start to dont like me... it will come soon...

i am still the same old me... it is a problem with my priority... it is not problem... rather a change... i have to think for the future... i hope you all will too...

those tears are not because i didnt manage to win you in the quarrel... but because the day that i am afraid of... is drawing near...

i am always crying... stupid me right? people say iti not worth it... but i think otherwise...

i still think otherwise...

.::everything in life::.

~*ok*~
~*i am quite happy!!!*~
~*but i am super pissed with someone*~

that someone got something that i prayed hard for... and he not only benefit from that thing, he also gained something that i got... the chance to do something... anyway...the stupid thing is, i got only one thing nd he got two...how unfair can this world get?

ok i am not the only one who is not happy... there are still people out there who are not happy about it... who is he lor... i feel like slapping him...

but so sad i cant spoil the relationship with him... he is still of use to me... evil me huh... ahahaha...

anyway... dont blame me for being crude to you all... cause i have my reasons... accept it or not... i have to think for the future... no choice here... and please, when you all have the chance, figure out how to use those butterfly brain... think for the future...

it is no longer just about fun and laughter and atmosphere... it is about future...

anyway... i am tired...

.::i am really tired::.

~*YEA!!!*~

i am going malaysia before the march holidays for the competition thing!!! so happy...

anway... i am super tired recently... alot of people are super tired... i think especially lao shi... he is rushing here and there la... haix... he is so important to all of us that he cant afford to fall sick...

anyway... just came back from chingay in jurong with nanhua... aun father fetched me home again... and we each took home 10 pizza bun? haha... i think we rock... but i think aun mentioned that shibin brought home 15...haha...

i have decided to blog although i am so tired... so that my blog wont be took dead...

sorry that i am doing what i am doing... but i am just so sorry that i can never help to cover things up like the way i used to try to do... cause i need to think about the future... it is no longer a need or dont need choice here... it is a must to... and out to those secondary 2 boys... i warn your... better control before i lose control of myself... if your think everything is still a joke then go ahead... i will make sure you regret what you did...

anyway... i am so tired that i decide to end this entry here... keep it short and sweet...

hope NHDS like those small little marshmallos... i mean... it is for valentines' day and frienship week and also sec4 last performance... hope your like it...i know it is a bit too sweet.... please blame the milo powder... try to contact milo manufacturer yourself please... haha...

anyway... no chocolate for PA tomorrow... cause my house no more chocolate le... maybe next week ba...

hope that things are going on well for all of you...

it is good to learn to move on... stay happy girl!!! C=

.::so many tings::.

~*so many things happened today*~
~*go ahead and bu shuang*~
~*i think i no longer care*~
~*tomorrow will be better day*~

ok... i have to admit...so many things happened today... i cried again in nan hua... sad... anyway.... if i make some mistake here in this entry, please pardon me... i am abit abit drunk from the red wine that i drink...

anyway... i didnt mean to xia lan him... we will be talking about i tomorrow... so hope things will be settle tomorrow...

i didnt meant to xia lan... how afraid i am... scare that one day he will bu shuang me again... and i know if i dont thrash things out son enough, that day willbe drawing near...

i think it is time to give up on him... so many people are telling me that he is only a tool... cant he just treasure smeone who treat him like a person? i am disappointed... stop telling me to dont care about him... i just want all of your to be together...

i have the urge to tell youu everything today... but i expected the reply from youu... youu will be telling me the same thing...they are just kids...

anyway... let a new month start soon... so i can sms more...

C= this smile still stands for the same thing...

i miss youu...

~* C= *~

.::Hows life?::.

~*oh...i feel like touching my tarots later*~
~*ok*~
~*thats what i shall do*~

life is not that good for me... i still dont know how to stay awake inclass... as in lecture... i keep falling asleep.... and now i have problem typing... i keep typing the wrong things...

ok... mondays and tuesdays are not that happy days for me... but they are the 2days of the week that i get lesser problems...

mondays and tuesday i got hardly anything to do with nhds so i am exposed to lesser problems... tomorrow having PE... 2.4km...omg...

oh ya... one of my knowledgeable friend today, said that all guys have to be able to run 2.4km in less than 10 minutes so that when we are attacked by Malaysia, they will be able to run across the causeway to capture Kuala Lumpur... the causeway is 2.4km long... amazed? i am...

ok... i am amazed by my friend...

anyway... something is terribly wrong with my darling... dont know what is wrong with her... keep skipping her meal... and she is no longer into fruits which she used to like the most... haix... she cant tell us anything... my poor darling...

ok... it is my darling dog, BABY... haha... she dont seem ok... although she still plays at times... maybe she is on a diet or something...

anyway... i am starting to think about the same stupid things... the same stupid things that will never make me sad anymore... it will only make me wonder...

when you cant find reason to why you fall for someone, it will be terrible if your love is not returned cause it is those love with no reason that will last... cause you cant find a reason to not let it last...

i am like that now... how long le? not a year yet... how long will it last? i dont know...

i only know i will no longer be sad about it... cause i am just so used to the way things are... just some little things can make me happy... happy as in be contented...

youu dont know how happy i was that day... haha...

anyway... i am just trying at times to get myself angry... hoping that something will just change... but so sad, nothing happened... haix... so let it be...

there is this poor guy in my class... i am in the same group as him during PW and same group during GP lessons...

it is the whole class against him... so sad... it is like he is such a big idiot in with the way he do things... and he always think he is right... the worse of all he is a MCP... male chauvanist pig... he never trust girls... so i shall never trust him... whatever he do, i will seek for reassurance from other people to make sure it is right...

to get this straight... i dont pity him at all... cause he dont deserve it... so many people had been telling him what is wrong with him but he just dont accept... so do you still think he deserve to be pity?

anyway... i am one of the worst girls in school... i think only 3 of us dares to shoot him directly...

i am evil... i commented him directly and straight in the face cause i know it is ok to destroy the relationship between me and him... he will never be of any use to me... so fan lian jiu fan lian la...

anyway... he is not being gentleman to not quarrel with me... the whole thing is he shut up whenever i say somehting about him cause he literally got nothing to say...

oh that is such a sad case...

did i say i was evil or rather i am evil...

haha... the evil plot is still on... thank you daryl, shibin and si aun... whatever that your have tried to do, it is more than enough... i am happy now... and i will keep myself happy...

anyway... i am evil and i kept doing evil things on him... but i doubt he realise it... i got the hint... i know one day he will not be happy about it and he will start to bu shuang me again... but what can i say? i dont know how to let him know that we are not happy with the way he is doing things...

anyway... i know he will bu shuang me soon... got the super great hint...

ok... i am having chemistry test tomorrow...but i am preparing to fail it... anyway... it is not in prelims... and i amgoing to buy a chem guide book tomorrow...haha...

~*tarots*~
~*youu*~

.::BACKSTAE CREW DAY::.

~*Backstage crew for a day!!!*~
~*things are still the same*~
~*i am sorry*~

first thing first... i was a backstage crew for a day with a group of korean dancers and drummers from a koreean dance company... i am now still too lazy to go and find out what is the name of their dance company... i only know i saw a lot of ministers today. not realli alot but there is justmore than one guest of honour...

ok...we learned how to set up the dance floor mat and we learn how to sweep the floor... haha... so many paper... but those koreans are bringing those paper back to korea... haha.. singaporean gift...hehe...

anyway... they are pro danceer and they got a pro stage coordinator... although their language is different from ours and they cant speak english, he still try his best-est to discript to the stage manager, who is our dearest Mr Tay Bao Shun, who is also one of the best few Stage Manager in singapore!!! haha... they are professional... just like what they claimed they are...

their smile is able to go into your heart and melt your heart...the drums are super heavy...there is one super big one...which i dont know how to describe but i know it nits more than 2 people to carry it...

ok...at the end of every rehearsal we have to sweep up all the papers that gaves the autuum effect... they brought their own drums, own cymbals, own ironing board, own iron, own lighting template, own foam making machine... haha... pro... own basket also!!!

anyway... thanks SHIBIN... thanks forbeing there... i think i am starting to make you feel irritated... anyway... i did evil things today... and days pass by... i am starting to feel sorry... sorry for what i had done... but i know i cant really stop cause i got no other means to let you know that i am not happy with the ways you are doing things and treating us... so i decide to guai lan and attitude... but seems like it only makes you start to not like me again... but whatever... doing those evil things will not make me sad... say i am sadist or whst...

but i can say i am feeling sorry for what i am doing... and i am scare of 'losing' you again but i got no choice but to do this to let you know that we are not happy...

but i know that is the only wayto protect myself... cause i dont want to go into depression...

anyway... to youu... do you have a single bit of idea that everything is still the same? what i am thinking and feeling but the problem is, the things that i fear are setting in... i hope that THAT time will come faster... maybe things will just be better those days...

but i do hope that i have not lose youu by then... anyway... i have to thank youu for the little hopes... although they are just nothing... but what else more can i ask for?

i will never be sad over youu... so i will be happy.... haha...

i cant find a reason why it is youu... but i know... it is normal to not be able to find a reason...

anyway... thats about it... i am hoping for a better tomorrow...!

~* C= *~
~*thankyou SHIBIN!!!*~
~*YOU ROCK*~
~*youu know*~
~*i know youu know*~

.::same old things::.

~*i was reading this person blog*~
~*when i realise that the same old things are just coming back*~
~*and i realise that it has been more than 2 weeks since i last cried*~
~*let this night be the last*~

i realise it has been 2weeks since i last cried... i swear tonight will be the last...i will be ok tomorrow... i will be... cause i know... no matter how sad i am, i still have to smile...

i have been thinking about all these things for alot of times... but things just come and go, any single one of you all can make me cry easily... it is always you all who cause me to suffer from depression cause problems always come from you all...

i decide to say everything out... since i tagged so long in his blog...

did you know that the day before cai qing i was discussing with daryl about it till about 1am?

did you know that i was the one who called daryl to wake up that morning?

do you know that i will be there to help if i have no school that day?

do you know that i was the one who brought down all the bags of oranges from the studio to the hall that afternoon?

do you even realise that you all forgot to throw?

do you know that the whole morning i was thinking about you all?

do you know how many calls i have made before daryl finally wake up?

do you know how much sms i have sent that morning just to confirm that he had wake up?

do you know that i didnt take train to clementi with you all?

do you know that i didnt realise that you are depressed cause from what i see you dont look sad.

do you know that i am always trying to be nice to you?

do you know how much i had been trying to be nice to you even when people no longer care or support you?

do you know that whenever i tried to ask someone for help regarding you, hardly anyone bother to tell me how to do?
cause they just dont care...

do you know how afraid i am? afriad that you will turn back to your old self? afraid that when that day come, more people will not like you?

do you know that i was never in the anti-you programme?

do you know that i never ever plan that before?

do you know how many time had you make me cry all these years?

do you know what happened during the dance camp caused me to get into depression?

do you know even know that i was in depression?

maybe you dont even remembered what happened during dance camp.
maybe you didnt realise
maybe you dont think much about it

do you know how many people out there do not agree to what i am doing for you all?

do you know i got hardly anyone to turn to when i faced problems regarding you all, except daryl?

do you even know that i am treating you nice?

do you all ever bother to tell me what really happens to you all?

do you all ever bother to find out what is going on with me?

do you all ever know that i was in depression a few weeks ago?

do you know that i am tired of treating you all nice even when i am sad?

do you know how afraid i am? afraid that one day everyone of you all will just dislike me and come against me.

do you all know how many things i have been shouldering for you all? all those things that you all should not have done.

do you know how many people dont like me because of what i am doing?
people out there say i am group hopping and they think i am doing things for a motive.

do you know what i can do with all these comments?

do you know that i swallow them and can only cry alone at night?

do you all know how many people think that you all cannot make it?

do you know how many people do not support you with what you are doing?

did you realise how much support i am giving you?

do you even realise the ratio is never right?
it is always me and daryl, 2 to almost 20 of you all.

do you know how much i am doing trying to ensure that i dont lose anyone of your anymore?

did you even realise that we lost 2? i dont want the 3rd or the 4th to happen.


do you know that i have been trying to be nice to you and just you only even when i am sad?

did you realise that i am always using nice tones to talk to you?

all these are just gone in 2 arguments.

you can have mood swing, can have depression, why cant i?

dont ask how much things that i have not done for you all

dont ask me how much bad things or wrong things that i had done to you all

why not ask yourself how much i have done for you all

why not ask yourself how much you all have done for me

ok... i dont have a choice tonight.i can choose to be angry or sad for other things but for this,i can only choose to be sad or disappointed...

maybe i should have long got used to it...it has always been like that, isn't it?

ok... i can only cry tonight... i have to smile again tomorrow.i have to continue what i have been doing for the past 3 years.

.::am i ok?::.

~*i start to think that i am selfish*~
~*more than selfish*~
~*evil*~

ok... whatever... if you ever had the taste of depression, will you ever choose to go into it after you had manage to get out of it?

although my depression case not to the extreme that i will kill myself... but i think one day, if i get into depression again, i may just move closer to that... cause i can sense myself closer le...

anyway... if you ever taste depression, you will never choose to get into it again... so when i am about to be sad, i chose to be angry instead... i did alot of things on purpose just to vent my anger... not on those whom i think are innocent... only at those targetted ones...

i will feel better when i see them being pissed off by me... how great can that be...you never know unless you try it again...

and there are just some people that i am tired of treating them good... so beware.. dont step on my tail again... i will make sure i show no mercy... just those 2...

if any of your ever sense that i am going against you delibrately, then most likely you are right... cause i think i trust my skills in 'shooting' people down...

anyway... there are people with me... so if you think a big group is against you, then all the more you are right...

anyway... tomorrow is chingay... good nite...

all the best for rehearsal tml...

~*to NHDS*~
~*to myself*~
~*to everyone*~
~* C= *~

.::FURIOUS::.

~*F*CK OFF*~

ok...i am not that pissed le... after having wonderful talk with wonderful people... i think we can just hang out one night and talk all we want... that will be heavenly... haha

anyway... clever people make me wasted one night waiting...but anyway, i was doing other things also...

ok... i am back to the same stupid topic... i can understand everything that you used to say... maybe you meant what you said or maybe you manage to make me feel how you want me to feel... i am feeling guilty that time... but i just cant deny the fact that you are somehow guiding him... guiding him too much, as though you are just plotting somethings... and so sad... i am not the only one thinking that way...

yup, life is just like that, when you thought that you are ok, something come along again... i thought i was alright until i start to sense things again...

everything is just so obvious... or maybe you are making it obvious to him, or making obvious to them, we caught the hint, thank you... but the feeling is not good... i understand what you used to say... i accept them... but the things now are just making me not able to tolerate... so bad that i will just choose to walk off...

i hope in the end i would not be alone in this so called war...

anyway, i dont mind you deciding not to tell us anything, but please stop whispering to each other... no one in this bloody world likes the feeling of not knowing something... cause that just makes one fall into the catergory of 'un-trusted' friends... that will be like so omg... one will feel so outcasted...

i think i did alot of stupi things on purpose... to say the truth, i am still scare... cause things are just better nowadays... i dont really wish to spoil things, but i do not want to be a loner... so... it is my choice to be with them...

yea... i did alot of evil things on purpose cause i wanted myself to be angry rather than sad... i just got out of depression for less than a month...i dont want to fall back in again... and seriously i felt as though i am going to fall back in again when i was walking from nh to clementi... that feeling was so intensed... the feeling ofbeing lost... not knowing what to do...

but i just learned to do things on purpose... so that i will get this sense of achievemen when my evil plot is successful... and i am much happy this way cause i got people to plot with me...

there are just so many things that i see, that we see that we just dont want to voice out... cause we dont see the point to and still hoping that one day things will be better and those stupid things will just stop... but seems like we are the stupid people... maybe you are just another asshole like those whoever people that i know... what you are doing are just things that even a not a so good thinker will know and observe... plus i dont think i am a good thinker but i am still a thinker...

please let me be selfish this time round... let me tell myself that it is a goodreason to buai song you because of whatever that you did to us without knowing... but i can just say... that you are still important to me... what i used to say is true... always... you matters... but i guess you just would not remember a single damn about it... cause i am just no one... the one who can help you and give you advice is the one that you really needs... the rest around you are just no one... no one that you can turn to when you need help cause they just failed terribly as a friend in your eyes... and that includes me...

you never know how much that makes me feel sad when i heard that... i never remember turning you away when you need help... maybe i am not a good thinker and i cant help much, but that just doesnt mean that i am someone who will do what the others will... so fine, whatever... i shall just be selfish again... let me do what i want.. let me plot... against you and let you have a taste of what we are feeling...

ok... haha... what a random entry... haha... by the way... i speak to that someone again today about the same thing... he is just someone who no one seems to give him a damn besides those who stand by him and accompanying them through the journey...

how to just convince him to stay on through everything is over... i lost 2... i dont feel like losing another one... i know it is my fault, or should i say it is our fault... i tried to stop but i was too late cause i woke up too late from that stupid dream of mine... and i tried to pass on my experience but no one seems to understand...

anyway... there will never be any chance of him reading my blog... but can someone teach me how to convince someone to stay on the journey... it is not nice to lose another one... everyone played a part in this joruney of four years... like it or not... you have to admit it.. he is part of your the very first day your were together... your are destinated to spend the four years together... he is a great friend... remember how much he changed ever since he is with your?

remember the first performance that your had? what was he doing during the free time? what about him now? if you have the time, please persuade him to stay... i am still trying my best...

ok... there are just so many different people in my entry this time round... the front part is a few individuals and me with another group of people... the second part is a few other different individuals and me with another entirely different group of people...

~*rocks on people*~
~*those people who conferenced with me on 01.02.2006 night, rocks my socks*~
~*do you know that there is a trend for long socks?*~
~*haha... thats what shibin said*~
~*jiayou!*~
~*chingay*~
~* C= *~

.::HAPPY NEW YEAR::.

~*one fine day i shall go change my settings*~
~*let your see the title of my entries*~

anyway... HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

i had a great chinese new year, all thanks to Si Aun the great who planned so many activities... haha... but of all things, it is still the best to hang out with people whom you are closest to... the old usual mahjong group...haha... yups, and that PHAY girls, who simply rocks my life too...

i used to thought that i will never be close to your...but whatever... haha... i just used to think that it is better to just be senior...haha... but guessed i was wrong that time... cause i just think that things are ok now...

ok... i got a dozen things to type just now...but after talking to daryl about the cai qing thing, i am now not that bubbly anymore... haha... i am quite so going to freak out... see my msn nickname and you know...

oh ya... had happy days... so sad tomorrow school starting and so worried that tomorrow got cai qing... i just dont remember any years in my nan hua with lao shi absent on cai qing that day... but suay suay someone just want it on that time and that day so have to la... just pray that things will go well... that shall be the most important thing for morning prayers tommorrow...

oh well... tomorrow got PE... i dont like it... but still have to do it... hope my teacher is kind tomorrow... well he is...

anyway... did i told your that alyssa and si aun parents rocks?both gave us super lots of food and housed all of us, the wild cave famil people in their house... i can say we caused chaos in their house...

oh ya... lao shi house also... super crowded... just so many people that you cant walk through with ease...

i am just glad that i didnt see any people that i dont like these few days... haha...

oh ya... i am being super bad these few days... i keep bad-mouthing people... we keep gossiping about others... although got someone tell me we are not bad-mouthing... just telling the truth...

ok...what a new year... suay...should not have gamble... i lose aabit...

anyway... so glad that i didnt see yyou... omg... heavenly... haha

i think i told the whole of EXCO boys and those who hang out with us about the stupid things that yyou and herr did... omg... ya there is a new person in my blog... herr... haha... i just dont like the way she is doing things...

haha... i hate people who only know how to talk but never ever bother to life a finger... and there is this person... dont sound as though you know them very well... they changed ok? they are better now... hello... who know them better? i am just trying to sia suay you and make you feel out casted or something... evil me right? i think you know that i am talking about you if you even bother to read my blog...

but i think this person is just too busy for this... anyway... she still thought everything is the old same thing... shut up and go away.. .things are different... haha... you no longer know them and i doubt you even know that people dont have a liking for you, as in dont really like you to make it sound crude...

anyway... chingay coming... omg... i should be studying... blogging now?

some thanksgiving here...

alyssa, thanks for being a good friend, treat us to so many things... thank your mama also... my black sister...haha...

claudine, thanks for going crazy with me... i will remember your panda EYES... haha... i think my great gossip partner is her... haha

Christine and cassandra, thanks for the lame jokes huh... haha... always someone who can cheer me up with lame jokes... hee... i never ever will bu shuang your so please relax... haha...happy to be hanging out with your!!! C=

connie, thanks for all the advice and thank you for explaining to me things and telling me how you think... it helps alot!!! C=

dallan, thanks for all the stupid jokes and stupid things... haha... sorry for whatever that is in the past...

daryl, thanks for tolerating huh...haha.. my good partner all these few years, always someone i can turn to when i need help... common goal!!! sorry for my mood swing and stupid shoutings anyway... C=

da sam, thanks for teachng me how to do certain things... you helped alot... C=

HannBin, thanks for listening and trying to give suggestions and solutions...

HannQian, thanks for always listening... although i think you hardly say anything, but you never know how much those listening ears helped...

Jan, thanks for being lame with me...

jeslyn, thanks for being willing to tell me things, though i feel that i cant help much... jiayou!!! cheer!!! C=

jeremy, thanks for listening and teaching me how to think!!! C=

Keelui, thanks for listening to my kao pei and stupid things, hah... sorry for all the unreasonable stuff... C=

Koonhui, thanks for listening and thanks for trying to help!!!C= thanks for tolerating me too!!!

keongkiat, thanks for trying to put an effort into continuing the friendship... C=

PeiXuan, thanks for listening... you are a great listener and always there... thank you for the stays at your house... thank your mama too...

QiHui, thanks for always trying to ask and help and listen, not dont want to tell you, just no time...C=

Si Aun, thanks for the lame fats and lame jokes huh.. you are just another great listener and always trying o help... thanks!!!

ShiBin, my black son/bro... ai ya whatever la... my black fmily one...haha... thanks for the jokes and putting up with my unreasonable acts...! C=

WeiHong, thanks for listening... and thanks for all the advice... you helped alot... HONG YE YE... haha... jian fei!!!

Wahtuck, thanks for putting up to my stupid shoutings... the world is still turning... move on...! C=

YinCheong, thanks for all the jokes huh...haha... all the stupid rumours... funny... and sorry for all the stupid shoutings...haha...

Yueli, thanks for listening and thanks for being willing to tell me your troubles though i think that i didnt helped much... but at least we can cry together...! C= smilez

Yihang, thanks for listening and trying to help sometimes... haha...jia you!!! C=

Zhongyi, thanks for always trying to help!!! C=

Apologies to all those who i always shout at... hope you know i dont mean it... if you cant stand me or anything, please tell me directly...i am trying to control too... yea, and if you cant stand i bad-mouthing people, tell me too... haha... i mean it...

thank you to all the secondary 4 guys+hongyeye+baobaobao+octopus for telling me lame jokes and being lame with me to keep me happy... they are enough to keep me happy!!! C=

ok... i am tired... i think i missed people out... i will add agin... please give me ang pao by clicking on the ad at the top left hand corner... and i dont mind more HUGS... C=